Dear Blog,
Just a quickie update on the Couch Count of The Couches of Echo Park: today in a two-block radius I counted 5 couches! This is a ridiculous number of streetcouches. Mostly because I don't understand how the abandoned pee-ridden-beer'n'cat-hair-coated couches are always in front of the seemingly-same apartment buildings. Are the inhabitants constantly purchasing new and discarding used, couches? I am a one-couch kind of gal. In my SF apartment, we had The Pink Whale, a vintage pink couch which was so large, it took over 8 hours to get into the apartment. Moving out, The Pink Whale was sadly and rather violently, chopped into pieces. Subsequently, my Echo Park pad had one distressingly-dusty totally-uncomfortable couch, which left Echo Park with the Big Change (breakup - see www.TheUkuLady.com songpage for breakup songs: Ice Cream, Another Breakup Song, Bonnie Brae Lament). I now play ukuele on Marty Ballins's (of The Jefferson Airplane) couch in EP. It is aqua and black vinyl, art-deco, purchased at his garage sale. In Marin County it is normal for aging rock stars to have garage sales. So I've had 2 couches in 3 years, which seems reasonable, almost extravagant. Apparently my neighbors are re-furnishing every week or two.... Weird.
Love The UkuLady
PS: Hilary Duff's album is being marketed as "The Most Highly Anticipated Album of the Year!". By whom? Certainly not I, nor anyone I know.
PPS: Why do airline pilots always wear American Flag ties? I think they are tacky and it doesn't make me feel any safer. If they wore ties with Muppets featured on them, then I would probably feel a warm feeling of safety, rather than the disdain and embarassment I feel when I look upon the American Flag.
Showing posts with label HIlary Duff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HIlary Duff. Show all posts
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Me & The Scientologists
Dear Blog!
Last night I worked, again, for The Scientologists! Dear Blog and Readers, I am so sorry I didn't tell you about the first time I worked for them. I poured that experience into song, entiltled, "I Gave My Social Security Number to The Scientologists!" (see www.TheUkuLady.com song page)
"OMG, Lerner, What is going on?" I'm sure, Blog, you are quiring in your virtual head. Well, Blog, I submitted my voiceover reel via the internet, to a recording studio producing L.Ron HUbbard's short stories and was subsequently hired. I have now recorded 2 of L.Ron's really trashy pulp fiction, audio books and hooked up another friend with the company. She has been hired much more than me; possibly owing to her willowy physique and seemingly-gentile blond-good looks. Little do the Scientologists know, she's Greek. She's also really talented, but the Scientologists, I think, really like the hot starletee beauties, and the more non-darkey-ish, the better. I say this, because L.Ron's short stories are outrageously racist and sexist. They all seem to be about the dashing white guy bringing salvation to the darkey indiginous people.
The people who work at the studio all wear the same outfit - dark pants, minty button down shirts. I wanted to ask them if they ever get to wear their own outfits, but I didn't want to be rude. My theory" the people who are insecure and lost in LA, get sucked into Scientology, a cult, because Scientology is dripping with money and power! The director of these audio books is a total industry professional. Found out last night, after he showed me family photos, that his real mom is Richie Cunningham's mom. As in Mrs. C. As in Happy Days. I was checking out his pics and I was like, your mom is so familiar...is she Jane Wyman? Or Shirley Jones? Anywaysies, the clone/droid/robot/scientology workerbees, who work for practically free, were completely over the moon about the director and his familiy. Totally starstruck. So I'd deduced that they want a piece of the pie, to touch the insider power of hollywood. Because a ridiculously large amount of powerful money people in LA are scientologists.
This is weird: last time I was there, the gaggle of uniformed-cultists, were finishing lunch, which, as I saw from my water-bottle-fill-up-stop in their kitchen, centered around a huge vat of cottage cheese. Last night, they were finishing dinner, and again, it centered around a huge vat of cottage cheese. My roommate, this morning, at coffee-making -time, agreed, that the little he knows about Scientology, he has heard of their odd cottage cheese obsession.
Ultimately, I work for the Scienologists because it's fun doing books-on-tape. L.Ron is the worst trashy-novel writer. He uses sentences like, "She had a stunningly beautiful body." (that was my character last night, an eskimo saved by the whitey) and "The Sledge dogs slavered." and "High firm breasts..."(me again). I suppose it's actually good trashy writing, but I have an extremely low-tolerance for bad writing. I'm a total writing snob, being partial to Haruki Murakami, Roald Dahl and Malcolm Gladwell.
Anywaysies, this Scietology recording studio is owned by Jazz great Chick Correa, to burst the bubble of his apparent-normalcy. They pay really badly and last night, after working for wayway below my usual payrate, i was like, "what the fuck am I doing this for?" And I was supposed to work for them tomorrow, but did some money-come-to-me chanting over my green-candle--hippie-shrine, and luckily the phone rang with a fun and well-paying vo job for some former SF clients.
I kept wanting to ask the Scientologist worker bees things like, "don't you miss wearing shoes other than sensible oxfordy-nurse shoes?" and "Are you really so lonely and insecure that you would become the pawn/semi-servant to a cult, which masks itself as a world religion, although it is based on the writings of a sex-crazed science-fiction tax-evader?" I hope they don't read my blog. They were all extremely nice and the session was fun because we laughed a lot.
Love The UkuLady
ps: There are these ridiculous posters on Hilary Duff taped to the side of the freeway exit ramp, I frequently exit. It seems like the most ludicrious place to market a talentless former-teen pop-sensation. I greatly dislike Hilary Duff, although I'm sure she is really nice. Unlike Paris Hilton, who is clearly a total bitch.
pps: My awesome gay manager danced with his new-lesbian stand-up-comic client at Zach Braff's bar mitzvah, like 20 years ago. They just figured this out because she is his new client, like me. I love him. We listened to show tunes on his tv yesterday.
Last night I worked, again, for The Scientologists! Dear Blog and Readers, I am so sorry I didn't tell you about the first time I worked for them. I poured that experience into song, entiltled, "I Gave My Social Security Number to The Scientologists!" (see www.TheUkuLady.com song page)
"OMG, Lerner, What is going on?" I'm sure, Blog, you are quiring in your virtual head. Well, Blog, I submitted my voiceover reel via the internet, to a recording studio producing L.Ron HUbbard's short stories and was subsequently hired. I have now recorded 2 of L.Ron's really trashy pulp fiction, audio books and hooked up another friend with the company. She has been hired much more than me; possibly owing to her willowy physique and seemingly-gentile blond-good looks. Little do the Scientologists know, she's Greek. She's also really talented, but the Scientologists, I think, really like the hot starletee beauties, and the more non-darkey-ish, the better. I say this, because L.Ron's short stories are outrageously racist and sexist. They all seem to be about the dashing white guy bringing salvation to the darkey indiginous people.
The people who work at the studio all wear the same outfit - dark pants, minty button down shirts. I wanted to ask them if they ever get to wear their own outfits, but I didn't want to be rude. My theory" the people who are insecure and lost in LA, get sucked into Scientology, a cult, because Scientology is dripping with money and power! The director of these audio books is a total industry professional. Found out last night, after he showed me family photos, that his real mom is Richie Cunningham's mom. As in Mrs. C. As in Happy Days. I was checking out his pics and I was like, your mom is so familiar...is she Jane Wyman? Or Shirley Jones? Anywaysies, the clone/droid/robot/scientology workerbees, who work for practically free, were completely over the moon about the director and his familiy. Totally starstruck. So I'd deduced that they want a piece of the pie, to touch the insider power of hollywood. Because a ridiculously large amount of powerful money people in LA are scientologists.
This is weird: last time I was there, the gaggle of uniformed-cultists, were finishing lunch, which, as I saw from my water-bottle-fill-up-stop in their kitchen, centered around a huge vat of cottage cheese. Last night, they were finishing dinner, and again, it centered around a huge vat of cottage cheese. My roommate, this morning, at coffee-making -time, agreed, that the little he knows about Scientology, he has heard of their odd cottage cheese obsession.
Ultimately, I work for the Scienologists because it's fun doing books-on-tape. L.Ron is the worst trashy-novel writer. He uses sentences like, "She had a stunningly beautiful body." (that was my character last night, an eskimo saved by the whitey) and "The Sledge dogs slavered." and "High firm breasts..."(me again). I suppose it's actually good trashy writing, but I have an extremely low-tolerance for bad writing. I'm a total writing snob, being partial to Haruki Murakami, Roald Dahl and Malcolm Gladwell.
Anywaysies, this Scietology recording studio is owned by Jazz great Chick Correa, to burst the bubble of his apparent-normalcy. They pay really badly and last night, after working for wayway below my usual payrate, i was like, "what the fuck am I doing this for?" And I was supposed to work for them tomorrow, but did some money-come-to-me chanting over my green-candle--hippie-shrine, and luckily the phone rang with a fun and well-paying vo job for some former SF clients.
I kept wanting to ask the Scientologist worker bees things like, "don't you miss wearing shoes other than sensible oxfordy-nurse shoes?" and "Are you really so lonely and insecure that you would become the pawn/semi-servant to a cult, which masks itself as a world religion, although it is based on the writings of a sex-crazed science-fiction tax-evader?" I hope they don't read my blog. They were all extremely nice and the session was fun because we laughed a lot.
Love The UkuLady
ps: There are these ridiculous posters on Hilary Duff taped to the side of the freeway exit ramp, I frequently exit. It seems like the most ludicrious place to market a talentless former-teen pop-sensation. I greatly dislike Hilary Duff, although I'm sure she is really nice. Unlike Paris Hilton, who is clearly a total bitch.
pps: My awesome gay manager danced with his new-lesbian stand-up-comic client at Zach Braff's bar mitzvah, like 20 years ago. They just figured this out because she is his new client, like me. I love him. We listened to show tunes on his tv yesterday.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Mobizzo; look what I don't got.
Dear Blog,
It's a total bummer to be the voiceover spokesperson for a product that no longer exists. My ship came in a little bit last summer, when I landed the Mobizzo account. Blog, I'm sure you are wondering, as blogs are deep-thinkers in some dimension of existance, what the hell Mobizzo is. It Was a cell-phone download thingy and I was their spokesperson! I made a lot of money, that has since, totally dwindled, saying, "Mobizzo. Look what I got."
Now I am compelled to say, "Mobizzo. Look what I don't got."
If I spoke like I live in Fresno. (Jenna, since you don't live westcoast style, Fresno is considered the armpit of California. Now I'm just being mean to Fresno-residents. My anger at Mobozzo's disappearance is being channeled to Fresno-ites, who may be totally into correct grammar.)
I got a horoscope last year which said I need to develop Maniacal Career Focus. I have and now I have determined that I am Nurturing my Maniacal Career Focus.
Love The UkuLady
PS: It's totally unfair that Hilary Duff is making millions and I'm not. Bitch.
PPS: This blog is being written on Tallulah Petunia! My new computersies! It's like a new car! I encourage everyone to go into debt to have this kind of computer speed and ease. I heart you Lulu!
It's a total bummer to be the voiceover spokesperson for a product that no longer exists. My ship came in a little bit last summer, when I landed the Mobizzo account. Blog, I'm sure you are wondering, as blogs are deep-thinkers in some dimension of existance, what the hell Mobizzo is. It Was a cell-phone download thingy and I was their spokesperson! I made a lot of money, that has since, totally dwindled, saying, "Mobizzo. Look what I got."
Now I am compelled to say, "Mobizzo. Look what I don't got."
If I spoke like I live in Fresno. (Jenna, since you don't live westcoast style, Fresno is considered the armpit of California. Now I'm just being mean to Fresno-residents. My anger at Mobozzo's disappearance is being channeled to Fresno-ites, who may be totally into correct grammar.)
I got a horoscope last year which said I need to develop Maniacal Career Focus. I have and now I have determined that I am Nurturing my Maniacal Career Focus.
Love The UkuLady
PS: It's totally unfair that Hilary Duff is making millions and I'm not. Bitch.
PPS: This blog is being written on Tallulah Petunia! My new computersies! It's like a new car! I encourage everyone to go into debt to have this kind of computer speed and ease. I heart you Lulu!
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