The UkuLady's UkulUniverse

Saggy Pants, Baggy Underpants & Newt & MItt's Repulsiveness

2012-01-24T19:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Blob,
When is the trend of saggy, belted-pants-worn-below-the-man-panties going to go away? It is neither cute nor sexy and is very early 2000's.

In other news, I braved Target (pronounced Targay) today for simple necessities like a toothbrush, schedule planner and floss and ended up with 6 new pairs of kneesocks, bananas and a 6 pack of underwear that, when tried on at home, were discovered to be too large.

This is both awesome and unfortunate. Awesome because it means my ass is smaller than I thought, but unfortunate because now I have 6 pairs of unfitting, unbecoming, baggy-bottomed panties.

The good news is it's doubtful they will give me wedgies in yoga class, the most-frequent wedgie-location. The bad news is saggy-bottomed panties are not very attractive and the extra fabric actually makes my behind larger by inch-fractions, due to the extra material. Shopping for underwear is rarely a win-win situation.

Meanwhile, I am deeply repulsed by the political hullaballoo of Newt and Mitt and while I profoundly dislike the cult of Mormonism and Mitt's hypocrisy, I loathe Newt and his Stepford robot 3rd wife. Newt is actually worse than Mitt. It's like choosing between Darth Vader and the Emperor in Star Wars in a horrible game of Spin-the-Bottle. They both suck.

I find myself becoming physically ill at the sound of their smarmy, smug voices on NPR, which is has become unlisten-able. All Things Considered is NPR's worst show and yet they constantly replay it on LA's NPR affiliate. Why can't they replay my friend Terry Gross? Or Unfiction? The hypocrisy of Newt and Mitt is bile-inducing and I wish them both unwellness, shirking hippie-buddhist mantras of lovely-peaceful thoughts for all beings.

On a joyous note, this week The Ukulad and I celebrate 4 years of womance. We are seniors, if our relationship was high school!

Love The Ukulady
ps: What is Miley Cyrus doing on the Bob Dylan tribute album? Really people.
pps: Buying a 6 pack of underwear is ridiculous.

Google Eyes, Bacon & North Korea!

2012-01-11T09:35:00.000-08:00

The Ukulady's Cute Craft Owls!

Dear Blob,

1. Googly Eyes are the Bacon of Crafting: Bacon makes almost every dish More Delicious and Googly Eyes make every crafting item More Cute, also known as Cuter.

2. I'm deeply over The News on NPR in the mornings. Nothing is more uninteresting and repulsive than America's money-pit of political-campaigns. I yearn for a radio news station that tells interesting news, like frogs falling from the sky, UFO sightings and Yeti theory.

3. This week, on a me-time hike, I recently (briefly) considered throwing in the entertainment/artist towel, getting an MBA and becoming an investment banker so I can have things like healthcare, steady income and move from my studio into a 1-bedroom.

That evening I researched MBA programs before dismissing the fancy due to the cost (and the reality of number-crunching, standardized tests and giving up on my dreams) and then in attempt to feel better, I watched a riveting documentary about an American defector to North Korea.

While the North Koreans do not have freedom to travel (or speak their minds publicly), move forward in their careers or imagine their Big Dreams are a possibility, they do have free healthcare whenever they want, a job, an apartment and usually, food.

These days in America, it's challenging for most people to attain human basics: job (which equals tangible-purpose-for-the-day), shelter, healthcare & food. An aesthetically-pleasing 1 bedroom place in LA averages $1200 - $1800 rent. What single person can pay this much a month?

What's the point of capitalism if it's spoils are out of reach for most citizens?

4. The good news is I've recommitted to Sandwiches! 2012 is the Year of the Sandwich! Too often the UkuFridge was sandwich-fixin'-free, a deep fridge-flaw the Ukulad and I pledged to correct this year. It felt good to fill our grocery basket with potential Sandwich fixin's!

Love The Ukulady

Mississippi!

2012-01-04T14:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Blob,
A few years ago, while driving from Columbus, Georgia to Los Angeles, Ca, via Austin, Tx, we took a detour through Mississippi, questing for the Best Pie in the South. According the Interweb a caramel banana pie eaten at Mammy's Cupboard in Natchez, Mississippi, was the best.

We made a 100 mile detour to Mammy's Cupboard, which is located in a giant Mammy-shaped building, which was a bit troubling, yet charmingly kitschtastic, to this NorCal HippiHeeb. Unfortunately, being a Norcal HeebHippie, it didn't even occur to me to check Mammy's schedule. We arrived on a Sunday, quiveringly excited for caramel banana pie! To our utter disappointment, Mammy's was closed, it being Sunday. Bible-Belt Living Magazine forgot to mention that part.

We comforted our pie-less selves with a trip to the Folkart Grocerystore Church in Vicksburg, created by Herman and Margaret, a couple in their '90's, whom we found sitting on their porch of the Grocerystore Church. Still pieless, we drove over the Mississippi river and invented a speed-spelling game called Mississippi.

Game rules are simple: participants go back and forth spelling M.i.s.s.i.s.s.i.p.p.i as fast as they can. Whoever messes up first is the loser. The Winner is the Best and Fastest Speller in the World!

After wearing ourselves out spelling, I wrote this song.

Mississippi The Ukulady

Love The Ukulady
ps: I'm really into Soundcloud right now! You can hear The Ukulady's latest music at www.Soundcloud.com/TheUkulady

Eye Candy!

2011-12-29T18:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Blob,
I've discovered the magic of music sharing via the futuristic interweb! Click below to hear Eye Candy, by The Ukulady! A song about Pioneers, love and long-distance.

Eye Candy

Love The Ukulady
ps: Ukulele & Omnichord! Featuring Jessica Grant on Omnichord!

Kim Jong Il is Dead: My Most Surreal Hollywood Moment

2011-12-19T08:44:00.001-08:00

Dear Blob,
Perhaps my most surreal Hollywood moment came last night at a holiday party, themed Christmas Island, complete with a tiki man-hut topped by a giant jack-o-lantern-like Santa who spewed soapy fake snow out his triangle eyes and a clam-shell punch fountain.

I and Fired-for-being-Gay-BFF, Mitch (See Blogs from October for the scoop), nibbling on peppermint bark, ham and mashed potatoes, found ourselves seated around an outside fire with gay comedy icon, Bruce Villanch, who I primarily associate with the Muppets. We discussed cameltoe vs. mooseknuckle, the marketability of the new Muppet movie and Atlantis cruises, when Bruce, glanced at his computer phone and casually announced, "Kim Jong Il is Dead." Then Triangle-Eye Santa started up again and it snowed in Gay Hollywood; it was shocking.

My favorite dictator is dead! First Mallomar G, Libya's marshmallow douchebag and now Kimmy, his beige jumpsuits and pouffy hair! Who can I make fun of now? Speaker of the House Boner, upsets me too much. Dictators need to be a healthy distance from me and not affect my daily life, like Boner and his evil-robot/crybaby activities, who would be a dictator if he had the opportunity.

Bruce Villanch informing me of Kim Jong Il's demise amongst the backdrop of snowy gay winter-wonderland, tops my old Most Surreal Hollywood Moment, which took place in an intimate recording studio setting, sharing licorice whips with with Alice Cooper.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Fired-For-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein, will be filing his discrimination lawsuit against Charter Oak High School very soon! Stay tuned for the scoop!

pps: I hope the North Koreans are secretly partying and get to go free! Poor slaves.

ppps: Could the deaths of 2 Dictators be the start of the 2012 consciousness shift?

Carb, Lard & Peace on Earth!

2011-12-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Blob,
'Tis the time of year for Carb 'n' Lard Snacks & Peace on Earth!

Love The Ukulady

Robots Drink Hot Cococa!

2011-12-15T09:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Blob,
The Elves are making Gingerbread dogs! Robots drink hot cocoa!
Love The Ukulady

The Wonders of La La Land!

2011-11-29T09:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Blob,
After over a month of work-travel, also known as workel or traverk, I will be returning to LaLa-meep, the land of the Mosaic Tile House and other wonders, as sung about in this song:

Love The Ukulady
ps: New Muppet film = MEEEEEEEEP!

The Best Worst Song Ever!

2011-11-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Blob,
Without a doubt, the Best Worst Song Ever, captured in video-montage, courtesy The Ukulad! Enjoy with your eyeballs and then take a listen a few times with your e-balls shut:

Love The Ukulady
ps: real-person work has taken all my energy and time...stay tuned for a flurry of blobbing in December...

Fired-For-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein, Speaks Out!

2011-11-08T16:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Blob,
Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch Stein, speaks about homophobia, discrimination & honesty at Citrus Community College:

Love The Ukulady
ps: Sound quality gets much better about 30 seconds in....

The Ukulady Business Traveler: Football Jerseys Dough Tubes

2011-11-06T08:20:00.001-08:00

Dear Blob,
I'm, currently a business traveler, living in the Meepity Meep in San Meep, CA, for the next 3 weeks. My job: Fabulous-People Detective. I search for Fabulous San Meepians willing to be on-camera discussing their experience in car-commerce. Not necessarily Fabulous gay, but Fabulous, as in you definitely want to invite this person to your next dinner party. Hotel living is full of pros and cons.

The best part is my personal maid, Meepia, who cleans my room everyday. Worst is the medley of awful music piped into every public space; so while it's awesome to have a pool and hot tub, I have to contend with Easy Listening Light Rock.

The UnNamed Hotel is surprisingly busy, the lobby a hive of tourists & business travelers, easy to tell apart from their outfits; either enthusiastic San Meeep!/California! sweatshirts or conservative black suits with periwinkle shirts.

This weekend swarms of seeming-Mid-Western Sports Enthusiasts have taken over the hotel wearing Green Bay Packers garments and drinking heavily at the hotel bar.

The Sports Travelers of both genders favor the same outfit: a bulky football jersey. The lobby gathering of dozens of football-jersey-clad travelers has led to my new discovery: the football jersey is one of the most Unflattering items a woman can wear, particularly the midwesternly-plump female, who still stubbornly sports a semi-mullet/layered-mall-haircut. The footbal-jerseyed women, no matter how thin, look like pillowy dough-tubes and remind me of cheap pork-snacks served with light cheap beer.

Overheard on my way to the free lobby-coffee (by a pasty-sausagey-jersey-clad-mulleted gal): "I need Tylenol & water." Seems the party started when they landed in San Meep.

In other news, business traveling provides a generous per-diem, which has led to sampling more coffee-cake than I've eaten in the past 5 years. Stay tuned as The Ukulady disguises herself as a real person and convinces Fabulous San Meepians to give up their social security numbers in exchange for the potential of making money.

Love The Ukulady

Halloween, National Sandwich Day & Mitch Speaks!

2011-11-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: The Ukulady's Halloween: The Ukulady & Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Official Tea Party Member & Dead Prom Queen!

Dear Blob,
Working a real-person job is for the birds; many things are great, like paychecks, per diem and business lunches, but time for blobbing is challenging! Here's the hot scoop!

1. Fired-for-being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein, has his first speaking engagement at Citrus College! Yay! Read all about it!

2. Halloween is the best time of year because I blend in and really, everyone wants to play dress up. Halloween should be everyday. Airline travel on Halloween was particularly pleasing. I enjoyed eyeballing the flight attendant's costumes and spookily-decorated airline consuls. Halloween makes everything more fun and there's no family guilt, stress or materialism involved.

3. Today is National Sandwich Day! I enjoyed a panini in San Diego, where I am a business lady, working for the Meep, casting Real People in Market Research Video Projects.

4. San Diegoans are friendly, open and generally very camera-ready. Hot town; as in hot people and hot weather.

5. For our job we've picked sidekick code names; I've selected Assistant Beeker, Dr. Bunson Honeydew's sidekick and Advanced Meep Speaker.

Love The Ukulady

Mummies, Vampires & Wall Street

2011-10-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
A timely song about Mummies, Vampires & Wall Street!

Love The Ukulady

Lindsay Lohan & Mitch Stein Facing Challenges!

2011-10-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob
The ongoing saga of Lindsay Lohan and Fired-For-Being-Gay-BFF, Mitch Stein, continue. Both are moving forward with their new careers: Lindsay posing for Playboy and Mitch speaking at Citrus Community College on November 2nd. Lindsay will reveal her hoo-ha and Mitch will reveal the challenges of being an out gay dad. Both Mitch and Lindsay have lawyers working for their rights, both are being presented with new opportunities and are swinging with the punches, playing the card-hand life has dealt them.

Some might argue Lindsay Lohan has dealt her own hand of cards, shoplifting fancy jewels, getting high and being late on-set; but what other life skillz did she learn by being a Hollywood child starlet? Hollywood is a ruthless, dirty business-village full of hubris, greed and narcissism and she was nurtured in the middle of it's filthy, but super-sexy, bosom.

Occasionally one meets a Hollywood mogul working for the Downfall of Evil, but they still always have to please the investors. Earth is a commerce-driven planet and humans need to evolve into love-driven humans.

Apparently this is happening, according to a new book on the decline of violence on Planet Earth! Great News! Keep up the good work, Humans!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Popcorn season is upon us! Bring on the Winter-Snacks!

Bells of Venice High

2011-10-23T19:25:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
Another meep checked off the To-Do List; today I got to play at the Folk-Artastic, Mosaic Tile House in Venice CA.

To The Downfall of Evil!
Love The Ukulady

Celebrate Good Times: The Death of Mallomar Gaddafi!

2011-10-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
The big news of the morning: Mallomar Gaddafi is dead. Is it appropriate to have a Celebrate Good Times dance-party with Kool and the Gang? It's awkward to celebrate death, but Mallomar Gaddafi's life's work was the opposite of the Downfall of Evil; in fact, his death is part of the Downfall of Evil.

The death of someone as innately douchebaggy as Gaddafi from planet earth is a good thing. I am generally anti-death-penalty, as I usually feel two wrongs don't make a right and executing murderers seems to be murder; however, there are always exceptions, particularly when it comes to a human who has indulged in horrific anti-human acts for 42 years.

Megalomania is so odd and so constant; humankind has always produced Megalomaniacs and our brains don't seem to have evolved enough to avoid the trap of self-grandeur, which leads to megalomania; however, why does megalomania usually lead to murder, rape & other inhuman acts?

Money & Power led Bill Gates to create solutions to worlwide problems; why didn't Money & Power do the same for Mallomar? Perhaps because Mallomar was not a nerdy intellectual, but a savage warrior. Maybe Money & Power do fairly well in the hands of intellectuals, but ridiculously horrific in the hands of the stupid; as displayed in my latest TV obsession, Breaking Bad. I urge all good-TV Enthusiasts to enjoy it on Netflix.

In other news, I would like to be in a band side-project called The Snacks. This desire came from a Snack Fantasy of wanting a theoretical snack in bed at midnight. I didn't want a real snack, just a fantasy snack, an invisible snack. It was so cozy in bed, the perfect cozy-location for a snack, however I didn't want to re-brush my teeth or actually eat anything. Fantasy Snack is also a good band name.

Love The Ukulady

PS: In honor of Mallomar Gaddafi's death, enjoy WHO CAN WE HATE? By the Ukulady

PPS: Celebrating Mallomar Gaddafi's death is the cousin to telling my ER Nurse Friend to "Have Fun" at work, which I did yesterday.

Happy UnicornFever National Coming Out Day!

2011-10-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
Happy National Coming Out Day! May all humans, robots & woodland creatures feel awesome about themselves and being exactly who they are. To The Downfall of evil, homophobia & discrimination!

This video was made by my dear friend, Mary C. Matthews, of Video Pancakes. I'm very proud of her.

Love The Ukulady

Cobras 'n' Kittens Unite for Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF!

2011-10-10T09:50:00.001-07:00

Cobras 'n' Kittens Unite for Mitch Stein! Art by www.Goopymart.com

Dear Blob,
The Update of GayBearManager BFF/Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch Stein:

Some great blobs, news-footage & articles:

1. Mitch Looks Thin, but Sad in this NewsVideo!

2. The Magic of the Interweb allows Us to Participate! An Online Survey about Whether Mitch should Be Re-Hired! Even if you haven't seen the pictures, trust Meep, they are not grounds for dismissal. Why trust Meep? Because my motto is, as always, To The Downfall of Evil! Evil is Hate. I urge you, Reader & Blob, to vote in support of Mitch and actively join the campaign for the Downfall of Evil. Let small-minded fear 'n' hate enthusiasts know they are in the minority and intellectualism & love will prevail.

3. Mitch's daughter protesting against discrimination! We are all swollen like mama-cow udders with Pride! I nominate Devynn for this year's Downfall of Evil Medallion of Action Prize, similar to the Nobel Peace Prize, but without the cash value.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Ukulady's day job wraps soon; hopefully we will have a wrap party with Rappesr and eat wraps! Maybe Anthony Rapp will be there and we will be rapt!

Fired for Posing with Corndog vs. Public Heroin-Use & Tasty Kakes!

2011-10-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
While Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch Stein's pro-bono lawyer gathers the paperwork to serve the Charter Oak High School District for discrimination, more interesting media stories are emerging, like the basil seedlings I planted a few weeks ago.

My basil seedlets, peeking out of the dirt, are covered in weird black-tar-like meep from odd mushroom spores, which have also emerged from the earth, making the usually-tantalizing basil, creepy and disturbing, just like this recent story in the San Gabriel Tribune: Click Here!

The San Gabriel Tribune reports that an Azusa teacher was (merely) placed on leave after posting on Facebook (quote!), "For the next 40 days I will be giving up heroin - in all its forms" as well as celebrating underage drinking in Europe.

Announcing to Facebook that you are Lenting-it-Up with your Heroin use and the school district only Puts you on Leave?! And Mitch was Fired for posing with a Corndog & some Drag Queens? The glaring homophobia shines as bright as sequin glitter-sparkles favored by drag queens, 5 year old girls and pagaent enthusiasts.

The black mushroom tar-substance of the story is thickening! Just like pudding!

Speaking of pudding, I enjoyed my first Philadelphia Tasty Kake yesterday, courtesy of my new favorite HilariousGayComic, Jackie Jones, a Philly native, who also educated us on the Best Philly Steak, found, not in Philly, but in Atlantic City, New Jersey! The Joy of Learning!

There is more exciting pudding-plot thickening going on with Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch, but I'm not allowed to blob about it yet.... Stay tuned...

Love The Ukulady

ps: Tasty Kake, peanut butter flavor, was delicious; way better than any Hostess or Little Debbie product.

pps: I just went to the Tasty Kake website and they have a product called Krimpets! Meeep!

The Exact Location of Balls, Drag Queens & Feeling Plump!

2011-10-03T09:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
My current day job demands I ride around in a car all day looking for hot people in LA who are not actors. Camera-ready, we call them in the industry, so not necessarily hot, but attractive, easy on the eyeballs.

Speaking of balls, my new fabulous lesbian friends came over for dinner this weekend and the conversation turned to talent-shows featuring gay-men in glitter banana-hammock speedos, which led to Chef LB's girlfriend outing her misunderstanding of ball-location.

Apparently, Chef LB never changed boy's diapers, must have spaced-out during man-anatomy/sex-ed and being gay, never had the opportunity to clarify the exact location of the male junk and she thought balls were attached to the male buttocks.

Chef LB's girlfriend kindly shed light on the actual location of balls, attached to the meep and the concern then turned to: when in Flashdance-like leotard costumes, where do drag-queens tuck their junk?

Now that Chef LB discovered balls are not attached to the male buttocks, her concern was how far drag-queen junk has to go to be tucked away; apparently, they tuck it between the cheeks.

In other news, I thought buttocks was a synonym for bosom until I was 15.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Driving around looking for hot people has minimized my exercise-time, particularly yoga and we get free business lunch everyday, which is leading to a plumpening. After business lunch, I call myself Pouchini, Puccini's lesser-known sibling.

pps: Speaking of drag-queens, Fired-for-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein's former water-polo swim-students seem to have started a Bring Our Coach Back Facebook Page. To The Downfall of Evil!

The SoCal Accordion Festival is Coming!

2011-10-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
The OC Accordion Festival is Next Sunday! Don't miss it at the OC Marketplace in Costa Mesa, CA! Listen to accordions and purchase socks, corndogs & model homes at the exact same time!

Love The Ukulady

Cupcake & Swizzle Stick in "Success!"

2011-09-30T13:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
Many years ago I wrote a song called Cupcakes and Art, singing about how I want a Cupcake Puppet and her boyfriend would be a Swizzle Stick puppet. When I met Adam Brown, the Ukulad, he surprised me with handmade puppets, Cupcake & Swizzle Stick. They will be part of my kids show promoting love, kindness and friendship.

Love The Ukulady

Friendheart

2011-09-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
I'm working a real-person day job with no days-off, which makes me too tired these days to think of anything interesting to blob about. However, I can't stand to have the ickily-hateful Charter Oak School superintendent (Mormon) featured as the first Ukulady Blob, so I give you an oldie, but goodie: FriendHeart

To The Downfall of Evil!
Love The Ukulady

Mitch Tears up on NBC, But No Full Tears for the Haters!

2011-09-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

View more videos at: http://nbclosangeles.com.

Mitch Sounds Super Thin in Radio Interview!

2011-09-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
The tables have turned! Fired-For-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch, has been my manager for several years; however, now that his story is becoming local and hopefully soon, national news, Mitch wants me to be his manager. Ridiculous.

Readers, please click on this meep to listen to an outstanding Radio Interview with Mitch and LA radio personality, Bill Handel!

And click here to read about Mitch on NBC LA!

Apparently, the NBC article hate-party-lover, Jenny Osterkamp, who's vitriolic quote about pulling her kid off the water-polo team because she hates gay people, isn't even a water-polo parent. She's a bit cold-sorey too; not quite the face the Christian Right wants on-camera....

What's the deal with humans loving to hate? The Ukulad was raised a Southern Baptist and knows the old heeb, Jesus's teachings inside and out and tells me that all that dude wanted was for humans to love and care for each other.

As I've blobbed about before, the homosexuals hated in the bible are not our pals in Weho, the Castro, Your Neighborhood and Every Neighborhood on Planet Earth, but the war-mongering humans who pillaged, burned and raped everyone and everything in Egypt, Assyria, Rome, Babylonia and such.

Same idea as Don't Eat Shellfish; these days we have fridges and ice, so shrimp is cool. These days Homosexuals mean the awesome peeps who have the best taste, throw the best parties, get married & raise kids. It's genetic. Poor Michelle Bachman's husband - sooooooo gay! He'd probs love nothing more than to meep it up at Hamburger Mary's with a gaggle of fab drag queens. He probs watches Logo on the sly.

To The Downfall of Evil, indeed.
Love The Ukulady

ps: Mitch sounds really thin in the radio interview!

"You Can't Have My Tears!" Fired-for-Being-Gay Mitch shouts!

2011-09-27T08:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
I was going to wake up early and listen to formerly Gay-Bear-Manager-Mitch, now, Fired-for-Being-Gay Mitch on Bill Handel's popular morning radio show, but I missed it due to extreme bed-coziness; however, he and Devynn are featured on the front page.

In other news, Mitch's lawyer is starting the vast paperwork party it takes to serve suing-party papers to Homophobia High, aka Charter Oak High School of Covina, CA and Mitch is continuing to be the best water-polo-parent & money-raiser, hosting an inner-tube fundraiser recently.

NBC wanted him on the 11o'clock news, but Mitch didn't want to cry on-camera. "They can't have my tears!" he dramatically announced via phone. I pictured him raising his fist to the Pomona nightsky as he shouts, "I want to be on TV! I want to tell my story! But they can't have my tears!" Love it.

Meanwhile: 5 Linguistic & Visually Pleasing Words & Word-Combos

1. Kvetchup: a condiment for Heebs
2. Wussies from Worcester (must properly pronounce Worcester as Wooster)
3. Bored Boarders in the Whore Quarter (of the city)
4. Pork Wheels
5: Man Ham

Love The Ukulady

ps: 6. Trilogy: a name

Eco-Tips from The Unicorn Whisperer: Recyling Propane!

2011-09-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
It's time for everyone to Recycle, Re-Use & Re-Believe in Unicorns.

Love The Ukulady

Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch on Perez Hilton & Corndog Enthusiasm!

2011-09-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch & fiancee, Hugo, Ukulady & Corndog!

Dear Blob,
It's too bad Mitch is engaged to be married to his partner because he if he wanted to, he could have a million dates since being Featured on the Front Page of Perez Hilton last Friday! You read-heard that right, Blob, Gay Icon, Perez Hilton picked up Fired-For-Being-Gay, Mitch's story and featured him alongside Linsdsay, Brittney, Kendra and all the other Hollywood Party Meeps!

Due to working a real-person job, I'm a bit behind the blobbing and was unable to blob this breaking news. What a dream for a gay media enthusiast!

I just searched for the link and discovered Perez has 2 websites, PerezHilton.com and FitHilton.com. Perhaps FitHilton is the new, thin 'n' fit Perez's website. Pleasingly, Mitch is on the Thin website, FitHilton.com, although Perez used the unflattering picture and Mitch looks a bit...puffy and totally cranky. Not the ideal attitude for a date, which isn't going to happen as Mitch is engaged to Hugo, but if it were, the potential Million Dates would probably change the Cranky Attitude Mitch to Happy Mitch Party Meep!

In other news, Ukulad and I inherited a food garden from the NeoSurrealists, who went to MIT to be Geniuses and we are having major bug and fungus issues. Ants and giant antish creatures are having a chomp-festival on the peppers and weird mushrooms, which exude a black, oily substance, are springing up all around the basil & artisan spring mix-greens.

I thought the black mushroom ooze was tar, but closer inspection revealed bulbous mushroom heads, something the homophobic Charter Oak High School Principal would find offensive-in-appearance, bursting through the soil and soiling potential dinner. Ukulad is worried they are poisonous mushrooms, but I feel confident that they are unharmful; more research is needed. This is why I've always grown succulents only; they are almost impossible to kill and take almost no care.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I'm preparing to start the International Corndog Association or Global Corndog Network or Universal Corndog Alliance.
The website will be a venue for Corndog Enthusiasts to post photos of them & their Corndogs! We will celebrate The Corndog via pictures so we don't gain enormous pouches...

The Power of Grassroots Blobbing: Mitch's Story Everywhere!

2011-09-23T08:15:00.000-07:00

PHOTO: The Ukulady's Pet: The Unicorndog!
Dear Blob,
Grassroots blobbing worked! You, blob, using your blobby tenticles, reached a real reporter for the Glendora Patch, who's story subsequently meeped Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch's story out to the Gay Blobbing Galaxy and now Mitch and Devynn are featured on the front page of www.Advocate.com! If one googles Gay Coach Charter Oak, Mitch's story is everywhere!

This is not the way Mitch planned to get famous; he is a hilarious writer, storyteller & Entertainment Visionary. He is responsible for The Ukulady's early youtube fame, getting me a million hits and always has a brilliant showbiz scheme meeping around in his head.

I am relieved I'm no longer responsible for being the Interweb Voice of Mitch's story and somewhat shocked that the power of Grassroots Blobbing actually works. The more I read versions of Mitch's firing, the more ridiculous and outrageous it becomes. I hope the National Corndog Association gets aboard our Outrage-Train and sues Charter Oak for slander.

After I wrote the above sentence, I googled National Corndog Association and found no url, but did find National Corndog Day! Now I'm excited! And wondering if I should start The National Corndog Association... a non-profit dedicated to the advancement of Corndog Appreciation and Corndog Celebration.... Seeking Intern to Help Ukulady launch the National Corndog Association! Must be able to build HTML.

Love The Ukulady
ps: "Look at the Nipple!" I heard my pal say. He said Pitbull. Pitbull Nipple.

Fired-For-Being-Gay, Mitch's News Stories Hit the Stands!

2011-09-22T08:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
Nothing like being emotionally attached to a media story to remember how slanted and biased the media is, depending on reporters & newspaper ownership. Here are 2 stories by real journalists about Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch:

1. The San Gabriel Tribune

2. The Glendora Patch

The San Gabriel Tribune cropped Mitch's daughter, Devynn out of the photo and lays most blame on Mitch's firing for having gaycentric pictures. This is similar to telling a rape victim she's at fault for wearing a mini-skirt.

The entire reason we, Team Stein, feel Mitch has been discriminated against, is because the photos he had on Facebook were neither offensive nor inappropriate, unless you hate drag queens. The San Gabriel Tribue makes the pictures sound racy and outrageous, which they aren't. Boo to the San Gabriel Tribune; Ukulady gives you 3 stars out of 10.

And to make matters worse, they printed a terrible picture of Mitch; he is much cuter in real life. The photo-editors definitely know the way to piss of a gay man: print an unflattering photo of him.

Luckily the Glendora Patch's article is a much more accurate story and gets to the heart of the issue: How has this affected Devynn? And, ultimately, Mitch was a stellar water-polo coach and is an outstanding Dad and the Charter Oak Water Polo Team wants him back.

Kids model behavior. Mitch's firing because he hangs with Drag Queens and poses with corndogs is a green light for kids to rock out at the Hate Festival.

I'm currently reading a 1950's History of the World book, which is surprisingly, outstanding and a reminder that humans have not changed in the past several hundred thousand years. Humans have always been fearful, war-mongering bullies... until they get to know their targets. Then they fall in love. Same old story.

The Ukulady aims to be a Force of Change and continues to campaign for the Downfall of Evil!

Love The Ukulady

ps: Ted Haggarty is going on Celebrity Wife Swap! Poor man; he needs to meep it up with our drag queen friends.

pps: I'm a working girl for the next few weeks, pounding the pavement of LA, seeking camera-ready people with new cars for a market research project; I get business lunch!

ppps: I've inserted a Cute Picture of Mitch to counter the unflattering San Gabriel pic. He's adorable.

Celebrate Thumbs in Joshua Tree & Mitch Update!

2011-09-20T09:14:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
Like firming a muscle with regular, focused attention, relationships & psyches require firming and nothing firms like a trip out of the city. Ukulad and I packed up our camping gear, costumes & Evil Sandwich and in 3 hours were surrounded by the Pink Rocks of Joshua Tree National Park. A million Thumbs Up!

Speaking of thumbs, I spent some Thumb Appreciation time recently, hiding my thumbs under my hands and using my acting background, super-concentrated on internalizing the sensation of being Thumbless, with only 4 working fingers. If I didn't have thumbs my pointer-finger would become superhero-muscley, ripped, as they say in the gyms, fitness & wrestling arenas of planet earth. I'm so glad I have thumbs; Celebrate Thumbs!

In other news, Open Mics & American Idol-like shows are the Modern Campfires of Today. Humans used to gather round the fire and weave song 'n' stories to entertain the tribe or do shadow puppets. Joshua Tree has primo Shadow-Puppet stages everywhere and our campsite was the scene of several alligator, bird & frog shadow-dramas. Joshua Tree rocks are like the Broadway stage for Shadow Puppets. We couldn't get past Short-form Shadow Puppets with the storyline of existence to mouth-opening-activities to death by being-eaten. Good times!

Love The Ukulady

ps: UPDATE ON FIRED-FOR-BEING-GAY-MITCH!
Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch's story has finally been picked up by a real reporter for the Glendora Patch, a blog attached to the Huffington Post! The actual newspaper, a small Covina/Pomona rag, who was going to run the story decided to put off reporting the story until an actual lawsuit is filed, which could be weeks. We assume the newspaper is backed by Conservatives; why else would they put off reporting the News?

pps: I awoke this morning pleased I don't live in a town called Shrillsville. Shrillsville! A town for the shrill!

We Go Together!

2011-09-19T15:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
I am a Valentine & Nature Enthusiast! This song was written in Barra De Navidad, Mexico and videoed in Joshua Tree, CA.

Love The Ukulady

10 Pleasing Word Combos: Day 4

2011-09-15T21:46:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,

1. Strippers eating Chicken Strips on the Strip.
2. Frenergy: Friend Energy!
3. Hobosexuals: Peeps who fancy Hobos.
4. Picky & Busy: Sisters
5. Pumice & Hummus: Sisters
6. Miss Fish, the misfit Fish.
7. Turtleneck! The Movie.
8. Manitard: leotard for men; Catchitard: netted leotard; Shellacitard: Glossy leotard.
9. Al Pacino Cheetos
10. The Fez Dispenser: Stocked with Shriner's headwear.

Love The Ukulady
ps: Detective Nibbles & The Wiglet: a Book

10 Pleasing Word Combos: Day 3

2011-09-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
10 Pleasing Thoughts 'n' Word Combos:

1. The Trip-Trapping of the Von Trapp children...

2. Kim Jong Ill: When you are feeling sickly-despotic/manical; use: "I'm feeling really Kim Jon Ill! I Rule the Universe!"

3. Tidbit Quibble: "Stop Tidbit Quibbling! Todd gets the crumb, Velva gets the morsel!"

4. Flesh Vest & Flesh Cuffs: Kim Jong Il wore a Double-breasted Flesh Vest with Flesh Cuffs.

5. Pillogne: Pillowy Bologne

6. Muffin Man vs. Muscle Man

7. Ukuladian Geometry

8. Temps eating Tempeh in Tempe, Az.

9. Stage Parents vs. Stage Peanuts

10: Organic Ice: "This ice is organic...."

Love The Ukulady

ps: 10.5. Ricotta Frittata on Cibatta!

Update on Fired-For-Being-Gay-in-LA-County, Mitch Stein!

2011-09-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
Finally gay BFF, Mitch Stein, Fired-For-Being-Gay, has given me the thumbs up to blob about the entire story so far, as I understand it:

As we know, Readers & Blob, Gay-Bear-BFF was fired from his water-polo-coaching job because of 3 photos found on his facebook page by an anonymous parent, who sent the them to the principal and superintendent of Charter Oak High School in Covina, CA.

Breaking News: Mitch is 99% sure that the Anonymous Parent is a former classmate of his who, incredibly, used to gay-bash him in high school!

Here's the Scoop:
Apparently another coach ordered several water-polo players to wash cars for a water-polo-related punishment. One of the car-washers was the son of the Gay-Bashing Anonymous Parent (apparently a Cop!); other carwashing water-polo-players have come forward to say that, upon seeing his kid washing cars, they overheard Gay-Bashing Anonymous Parent say: "I'm going get that F*****g F*gg*t!" Wow.

My breath is taken away with outrage, sadness and disgust. What is so scary to Gay-Bashing Cop-Dad about being Gay?

The good news is most of the water-polo parents are now wearing Team Stein tee-shirts and several other high schools have offered Mitch water-polo-coaching jobs. However, Mitch coached to spend time with his daughter, who by the way, is doing well and loves high school. Strong kid.

The school has yet to respond to Why Mitch Was Fired, but did send 3 certified letters downsizing the facebook photos from Obscene to Inappropriate. Watch out Corndog-Snacking People in Photographs!

Where is the press? Aside from my modest snack-centric blob, there will be an article coming out in a Pomona/Covina rag; but not until Mitch's lawsuit of is filed. Where is the LA Times? If this is how the press covers discrimination & homophobia, no wonder people still feel justified to smugly commit acts of Hate.

Where are the gay folks in the Covina? Why aren't they rallying? Why aren't they loud and angry that someone in their community has been fired for being gay? Sadly, we think that they are scared, afraid of being targets for hate crime. Mitch's firing is sending the gays of Covina and Pomona back into the closet. Makes me want to record an audio cassette of throw-up sounds and magically make it play on loop in the prinicipal's car, office & home.

Something is horribly wrong here. No one is blobbing about this; 1 small-time newspaper has picked up the story, but hasn't even published it yet! Where are the Gay Rights blob-bloggers? Please pick up this news! Don't let the kids of Covina learn from the celebration of hate perpetuated by the Charter Oak High School District.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I wonder how many gay bars the Gay-Bashing Anonymous Cop Parent secretly frequents? Give us a break, Gay-Basher! We know you want to be tagged in the Ukulady's Japanese Creme Collon Cookie picture

10 Pleasing Word Combos: Day 2

2011-09-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
10 Pleasing Thoughts Verbally & Visually: Day 2

1. Shrimp Thins: Crackers
2. Flesh Punch: a beverage
3. Backpack Snack-Yak
4. Tuna Cotillion: Party for Tuna Teens named Tina
5. Flatmeat Melts 'n' Flatmelt Meats
6. Kvetch Cords: Corduroys to wear while kvetching
7. Florkle: Ladel & Fork
8. Jehovah Java: Coffee for the Devout
9. Prostitots: Baby hookers
10: Trader Jews: TJ's for the Heebs

Love The Ukulady

ps: Is Oy in the Dictionary?
pps: Where does the word Corduroy come from? So weird.

10 Pleasing Thoughts: Day 1

2011-09-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
10 Pleasing Thoughts: Verbally or Visually

1. Minions with Bunions: The Egyptian slaves, hauling all those stone blocks....
2. Excellence Day
3. Fashion Model Fish
4. Spungry: Spunky & Hungry
5. Chartreuse: a girl's name
6. Ganhdi: I put the Fist in Pacifist!
7. She-Whistle vs. He-Whistle
8. Baby-Steps vs. Booby-Traps
9. Christ-Krispies: a Cereal for the Devout
10. Knee Caps: Hats for Knees

Love The Ukulady
ps: Squid Square

UkuAdventures: Resignation Mired in Capitalism!

2011-09-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
1. Waiting Rooms are a Vortex of Hell. This week I was forced to watch Gluttony TV in a medical Waiting Room. The only redemption was the fact that I am not actually in a cinematic Far-Sideish Hell and I didn't have to stay there forever.

2. Gluttony TV: Man vs. Food the Television Show is an exceptional example of Humanity at its Worst. If I was an alien mother and my alien child wanted to take the spacecraft to cruise Planet Earth, I would show my alien child an episode of that television show in hopes of deterring his journey.

Yet, the gluttonous part of me enjoys the enormous melty-cheese-heavy foods consumed by the host and I'm interesting in visiting the Giant Food Eateries featured. However by the end of the show, when the host, sweating melted-cheese and MSG, stuffs the last of a 5 pound cheeseburger into his pie-hole, I'm repelled by the Celebration of Gluttony and disappointed, once again, in American Television's Promotion of Excess.

These are times, not of Unawareness of the Dark Side, of which Gluttony is part of, but Resignation mired in Capitalism. "Shrug, sigh, oh well, the '60's movement didn't work; there's a serious water problem, toxic-waste everywhere, politicians have learned nothing from the last 1000 years, human genes will either mutate & get with the program or die-off, so I may as well make some money so I can afford to live in a non-polluted part of planet earth....Mmmm, French Fries..."

When Greed & Narcissism, which seem ingrained in human genetics, are bred out of humans, my pretend Alien Mother will allow my pretend Alien child to visit Planet Earth.

Love The Ukulady

ps: My pal's psychic step-mother (take it in) says that when Planet Earth has catastrophic toxic events occur, like Fukushima, there is a rise in UFO sightenings because radiation affects ET's and the Universe... Time to Celebrate Life Today!

Ukuadventures in LA: Weird-Skin Fever!

2011-09-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
I forgot to mention I've got some weird splotchy skin condition in the exact same place on both hands, which appeared overnight. It seems to be an allergic reaction, perhaps to plants or dirt, of which I've been dabbling in.

My hands appear to have been splashed with dark stain, the opposite of my imaginary BFF, Michael Jackson's supposed splotchy skin-whitening disease, vitiligo. The weblet of my fingers, when spread like an enthusiastic gymnast, now has super-dark pigment reaching from between the pinkies to each finger-web and the entire fleshy top-hand section near the thumb. It's slightly itchy, now and again but from my interweb research, does not seem to be cancer, thank meep.

Speaking in reading-words, of Michael Jackson, I used to have a re-occuring dream that I helped him, listened to him, like a therapist friend. One night I dreamt my good non-imaginary friend, Jeff Brown, beat out Michael Jackson in Blue Man Group Auditions. I told Jeff of this dream and he went out and auditioned for Blue Man, winning a spot on the Blue Man squad and has been paying his bills catching mock-marshmallows in his mouth for years.

When Brittney Spears was troubled, I dreamt several times I was her helper-therapist friend. Thankfully, those dreams have passed; I have no interest in helping Brittney. Michael, yes, but sadly, he didn't hear my Psychic MeepCall of Friendship.

Love The Ukulady

PS: Fabulous Word Combos:
1. Snack Trolley
2. Diner Dinner Date (Lad and I enjoyed a grilled-cheese date at Mar Vista's 5-star bowling alley diner recently)
3. Sleepwalking Snacktasting

UkuCrafting Fever!

2011-09-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
Will someone please invent an awesome hot glue gun? Hot Glue Gun technology is seriously stuck in the sixties.

Love The Ukulady

Tell a Dog with Grandma Cookie Jar!

2011-09-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

UkuAdventures in LA: The Horror of the LA County Fair & Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch Update!

2011-09-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Wiggle Wurm, Giant Pumpkin, Man's Neck

Dear Blob,
I made the mistake of going to the LA County Fair yesterday. It was dollar-day and Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF Mitch, his daughter Devynn and the Ukulad, were up for the event.

I love county fairs, being surrounded by cordog stands and shiny, bright rides, even though I don't enjoy riding; however the LA County Fair is like the Far Side Hell version of the Fair.

Several years ago I wrote this song about the LA County Fair; perhaps I thought it had changed, but it is still a Vortex of the Worst of Humanity, including:

1. Whore Mommies: These are tarted-up mommies (usually very young), in super-high-heels and skimpy, skin-tight outfits, pushing strollers. Who goes to the Fair in stilettos? Perhaps they have robot-feet.

2. Extreme Pouches: Like Extreme Sports, Extreme Pouches are tummy pouches taken to the next level. LA County Fair patrons, when not in Whore Mommy outfits, are clad in what Tina Fey calls Mom Jeans, I call them Pouch Pants: usually plus-sized humans in thick, tight jeans, waistbanded just under the bosom, cinched tight at the upper waist (located above the belly button), with ballooning pouches sheathed in denim above and below the belt, causing the Extreme Pouch People to resemble gigantic 8's.

3. Babies drinking Slurpees, Sodas & eating French Fries.

4. Mullets, cameltoes, gluttony, consumerism, heat-exhaustion medicated with softee-serve.

6. Family abuse. This was the tipping point of Awfulness. I made the huge mistake of standing in a 30 minute line for a corndog, when I saw an adult man punch a pre-teen boy, who seemed to be his stepson. The mother stood by, snacking on her fried-stick, 2 smaller boys, resembling the adult man, ignored the violence and continued munching fried stix, probably relieved they were not the target.

It was horrible and horrifying and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to give the punched kid a card for a family-abuse hotline/non-profit; I wanted to yell at the mother to protect her kids and notify authorities of the abuse. However, surrounded by thousands of people, flashing ride-lights and carnies hawking, there wasn't much I could do. The father was the kind of guy who would probably punch me if I said anything.

I wanted to take photos of all the incredibly horrible Outfit No's, but instead, I took a picture with my Cameraheart.

Why is the LA County Fair worse than other fairs? It could be the 15 million Angelinos, disconnected to nature and community, unaccustomed to looking strangers in the eyeballs and de-programmed from saying hello on the street. A sea of sweating humans gorging on shiny-tan-foods in checkered baskets made from trees, soon to be landfill.

We marveled at the amount of money coming in; Mitch estimated one carnie stand was bringing in $40 every 5 minutes.

The best part of the fair is the convention hall of plants and tacky National Park displays with paper-mache wolves 'n' bears.

The Ukulad: They tore up real nature to construct fake nature.

Humans flocked to the cool halls of green chlorophyll and kids happily frolicked on a man-made tree-laden hill with dioramas of fake animals mixed with real animals in glass cases. The Angeles Mountains were clear in the distance, the smog of LA joyously blown away. I longed to be in the mountains, but at the same time my eyeballs enjoyed the rainbow sparkles of the carnival rides and portable candy-snack-shacks.

Positive LA County Fair highlights included the table-setting competition, the quilts and looking at old baked goods in competition display cabinets.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Update from Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch: The school district refuses to make a statement and has downgraded his facebook photos from Obscene to Inappropriate. The parents of the water-polo players have made Team Stein tee-shirts and all the players cheered when Mitch appeared on the pool deck, cooler of water and oranges in hand, to cheer on the team.

The homophobic principal announced she would make appear at a water-polo-parent meeting and make a statement, but she was a no-show. Several other high schools have offered coaching jobs to Mitch, but he turned them down, as the point of coaching was to spend time with his daughter. Devynn loves high school. Stay tuned for more.... Newspaper articles should be out soon....

pps: During the Pig Races, I sat behind a man with the most extraordinary crinkly-neck: see photo.

Tell a Dog with Don Black of Ghiant Music!

2011-09-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
In honor of my BFF, Global Genius, Don Black, Tells a Dog his problems and then feels better!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Headed to the LA County Fair! Mullets, Corndogs & Cameltoe here we come!

How To Feel Better About Life: Thankful I'm Not a Sister Wife!

2011-09-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: SAG Sister Wives vs. Non-Union Sister Wives

Dear Blob,
I've started watching Sister Wives the reality show on TVComputer. My overwhelming feeling after watching Kody, his 4 wives and 16 kids, is exhaustion and relief that my parents are neither Mormons nor Plural Marriage Enthusiasts.

Watching Sister Wives is a great way to feel good about one's own family. With 4 wives and 16 kids, Sister Wives family-dysfunction is Orange Alert if Family Dysfunction was on the governments color-coded Terror Alert, which by the way, has been phased out. I pitied the awkward teens of the plural-marriage family.

Sister Wives inspired today's Mini-Guide To Feeling Better About Your Life!

1. When feeling low about your family dysfunction, enjoy an episode of Sister Wives! At least you didn't grow up in the world of plural marriage!
2. If you can't watch Sister Wives because you don't have eyeballs or TVComputer, feel thankful you have arms!
3. If you don't have arms, at least you have eyeballs to read this!
4. If your eyeballs don't work, at least you have access to audio technology that allows you to listen to the Ukulady's reasons for feeling thankful.
5. If you are a member of a plural marriage family, think of the Donner Party!

Love The Ukulady

ps: The Ukulad is tired of thinking of the Donner Party in times of stress.

pps: I mourn the television loss of Big Love; SAG Sister Wives are much more visually-pleasing to watch than Non-Union life Sister Wives.

Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits!

2011-08-30T17:16:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits! by The Magnetic Fields! Covered by The Ukulady & The Evil Sandwiches!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Stay tuned for the Continuing Gaga of Mitch Being Fired Because He Is Gay! Waiting for the update....

UkuAdventures in LA: The Power of Cookies!

2011-08-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Mitch & his Daughter, Powerful Japanese Cookies!

Dear Blob,
A few months ago while shopping at my local Japanese grocery I took a photo of a package of Japanese cookies called Cream Collons, posted it to facebook and tagged my best gay friends in it. They were amused.

Last week my BFF, Mitch Stein, was fired from his water-polo coaching job at his daughter's high school, for being gay. An anonymous parent sent the principal and superintendent of Charter Oak
High School in Covina an angry letter demanding Coach Stein be fired and included:

1. a photo of Mitch and some drag queens
2. Mitch eating a corndog
3. my Cream Collon Cookies photo.

Within a couple hours of his firing, four gay lawyers offered their services for free and dozens of parents of water-polo players wrote letters demanding that the best coach they've ever had, be re-hired.

The Principal and Superintendent insist Mitch was not fired for being gay, pointing out they have several other gay teachers. Mitch points out the other gay teachers are the Good kind of Gay: Quiet. Mitch is anything but a Quiet Gay. Aside from his desire to get back on the pool deck and coach, he's hoping this situation will secure him a spot as Grand Marshal of Gay Pride Long Beach.

I am beyond appalled that humans who consider themselves educators of children are promoting discrimination and homophobia. My tax dollars are going to a public school system that is celebrating and modeling Hate. The kids of Charter Oak High School are being taught homophobia and I'm angry! I'm sickened and sad for the Gay Kids of America and outraged that so-called child-advocates consider it ok to choose Hate over Human Sexuality.

I have some questions for Principal Kathleen Wiard and Superintendent Terry Stanfill of Charter Oak High School in West Covina:

1. How will you fight discrimination and homophobia in your school?

2. What message does the firing of Coach Stein send to the Gay Students? To the straight students?

To me their actions say Hate is Cool! it's ok to fire someone for being loudly, openly gay; and if you are a gay student, you better keep quiet or risk future jobs and professional opportunities.

3. Why do you, Principal & Superintendent, think Coach Stein thinks you fired him because he is gay?

Apparently the Principal & Superintendent and Anonymous Mormon parent prefer hate over human sexuality. Why are humans so afraid of human sexuality? Perhaps because it puts us on the same level as animals and humans want to think we are more than animals. We aren't. Not yet.

I would far prefer my theoretical child to learn about human sexuality of all kinds than hate.

Please pass this blog on Readers. Making the principal & superintendent's shamefully hateful act public, is part of the Downfall of Evil.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Mitch, saavy heeb he is, had even gotten the water-polo team a $500/month sponsor.

pps: This principal and superintendent will never work in Hollywood with this kind of attitude. I hope they have really bad hair, outfits and home decor forever, as no gay should ever give them any fashion or decorating advice.

ppps: Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. I love advice and hot tips from my gays. We all have our strengths: I've got a fiscally-saavy-heeb gene; Ukulad, from the South, is leisurely-slow; Cameron blows away feng-shui furniture arrangers.

UkuAdventures: Kim Jong Il Should Read the Far Side!

2011-08-25T22:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
Maybe if Kim Jong Il read the Far Side, he would lighten up and the people of North Korea could enjoy the interweb, world travel and reading literature other than books about Kim Jong Il.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I'm particularly partial to Far Side Chickens.

pps: I drove to the Bay Area today! Little is as soothing as the feeling of being in my homeland and I was like a junkie for the summer Northern California Air, inhaling giant sniffs, unable to get enough of it. Thrilling and joyful to see the starry sky again.

UkuAdventures in LA: Monster Truck Hits The Ukulady!

2011-08-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Ukulady, Phil Proctor of Firesign Theater & Evil Strawberry Sandwich!

Dear Blob,
I started my day calling 911 and ended my day with doughnut crumbs in my hair. An unbelievable 10 hours.

After an early am hour in excruciating lady-pain, moaning on the couch, thinking of the pioneers, clutching my pouch and awaiting ibuprofen to kick in, which it did, I embarked on an excursion to my voiceover agency in Studio City.

My car was fresh with 2 new tires and an alignment after the flat tire on the 405 incident 2 days ago. I and Zippy Cupcake entered the hell of the 405 North at morning rush hour. I turned on my indicator, checked my mirrors, noticed a monster truck in the next lane, behind me, with plenty of room to merge. I began to change lanes and was shocked when the monster truck hit me smack on the back of my car. I pulled to the side of the 405 for the second time in 3 days and surprisingly, another small silver car also pulled over. Apparently the monster truck hit both of us and oddly, in the exact same place. She had been behind me, merging as well and he clearly did not see either of us. My theory is his truck was too high and our cars are low to the ground.

It was ridiculous being in the shoulder of the 405 twice in 3 days. The truck driver became defensive and schmucky, yelling at me and the other girl in the small car that we had run into him. It was an odd moment, deciding to call 911; I was unsure whether it was a 911 situation. It was an emergency but not life-threatening; there should be another number for Sort-Of-Emergencies; Non life-threatening emergencies.

The coppers arrived and we were ordered back in our cars while they did their police business. Awaiting the cops for my story-version, there was another fender bender right next to us. It was surreal, watching and hearing their crunching crash and I felt somewhat jealous of them because their accident situation was not going to involve waiting for cops, as they were already right there with our accident. We could have had an accident party and networked!

Police report done, car inspected, it appeared I could drive on to my audition. I pulled on to the freeway and got up to about 50 mph, when I heard beeping and a white car pulled up alongside me, frantically waving for to get off the freeway. Thank meep I did, because the white car turned out to be a AAA technician who noticed my back tire, where the Monster Truck hit it, wobbling and about to come off!

My new BFF, Daniel, the AAA Technician from El Salvador, saved my life! Chatting with him as we awaited Alphie and his tow truck, I felt like I was in the movie Crash. Daniel and I discussed God, The Universe, Death, Nature & Pupusas. I got to know about Daniel's absent father and his pre-school teacher wife, whom he brought from El Salvador. He knew my voiceover work from The Sims and Silent Hill and we talked about having children. It was a cinematic meeting and I hugged him farewell when Alphie arrived.

Alphie, a recent UCLA microbiology graduate, inspected my car, declared my axel bent and towed my car to Jessy the Mechanic.

Along the way, Alphie told me a riveting story of his college buddies who were recently beaten by SF Cops and had captured it on video! One of the beaten kids's father is a Bel Air Lawyer/DA. Bad kid for the police to beat up. Alphie also revealed he'd towed Jay Leno's car and Pierce Bronsnan's, who startled Alphie with his extraordinary in-real-life-beauty, even though Alphie is not gay. It was the best AAA experience possible.

Jessy the Mechanic was awesome, insurance-reporting was smooth and Dayton at Hertz was hilarious. Five hours after I left the Marshmallow, I arrived at my agency where I pretended to be cartoon flamingo twins. I hope I book the parts.

I arrived home to Jessica for band rehearsal and collapsed, my body depleted of energy from the adrenalin.

Somehow I revived by 7 to play dress-up and perform songs at a variety show for an audience of Phil Proctor of Firesign Theater and other oddball artists. I wore my pioneer bonnet for a rendition of Campfire Vampire. After the show, Jessica bought us doughnuts, reminiscent of our Churro Times in Mexico.

I returned the the Marshmallow and wearing my doughnut pants, covered in glaze and powdered sugar, considered my day; it was unexpected, but the smoothest, most pleasant car-garbagecrap day/experience/event possible, thanks to Daniel, Alphie & Jessy. They made me want to be a AAA Technician, the Modern Hero.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Lately I've been wanting to do every job I've been around: Elvis Impersonator, AAA Techie, Mechanic, Accordion Player....

pps: Everyone's LA Car-Crap Card comes up at some point. May the past 4 days last me many years to come.

UkuAdventures in LA: Mumu of Fear & Kimmy Jong Il has FUN!

2011-08-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
Humans in olden-days cultures chewed on willow bark to alleviate pain; I can't help but feel so wimpy when I'm in agonizing lady-pain, popping several necessary ibuprofen, thinking of pioneer women giving birth, sometimes alone and then getting up a day later to walk across the country and on the way, slaughtering a buffalo for tallow to make soap to wash laundry and dishes. If they were near a tree, let alone a willow tree, for pain-alleviating-twig-suckling or just old-fashioned shade, they were extraordinarily lucky.

In other news, I was waiting for my car to get new tires yesterday in the Tire-ery waiting room and the 24 hour News Network was playing continuous coverage of the rare East Coast earthquake. It is geologically exciting and I'm sure East Coast geologists are giddy with delight, but the 24 hours News Network, as per their job description, was ridiculously over-dramatic. Their ability to dramatize some broken knick-knacks was impressive.

The 24 hour News Networks must be responsible for one of the many Mumus of Fear that drape over our scared and plump nation; unfortunately, not a kitschily fabulous, form-fitting mumu but the ugly tent-like mumu designed to hide the problems underneath, designed for those who've given up and are resigned.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Kim Jong Il recently went on a field trip to a Russian grocery store and went boating with Russian Leaders, while chatting about Nuclear testing. NPR quoted Kimmy as calling the trip "Fun!" It's nice Kimmy gets to have so much Fun! Life is Fun! Apparently, Kimmy wants to resume socializing with other world leaders and start "talks" about his Nuclear toys.

I'm pleased the Russians were clever enough to mask the weight of Nuclear Chit-Chat under the pleasure of boating and Grocery-Store-Browsing. I know I like to have heavy discussions in the cookie aisle and as previously noted, the Ocean (or large-body-of-water) is Natural Valium. Great Work Russians!

pps: I love the visual image of Kimmy Jong Il eagerly perched on the brow of a boat, wind blowing his hair-piece back, jowls flapping, a healthy flush on his stem-cell-infused cheeks, perhaps an expensive Italian sweater casually draped across his evil-doer shoulders, a glass of cognac in hand....

UkuAdventures in LA: The Donner Party, Pancakes & Gadhafi!

2011-08-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
Late last night I made the mistake of googling The Donner Party. After a few minutes of reading various diary accounts I realized that immersing myself in The Donner Party lore before bedtime was a terrible choice, as I'm renown in the UkuMarshmallowHouse for having nightmares.

To rid my subconscious of The Donner Party's accounts of starvation, death and cannibalism, I googled Pancakes.

I did not have nightmares.

Love The Ukulady

ps: In honor of our non-friend, Mallomar Gadhafi, enjoy an old Ukulady tune!

pps: When is that Mallomar going to bow out? Get the hint, dude! Wouldn't it be more fun to spend your senior years on a Mediterranean island doing karaoke and eating pancakes rather than die amidst dusty rubble? What is wrong with these meglomaniacs?

pps: I am a maple syrup snob and refuse corn syrup syrup; however, if I was a Donner PArty member, I would be thrilled to eat corn syrup syrup!

UkuAdventures in LA: Fear Propaganda, Velveeta & Seeds!

2011-08-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
Driving around LA, I'm disgusted by the amount of billboards for new movies and television that base their ad campaigns around Fear. Like whiny Luke Skywalker in the first Star Wars, I feel whiny about Fear Propaganda; "When will Americans realize our society is based on Fear Propaganda?" Whine I in a whiny meep.

When I was on my way to Mexico for 5 weeks, more than 5 friends looked stricken upon learning of my destination and warned me against getting kidnapped. I was surprised that so many well-educated, saavy and seemingly-courageous friends of mine still believe everything the news says. Thanks American News for Meeping up the Mexican Tourism industry! It would be like someone saying to an LA-bound tourist, "Ahh! Careful you don't get shot!" Interestingly, many non-Americans I've met believe that all Americans carry guns.

Videogames about war and fighting, television about murder and crime, films about murder and betrayal, books on sex and vampires; this is what our society is raising new humans on. Since the rise of Monotheism, humans have relied on Fear Propaganda and I find it mind-blowing that Fear Propaganda is still going strong; it's numero uno! Fear is Little Miss Pretty Princess, Gold Medal Winner, Valedictorian!

The Hollywood movie billboards are a sad joke on humanity. Millions of dollars wasted on a couple hours of chip-eating-inducing escapsim about either fat stoners or sexy murder. The Hollywood moguls would seemingly rather buy another vacation house than stand up to their peers and say, "Meep this! I'm going to make a 100 million dollar film about kindness!" Bummer for the masses who don't have the privilege of a private school education which encouraged me to be a critical thinker and question, rather than fill-in-the-SAT-bubbles and remain a frightened chip-eating sheep. I'm a chip-eating questioner.

The news frightens people of the wrong things. A tiny part of Mexico is dangerous, not the entire country. What is dangerous is the Fukushima nuclear waste spreading throughout the globe. The news considers Jessica Simpson's fat more important than radioactive poisoning, which is Everywhere. Apparently the Fear Propaganda leaders prefer to keep humans scared of each other and mind-broadening world-travel.

The pioneers were told by pioneer newspapers that the Indians were bloodthirsty, so they set off into Indian Territory terrified and racist. Genocide comes from Fear Propaganda.

I'm not scared of international travel or Muslims or checking out Watts Towers in Watts. I'm not scared of people; I'm scared of what the media doesn't tell us: that there is nuclear waste and toxic poison seeping into every corner of planet earth.

I'm scared my years in LA will compromise my health because after all, Readers, LA is a Nuclear Wasteland. How do we get the word out that a Nuclear Meltdown Larger than Three Mile Island happened here in Los Angeles and has never been cleaned up? Does anyone care? Attention San Fernando Valley Dwellers: You are living amidst Nuclear Waste! Don't let your kids play in the dirt outside! Seriously. That's something to be scared of, not taking a trip across borders.

Because of the invention of Money, humans continue to foster racism and xenophobia. Poor humans; too stupid to realize positive thinking is the best choice, until some idiotic book like The Secret comes along, the saavy authors making billions off Human Insecurity.

In other news, how can Velveeta possibly be cheese? I was nibbling leftover Velveeta, which some non-hippie-raised hippie brought over and a droplet fell on my lap. I peeled it off and not a trace remained; it was like plastic. The Lad looked up Velveeta ingredients and apparently it is not technically plastic; however, any food that peels off fabric without leaving a mark can't actually be food.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I planted seeds of basil and artisan salad spring mix a week ago and little green sproutlets are shooting up! Its' so rewarding! Everyone should plant seeds; it feels so fantastic! It should be a requirement in school: gardening from seeds!

UkuAdventures in LA with UkuMommy!

2011-08-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Elvisfans, Honey Butters gets Flat Tire, Mom & Uncle Jhn with Cheri Pann of Mosaic Tile House, UkuMom & Uncle's Childhood House, 2nd Mar Vista Childhood house

Dear Blob,
This weekend was beyond stimulating. I journeyed to more neighborhoods in the past 2 days than I have in the past 6 months. Friday was an adventure with UkuMom & Director Di from Venice to Los Feliz to Lincoln Height's St. Vincent De Paul Thrift Store, the largest in LA, to surprisingly outstanding fish tacos in Highland Park, to Studio City where, like the fish tacos, we were surprised to see an outstanding play.

Throw in a yoga class with my teacher in town from Bali, which, with a tiny foot adjustment, resulted in my first pain-free yoga practice in 18 months. Director Di, in her fabulous British accent, wove stories of being mugged at 3am on Christmas Eve, after deciding to go grocery shopping and being freelancers-broke at 61, without enough money one morning to take the bus and then a residual check for 27,000 pounds arriving in the evening. A transformative and road-weary day.

Saturday we journeyed into a time-machine vortex in my mom’s childhood neighborhood and my current hood, of Mar Vista with my mom's brother, Uncle John, who drove us up and down the streets of their youth from 1946 - 1951. Memories of slug-collecting, a still-damaged pinky-finger slammed in the gate of Mar Vista Elementary, my uncle's paper route, my mom being refused a paper-route because of gender, a nursery called Flowerland, their father's soda-fountain in the now-Whole-Foods, celery fields, scooter-riding down hills; in between the memories we stopped at garage sales, where UkuMom scored 2 valuable works of art for $5 and $20, potentially worth $500 - 1500. Interesting universe-energy that she garage-sale-scores in her childhood neighborhood….

We rang the doorbell of their childhood house and the surprised current resident, a recently discharged-Marine, graciously gave us a tour of her family’s home, which her father had lived in for 40 years. Minds blown, UkuMom and Uncle John wandered around their old house, a giant Spanish style with sweeping arches. My mom tripped and fell against the closet where she remembered being beaten with a rod and she pointed out her upstairs patio, where she'd watch the clouds roll by. Serious vortex of mind-magic.

Exhausted from garage sales and memories, we lunched at Casablanca and then were privileged enough to get a tour of the extraordinary folk-art extravaganza, the Mosaic Tile House. We were beyond withered, but remembering the Donner Party, we napped and somehow, doughnuts in hand, made it to a fabulous gayman party in Larchmont, complete with BBQ/Southern-cooking catering and so many Hott people, I felt the urge clutch my pouch and shout at the ridiculously-hot 'n' slim party-goers:

"This is a Pouch! It's a naturally-occurring body-part in 99% of the Women of Planet Earth!"

Then I decided we were all hot and if we competed in a Who Is The Hottest Party Pageant, our party would win. Then I created a reality television show around the concept and pitched it to my EP friend.

It was a weekend-orgy of extraordinary experiences. Most weeks the most exciting thing I do is make friends with the clerk at Trader Joes'.

The scoop is, Blob 'n' Readers, Sunday still hadn't happened yet.

Sunday: a workday, booked to entertain at the 12th annual Elvisfest. I woke up at 7am, dressed up as Honey Butters, Elvis's pretend manager, beehived, heavily-makeupped, be-mumu-ed and wearing a giant TCB foam necklace, and I got on the road at 8am to Orange County. 3 minutes on the 405 South, one of the busiest freeways on planet earth, I got a flat tire. In my Elvisfest outfit. I thought of the Donner Party.

An hour late to work at Elvisfest from the flat tire, Honey Butters was a hit with the ancient Elvis superfans, who were ridiculously enthusiastic, almost manic, during the Elvis Impersonator sets. Elvisfest is at the OC Marketplace, a swap-meet where you can purchase anything, from socks to produce to a pre-fab house. 5000 people, at least 50 Elvi and hundreds of fans who were acting like
1. Teenagers
2. Elvis is not dead and every Elvis impersonator is actually Elvis.

I shepherded a very popular Elvis around the fest, handed out Elvis stickers to screaming Old-People-Teenagers and made it home for teatime with Ukumom's friend from the early '60;s, character actor, Larry Hankin, and Evil Sandwich, Jessica, resident genius of all things.

We ate plums from Hummingbird Hall, jicama & Japanese rice crackers, discussing the denial of the wealthy, human greed and the decline of human evolution. Good Times!

Love The Ukulady

ps: The past 3 days was like going to a Buffet, but I didn't feel sick at the end and it was fabulous, not sickly.

UkuAdventures in LA: Elvisfest

2011-08-21T07:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
Today I will snack on Love Me Tenders, a tasty Elviscentric snack at the 12th annual Elvisfestival!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Love Me Tenders taste like chicken.

UkuAdventures in LA: Mycological Meep!

2011-08-20T08:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
Mornings with UkuMommy are for enjoying hot beverages and chatting. Off we go garage saleing! Enjoy this mycological video

Love The Ukulady
ps: Yesterday we found the largest thrift store in LA!

UkuAdventures in LA: UkuMom Visits!

2011-08-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Special Occasion Dinner, UkuMom, Mary Props & Director Di!

Dear Blob,
The Ukulady's UkuMommy has come to visit! UkuMom grew up in Mar Vista in the 1940's when the Red Cars trolleyed down Venice Blvd and most of Mar Vista was farmhouses. She remembers her farmer neighbor who would grill sausage and Sunday meats for the entire neighborhood; his farm is now several ugly 1970's apartment buildings.

The concrete sprawl of Mar Vista was wetlands, forest, creeks and orchards and parents felt safe enough to send their kids on the bus to the Santa Monica Beach. My mom and her brother never went to Venice though, a mile south of Santa Monica. Perhaps because in the olden days Venice was a sin-hive, swarming with rum-runners, low-life, street-walkers and other unsavory characters who might land from the sea.

UkuMom and I thrifted in Culver City, braving the cracked-out & agonizingly-slow clerks at Goodwill, strolled the Venice Canals, where I, sticky-fingered several interesting succulent specimens for my succulent garden. Succulents will re-root, after being nipped or snapped off and multiply, needing almost no care. The perfect plant pet: low-maintenance Dr.Seussian spaceshippy plants!

Our evening was spent in the Marshmallow's (UkuHouse) garden-eatery with UkuMom's magical lady friends, Di the British Director from London (Gary Oldman was once her lover!) & Props Mary the Healer (she works in props and is a shaman healer!), along with Evil Strawberry Sandwich, aka, Jessica of Jessaly, and Sailor Aleks, our neighbor. I prepared handmade cornmeal-crust fresh-pesto-pizza with fancy mushrooms purchased on sale at the local Japanese supermarket. Jessica brought a candy salad, full of blueberries, strawberries, candied pecans & greens. It was a tasty & magical Special Occasion event.

In other news, UkuMom wants a Segway. The Segway is a topic of constant mockery in the UkuMarshmallow House, thanks to Gob Bluth of Arrested Development. However, after UkuMom expressed her desire for the ridiculous vehicle, I see the light! The Segway, is the Perfect mode of transport for Folks-Getting-Older! It's not as shameful as the fat-scooter and doesn't have the stigma of the wheelchair; The Segway should be The Vehicle for Seniors! I'd like to champion this along with the Downfall of Evil!

Love The Ukulady

ps: In other news, UkuMom pointed out that The Ocean is Natural Valium. Always listen to your mommy.

UkuAdventures in LA: Meeping in Highland Park

2011-08-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Garden with Fake Flowers, UkuFamily, Unicorndog & Succulents

Dear Blob,
The other day was Take-Your-Girlfriend-To-Work Day, so I went to Highland Park with the Ukulad to meep around the neighborhood. What a gem of a 'hood, full of hillsides packed with craftsman houses in need of TLC, abuelitas & secret stairwalks. The downside is the hideous smog, which in the summertime, gets trapped inland, making it difficult to see the gorgeous Angeles Mountains. I wandered around the hilly streets, stumbling upon vintage Victorians and sweeping palm-tree-lined boulevards, which reminded me of parts of Oakland, near Lake Merritt.

The gritty main drag, York, is packed full of taco-shops and ridiculous stores, like SoCal Flagpole Supply. Is there a NorCal Flagpole Supply? I'm surprised there's enough of a demand to keep a flagpole supply shop in business; what are the flagpole enthusiasts purchasing once they have their pole and flag? Flagpole polish? Do the Polish polish things?

In other news, there is a street in Mt. Washington/Highland Park called Marmion, which sounds like an animal or a race of people: Look at the Marmions in that tree! The Marmions of Marmia! Marmions are known for their Marmion hospitality and Marmion cheese.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Meeping around Highland Park, I came upon a magical garden, full of colorful, blooming flowers; however, upon further inspection, the yard was actually decorated with fake flowers planted in pots of dirt. My grandma used to plant fake flowers.

pps: Highland Park is full of chickens; not too many chickens in Mar Vista. The Chickens of Highland Park!

UkuAdventures in LA: Pipecleaner Yogi

2011-08-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
Among my hobbies of succulent-gardening, world travel & thrifting, is Anusara Yoga. I'm a total Anusara yoga snob, commuting across the city to practice with my favorite yoga teachers. It is a un-naturally fat-free environment, except for me, Yogi-with-a-Pouch.

Love The Ukulady
ps: The Ukulad flies to The South today and was transferring items from a backpack into a paper-grocery sack; I briefly thought the paper-bag was his carry-on, which is something Shirley Q. Liquor would do, use a grocery sack as a carry-on.

UkuAdventures in LA: Wontons, Mimes & Temps!

2011-08-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
This one goes to Eleven:

1. Beekeeper or Bookkeeper?
2. Ton Ton Wontons
3. Porn on the Cob/Porn Corn: Summer Craft Services for Adult Film shoots
4. Jamochians from Jamocha
5. Rockola: Cough-drops for Rockers
6. Quafka: A Thirsty Writer
7: Coifka: A Hairdresser
8. It's my Time to be a Prime Time Mime!
9. It's not a crime to be a Prime Time Mime!
10. Stop on a Dime! It's a Prime Time Mime!
11. The Temps of Tempe, Arizona

Love The Ukulady
ps: The Whole Foods Parking Lot truly is Hell on Earth.

UkuAdventures in LA: The Crop Circle of Car Stories!

2011-08-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
This weekend brought the Crop Circle of Car Stories! Due to a morning band photo-shoot, The Ukulad and I, dressed in our matching chicken 'n' egg outfits at 10:30am on Sunday, were outside, when the Lad noticed some schmuck had parked in the driveway belonging to our house; then he realized the car was his!

In the middle of the night his car, in park and with the parking brake on, had been pushed roughly 10 feet forward. No locks had been tampered with, the back bumper was undamaged and there were skid marks 10 feet, indicating the wheels had been pushed. It was the weirdest thing. Either a fleet of linebackers were playing a prank, a huge truck pushed the car in hopes the driveway-owners would tow it, or a mythical giant pushed it for fun.

We are mystified, disturbed & concerned. But not too much; we are mostly thrilled around here, beautifying our yard, planting basil, arugula & weeding constantly-overgrowing morning-glories.

In other news, I love Home Depot because it is so full of Potential: Make a New kitchen! Plant a pretty garden! Build a house! Home Depot shoppers appear so empowered and confident, comparing drills & purchasing do-it-yourself items.

Sunday is totally Couples-Day at Home Depot but every other day is a great day for single ladies to meet men. Forget bars! Home Depot or Guitar Center are the best places to meet fellows. Home Depot is better than Guitar Center, which is full of pale, slacker musicians, where as Home Depot men are go-getters and will fix things around your future house. I'm going to suggest it to my single friends.

Love The Ukulady

ps: If any readers have theories about the Crop-Circle Car story, please share!

pps: The matching Chicken ''n Egg outfits were found at a Salvation Army in Roswell, New Mexico, over 10 years ago. I held on to the outfit, waiting to find a manpanion to fit the shirt. Ukulad fits the shirt and wears it!

ppps: It's so pioneerishly-satisfying to spend the weekend gardening, home-beautifying & cooking handmade cornmeal-crust pizza with handmade sauce from garden-picked tomatoes 'n' basil. Pizza dough is not difficult to make and kneading dough is a pleasing mini-fitness workout.

pppps: The time has come in America, for Home Ec. to return; kids need to learn healthy cooking. This opinion comes after another marathon computer-tv session of watching Heavy, which is riveting & rewarding television. My initial dislike of Beverly Perfect, the health-trainer, is gone and now I wish I could go to South Carolina and work out with Beverly Perfect.

pppps: Read about my UkuAdventures in Echo Park here!

UkuAdventures in LA: Video Gaming Reel of The Ukulady

2011-08-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
The pioneers made johnny cake, pickles and log cabins; I made this yesterday:

Work-Seeking these days!
Love The Ukulady
ps: Along with audio Voiceover Reels, The Ukulady is now offering Video Voiceover Reels for Voiceover Actors! Emeep to get started!

UkuAdventures in LA: Brain-Chips, Pioneers & Singing Telegrams!

2011-08-12T08:05:00.000-07:00

PHOTO: Ukulad-Made Stool & Bookcase!

Dear Blob,
From Egpyt to sociological-weight-loss TV-shows to Pioneers, I require a constant infusion of intellectual stimulation. Like humans snack on chips between meals, my brain snacks on books between working. This week's Chips-For-The-Brain has been Pioneer women literature, purchased in last weekend's comically-large used booksale. Riveting! While Pioneer Women made Pioneer Men feel well-fed, sexually-satisfied & homey, Pioneer Women make me feel:

1. so physically wimpy.
2. so much better about life-hardships.

These women wrote journals about baking dozens of bread-loafs, washing clothing in water they lugged from the spring & heated themselves, killing a couple prairie chickens, plucking & preparing & then giving birth, all in the same day! And finding time to write in their Blog!

If I have to drive across town in traffic, have multiple friend-like-schmooze-meetings, go to Trader Joe's and jog all in the same day, I am exhausted. Add a yoga class to the mix and I collapse, porcine-like, on a couch that neither I nor the Ukulad made from scratch (although I am currently writing this blob perched upon a cute-stool The Ukulad made from scratch!).

It's odd to realize that the majority of potato-Americans leading sedentary lives, sprung forth from ridiculously physically-fit ancestors only a few generations ago,. If they learned the rules and trained for maybe a week, Pioneer Women could easily beat professional lady wrestlers.

I would love to see Jill Michaels go up against Elinore Stewart, a Wyoming homesteader who not only raised cellarfuls of root vegetables but also herded cattle, performed weddings 'n' funerals, thought nothing of taking her young daughter camping in the snow, cooked for dozens with food she grew, birthed kids, midwifed and wrote a bookful of eloquent letters to her Denver friends, describing her life. She had no Korea Spa to rejuvinate in.

In other news, The Ukulad honored the life of the dead lead singer from Warrant this morning by playing '80's hair-metal-band music. I am partial to the power-ballads.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I, like the rest of America, spend most of my energy on making money or scheming to make money, which buys me food, a home & other life-necessities. The Pioneers spent their energy on creating what they needed themselves. It would be ideal if our civilization found a balance of the two: self-sufficiency mixed with money-making self-sufficiency.

It seems my generation, formerly the Gen-Xers, now the 30's/40's peeps, are striving towards that goal. Many peers have food gardens & chickens; however is this trend only happening in the urban centers, where books like The Omnivore's Dilemma, circulate like "Hot Models Needed to Circulate at Hollywood Events"? That's a posting from a typical LA craigslist job listing.

pps: The Ukulady now offers Singing Telegrams! If you are not in the greater-SoCal, USA area, The Ukulady offers Telephone Singing Telegrams! Tell that Special Meep You Are Special! Ukulady style! Contact meep to get started!

UkuAdventures in LA: Oprah is Right: Spa-Magic-Fever!

2011-08-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
There are many reasons to love Los Angeles from the kitschy wonder of Clifton's Cafeteria to Elysian Park's hidden-gem Stairwalks and most amazingly, the Korean Spa. With the largest population of Koreans outside of Korea, LA offers millions of Korean Meatery-Eateries, bubble-tea drinkeries and a handful of comedically-affordable Spas, resembling what I imagine the Roman baths were like.

My BFF of 30 years is a harried mother of 2 kids under 6, who has been living at her in-law's Orange County house for a year, reluctantly transitioning from fabulous Austin to a fiscally-neccessary-job-market-for-hubby in the beautiful OC.

If you haven't been to the OC, imagine a miles and miles of strip-malls attached to strip malls with planned mcmansion developments between the Ruby Tuesdays, Chili's and Chucky Cheeses. Oprah knows: when a mother is in desperate need of a break-from-reality, her supporters better move fast; get that lady in a vat of hot water.

I took her to the Olympic Spa, where for $15 women only go from 3 different hot'n'cold tubs to 3 different saunas & 1 giant restery which includes a heated-marble-floored stage with fake-wood square pillows. The Korean spa is a festival of lady-nudity and is the perfect LA location to return to body-reality & feel good about one's body.

LA is ridiculously fat-free, with a giant population of super-tall, pouch-free women of European ancestry, exactly who the worldwide media celebrates as the ideal of feminine-beauty. It's easy to feel fat in LA surrounded by millions of these genetically-perfect-by-media-standards women. The Korean spa is full of different races which means different genetic body-types and we all are so relaxed from the extreme temperature-waters & saunas, it's impossible to feel self-conscious. It's the Verge-of-Drooling-Relaxation.

The Koreans have the right idea, incorporating soaking in spa-waters regularly. I particularly appreciate the affordability of their spas. There are many chic European-style spas that only the Wealthy can afford to relax; I understand it's exhausting managing a fortune and keeping up appearances but it's also exhausting blogging about the wealthy's exhaustion and the Korean spa offers rejuvenation for everyone. Even a homeless person could raise enough street-corner-coinage to refresh at the Korean spa and still buy a forty.

Everyone should get over their nude-in-front-of-other-people issues and go to the Korean spa.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Heavy, my tv-computer show, upsettingly, changed their format at episode 6 and switched health-centers, leaving behind my trainer-friends, David and Britny for a condescending trainer named Beverly Perfect. I'm not pleased.

pps: I love that the Korean Spa gives Fruit it's own category.

pps: For extra-money you can get a rigorous skin-sloughing and other services at the Korean spa. See this blob from the past to learn about The Ukulady's skin-sloughing experience...

UkuAdventures in LA: Imagine if Gandhi ran ABC/Disney...

2011-08-10T08:08:00.001-07:00

PHOTOS: New Zoo Review, X the Owl, Woodsy the Owl!

Dear Blob,
My Egyptology obsession has passed and now I'm obsessed with A&E's show Heavy. I made the Lad watch 3 episodes last night, a computer-tv record for me, as I usually fall asleep after thirty minutes. I love shows about people overcoming physical & mental challenges, particularly weight-loss shows. It gives me hope for humanity.

I love the positivity and inspiration of weight-loss reality-shows, lacking in most reality shows which glorify backstabbing, betrayal & overall sleazy-douchebaggery. I occasionally enjoy gawking-oddity reality shows about conjoined twins or 19 chilun', but can't watch more than one episode. I was intrigued by The 19 chilun' religious-nut show and Toddler's & Tiaras, but both made me angry & repulsed. A recent viewing of a conjoined twin documentary left me feeling overwhelmingly thankful that I don't have a conjoined twin and gave me nightmares.

A&E's Heavy is riveting and this morning I googled the cast members, informing The Lad that I am thinking of Liking some of my favorites, like Rickywayne, on Facebook.... I Facebook-Like Ruby, a former 700 pound, deeply charismatic & hilarious reality-show star, keeping up-to-date on her lifelong weight-loss journey.

Media is humanity's most powerful tool. When Jessaly was in Mexico, we decided Mexico desperately needs an anti-littering media campaign, featuring an enigmatic, lovable mascot. I grew up with Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute, vaguely recalled by The Lad, although he didn't remember Woodsy the Owl, who pops into my mind upon hearing the slogan, which conjures vague recollections of a ballerina Hippopotamus and turtle-necked Frog, who were actually part of the New Zoo Review. My childhood television-watching-memories are a hazy blend of happy, googly-eyed creature-friends singing and dancing... A lot of Owls; Mister Roger's featured an Owl friend as well.

Humans love to feel better about themselves by watching trainwrecks on television and there is certainly a time & place for garbage TV, but it's upsetting & disappointing that the majority of television offerings are an enormous waste of resources. American Movies are worse, wasting ridiculous amounts of money, time & human-energy on utter-crap and worse, brainwashing millions of impressionable teens, shamelessly encouraging them to, not only indulge in, but celebrate materialism, greed & narcissism.

I am in LA to work in Media for the Non-Dark-Side. TV is an incredible tool for the Downfall of Evil. It's time to shift Control of the Media. Imagine if Do-Gooders like Gandhi, MLK & Mother Theresa, (or undead ones) were in control of ABC/Disney! If Donald Trump's media presence was replaced by Thich Nhat Hanh! That's my version of John Lennon's Imagine.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I am pleased that blob-writing made me realize I don't just enjoy shows about losing weight because I'm concern-obsessed with obesity.

pps: I like to exercise along with the Heavy Contestants, even at midnight.

UkuAdventures in LA: Velveeta, White Bread & Snickers!

2011-08-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Cheeses & Wine! Miss Carrot & Green Bug on The Ukulady!

Dear Blob,
Velveeta is the Doughnut of Cheeses. My co-Mexican-adventurer, Miss Jessica Grant, true to her Alabama roots, brought over Velveeta cheese dip and as my new book, Cheeses of the World & Cheese Cookery, encourages, I enjoyed a glass of wine with cheese. Velveeta and Malbec probably wasn't what 1967's International Cheese Enthusiasts had in mind, nor my inner-snobby voice or innards, however, the Velveeta was disgustingly delicious and like crack, totally addictive.

I felt Catholicishly-guilty nibbling Velveeta! It is sinful. I could never purchase it at the store; I would feel like a teen buying condoms. To some, raising opium poppies for medicinal tea is sinful; to others, eating Velveeta is worthy of confession.

In retrospect, Velvetina Evilwich, like Sandwich, but Evil, is probably named after Velveeta. Much of my childhood was spent hankering for sugar cereal, bologna & white bread.

White Bread was rarely part of my childhood. My parents sent me to hippie-artsy school with avocado sandwiches on wheat-berry bread. Once, before a school-potluck, I begged my mom to bring White Bread hamburger buns, but was insistent she not get the Kilpatrick-brand White Bread, thinking it was made out of dead, white rabbits.

Many years later, I discovered that my older sister had owned a white rabbit named Patrick who had been killed by raccoons. My 6-year-old brain figured Kilpatrick-brand White Bread must be made out of Patrick the dead white rabbit.

In other news, The Ukulad tells me I am not short, but like tiny Snickers, Fun-Sized.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Velveeta is not in Cheeses of the World & Cheese Cookery.

UkuAdventures in LA: The Bong District, Burning Man of Book Sales & Highland Park!

2011-08-08T10:14:00.003-07:00

PHOTOS: Mista Cookie Jar & Ukulad, Orange-Themed Meal, Meepcake!

Dear Blob,
UkuAdventures in LA Driving:

With 15 million people in LA and the environs, bad drivers are as much a fact of stereotypical LA living as smog, the Hollywood sign and red carpet.

Instinctually, when a bad driver executes some ridiculous automotive move, Lad & I ask, "What Are You Thinking?!"

Ukulad's answers to what Angelenos are thinking while they drive:

1. Hmmm... Should I take the 3 year old to yoga or pilates?
2. Hmmmm... Should I carry the dog or put him in the basket?
3. Hmmmm.... Sushi or Korean Tacos... protein shake?

In other driving-news, I mistakenly honked at a slow-moving mini-van in front of me the other day. I was Mentally urging the fatty mini-van, the blobby, slothy, Sea-Cow of the road, to pick up the pace, when I accidentally leaned on the horn, like a schmucky LA driver, impatient to get 10 feet further, faster.

The mini-van, probably cursing at my horn-honking-douchebaggyness, got in another lane and let me pass. We were at a stoplight and now side-by-side. I was so embarrassed to be one of the horrible drivers of LA, I turned on a side-street, taking a different way home, which, of course, took longer. Instant-driver-karma.

Meanwhile, Ukulad and I had a ukubusy weekend, with adventures in Little Tokyo, Highland Park & an Orange-themed potluck.

Saturday's Little Tokyo adventure included a fabulous Mista-Cookie Jar music show with the Lad playing banjo & mandolin. It was the first gig I've actually watched the Lad play, as he usually plays with me; I was a puffed-up-proud mother-duck, taking photos & being an audience person, a pleasantly relaxing change.

In LA, when one is in a neighborhood far from one's home-hood, it's handy to combine adventure-task-errand-events. Like all cities, LA is full of Pockets; visitors sometimes think LA has no neighborhoods or character, which is ridiculous. LA is dozens of mini-villages, attached by car-byways, rather than subways, which make cities feel more connected, with all the citizens packed into 1 subway car.

LA's disconnectedness comes from our individual car-time; we are not face-to-face with our fellow Angelenos, but far-enough away to say mean things to each other like, "What a Meeping Meep! Learn how to drive, you Meeep!" This kind of dialogue rarely happens on subways. Angelenos utilize the ingrained-politeness & fellow-citizenship-connection less than other city-dwellers because we do not travel together.

However, once one arrives in a neighborhood, polite-fellow-citizenship abounds. After the music shows, The Lad and I walked through the Toy District, stumbling upon the wholesale Bong-district, a street of a dozen shops packed with crates of hundreds of bongs, to historic Spring Street, with it's ornate highrises from the 1930's questing for a purported booksale, which we found in a hot parking lot.

It was the Burning Man of Book Sales: total over-stimulation, with thousands of books on dozens of tables in no particular order, 1 book for $1 or a box for $15. We ended up with packed-box including ridiculous titles like Cheeses of the World & Cheese Cookery (mine), The Encyclopedia of Woodcarving Techniques (Lad) and Christmas in Catland & Fantastic Boats! (gifts for a cat 'n' boat-loving pals). We then carried the box of books 10 blocks. I felt like a New Yorker, walking in the shadows of actual city-buildings, schlepping cheap-used-treasures, until we got in our car and drove 10 miles home to Mar Vista, cursing at the bad drivers.

Sunday's UkuAdventures led us to Highland Park for a brief Ukulad-centric-work meeting, which I combined with a Quest for Handmade Tortillas. Highland Park, a historic,neighborhood of gorgeous 'n' run-down craftsmans, is where the artists are moving since being priced out of Echo Park. It's Mexico/Latin America in LA. We found incredible homemade corn & flour tortillas at the Super A, not to be confused with El Super, down the street.

The handmade tortillas were a hit at the evening's Orange-Themed potluck, complete with Ukulady-made enchiladas in 3 variations: vegetarian, onion/pepper-free & grain-free. Other orange-themed offerings included velveeta-cheese-dip, mango salsa & a Meepcake!

Love The Ukulady

ps: In the car, Lad & I played Boring Reality Shows: Admin Assistants! Paralegals! No offense to my paralegal & admin-assistant readerpals.

UkuAdventures in LA: Beach Picnic & The Nuclear Meltdown of LA

2011-08-06T09:31:00.001-07:00

PHOTOS: My Mom, SF Bellydancer, circa 1962, Ukulad!

Dear Blob,
Being a Date-Night Enthusiast and the seeming-literary-romanticness of night-beach-picnicking, The Ukulad and I ventured through the summer-hordes of sexy-outfit-clad Friday-Night-Beach-bar humans to our neighborhood beach, Venice Beach. We were hoping to catch sunset, but unlike Mexico's 8:30-9pm Sunset, LA sun goes down by 8pm.

We nibbled on a C-themed dinner, chicken, chips, carrots & cookies, discussing the virtues of panko and watching the insane twighlight-surfers and then it got cold. An evening beach-picnic is a much more theoretically-pleasing Date-Night than real life, which is cold, seagully & requires constant sand-in-snack vigilance.

We saw the LAPD in action, driving up the pier, through the freezing-tank-topped-tourists, to arrest a be-hoodied figure. The cops are out in droves in Venice, on bike, in car, on foot and helicopter, as well as beach-driving lifeguards in SUV's; The Urban Beach.

Venice Beach is a fabulous seashellery, with tons of interesting treasures washing up in the mornings and later evenings, with the tides. It's a great swimming beach when the toxin-levels are low, but always shower off the potential toxic-waste afterward.

My mom, who grew up in LA in the 1940's and 50's, remembers riding the Red Cars as a child, down to the beach with her little brother. Kids could take the trolley cars alone, play and swim all day safely; a sense of community-safety with everyone watching out for the children, abounded.

In the '50's my mom's family moved from Mar Vista to Grenada Hills, in the San Fernando Valley. She went to high school with Richie Valens of La Bamba fame, roller-skating with him and Donna. In 1959 there was a Nuclear Meltdown larger than Three Mile Island at Rocketdyne in Simi Valley/Northridge. It was never reported, never spoken of and has never been cleaned up.

My mom suffers from chronic, odd illnesses and when I tell Angelenos, particularly Valley-Dwellers, about the Nuclear Meltdown, they rarely are interested. Who wants to know they are living on a toxic-waste dump? The past 10 years has been a time of Truth-Uncovering and my aunt is a cleanup-activist. The activists pour endless energy, time and their limited money into fighting The Giant Evil Corporation, who just overthrew a court-ordered cleanup.

I hold a consta-invisible balance-scale of Lala Living; one side of the scale holds a deep love of LA's history, culture & industry, the other side is a deep aversion to the enormous cons of nuclear waste, vapid-humanity & overall-difficulty-of-simple-chores, like going to the bank.

In other news, today is a Cultural-History-Fun-Outing day to Little Tokyo where the Ukulad is playing a music show with Mista Cookie Jar! Good times to come!

Love The Ukulady

ps: Apparently Fava Beans cleanse soil of toxins. Everyone in the Valley should plant Fava Beans.

pps: Lad is holding Mini-Oreos because they were on-sale, not because we are frequent-Oreo cookie eaters; in fact, it was my first time eating a Mini-Oreo! Very dangerous.

UkuAdventures in LA: King Tut, City-Wide Healing Circles and Lobster

2011-08-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

PHOTO: Astrid Strudelman, The Unicorn Whisperer

Dear Blob,
I've become newly obsessed with Egyptology. Last Sunday, I found an intriguing-looking book in a Free Box; Ukulad calls it a Pee Box. The books were slightly dew-damp, mostly discarded plays of a disillusioned former-actor and 1 book on my new friend, King Tut.

Reading Rules! It's so exciting to learn why, how, where, when, what, particularly about iconic topics. I had no idea Tut's assumed pharaoh-father was a religious visionary, parting from thousands of years of Egyptian polytheism to start his own monotheistic sun-worshipping religion. He built his own royal city and shirked all usual pharaoh-duties, like sacking Libya, Nubia and Turkey, letting Egypt fall into disarray.

When Tut's pop died, the court-officials swept Tut and his half-sister, now wife, (eww!) back to the traditional royal city of Thebes, where poor Tut was a puppet of a scheming old dude named Aye, who possibly murdered Tut, married his young wife and became the Pharaoh. Riveting! Drama! It's just like Dallas & Falcon Crest! Humans haven't changed in thousands of years; we are still power-hungry, greedy narcissists. Donald Trump 'n' Paris Hilton would fit in perfectly at Egyptian court.

In other news shifting cultures is challenging on the body. Returning from 5 weeks in Mexico has been draining my energy in a quiet way. Landing in Mexico was dramatic, as everything in Mexican culture is, with extreme dehydration and heat-lethargy saying, "Yo Meep! Rest all day, Meep all night!"

I didn't expect physical-challenges in returning to my busy-bee LA life, but on the contrary there is a quiet, but persistent drain of energy as my senses recalibrate to being surrounded by millions of people, cars, sounds & the ever-present freelancer-make-money pressure-party. Everyone in LA needs to go to some sort of giant healing-energy circle where we all hold hands and look each other in the eyeball and learn to communicate non-passive-aggressively.

Today's "Odd" News, I call it ridic: Tibetan Buddhist Monks purchased 600 delicious New England lobsters and setting them free (the news article doesn't call the lobsters delicious). What a waste of time, money and energy, particularly when there are famine reports on the front page and starving children right in the Boston area who probably would benefit from a delicious 'n' decadent lobster dinner. I'm totally into Buddhist monks, but this story makes them look like schmucks.

Love The Ukulady

ps: The Tibetan anti-lobster-dinner monks should come to LA and conduct the City-Wide Friendship-Healing-Circles.

pps: There will be no traffic that day!

UkuAdventures in LA: Cuddle Therapy, Soba Noodles & Pioneers!

2011-08-03T20:36:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
Since detoxing in Mexico from the American Media, particularly The News, I find myself much more relaxed and less angry. I'm a Naturally Happy person, often startled to realize I've been whistling unconsciously in line at Trader Joes or giggling in yoga class during Hanuman, also known as The Spilts. However, nothing makes me not whistle like Hypocrisy in Religion and Politics.

It's certainly important to be aware of what our government is spending the non-rich's money on, but at this juncture it's pointless to listen to NPR's political updates. Washington politics is like Junior High; Politicians are the puppets of the Corporations, like JV Cheerleaders are Varsity's puppets; the American public is the helpless student body and I'm in the nerdy theater-debate AV club. I'm over it.

The only good thing about the News are tidbit gems like this one: Cuddle Therapy for Gay Men by "Formerly-Gay" Men. Ha - Gay men being cuddled to Straight by Closeted-Gay Men. It costs a shocking $650! As the article says, toddle on down to your nearest bathhouse, in the UkuHousehold, that's 1/2 block away at Roman Holiday, and enjoy Cuddle Therapy for much cheaper.

I yearn for a world where people mind their own business and celebrate fellow humans for just being alive and surviving the constant challenges of life. Humans today are so concerned with celebrity cooters, how much sex and what kind of sex other people are having; if half of that energy went towards saying Hi on the street or growing a kitchen-garden everyone would feel a lot better. It would affect the pharmaceutical companies and the religious empires, as their coffers would no doubt, dwindle, as human's natural joy increased. It seems like a no-brainer. It's obvious, yet humans can't seem to do it. No wonder Aliens have no interest in our planet. We are boringly unevolved.

In other news, I cooked a tasty Soba noodle dish tonight with Ahi tuna and Kale! I felt very mature and artisan. The Ukulad has a condition which disallows him to eat garlic, onion, tomato & peppers. It used to be challenging to cook onion/garlic-free, but his meepy adorability is worth giving up chocolate for. Shocking, but true. The Pioneers didn't even have chocolate! Or the Ukulad! (He has Chocolate, but the Pioneers didn't have him). This evening's Soba dish wore a moisture-outfit of lemon 'n' lime juice, accessible from our yard-trees, soy sauce, fresh ginger, sesame oil & the secret magic ingredient, sugar. It was delicious!

Love The Ukulady

ps: I will be bi-weekly blogging about the LA Neighborhoods of Echo Park 'n' Silverlake, focusing on snacks, stairwalks 'n' succulents. Tune in here!

pps: I am totally a celebrity-cooter-news-reader. Everytime I go to the drugstore I head right for trashy magazineland. It's important to know if Lindsey Lohan has been arrested this week or if Brittney is knocked up again yet.

ppps: In audition-waiting-rooms, though, I like to smugly pull out a Harpers or New Yorker.

UkuAdventures in LA: My Gay BFF's!

2011-08-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
One of the best parts of LA is getting to hang out with my fleet of Gay Men. I'm unsure why I am naturally BFF with virtually every gay man I meet, but generally, I have an insta-connection and am ready to invite every one over for artisan nibblies after 5 minutes. I'm also partial to my gay ladies, BFFing it up within mere moments.

I was confused as to the Bible's vehement dislike of my peeps and an interesting theory from The Ukulad, raised Southern Baptist, brings insight. Generally, all gay men I meet are The Best! They have the best taste, throw the best parties, are the most loyal and wonderful friends; a joy to be around, ready to put on a show, dress-up, socialize, be fabulous but not in a drag-queeny way, in a Enjoy-The-Finest-In-Life way.

I couldn't figure out why the Bible, ridiculously edited hundreds of times, would have such hatred towards the most wonderful race (if it's genetic, which I firmly believe it is, it's a race) of people. They just want to party!

The Ukulad's Theory: The Bible was written in times of consta-warring humans, looting, plundering, murdering, raping everyone indiscriminately. Humans haven't changed too much, we still love to go to war, but hopefully the indiscriminate raping has chilled out.

The Lad thinks the Bible isn't talking about my fabulous friends who can re-organize your furniture and make your house look roomier, lighter & more beautiful in 10 minutes; but the war-mongering rapists who set villages on fire and meeped men, women, animals, anything. The Bible's hypocritical hatred for Gays is meant for the rapists, not the Sassy Gay Friend that everyone needs.

It's human's Hypocrisy that gets me down. I prefer Love to Fear.

Love The Ukulady
ps: I wore a coat and drove 70mph on the freeway yesterday! I am Not in Mexico!

UkuAdventures in LA: Green Beetles, Sleepwalking & Avocados!

2011-08-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
I am a lifelong sleepwalker. Memorable sleepwalking moments relayed to me by the Awake include urgently asking, "What are we doing, eating cookies?!" and getting dressed for work at 3am. I sleep fitfully and sleepwalk when in a new location; last night I slept-walk-awoke several times, thinking our Marshmallow Studiohouse was in Mexico, a confusing Wizard-of-Oz-like concept.

I used to live in Gloria Swanson's mansion in Angelino Heights, a historic LA neighborhood of Victorians & Craftsmans. Mansion life was subsidized by my fab roommate with a real job and my now-gone-7-year regular VO job as a gibberish-speaking-expert. The crashing economy and the Joy of Change led The Ukulad and I to our current UkuHome, which we call The Marshmallow, as it's like living inside an Artisan Square Marshmallow. It's like a Weeble House. My reverse-culture-shock is limited to sleep-talking, wondering if we are in Mexico and minor jet-lag, awaking at 6am and passing out at 9pm, regardless of David Cross's hilarity on computerTV.

Why are Artisan Marshmallows always square?

In other news, the Irridescent Green Beetles of LA are in season, whizzing around like cartoon bugs and reminding Angelinos that LA is actually on Planet Earth and Nature is Here; not just man-made nature, but nature Nature.

The Ukulad and I have inherited a food-garden from our awesome landlords/friendsies, who left LA to be Geniuses at MIT. It's exciting to make dinner from snacks plucked from the yard. The Avocado Tree is a couple weeks away from Guacamole-Every-Day, it's branches laden with hundreds of valuable fruitlets. If we were ancient-old-fashioned merchants, we would be rich! I'm curious if I can sell them on the corner.... Will people stop to buy from a white-ish lady? Will I get a ticket? Will I become rich in money, not just avocados? Is it worth hanging out alongside traffic? Will I get sick of Guacomole? These are the important questions!

Love The Ukulady

ps: I've emailed the Mexican Bug Repellent company, YA! questing for their awesome, all-natural-pleasnt-smelling bug-repellent-wipes in America... No return emeep yet, but stay tuned!

pps: Mexico-Nostalgia has set in...

UkuThanks from The Ukulady & The Unicorndog!

2011-08-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

Thank You for Being a UkuFriendsie! To Commission Your Very Own Personal Jingle or a Custom Singing Telegram, Click Here!

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Too Hot for Knee Socks!

2011-08-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

Thank You Mexico & Friendsies! This song will be on my upcoming Heart-on-a-Sleeve Album, U!

UkuAdventures in LA: Jean-Slimming, The Eco-Beautiful & Baby Nirvana!

2011-08-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
As a visit to the American South or Midwest is psychologically slimming, so is a pants-free-swimsuit-heavy journey, quietly shifting one's body perception to a mix of acceptance, realization that every woman, except most in LA, have cellulite/tummy-pouches and just not giving a meep anymore.

Yesterday I dressed in jeans for the first time in 5 weeks and my primary triumphant thought was: "My churro 'n' taco diet made me lose weight!" Then The Ukulady dashed my slimjoy to the Rocks of Comedy-Reality and told me he had stretched all my jeans in my absence to make me feel great upon my return. Then I realized I am not actually trimmer, I just haven't worn jeans in a long time and it's shocking-good news that are not snug after the all-churro diet.

I am very tan and the tan-narcissist who lives within my head asked The Ukulad to comment on it continuously for the next few weeks:

UKULADY: Lad, I want you to admiringly, tell me how tan I am throughout the day.

UKULAD: I'm not going to do that. If you want to hear it, I'll say it once and you can record it and play it whenever you want. I charge non-union voiceover rates.

What an awesome invention: The Virtual Audio-Gal or Manpanion! The size of a tiny pen/mp3 recorder, it comes with a bevy of complimentary phrases like, "You look adorable today!" or "Wow, you're popular!" or "I know you're going to Get That Job/Book That Series-Regular/Get Published in Harpers/New Yorker/Paris Review!"

In other news, Ukulad and I went to the Mar Vista Farmer's Market yesterday and it was a bit irritating to be thrust back into the culture of Eco-Beautiful people. The Eco-Beautiful are mixed with the Plastic-Surgery Enthusiasts, primarily older ladies with the always-repulsive Trout-Lips. I love the opportunity and potential LA provides, but navigating the stunningly-attractive narcissists, clueless & power-hungry is ridiculous. It's kind of like living in on Planet Unicorn.

LA's Eco-Beautiful are so obsessed with their pets that the Farmer's Market has a dog-sitting service. It's ludicrous to take one's dog to the Farmer's Market, to pay someone else to watch it, while one shops for overpriced, organic, hybrid fruit. The treat-your-dog-like-a-baby phenomenon thrives like herpes here in Lalaland as most folks, like me, are shocking-to-the-Mexicans, childless until late 30's/early 40's, ambitiously toiling in the industry-bowels towards our childhood dreams.

A perfect segway to the Children of the Farmer's Market Eco-Beautiful; the American-Child Tantrum was in full display at yesterday's market. There's an Eco-Beautiful-Parenting trend of Reasoning-with-Children:

EXAMPLE:
(Child Flipping out)
MOM: (softly, soothing) Brooklyn, is that behavior a good choice?
(Brooklyn screams louder)
MOM: Brooklyn, I can't understand you when you scream; choose your words. Consider another option.
(Brooklyn flings herself on the Farmer's Market ground and screams louder. Mom, cellulite-free, clad in pricey yoga-ensemble, sighs and shrugs towards her identical mom-friend)
MOM: I think she's allergic to soy.

The kids behavior is usually blamed on food allergies, light autism or ADD. I am adverse to Reasoning-with-Kids. They are instinctual beings with no control over their emotions; I know adults who don't understand what "Consider another option" even means. I saw a Mexican mom in Melaque do the old-fashioned ear-grip 'n' drag of a screaming child. It worked remarkably well and the kid shut up. Stick to the classics, Parents.

In other news, The Ukulad is adverse to eating BBQ in LA. There's a trend of Industry-Burnouts turning to artisan food-production, with delightful and overpriced snack-trucks & treateries everywhere, keeping the over-abundant pilates/yoga studios in business.

UKULAD: I don't want to eat fancy BBQ. I want my BBQ served to me in a cheap-paper-paddle-boat by a toothless person.

It's kind of like me and my snobbery about bagels & lox.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Baby-stores in LA are selling Baby Nirvana Onesies. Ridiculous.

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Airport, Customs & Kissercise!

2011-07-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Mexican Heart Plant, Sponch Truck, Cucumbers & Popcorn!

Dear Blob,
The Free Thrill of LA's now-seeming Cool Breeze is incredible! Yesterday I wore a sweatshirt, zipped through US customs with no searches or issues and invented Kissercise. Kissercise is an ab-workout mixed with smooching (the workout-ee does ab.crunches to meet the pucker of the Kissercise partner).

Thessica's journey was shockingly quick and easy, like a fast-teen getting his first bootycall, but unlike the teen's virginity-loss, it was the Best Airport Experience I've ever had, even though every traveler's bags are hand-searched, another similarity to the teens. HB Larry drove us to the airport and we said Adios, Mexico!

Interestingly, Manzanillo's airport has no checked-luggage x-ray machines, but each bag is human-checked by overly-serious workers, amusingly, keeping absolute professionalism and straight faces as they unpack and re-pack satchels of plastic blow-up toys, liquor & swimsuits. Thessica wondered what the most interesting things they'd found are; I said dead bodies; Jessica thought fetish gear.

I was mildly concerned about the few prescription meds I was traveling with. US law says the traveler needs a prescription from a US doctor, which is ridiculous, considering many travelers live in Mexico and have Mexican doctors. I purchased a blood-pressure med for Ukulad's mom; she pays $80 a month; I paid $1.50, which brought about seething disgust and anger at America's broken healthcare system. Jessaly had no problems with our various meds mingling with googly-eyed puppets and 25 pounds of Mexican floral 'n' fruited vinyl; US customs merely asked me why I was in Mexico and if I had fun.

The weekly Manzanillo-LAX flight erupted into applause upon our landing, not because we had a rough flight, but I assume because folks were so happy to be in LA. It was interesting emerging into the International Terminal, being surrounded by It's a Small World in real life. I realized the melting potness of America, which is the culture of urban America, is the cause It's-Challenging-Understanding-Humans, a nice way to say Racism.

In Mexico, surrounded by mostly all Mexicans, I began to grasp an understanding of Mexicans and their culture and vaguely know what to expect; Mexican Time is real and everyone-but-our-fumigator is on it, Mexican Drivers are extraordinarily bad, either driving ridiculously slow or frighteningly fast, Family is Numero Uno and if you are in a relationship with a Mexican, you are in a relationship with 25 other people as well (Meep! to HB Larry!).

In urban America, particularly LA, every culture in the world is here and humans feel frightened and resentful of those we don't understand, leading to deep xenophobia, racism and isolation of and from one's neighbors. When I say Hi to peeps on the LA streets, they are shocked and rarely say Hi in return. The community of the Barra de Navidad's Barrio will be missed.

It's understandable to want to party with Peeps-You-Understand, but too often in American cities, fear drives human's car-bodies and leads to sense of non-community and non-unity, the biggest problems of LA.

In other news, it's always fab to Return Home!

Love The Ukulady

ps: LAX's International Terminal hosts a medley of Fashion No's, including White-Jeans-With-No-Panties, Daisy Duke jean-shorts with stupid-knitted-cap over perfectly-coiffed model-hair 'n' fur boots & fat-pouch-pants.

pps: Nice to brush my teeth with water from the tap! Nice to not worry about never-before-seen creatures noodling in my space! Nice to not be consta-hot! Meepmazing to wear long sleeves!

ppps: I was confused what to wear last night; I was compelled to wear my swimsuit as I haven't worn much else all week, but it was Cold! Free Thrills!

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Shrimp-Finger & Giant Cockroach Death-Party!

2011-07-30T07:10:00.001-07:00

PHOTOS: Gay Cihuatlan, Buster & Meep, Skwinkles Pocket, Super Mario Bros, Blue Fish!

Dear Blob,
The thing about the tropics is the weird, unexpected things continue to happen after one's seeming-quota-of-weirdness has been filled.

Yesterday I embarked on a shrimp-cleaning activity of shrimp I'd purchased from a Shrimp-Truck. It's nice to have fresh groceries delivered to your door throughout the day. Any cook's wondering of "Hmmm, what to have for dinner tonight?" is answered by whoever comes by: papayas, shrimp, tortillas, flan...

The shrimp needed a full-service cleaning, heads, eyeballs, shells, legs & de-veining. I began the task, intrigued by Work vs. Payoff. 2 shrimp in, I abandoned the high-maintenance sea-snack in favor of easy fish. Then the weirdness; my pointer-finger swelled up like a sausage-pouch and felt reminiscent of a bee-sting.

I've never been allergic to shrimp, although my toxin-sensitive body often decides to become allergic to things all-of-the-sudden; such as when I was enjoying a Fuji apple, driving the LA freeway, when my throat closed up and since then, I've been sadly allergic to all uncooked apples. I attribute many adult-onset allergies to the toxic-waste dumping grounds of LA living.

Shrimp-Finger lasted over 10 hours and this morning, while the swelling has gone down, is still sore. I blame Shrimp Brains, as I've cleaned shrimp before, but not the heads. Shrimp Brain is a good name for a punk-band.

Jessica likened our adventures to a Survivor-like Reality Show, where we have to stay on to get the sack of cash; both of us on the verge of leaving the day before you get the payoff. Her manpanion reminded us there is no sack of cash at the end; simply a lot of good stories, a vast amount of newly-absorbed knowledge and a new body of musical work.

A week past Ready-to-Go, Thessica is joyously flying home today; excited about returning to our respective manpanions, capitalism and our mutual quest for career success. The Ukulady invited you to stay tuned for the continuing UkuAdventures.... In particular, don't miss the upcoming Video for Mexico Enthusiasts! Coming in the next day or so....

Our final days we enjoyed churros many times, caught a few sunsets, ate a final handmade tortilla at Taqueria Ramos & got to hang out with the Brilliant and Wonderful Buster.

For all future housesitters in Mexico, please remember that housesitting is work, paying to housesit in the Hot Season was not my smartest move and Mexico is not for Sissies.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Our Beatles night at Bar ReyMomo was much fun and a Meep Shout-Out to all the wonderful Barra De Navidadians who made us feel so welcome and meepy! We appreciate all of you and enjoyed our adventures immensely.

pps: There is a Giant Cockroach Die-Off going on right now. The porch is littered with over half a dozen crunchy corpses and dying ones keep straggling across the floors inside, expiring on their way to wherever cockroaches are headed.

ppps: When I say Giant Cockroach Die-Off, I mean Giant Cockroaches as well as an Extensive Die-Off.

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Happy Birthday UkuDad!

2011-07-29T07:25:00.001-07:00

PHOTOS: UkuParents! Mother Mary Comes to Meep....

Dear Blob,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the Best Dad in the World, Mister Michael Lerner, formerly of Brooklym, NY, Mill Valley, CA & currently of Petaluma, CA!

Jessica and I have been creating a lot of music at Casa Azul (it's our Mexican Yaddo) and when I was a kid he used to play the guitar and sing this gorgeous song a lot. We made this for him; Congrats on making it to 65 & getting Social Security!

Tonight we, for our Going-Away Party, we are playing a Beatles cover set at Bar ReyMomo! Hope to see you readers there! 8:30pm.

Love The Ukulady

ps: We are currently all dressed up with nowhere to go; 8am in swimsuits 'n' sunscreen. This morning Fernando was going to take us to Tenacatita, the famed snorkling reef-beach, which evil developers have taken control of, to the dismay of every citizen of Mexico's Pacific Coast. It's still snorkle-able, but no cameras or phones; snacks are the only thing allowed in the gates.

We dragged our late-night meeps out of bed at 8am, I got us hopped up on coffee and Fernando called to say, "Girl, it's going to storm!" but he didn't say girl; that's the sassy black lady in my head.

pps: It's been shockingly rain-free for 10 days and the dark clouds are a welcome respite to the withering afternoon heat.

ppps: Sadly, my mini-Flip video camera has been sacrificed to the Mexican Gods, lost in Melaque, chock-full of footage for a Mexico video; sad meep. Stay tuned for the alternative....

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Happy Birthday UkuDad!

2011-07-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Blob,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the Best Dad in the World, Mister Michael Lerner, formerly of Brooklym, NY, Mill Valley, CA & currently of Petaluma, CA!

Jessica and I have been creating a lot of music at Casa Azul (it's our Mexican Yaddo) and when I was a kid he used to play the guitar and sing this gorgeous song a lot. We made this for him; Congrats on making it to 65 & getting Social Security!

Tonight we, for our Going-Away Party, we are playing a Beatles cover set at Bar ReyMomo! Hope to see you readers there! 8:30pm.

Love The Ukulady

ps: We are currently all dressed up with nowhere to go; 8am in swimsuits 'n' sunscreen. This morning Fernando was going to take us to Tenacatita, the famed snorkling reef-beach, which evil developers have taken control of, to the dismay of every citizen of Mexico's Pacific Coast. It's still snorkle-able, but no cameras or phones; snacks are the only thing allowed in the gates.

We dragged our late-night meeps out of bed at 8am, I got us hopped up on coffee and Fernando called to say, "Girl, it's going to storm!" but he didn't say girl; that's the sassy black lady in my head.

pps: It's been shockingly rain-free for 10 days and the dark clouds are a welcome respite to the withering afternoon heat.

ppps: Sadly, my mini-Flip video camera has been sacrificed to the Mexican Gods, lost in Melaque, chock-full of footage for a Mexico video; sad meep. Stay tuned for the alternative....

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Tropical Mexico

2011-07-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

Classic Mexico

Strawberry Fresa Bandito

Fruitas

Boing! Delicious!

Barra De Navidad

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Knocked-Up Barbie & Freelancers

2011-07-28T07:01:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Knocked-up Barbies, Whore Shoes for People & Dolls

Dear Blob,
Yesterday's outdoor market in Melaque revealed perhaps the most disturbing thing I've seen so far in Mexico: Pregnant Barbie & her Whore-Accessories. It blew my mind.

The sexism and role of females in Mexico has always disturbed me, from my first day in Echo Park, LA, when, browsing the teenage clothing store, I couldn't figure out why everything in my size was far too big; then I realized I was in the Pregnant Teen section. Echo Park's Pregnant Teen store used to have a selection of pornographic tongue rings with slogans like (buckle up), "Cum-Filled" and "Party Girl" next to the Diaper Bags.

Pregnant Barbies come with a removable stomach and were surrounded with cute baskets of pick-your-own-accessories, which included whore-pumps, plastic-furry-go-go boots, cell phones and more; all the things a woman needs.

I've become accustomed here in Mexico, to seeing teen parents. It's the same in LA, although in LA I don't usually see teen dads, which I see a lot here. It's upsetting that Mattel Mexico thinks so little of Mexican girls, urging them to be knocked-up whores. Barbie's purpose was to be a Modern Career Girl. She's s been a pilot, a doctor & the president. No reason she can't be a mother, the hardest job of all, but there's something deeply sexist and misogynistic about selling Knocked-up Whore Barbies to little girls living in a nation where teen-motherhood is the acceptable norm.

In other news, Thessica had a 7 hour beach day in Melaque yesterday, enjoying the calm waves of Chicken Beach, nibbling coconut-honey balls & considering the global phenomenon of networking.

Many travelers and foreigners are cautiously suspicious of locals offering services and hospitality. In America, no one but a hustler would offer a tourist, fresh off the bus, guided tours, a home-cooked meal or a satchel of pot. Certainly there are some hustlers, but the majority of Mexicans are honestly gracious and doing exactly what I do in LA, Networking.

Like LA-ites, most Mexicans are Schmoozers, social busy-bees and many are Connectors, as Malcolm Gladwell writes of in The Tipping Point. Connectors are the peeps who know everyone and can find you a dentist, accountant, great snackery; I'm a Connector.

The locals see potential business opportunities in the gringos, just like I see business opportunities in most people I meet in LA; could be working together for a day, a week or years or sometime in the future. Mexicans are Freelancers, not Hustlers. This is an important Travel Tip! Caution is always good, but Fear is the Dark Side.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Jessica, tipsy on margaritas, made BFF with a little Mexican/American girl yesterday. Callie told us she is 100 years old & friends with mermaids who eat cereal and like juice. She also told us she lives in Hawaii, her dad is bald & her parents have a crush on each other. She was hilarious, adorable and hung out with us all day; we were confused as to the location of her handlers, as she seemed to be alone; it was revealed at some point she was with Mama Mona & her family, the Nanny, perhaps.... I love the atmosphere of trust and safety in Mexico, regarding children. Once again, is it a small-town Mexico thing, or is it cultural?

pps: Pineapple is the King of Fruit with it's Royal Fruit Crown!

ppps: The market has tons of polyester ladies panties for sale, no cotton. Who is designing this stuff? Must be idiots, because polyester and cooters do not go hand-in-hand; tropical heat and the unbreathable polyester must lead to chronic cooter-maladies.

UkuAdventures in Mexico:Bathing Suit Week!

2011-07-27T07:10:00.001-07:00

Dear Blob,
The Grand Bay is redeemed. For $85/US a night, it's a worthwhile respite from reality. Redemption appeared in the form of an expat named Canadian Eric, who lives on his buddy's magnificently decadent yacht in the Marina. The Grand Bay is nestled beside a Marina filled with Bluth-style yachts advertising their locations, from Sausalito (represent!) to Newport Beach and oddly, New Mexico, which I thought was landlocked.

Canadian Eric came upon Jessaly deciphering Grand Bay's map, trying to figure out how to avoid the Country Clubbers. Jolly, bored & friendly, he invited us aboard his yacht for a beer. It was noon. A travel lesson: always take up locals offers of food and drink, with caution and don't get drunk; it's the best way to find out the inside scoop! Canadian Eric was a lifesaver. He gave us the lowdown on how to get HB Larry and Laura into our room undetected: water-taxi to the Marina entrance and at the main pool, tell them you live at Dock C on the Marina. Marina dwellers have Grand Bay pool priviliges.

He also revealed a nearby pueblo for affordable snacks, told us the Grand Bay was over $300 a night 3 years ago, has laid of 95% of it's staff and Mexicans/20-year US citizens by the dozens, who have lost everything in America's depression, are moving home with to Mothers in Barra. Other convo-tidbits include: his 3 years in Barra he hasn't seen one violent altercation, Canadian's are buying foreclosed mansions in Phoenix and Americans are moving to Mexico because they can't afford the US; his property tax is $90US/year. Some interesting facts about Northern teak vs. Mexican teak & their oils, meat-info (bad beef in Mexico, great pork 'n' chicken!) and Jessaly was on her way.

We've shirked regular clothes this week. It's bathing-suit week; my Mexican Semester could also be called Body-Acceptance-Therapy-Time. The longer one is in Mexico, the more obvious what the Essentials are: computer 'n internet, ukulele, recording stuff, bathing suit, bug-spray & sunscreen. Hat, glasses 'n' water.

Energized by Canadian Yacht-Eric, Thessica set off in search of Grand Bay's other swimming pools, which after Labyrinth-The-Movie-like wandering, we stumbled upon. Our new Celine-Dion-Free pool is deserted and delightful and the perfect place for Laura & HB Larry or other sneaky-illegals to enjoy, undetected. There are no hotel security-cameras.

After cooling 'n' splashing, we set off for the gardens, clad only swimsuits; we have become Patsy & Eddie totally. Our Garden-journey took us through manicured jungles to a deserted Bed 'n' Breakfast on the edge of the peninsula with an open gate. We wandered in and discovered a fabulous path to 2 private beaches! One we've named Geology 'n' Biology Beach and is chock-full of fascinating rocks, fish skeletons, spiral shells, dried urchins 'n more. We collected specimens and thrilled, spent the next few hours on our Blue-Lagoon-ish-the movie-but-without-the-child-whoring-Beach, noodling in the ruffled wavelets & viewing sea snails.

Hunger led us to a mini-pueblo, inland from the Grand Bay with a secret entrance in a broken fence, as revealed by Canadian Yacht Eric. We found outstanding $2 burritos, returned to air-conditioning for a respite and spent the evening playing music, eating hotel-illegal Chips brand Chips and singing about churros, faraway in the barrio.

Interestingly, we noticed the hotel has turned the horrible music way down, so either someone at the Grand Bay is reading my blog or our complaints were noted & acted upon!

Today we adventure to the Market in Melaque. We are bringing pre-sealed-hotel butter for Panaderia Estrella's hot, fresh bolillos at 2:30.

Love The Ukulady
ps: I'm a Sweatback; my backpack, while handy, turns me into a Sweatback everyday.

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Paradise-Hotel-in-Hell & Ear-Crisis!

2011-07-26T07:04:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Barra Mural, Neighborhood Kids, Taxistand LipPhone, UkuAdventures!

Dear Blob,
Everything is becoming a parody of itself. Jessica's manpanion, concerned with her outrageous spider 'n' flea bites, bought her the gift of several days at the Grand Bay hotel, a Wyndham 4-5 star palatial resort, only accessible from Barra by water taxi. The prospect was exciting and yesterday afternoon, after a successful workday, we schlepped music recording equiptment, instruments & computers on bike to the water-taxi pier.

We locked our bikes at the stand and enjoyed the 5 minute, 10 peso ride, where Roberto, the first of dozens of Grand Bay employees, met us. A golf cart rode us to the front entrance, through majestic garden landscape, to the limestone Beverly-Hills-esque Disneyland. Julio from West Covina (having issues with his papers), checked us in and seated on over-puffed Martha-Stewarty-tacky couches, Hector served us our first and last complimentary pink-frosty beverage.

The first disappointment, but not surprise, was $10 dollar internet access, which they failed to mention, is per-computer. It seems the fancier the hotel, the less free amenities. They also put us in the wrong room, obvious by the Welcome! letter for Senora Roderigo.

Irritated, hot 'n' sheathed in sweat, we headed the pool area, famed for their 5 pools interconnected by waterfalls, slides & bridges. It's certainly unforgettable, with the most Hideous of American Music piped in everywhere, speakers hidden in bushes, blasting horrific covers of Celine Dion, Whitney Huston & bad country music. The pools were sprinkled here and there with Telemundo-beautiful guests, dripping with gold necklaces, giant earrings & heavy makeup. Several pools featured older Telemundo couples making out and dry humping. There's plenty of chaise lounges to find a private-ish place to relax, but no escape from I Will Always Love You & the Titanic Song. It's like an adult Downtown Disney; a quirky, sarcastic artist-intellectual's nightmare.

In fact, as I type from the balcony of our room, I can still hear, instead of tropical birds, bad jazz muzak, which they switch to after the pools close at 8. I repeat, the pools close at 8! Sunset doesn't even happen here until almost 9pm and it's hot throughout the night. Apparently, this place Does have liability insurance.

Crestfallen and cranky, we returned to our room, where I attempted to get water out of my ears with a q-tip, which had the opposite affect and blocked my ear unlike anything I've ever experienced. Now I was in medical crisis. A quick internet search, on our one working computer, recommended vinegar & alcohol poured in the ear. Of course the hotel had neither & medical services are American prices; in utmost ear-distress, I hurried us back into the water-taxi and back in Barra, we unlocked our bikes, quickly rode through town to Casa Azul, which, after the Grand Bay's disappointing Trapped-in-Paradise-Hell vibe, was a comforting sight.

A mixture of vinegar & vodka poured in my ear did nothing but make it worse, as now there was more stuff blocked in my ear. My hearing lost, head resting on the fan, horizontally pillow-like, hoping to evaporate the water with air and the Magic of Gravity, Jessica biked to the Farmacia for a squeezy-pumpy thing. After 20 minutes of squeezy-pumpy ear work, no results and on the verge of crybaby time, we called Dr. Rubio, who had 10 minutes of Doctor hours left.

I Heart the Mexican Healthcare System! That is my new bumpersticker, if I were to indulge in automobile-sloganery. We biked back to town & waited for Dr. Rubio to finish saying no to a bleached-blond peddler of handmade wooden backgammon boards. "Do you need a domino set?" the gringo peddler's partner asked me. "No, I need a doctor!" our ridiculously pre-doctor/medical-crisis theatrical-dialogue.

I don't know what Dr. Rubio flushed out of my ear with saline solution, but it wasn't pretty. Disgusting is the adjective of choice and that's all I'll write. The sensation of saline solution shooting into my ear and Meep-knows-what pouring out, was remarkable; like the awesomeness of a filthy cartoon house and a superior cartoon vacuum instantly, Jestsons-like, cleaning in seconds, complete with a cartoony ping! sound-effect & a sparkly-glisten!

Dr. Rubio is efficient, kind & gentle, with a wall of medical diplomas; everything one wants in a doctor. Ear infection was brewing, she informed me and $30 later, anti-biotic ear-drops in hand, I could hear better than I have in years. Jessica and I dined at Mexico Lindo, a Barra favorite ($3 for 3 large handmade-tortilla tacos!), loaded up on nibblies, as the Hotel prices are expectedly-outrageous (Example: Grand Bay = 1 can (not even a bottle!) of Modelo is almost $5; at the Mercado = 6-pack is $4dollars) and unexcited, returned to Trapped-in-Paradise-Hell Hotel.

Our evenings in Mexico have been spent skyping our manpanions. 5 weeks is a long time to be Ukulad-less and communication-dependent-on-technology is hard on a relationship. Usually Jessica retires to the hammock for her skype-date and I dining-room it up. So the night while pleasant in the air-conditioned hotel room, was marred by our lack of two internet connections. Casa Azul has air-conditioning, but it doesn't reach the bedrooms, so we haven't been using it. It's been fine without it, the spiders being the main source of discomfort. I will doubtfully spend another night here. Jessica can get some work done in a spider-free environment and I will enjoy my final days in the barrio, amongst our friendly neighbors, bike to the market for fresh tortillas in the morning and enjoy ice-coffee with HB Larry.

We are hoping to explore the grounds-area of Paradise-Hell Hotel today, avoid Dry-Hump-To-Celine-Dion-Covers-Pool & salvage what we can of Grand Bay's contrived offerings. I am just not a resort or cruise person. I generally dislike the people I find in these environments and prefer learning about a foreign country by actually being amongst the people, towns and parks. I like luxury, but Grand Bay's luxury is conditional and uncontrollable. Rick 'n' Cathy's Casa Canadian was the perfect balance of luxury & with-the-people-ness. If Casa Azul had a pool, most of our discomfort would disappear.

I'm surprised to find myself so affected by the heat. I grew up in the Mendocino County summer heat, went to Burning Man & always choose death by heat over death by freezing. However, the Mexican summer hours of 1:30ish - 5:30ish, are almost impossible to function in, unless a water source is available for frequent cooling.

I apologize, Readers 'n' Blob, for complaining; I consider my ukuadventures in Mexico a grand adventure and am filled with new knowledge & philosophical understanding of life and the imperfect world. I've contemplated the big questions & have great affection for what I call my Mexican Semester. I spent a semester in Mexico!

Love The Ukulady

ps: Who has advice for transporting prescription drugs to LAX without a prescription?

pps: The Hotel-Room coffee maker was broken this morning. Of course.

ppps: We discovered the bakery of Barra De Navidad, close to the Fish Co-Op. It is awesome!

pppps: We are hoping to gift a couple nights at the Grand Bay to HB Larry & Laura for all their wonderfulness; as there are only 33 rooms of 200 currently occupied; plan-scheming is ensuing....

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Churros, Recycling & Mexican Nails!

2011-07-25T08:13:00.001-07:00

The Ukulady on Casa Canadian's Roof!

Churros!

We Discover Barrio Recycling!

Sopes Lady with the Loco Nails!

Trucker Jessica

Dear Blob 'n' Readers!
Don't Miss Jessica's Awesome and Interesting Mexico Blog!

UkuAdventures in Mexico: El Salto Falls Adventure Party!

2011-07-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Truckers! Laura & Ceviche! El Salto! La Rana! Weeble Agua Tree! HB Larry, Laura & Alejandro!

Dear Blob,
What an Exciting Adventure we had today! But First! A quickie summary of yesterday: Thessica recharged her meep-batteries lolling in Casa Canadian's pool, noodling with noodles & eating cookies. We took a quickie trip into Melaque for the ATM, hot, fresh bolillos from the 400 year old bakery and awesome fish tacos, which were fried in a tempura-like batter. The Pescado-Taco man's wife had the most incredibly fake-long-glitter nails, strikingly noticeable as she paddle-flapped sopes dough between her hands.

In the twighlight hour, we played recording studio with Buster between pool-dips. After the rock'n'roll recording sessions, a Taqueria Ramos 'n' Churro stop and many laughs, Buster left us & returned to Cuastecomate, playing hooky from Bar ReyMoMo and worrying his BFF, Memphis Jan, a healer/nurse from Memphis with similar nails as the Sopes lady. Memphis Jan, concerned about Buster's inappearance on Saturday night to work, came to Casa Azul to find him, where she ran into Jessica, who brought her over for a galpal-date. MemphisHealer Jan weaved stories of healing cancer, traveling to "Guad" (Guadelajara), which reminds me of squaddely-quads (fat thighs) and a fabulous thrift store in Mexico. Jessaly perked up at the words Thrift Store, simultaneously saying, "Where?! How Far?" Sadly, the only awesome thrift store in Mexico is 4 hours away.

TODAY: Big Waterfall Adventure!
HB Larry, Laura & Alejandro picked us up at 10am for our adventure to El Salto Falls, 2 hours away. Thessica, bedecked in trucking hat'n scarves, fretted about back-of-the-pickup-travel and bungee-corded ourselves to the truckbed. Alejandro, riding with us in the back, was amused at our actions and I felt comforted knowing his mother, riding in the cab, was comfortable with her son riding in the back of a pickup, unstrapped in. Once we had our pillows properly placed, it was a fabulous and interesting ride, which went by quickly.

One of the most awesome things about Mexican highway travel is the noticeable lack of billboards. I saw, perhaps 4 on the entire ride. We zipped through Manzanillo, the San Pedro/Long Beach of Mexico, being the largest port-city with goods from China constantly arriving. It was interesting to see Manzanillo's suburbs of cinderblock houses; Mexico is the Land o' Cinderblock! From the city, we ascended up a curvy road into the cartoon-green jungles, passing skinny cows grazing on the side of the highway and every shade of green imaginable.

El Salto Falls 'n' Waterpark is a well-worthwhile trip during the hot season. The waterfall is a bit treacherous, with Dangeroso! signs, but I ventured in the swimming hole part anyway, being unable to resist swimming hole beauty. There are parts of El Salto's swimming hole that are very dangerous, with a strong current; it is not for weak swimmers.

At one point Jessica got caught in an eddy, which sucked her under. Laura went to help and was sucked under too! It was scary and dramatic, however, it was not life-threatening, as a saver would only have to pull them downstream a foot to be in calm water. When panicked, it's easy to forget water-safety measures. Swimmers remember, if caught in a rapid or eddy, do not fight the current, but follow it to calmer waters. Jessica lost her cute vintage sunglasses and we all learned a lesson about water-safety; while Mexico is In Charge, Water is Always In Charge.

El Salto's Waterpark is fed by the crisp, mountain water and is unrecycled, but always fresh, entering the giant swimming-pools at the top and exiting at the end. It is full of whimsically shabby slides and structures and reminded me of a Weeble Waterpark. The water was outstandingly refreshing and it was a magical day, feasting on Laura's Incredible Ceviche de Camaron (shrimp!) and swimming in the waterpark pools with Alejandro, who is an exceptional 13 year old. He's sweet, smart, pleasant and funny, rare in a teen.

Mexican children, generally, are amazingly well-behaved and polite. The waterpark was chock-full of Mexican families bbqing carne asada, deep-frying carnitas, playing cards, drinking beer 'n' soda & patronizing mariachi musicians. Hundreds of kids swam joyfully, playing and I didn't see one temper tantrum. Mexican kids are semi-gods, doted upon by generations of family all in the same house, just like in LA. Thoughtfully, the waterpark created a shallow water-trough around the edge of the pools for babies.

There are no lifeguards or safety-people at El Salto; HB Larry revealed that there are no laws for liability insurance in Mexico, hence no lifeguards or water-slide attendants. The slides were ridiculously slow and unsteep, perhaps to keep folks safe, as it is every man for him/herself.

Interestingly it's the cultural norm, according to HB Larry, for the men and women to fiesta separately. Our picknicking neighbors brought this subject up, as a gaggle of drunk men littered Modelo cans and across the pile, the women tended babies.

Other interesting things of note included a redheaded kid, a fabulous blow-up unicorn & a great 'n' horrible story (from HB Larry) about an old, terminally-ill Mexican man who purposely waited by the side of the road until a wealthy-looking car drove by, then stepped in front to commit suicide, assuring his family of financial stability from a payout. HB Larry's friend was the driver, who happens to be the son of the man who invented the microwave; so luckily he had some coin to spare. Insane.

It was a Fabulous Waterfall Adventure!

Love The Ukulady
ps: I got Laura's Shrimp ceviche recipe! Limes cook the shrimp! Incredible! Prepare for a Ceviche party, LA-ites! The Ukulad, sadly cannot eat ceviche, due to acid reflux. He is unable to process onion, garlic, tomatoes, peppers & citrus. He would die in Mexico! Or live on quesadillas & churros.

pps: If I picked up every piece of garbage in Mexico that I'm compelled to pick up, all I would do would be picking up trash. Mexicans are still using, in great abundance, styrofoam plates, plastic cups, utensils & multiple plastic bags for everything, including 1 banana. It's totally distressing. Humankind is F-Meeped. I kept thinking, if this is what's going on in Mexico, what is going on in India?

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Hot Chips, Gas Station Banos & Spanglish!

2011-07-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Cartoon Car, Exciting Waterfall Adventure Team, Unicorno, Jungle Mushroom!

Dear Blob,
So many fun things to report! The nightmare of the Pulgas is but a distant memory and Mexico is redeemed!

1. Fruita Exotica: There are tons of roadside fruit stands, primarily selling mangoes, coconuts, pineapple, yakal, which looks exactly like durian fruit and citrus. The Fruita Exotica vendors sell grapes imported from LA. Funny.

2. Hot Chips: I've discovered why Hot Chips, extremely popular here, are superior to Un-Hot Chips! A Chip-Enthusiast cannot eat as many Hot Chips as Un-Hot Chips, therefore minimizing pouch-expansion and leaving room for churros!

3. The legless & destitute hang out outside the bank in Melaque soliciting pesos; a better place for them would be the Airport, where departing passengers are more apt to unload their extra coinage before international travel. Get Thee to the Airport, Mexican Beggars! I'll definitely give them my leftover pesos as I'm leaving....

4. Spanglish: This is my new primary language. I would love to read a transcription of the past 5 weeks of my Spanglish, particularly the OC conversation. Most of my convos go like this:
UKULADY: Alejandro, Questa Subjecto Favorito en esquela?! (hopefully: What is your favorite school subject?) (or) La Cascada es el heffe! (hopefully: the waterfall is the boss; meaning, the waterfall is dangerous and in charge.). For the record, The Ukulady studied up to French 4 AP in high school (20 years ago), in hopes of singing French Art Songs and opera, a childhood passion.

5. Gas Station Banos: The Ukulady is a frequent road-tripper, traveling California's I5 from LA - the Bay Area and stops often for gas & restrooms, Loves being the stoppery of choice. Today, on our Exciting Waterfall Adventure (Blob Coming Soon!) with HB Larry, Laura & Alejandro, we stopped at a Pemex gas station with a Kiosko and I popped into the banos, where I automatically looked for the tissue-papery toilet-seat-sheets. Then I remembered I'm in Mexico and it's thrilling just to use a public restroom with a seat! In Southeast Asia most public toilets are holes in the ground with 2 feet-marks painted on the sides. I was glad I do yoga.

5 We heard a real Burro Hee-Hawing today! It was strangely exciting and oddly familiar even though it's the first time I can recall hearing an actual Burro Hee-Haw.

Love The Ukulady

ps: We've invented a new exercise called Truckercise! One executes Truckercise when one is riding in the back of a pickup truck; every time the truck goes over bumps or dips, the rider engages his/her muscles to remain a solid mass of muscle in the truckbed. It's a million-dollar market in Mexico & Alabama! Perhaps Georgia too?

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Canadians to the Rescue!

2011-07-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Marshmallows, Horse & Sign saying No Trash, Dead Fish

Dear Blob,
The Week of Mexican Challenges has morphed into a luxury-party! Our New BFF's, Canadian Rick 'n' Cathy, took pity on Jessaly and have loaned us their home for the weekend! Casa Canadian is about 5 blocks from Casa Azul and has a Pool. I've decided a Pool is essential for survival in the Mexican low-season. Casa Azul is pleasant, chock-full of great books & the Magic Garden is delightful, but a Pool Rules the Universe!

I am writing this Blob, bikini-clad, feet in Pool, honey-coconut-ball-snack in hand. I feel very Ab-Fab

Yesterday was a Recovery Day, awash in hammock-lounging, National Geographic Reading & songwriting. We ventured out in the late afternoon, coming upon Laura's hard-partying boss's funeral. There were hundreds of mourners, spilling out of the open-air shack-like church, into the ice-cream-arcade and cobblestone-dirt streets. According to HB Larry, in the first couple minutes of ceremony his Sins were on the table and throughout the 3 - 4 hour event, "He Was Not Without His Sins" came up a lot.

Early evening we biked to downtown Barra, where I visited Dr. Rubio, who is on facebook, speaks perfect English and recently vacationed in Orange County. For $20 she peeked at my weird stomach-rash, declared it fungal in nature, due to the tropical environment and prescribed me anti-fungal/antibiotic crema; all for a grand total of $32 American dollars. About what I would pay in the states if I had Good Health Insurance and minus the hassles of making an appointment, driving anywhere & dealing with paperwork & insurance cards. It was Fantastic! America's biggest flaw is the healthcare system.

We enjoyed tamales, 2 for $1 dollar, from a tamale-trolley in the plaza, picked up our laundry, which was washed & folded for $3 dollars and biked to Casa Azul to pack our slumber-party satchels.

Casa Candian is smaller than Casa Azul, but has the feel of Vacation Luxury, with airy, light bedrooms, eco-fancy-Big-Sur-luxury-style bathrooms, nestled within art-deco-ish curvy walls. Casa Azul is comfortable-hippie-funky; Casa Canadian is Mexican vacation-rental with a sleek Swiss Family Robinson meets Monaco atmosphere.

Deserving of pampering, we star-gazed, lolling in the pool, after sharing a sack of consistently-outrageously-delicious churros. It's the first night we've seen stars! Oddly, it hasn't rained in 2 whole days and in fact, last night it was almost cool! Startled by the sensation, we had goose-bumps when we got out of the pool! It was exciting.

After his bartender shift, Punk-Rock Buster came over, even though Canadian Rick's email specifically said, "No Boys!" and Jessica & Buster stayed up all night recording his punk-rock album. His music reminds me of the Dead Milkmen. I went to bed and slept like a battery-less robot.

Today will be spent poolside with a brief trip to Melaque for money, as the Mexican Tourists have sucked all the money from Barra's ATM's. Buster & Jessica remain horizontal, guitars, microphones & cords strewn carelessly about Casa Canadian

Love The Ukulady
ps: Can we hear a giant MEEEEEEP for Rick 'n' Cathy! MEEEEEP!
pps: Which is not to say MEEEP for Carmen & Sally & Casa Azul; we just needed a little luxury for a couple days and a Pool!
ppp: Interestingly, there are far less mosquitoes at Casa Canadian; less garden, less puddles and moisture for the slutty insects. Another wisdom tidbit from HB Larry! Dude needs to write a book: The Gringo's Guide to Mexico's Pacific Coast.

For My New Blob-Fans: Meet Velvetina Evilwich!

2011-07-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

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UkuAdventures in Mexico: Flea Free!

2011-07-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Children's Mural, Barra De Navidad, Jalisco, Mexico

Dear Blob,
It's glorious to sleep in a Flea-Free bed! Jessica has an interesting flea-theory, a creation myth explaining their brief Casa Azul domination:

Carmen & Sally, the most frequent Casa Azulians, have 2 dogs and Conchita Cat, who get regular flea treatment. While the animals live inside, the fleas hop aboard the pets and instantly die from the flea-treated pet-poison. There have been no succulent Inside Pets during Jessaly's stay and the subsequent time from the furry-pet departure to the fleas explosive appearance, seems to be the perfect breeding time for whatever few fleas were left behind. Instead of tasty dog, the fleas were left with tasty un-flea-treated person and partied like rock stars.

Raise Your Glass! May the Fleas be the final drama of the purported It-Comes-In-3's: Flood, Baby OC Debacle, Fleas!

In other news, Jessica wants to invent the Mosquito-Net Burka. Genius. Another wide-open million-dollar market.

Love The Ukulady
ps: I do have an odd mini-rash on my stomach, which reminds me of poison oak, which doesn't seem to grow in Mexico.

pps: While jogging through the barrio, I've noticed many disabled people, retarded, wheelchair-bound, extremely old; it occurred to me that in the US, we like to hide our disabled away from the general population. I admire Mexican's dedication to their family, no matter what the circumstances, however, they go too far, being obsessed with family. Teens start child-bearing around 14 and having 9 - 12 children is still common. When will humans learn to Balance? Be dedicated to family, but be aware of the World and the population problems facing humanity. Is this the fault of the Catholic Church & it's iron fist clutching Latin America?

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Think of the Donner Party...

2011-07-21T19:44:00.000-07:00

PHOTOS: Barra De Navidad in Mural! Churros!

Dear Blob,
This has been one of those travel-days when one is ready to:

A. Change one's ticket home to Right Now
B. Flee for the nearest 4-star hotel, which should be fairly nice in Mexico.
C. Think often about The Donner Party and their trials and tribulations.
D. Feel deserving of Chips Brand Chips, Beer & Churros all at the exact same time. (didn't really happen)
E. Consider what a 3rd World Country is like, as Mexico is only a "Developing Nation".

I remember this day when I was traveling in Southeast Asia; it happened on the Thai island of Ko Chang, when, exhausted from a 12 hour bus ride through Cambodia, I and my travel-companion were hoodwinked into pre-paying for 2 nights at a sub-par Australian Party-Resort. It was a different Difficult that dealing with Fleas in Mexico; the main problem today being 2 nights with poor sleep. Anyone who wakes up on a dining room table is bound to be wearing crankypants & bitchy boots.

Daniel, the Mexican Fumigator, shocked us all by arriving promptly at 1:30. A thorough investigation of Casa Azul revealed dozens of fat spider nests 'n' eggs; the Fleas were elusive, but Daniel was confident they were living in the furniture. Unfortunately, he was unable to spray for both at the same time and we were forced to choose. We went with Fleas.

Remember the famed neighborhood Dryer, recently acquired by our neighbor Laura? We were probably the first lucky neighbors to enjoy the privilege of it's heat-power. We took all the bedding, linens and clothing of the house and loaded it in her dryer to kill the fleas 'n' eggs. After pleading with Daniel to fumigate today, he said to expect him at 5pm.

Daniel the Fumigator is the first Early Mexican I've ever met. He was on LA-Actor's Time, showing up 20 minutes before 5, while we were attempting to eat our first food of the traumatic day. Not only did he show up early, but before we could even greet him, the man had his poison sprayer out and began indiscriminately, squirting poison everywhere. He got my backpack, almost got our lunch, which had been a debacle in itself, involving mayonnaise, my most-hated food-item and was ready to spray us, when we hastily found keys, packed our purselets at hopped on bikes, in search of a fancy hotel pool to sneak into.

Once we got to town, we couldn't find the house keys, which Jessica determined she left at the house. She raced back to Casa Azul, while I, hippie-like, collapsed on the ground, under a shady tree, confusing the fleets Wealthy Mexican tourists, as I have neither dreadlocks or tie-dye and I was not selling handmade hemp jewelery.

20 minutes later Jessica returned, beet-red, upper-lip glistening with bike-sweat; both of us were sheathed in perspiration, like the gelatinous sheen on chicken after it's been in the fridge overnight. She was keyless. The first time I trusted her with the keys and she lost them. The good news is they were actually hidden in one of our bags. In our haste to not be poisoned by Daniel's speed-spraying, she'd forgetfully dropped them in a secret pocket.

Just re-telling this story exhausts me further. We ended the difficult day being allowed by a hotel to drink cervezas poolside, but not allowed to actually go in their pool. We did anyway and then made BFF with all the vacationing children, who were thrilled to practice their English on us. There was a cold-shower by the pool, overlooking a gorgeous ocean with sun-glisten-sparkles, so we stayed cool and our senses of humor were restored by hilarious children, who remain the same throughout the world: joyful, curious & life-affirming.

One girl asked me in Spanish if I ate eggs at my Grandma's house. We blew a couple kids from LA's minds, when they learned that we too, were from LA! The LA kids, from Highland Park, enjoyed guessing my age, which went from 14 to 48 in the same breath.

Currently, we are back at Casa Azul, our beds remade, our fingers crossed. There are still hundreds of spiders and flying cockroaches to contend with and if the fleas are not gone, we flee to a hotel.

In other news, the debacles should not overshadow the Good & Interestingness of Mexico; I'm constantly impressed by most Mexican's eagerness to help, no matter what the circumstances. A nice couple on a date dirtied their hands helping me fix my broken bike chain, in the rain.

I was considering the un-diversity of Mexico, when I remembered I'm in a tiny Mexican beach town. If a Mexican came to a tiny town in just about anywhere, America, s/he too, would be surprised at the un-diversity of America. Diversity lives in Big Cities.

Mexicans Love Plastic Bags & Styrofoam Plates.

Love The Ukulady
ps: Chicken City is a good name for a Cartoon City.
pps: A lot of cameltoe around here.
ppps: I don't think I'm young enough to be interested in dealing with the 3rd world. That means ebola, malaria, dengue & yellow fever, no indoor plumbing and more. I'm old; for a 14 year old.
pppps: Larry told me he upped my status to Senora because most folks around here cannot understand how I could possibly be unmarried & childless and in my 30's! Unfathomable.