Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Syphilis the Greek God

Dear Blob,
I was listening to my radio boyfriend, Nick Harcourt, on LA's best radio show, Morning's Become Eclectic, and I heard him do an ad urging me to visit; and then I realized he was saying The marketing people for that company either really fucked up or were really smartie pantsies.
Snerve The UkuLady
PS: Syphilis is so totally a Greek god.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Jenna's Engagement!!!

Dear Blob!
Exciting news! My myspace friend, Jenna Bush, is engaged to be married! While this news was reported in the LA Times and other publications, she hasn't sent out an announcement to her myspace friends yet. She's probably been too busy with the challenges of her job! Jenna and her mom, Laura Bush, are co-writing a children's book! They are such role models for mothers and daughters everywhere! I really admire their dedication to American children's literacy! Hopefully they will extend that dedication to the global youth village and write something uplifting and charmingly witty, for the kids of Iraq.
Meanwhile, I'm crossing my UkuLady fingers that You Know Who will be asked to be in the wedding party, or maybe write a special love song for Jenna's special day.... I'll write her a special What-To-Expect-When-You-Lose-Your-Virginity song, as we all know Jenna is an upstanding young Right-Wing Christian and if there's one thing that's important to the Evangelicals, it's an unmarred vagina marching down the aisle. Hopefully her fiance isn't like all the Right-Wing Christian Senators who've recently been caught molesting boys and soliciting gay sex in men's restrooms. As Jenna's myspace friend, I am protective over her and wouldn't want her to catch an STD on her special virginity-losing-wedding night!
Love The UkuLady
PS: I saw a yarn store in Chatsworth today called Hooker's Haven. Chatsworth, is apparently the porn capital of the world.
PPS: Pumice & Hummus - twinsies!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Hookers & High-Fructose!

Dear Blob!
It was an exciting weekend in The Ukulady’s UkulUniverse! Not only was it a Magical Slumber Party weekend at Chez Ukulady, with 3 delightful ally/pals, pallies, filling the house with Unicorn Hearts, but I was also mistaken for a Woman of The Night!
Clad in a vintage cotton-candy pink sateen gown, knee-high pink Fluevogs and blue tights, I, my Gexan (Gay Texan) and my Pirate Cheerleader High Priestess, (PCHP ((Not a drug or highway)) sheathed in orange muppet-fur, an orange baby-doll shift and knee-high army boots, were strolling down Western Ave, a seedy fast-food-shack strewn Los Angeles boulevard. It was midnight and we were headed from a Drunken Spelling Bee/Beer Chug to the car, when a man and his son, who appeared to be between 5 – 7 yrs old, approached. As they passed my trio, the boy accusingly squealed, “Hookers!”
Then, seat-buckled in the car, we drove past a taco truck and saw the man and boy, sodas in hand, strolling back from whence they came. While it was exciting to be mistaken for a street whore, I felt concern and sadness for the young city child, who, at midnight, was not tucked into bed, but walked the street-whore streets, drinking a high-fructose addiction-forming beverage, and at such a tender age, possessed hooker-awareness.
My Gexan has a diet Coke habit and needed a midnight thirst-quencher, so we stopped at the Echo Park 711, where we saw a teen mother feeding her baby Slurpee. Again, regret for a soda-drinking youngster surfaced, and I remembered why I think ET’s are totally uninterested in planet Earth. How pathetically unevolved we are.
In other news, if I owned a bakery it would be called Puffy Puffy Yum Yum and I would rename every baked good the Butter Cream Fat Pouch.
Love The UkuLady

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Canadian Kabobs & Clams...

Dear Blog,
Canadians in Quabec eat Quabobs! Not to be mistakes for Quohogs, a shellfish of the clam family, the clamily, native to New England.
Love The UkuLady
PS: I've been theoretically saving my own Springfield, but with less witticism and hilarity than America's Number 1 Family, hence the minimal blOgservations.
PPS: Or blObservations might be more accurate...

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Polish vs. polish

Dear Blog,
Polish and polish. As in the mocked and oft invaded Eastern Europeans and the act of making something shiny. It took me 33 years, which is 25 LA years, to recognize they are the same word. Also, Richard Simmons and Gene Simmons. I wish they were brothers. The Ukulady's been going through some heavy drama, hence, the minimal blog entry. In fact, I recently read Primo Levi's book, Survival in Auschwitz, to make me feel better about my life. I felt better.
Love The UkuLady
PS: Blog, I just called you a Blob, by mistake. Love it. I may start calling you Dear Blob.