Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Saggy Pants, Baggy Underpants & Newt & MItt's Repulsiveness

Dear Blob,
When is the trend of saggy, belted-pants-worn-below-the-man-panties going to go away? It is neither cute nor sexy and is very early 2000's.

In other news, I braved Target (pronounced Targay) today for simple necessities like a toothbrush, schedule planner and floss and ended up with 6 new pairs of kneesocks, bananas and a 6 pack of underwear that, when tried on at home, were discovered to be too large.

This is both awesome and unfortunate. Awesome because it means my ass is smaller than I thought, but unfortunate because now I have 6 pairs of unfitting, unbecoming, baggy-bottomed panties.

The good news is it's doubtful they will give me wedgies in yoga class, the most-frequent wedgie-location. The bad news is saggy-bottomed panties are not very attractive and the extra fabric actually makes my behind larger by inch-fractions, due to the extra material. Shopping for underwear is rarely a win-win situation.

Meanwhile, I am deeply repulsed by the political hullaballoo of Newt and Mitt and while I profoundly dislike the cult of Mormonism and Mitt's hypocrisy, I loathe Newt and his Stepford robot 3rd wife. Newt is actually worse than Mitt. It's like choosing between Darth Vader and the Emperor in Star Wars in a horrible game of Spin-the-Bottle. They both suck.

I find myself becoming physically ill at the sound of their smarmy, smug voices on NPR, which is has become unlisten-able. All Things Considered is NPR's worst show and yet they constantly replay it on LA's NPR affiliate. Why can't they replay my friend Terry Gross? Or Unfiction? The hypocrisy of Newt and Mitt is bile-inducing and I wish them both unwellness, shirking hippie-buddhist mantras of lovely-peaceful thoughts for all beings.

On a joyous note, this week The Ukulad and I celebrate 4 years of womance. We are seniors, if our relationship was high school!

Love The Ukulady
ps: What is Miley Cyrus doing on the Bob Dylan tribute album? Really people.
pps: Buying a 6 pack of underwear is ridiculous.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Google Eyes, Bacon & North Korea!

The Ukulady's Cute Craft Owls!

Dear Blob,

1. Googly Eyes are the Bacon of Crafting: Bacon makes almost every dish More Delicious and Googly Eyes make every crafting item More Cute, also known as Cuter.

2. I'm deeply over The News on NPR in the mornings. Nothing is more uninteresting and repulsive than America's money-pit of political-campaigns. I yearn for a radio news station that tells interesting news, like frogs falling from the sky, UFO sightings and Yeti theory.

3. This week, on a me-time hike, I recently (briefly) considered throwing in the entertainment/artist towel, getting an MBA and becoming an investment banker so I can have things like healthcare, steady income and move from my studio into a 1-bedroom.

That evening I researched MBA programs before dismissing the fancy due to the cost (and the reality of number-crunching, standardized tests and giving up on my dreams) and then in attempt to feel better, I watched a riveting documentary about an American defector to North Korea.

While the North Koreans do not have freedom to travel (or speak their minds publicly), move forward in their careers or imagine their Big Dreams are a possibility, they do have free healthcare whenever they want, a job, an apartment and usually, food.

These days in America, it's challenging for most people to attain human basics: job (which equals tangible-purpose-for-the-day), shelter, healthcare & food. An aesthetically-pleasing 1 bedroom place in LA averages $1200 - $1800 rent. What single person can pay this much a month?

What's the point of capitalism if it's spoils are out of reach for most citizens?

4. The good news is I've recommitted to Sandwiches! 2012 is the Year of the Sandwich! Too often the UkuFridge was sandwich-fixin'-free, a deep fridge-flaw the Ukulad and I pledged to correct this year. It felt good to fill our grocery basket with potential Sandwich fixin's!

Love The Ukulady

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Dear Blob,
A few years ago, while driving from Columbus, Georgia to Los Angeles, Ca, via Austin, Tx, we took a detour through Mississippi, questing for the Best Pie in the South. According the Interweb a caramel banana pie eaten at Mammy's Cupboard in Natchez, Mississippi, was the best.

We made a 100 mile detour to Mammy's Cupboard, which is located in a giant Mammy-shaped building, which was a bit troubling, yet charmingly kitschtastic, to this NorCal HippiHeeb. Unfortunately, being a Norcal HeebHippie, it didn't even occur to me to check Mammy's schedule. We arrived on a Sunday, quiveringly excited for caramel banana pie! To our utter disappointment, Mammy's was closed, it being Sunday. Bible-Belt Living Magazine forgot to mention that part.

We comforted our pie-less selves with a trip to the Folkart Grocerystore Church in Vicksburg, created by Herman and Margaret, a couple in their '90's, whom we found sitting on their porch of the Grocerystore Church. Still pieless, we drove over the Mississippi river and invented a speed-spelling game called Mississippi.

Game rules are simple: participants go back and forth spelling M.i.s.s.i.s.s.i.p.p.i as fast as they can. Whoever messes up first is the loser. The Winner is the Best and Fastest Speller in the World!

After wearing ourselves out spelling, I wrote this song.

Mississippi The Ukulady

Love The Ukulady
ps: I'm really into Soundcloud right now! You can hear The Ukulady's latest music at www.Soundcloud.com/TheUkulady