Dear Blob & Pals-Who-Feel-Plump,
The anorexic vodka-for-meals-girls of Lalaland squishing your outer-beauty-confidence? Been running, doing yoga, pilates, crunches, the cleanse & still have genetic cellulite & a tummy pouch? Peeps, a great way to feel fit, healthy & trim is a trip to the Deep South! It's normal there for girls to carry an extra 20 - 30 pounds - they are the slim ones! Chubby is up to 75 pounds overweight!
Love The Ukulady
ps: I'm pro-Madonna-adopting-third-world-children.
Showing posts with label Cellulite. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cellulite. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Disneyland Magic!
Dear Blog!
Today was a Special Occasion! In honor of Don Black's 30th birthday last September, I took him to Disneyland! Along for the Special O, were two delightful galpalsies FolkFlower & Saturn Girl. Literally. Folkflower is my Indigo Girls friend and Saturn Girl is my voiceover friend. We were Team Great Day and it was.
Here are the observations from the Gay Boy Capital of Southern California, aka, The Happiest Place on Earth (untrue):
1. Jean Shorts are unattractive on Everyone. Even The Slim should not wear Jean Shorts. I mean the jean shorts that are hemmed and made as shorts, not jean pants which have been haphazardly cut in the heat of summer, to provide relief from a sweltering sun and teen angst. Jean cutoffs, depending on length and the form-fittingness, are on the edge of ok. I believe jeans are meant to be a long-panted garment and are fairly hideous on everyone, as a short. Particularly the plump are fashion-no's, in jean shorts. Not that I am a fashion maven, but I feel strongly about the jean short.
2. Shorts are a tricky item. Many shorts are poorly cut or thoughtlessly designed. It seems the majority of shorts cause it's wearer to look fat, dowdy and ultimately touristy.
3. Shorts that do not fit into the above catagory include Dickies brand, and any baggy-ish cutoffy-Non-Pleated (extremely important) and shorts that go Below the Knee. For some reason, above-the-knee shorts are unflattering on almost everyone; women have a far more difficult task, looking good in shorts, than men. Some woman are luckily, blessed with cellulite-free genes. Not me. Happily, as I found out today, at Disneyland, not most women. Even the slimmest of the slim, generally have cellulite.
4. Almost all the youthful collegiate ride-assistants at Disneyland are totally my peeps, gay boys. Cute musical theatery fellows. It's an interesting juxtoposition, as Walt Disney was a nazi supporter and sheltered several nazi scientists after the Holocaust. These pals of Walt, were the first Imagineers. So it's odd that so many gay men love Disneyland. I love it too. I think it's the kitsch.
5. The best part of Disneyland is the landscaping. Great plants.
6. Gluttony is in the air at Disneyland. What is it about Main Street USA, which feeds me with the impulse to buy ice cream, taffy apples and grandma's fudge? Something about the Good Old Fashioned Fun...leads to Old Fashioned All-American Gluttony. Team Great Day resisted the sugar everywhere and ended our Special Occasion Day in LA's Chinatown. My fortune said I deserve respect and would soon get it. Bring it, Hollywood.
7. I was surprised at the under-abundance of obesity at Disneyland. Certainly I saw my fair share of overly-large "guests", as they call us, but it was nothing compared to the horrifying LA County Fair (see www.TheUkulady.com songpage song: LA County Fair)
8. Small World has a sign right before you embark into the line which says "On This Ride You Will Be Serenaded by Costumed Children From Around The World". Hilarious. Costumed cardboard cut-outs.
9. In Echo Park, before we left for the OC, one galpal told us that her bikini-waxer said,"A girl must 'Scrub The Muffin'". Reminded me of Best Chicago Gay Friend, who's African American officemate told her grandchildren to, "Clean Out Your Pocketbooks Real Good".
10. Speaking of hoohas, the UkuLady was preceded last night at Canter's Kibitz, by the worst singer/songwriter I've ever heard. He actually, earnestly, sang a song which repeatedly included the lyrics, "I wanna kiss her vagina". Makes me feel dirty just writing it. He was sadly beyond awful. Made me feel really good about myself, in that I knew that audience would love me because I certainly would not be singing earnestly about kissing any unmentionables.
Love The UkLady
PS: I love cowboys, pirates, pioneers, cartoon vegetables, ghosts, tropical knick-knackery and mermaids. Ultimately, that's what Disneyland is. And spaceships, ice cream socials, frogs, teacups, butterflies, eyelashed woodland creatures and indiana jones.
PPS: All the ladies of Team Great Day agreed we would totally get it on with Harrison Ford, even in his old-age.
Today was a Special Occasion! In honor of Don Black's 30th birthday last September, I took him to Disneyland! Along for the Special O, were two delightful galpalsies FolkFlower & Saturn Girl. Literally. Folkflower is my Indigo Girls friend and Saturn Girl is my voiceover friend. We were Team Great Day and it was.
Here are the observations from the Gay Boy Capital of Southern California, aka, The Happiest Place on Earth (untrue):
1. Jean Shorts are unattractive on Everyone. Even The Slim should not wear Jean Shorts. I mean the jean shorts that are hemmed and made as shorts, not jean pants which have been haphazardly cut in the heat of summer, to provide relief from a sweltering sun and teen angst. Jean cutoffs, depending on length and the form-fittingness, are on the edge of ok. I believe jeans are meant to be a long-panted garment and are fairly hideous on everyone, as a short. Particularly the plump are fashion-no's, in jean shorts. Not that I am a fashion maven, but I feel strongly about the jean short.
2. Shorts are a tricky item. Many shorts are poorly cut or thoughtlessly designed. It seems the majority of shorts cause it's wearer to look fat, dowdy and ultimately touristy.
3. Shorts that do not fit into the above catagory include Dickies brand, and any baggy-ish cutoffy-Non-Pleated (extremely important) and shorts that go Below the Knee. For some reason, above-the-knee shorts are unflattering on almost everyone; women have a far more difficult task, looking good in shorts, than men. Some woman are luckily, blessed with cellulite-free genes. Not me. Happily, as I found out today, at Disneyland, not most women. Even the slimmest of the slim, generally have cellulite.
4. Almost all the youthful collegiate ride-assistants at Disneyland are totally my peeps, gay boys. Cute musical theatery fellows. It's an interesting juxtoposition, as Walt Disney was a nazi supporter and sheltered several nazi scientists after the Holocaust. These pals of Walt, were the first Imagineers. So it's odd that so many gay men love Disneyland. I love it too. I think it's the kitsch.
5. The best part of Disneyland is the landscaping. Great plants.
6. Gluttony is in the air at Disneyland. What is it about Main Street USA, which feeds me with the impulse to buy ice cream, taffy apples and grandma's fudge? Something about the Good Old Fashioned Fun...leads to Old Fashioned All-American Gluttony. Team Great Day resisted the sugar everywhere and ended our Special Occasion Day in LA's Chinatown. My fortune said I deserve respect and would soon get it. Bring it, Hollywood.
7. I was surprised at the under-abundance of obesity at Disneyland. Certainly I saw my fair share of overly-large "guests", as they call us, but it was nothing compared to the horrifying LA County Fair (see www.TheUkulady.com songpage song: LA County Fair)
8. Small World has a sign right before you embark into the line which says "On This Ride You Will Be Serenaded by Costumed Children From Around The World". Hilarious. Costumed cardboard cut-outs.
9. In Echo Park, before we left for the OC, one galpal told us that her bikini-waxer said,"A girl must 'Scrub The Muffin'". Reminded me of Best Chicago Gay Friend, who's African American officemate told her grandchildren to, "Clean Out Your Pocketbooks Real Good".
10. Speaking of hoohas, the UkuLady was preceded last night at Canter's Kibitz, by the worst singer/songwriter I've ever heard. He actually, earnestly, sang a song which repeatedly included the lyrics, "I wanna kiss her vagina". Makes me feel dirty just writing it. He was sadly beyond awful. Made me feel really good about myself, in that I knew that audience would love me because I certainly would not be singing earnestly about kissing any unmentionables.
Love The UkLady
PS: I love cowboys, pirates, pioneers, cartoon vegetables, ghosts, tropical knick-knackery and mermaids. Ultimately, that's what Disneyland is. And spaceships, ice cream socials, frogs, teacups, butterflies, eyelashed woodland creatures and indiana jones.
PPS: All the ladies of Team Great Day agreed we would totally get it on with Harrison Ford, even in his old-age.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Lame Party, Good Sushi
Dear Blog!
After a rigourous UkuLady day of hanging out with my adorable producer and going to yoga, my best gay friendsy (from 7th floor of Chuckgate, Emerson College!) called me to be his faghag at a hollywoody party which required his attendence for political/networking reasons. Pleased to have a reason to simultaneously dress-up and yearn for a new wardrobe, I agreed to the last minute hollywoody party attending. And Blowfish Sushi was catering! The promise of Macy Gray dj'ing didn't really intrigue me, but hopes of a rehabbed Lindsey or a pantyless Brittney, sure did!
Unfortunately neither Britney or Lindsey were at the party, but the sushi was totally awesome. However, there was no unagi, so another complaint point. It was an extrordinarily ridiculous event with superior people-watching. As Best Gay Friend put it, "These kinds of parties fill me with Rage." Rage and saddness for the rampant insecurity of humankind. Insecurity, fear and self-loathing for not being pretty, skinny or rich enough. I noted to BGF that we were in a Room full of Bullshit. This particular party, a launch party for the Sunset Strip website, was full of, best way to describe them, Wannabes. Wannabe Important people.
They seemed to be marketing and PR people wearing really expensive jeans. Best Gay Friend and I played "Fake Boobs or Real?" And "Who Would You Sleep With If You Had Too?" Not very many hot sleepable people. Lots of really unattractive, heavily made-up, sad people. There was this one model type, thick with makeup, totally skinny and tall and she kept starring at herself in the mirror-wall and doing this lame lip-pursing/head/angle tilty thing that Paris Hilton does. And a not-very-attractive man with expensive hair and probably a cock-of-gold, was all over her. I call it Vanity In Action. Repulsive. She was wearing a couture nightgowny thing and had zero cellulite.
There was another ridiculous plumpish Jersey/Soprano lady in a beige mini-skirty outfit made of sweater with huge tacky gold earrings and beefy legs strapped into leatherette knee-high boots and a humungous juicy couture gold purse. She was like a Mafia Sausage Lady. I ate free sushi, we had ketel one with cranberry and left by 10pm. For all my myspace pals who don't live in LA and desire a piece of it, let me tell you, it's a sad sad ugly world. Insecurity fraught with disappointment, self-hatred and probably bad sex. The world of artistry, cheap taco trucks and wealth-mocking, is far more fulfilling. Best Gay Friend and I wondered if everyone at the party thought we were lame. I'd like to think no; and so the circle continues.
Love Miss The UkuLady Lerner
After a rigourous UkuLady day of hanging out with my adorable producer and going to yoga, my best gay friendsy (from 7th floor of Chuckgate, Emerson College!) called me to be his faghag at a hollywoody party which required his attendence for political/networking reasons. Pleased to have a reason to simultaneously dress-up and yearn for a new wardrobe, I agreed to the last minute hollywoody party attending. And Blowfish Sushi was catering! The promise of Macy Gray dj'ing didn't really intrigue me, but hopes of a rehabbed Lindsey or a pantyless Brittney, sure did!
Unfortunately neither Britney or Lindsey were at the party, but the sushi was totally awesome. However, there was no unagi, so another complaint point. It was an extrordinarily ridiculous event with superior people-watching. As Best Gay Friend put it, "These kinds of parties fill me with Rage." Rage and saddness for the rampant insecurity of humankind. Insecurity, fear and self-loathing for not being pretty, skinny or rich enough. I noted to BGF that we were in a Room full of Bullshit. This particular party, a launch party for the Sunset Strip website, was full of, best way to describe them, Wannabes. Wannabe Important people.
They seemed to be marketing and PR people wearing really expensive jeans. Best Gay Friend and I played "Fake Boobs or Real?" And "Who Would You Sleep With If You Had Too?" Not very many hot sleepable people. Lots of really unattractive, heavily made-up, sad people. There was this one model type, thick with makeup, totally skinny and tall and she kept starring at herself in the mirror-wall and doing this lame lip-pursing/head/angle tilty thing that Paris Hilton does. And a not-very-attractive man with expensive hair and probably a cock-of-gold, was all over her. I call it Vanity In Action. Repulsive. She was wearing a couture nightgowny thing and had zero cellulite.
There was another ridiculous plumpish Jersey/Soprano lady in a beige mini-skirty outfit made of sweater with huge tacky gold earrings and beefy legs strapped into leatherette knee-high boots and a humungous juicy couture gold purse. She was like a Mafia Sausage Lady. I ate free sushi, we had ketel one with cranberry and left by 10pm. For all my myspace pals who don't live in LA and desire a piece of it, let me tell you, it's a sad sad ugly world. Insecurity fraught with disappointment, self-hatred and probably bad sex. The world of artistry, cheap taco trucks and wealth-mocking, is far more fulfilling. Best Gay Friend and I wondered if everyone at the party thought we were lame. I'd like to think no; and so the circle continues.
Love Miss The UkuLady Lerner
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