Dear Blob!
I realized why America is fat! America is not fat, it's unbalanced. All the prettiest 'n' slimmest boys and girls of small-town America moved to Los Angeles to make money on their hottness, leaving the less-attractive, overweight people behind to re-populate small-town America with fat 'n' unsightly offspring! The Hot 'n' Slim People moved to LA and NYC where they make fortunes on their genetically or anorexia-induced cellulite-free bodies. There is no obesity epidemic in America, it just seems that way because all the super slim people live in LA!
If Super-Slim Susan lived in Witherspoon, Wisconsin and mated with Chubby Chad, their offspring would be normal. Instead, Super-Slim Susan moves to LA and mates with Closeted-Super-Hot-Todd and they create super-skinny, celebrity-obsessed children; the nouveau native Angelenos!
I know this theory does not take into account the Super-Sizing of American portions, which probably caused Small-Town-Tina to blossom from pleasingly-plump to ovally-obese. However, if all the super-slim, triple-hot model-types would return to Velveeta, Florida or Gingham, Montana, America would re-balance itself and the obesity epidemic would disappear, leaving towns of normal-sized people; The Fatties and the Bony Ones, creating fleets of height and weight proportionate people. Obesity Epidemic solved.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I dislike Keira Knightly and her irritating, pursed-lip pout-pose. That annoying lips-poised, pushed-outward look is also popular with the talentless Olsen Twins.
pps: While I admire the naturally-enormous lips of Angelina Jolie and Michelle Pfeiffer, I am deeply bothered by popularity of the collagen-lip-enhancement. I wish everyone who gets plastic surgery would receive, along with their primary consultation, a photo of Kanye West's mother, who died from cosmetic surgery.
Showing posts with label Obesity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Obesity. Show all posts
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Dispatch from the Deep South
Dear Blob,
Greetings from the Deep South! I've taken a well-desereved vacation from the feverish hubbub of LA, and have been sampling the best Bohemia and stereotypes of the Bible Belt. Aside from Extreme-In-Loveness (the reason I am vacationing in the Deep South) hiighlights include:
1. purchasing boiled peanuts from a pleasingly-stereotypical white-trash obese meth-addict at a flea market in Alabama.
2. The three obese kitten-sweatshirt-wearing early-twenties gals, manning the cash register at a Salvation Army and gossiping about their children, in Alabama, where I purchased an Alabama sorority tee shirt and a pageant-winner trophy.
3. Subsequently, taking my pageant trophy to the Smoky Pig barbecue in Georgia, where the 2 old toothless ladies dishing up awesome pulled-pork sandwiches, asked me what I'd won. They were disappointed to hear I'd won nothing, except an awesome Salvation Army find.
4. Sweet tea at the Smoky Pig and overhearing the toothless lady scream at someone on the rotary telephone to "Go to your room!" I've never heard anyone discipline someone over the telephone.
5. Superlative geology, parks and folk art: www.pasaquan.com
6. Roasting freshly-cracked pecans newly-picked, with butter and sugar, over a campfire, playing uke and being entertained by a banjo-playing hottie, under Southern stars. Very indie-folk-rock-pioneer.
7. The Cracker Barrel waitress: pleasingly plump and delightfully hospitable.
8. Biscuits, fudge, ice cream and pie.
9. Graffiti tits, word and illustration, on the back of a Methodist church; where my southern man took me, Jew in the South, to a church wedding; where the pastor announced the bride and groom's relationship was a three-way with Jesus. And the reception was in the church gym, reminiscent of Teen Wolf....
10. Singing "LA County Fair" at the Ukulady's Southern debt, and akwardly realizing 3/4ths of the audience were the obese people discussed in song.
11. More later....
Love The Ukulady
ps: the Strawberry wedding cake at the three-way with Jesus wedding! awesome.
Greetings from the Deep South! I've taken a well-desereved vacation from the feverish hubbub of LA, and have been sampling the best Bohemia and stereotypes of the Bible Belt. Aside from Extreme-In-Loveness (the reason I am vacationing in the Deep South) hiighlights include:
1. purchasing boiled peanuts from a pleasingly-stereotypical white-trash obese meth-addict at a flea market in Alabama.
2. The three obese kitten-sweatshirt-wearing early-twenties gals, manning the cash register at a Salvation Army and gossiping about their children, in Alabama, where I purchased an Alabama sorority tee shirt and a pageant-winner trophy.
3. Subsequently, taking my pageant trophy to the Smoky Pig barbecue in Georgia, where the 2 old toothless ladies dishing up awesome pulled-pork sandwiches, asked me what I'd won. They were disappointed to hear I'd won nothing, except an awesome Salvation Army find.
4. Sweet tea at the Smoky Pig and overhearing the toothless lady scream at someone on the rotary telephone to "Go to your room!" I've never heard anyone discipline someone over the telephone.
5. Superlative geology, parks and folk art: www.pasaquan.com
6. Roasting freshly-cracked pecans newly-picked, with butter and sugar, over a campfire, playing uke and being entertained by a banjo-playing hottie, under Southern stars. Very indie-folk-rock-pioneer.
7. The Cracker Barrel waitress: pleasingly plump and delightfully hospitable.
8. Biscuits, fudge, ice cream and pie.
9. Graffiti tits, word and illustration, on the back of a Methodist church; where my southern man took me, Jew in the South, to a church wedding; where the pastor announced the bride and groom's relationship was a three-way with Jesus. And the reception was in the church gym, reminiscent of Teen Wolf....
10. Singing "LA County Fair" at the Ukulady's Southern debt, and akwardly realizing 3/4ths of the audience were the obese people discussed in song.
11. More later....
Love The Ukulady
ps: the Strawberry wedding cake at the three-way with Jesus wedding! awesome.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Disneyland Magic!
Dear Blog!
Today was a Special Occasion! In honor of Don Black's 30th birthday last September, I took him to Disneyland! Along for the Special O, were two delightful galpalsies FolkFlower & Saturn Girl. Literally. Folkflower is my Indigo Girls friend and Saturn Girl is my voiceover friend. We were Team Great Day and it was.
Here are the observations from the Gay Boy Capital of Southern California, aka, The Happiest Place on Earth (untrue):
1. Jean Shorts are unattractive on Everyone. Even The Slim should not wear Jean Shorts. I mean the jean shorts that are hemmed and made as shorts, not jean pants which have been haphazardly cut in the heat of summer, to provide relief from a sweltering sun and teen angst. Jean cutoffs, depending on length and the form-fittingness, are on the edge of ok. I believe jeans are meant to be a long-panted garment and are fairly hideous on everyone, as a short. Particularly the plump are fashion-no's, in jean shorts. Not that I am a fashion maven, but I feel strongly about the jean short.
2. Shorts are a tricky item. Many shorts are poorly cut or thoughtlessly designed. It seems the majority of shorts cause it's wearer to look fat, dowdy and ultimately touristy.
3. Shorts that do not fit into the above catagory include Dickies brand, and any baggy-ish cutoffy-Non-Pleated (extremely important) and shorts that go Below the Knee. For some reason, above-the-knee shorts are unflattering on almost everyone; women have a far more difficult task, looking good in shorts, than men. Some woman are luckily, blessed with cellulite-free genes. Not me. Happily, as I found out today, at Disneyland, not most women. Even the slimmest of the slim, generally have cellulite.
4. Almost all the youthful collegiate ride-assistants at Disneyland are totally my peeps, gay boys. Cute musical theatery fellows. It's an interesting juxtoposition, as Walt Disney was a nazi supporter and sheltered several nazi scientists after the Holocaust. These pals of Walt, were the first Imagineers. So it's odd that so many gay men love Disneyland. I love it too. I think it's the kitsch.
5. The best part of Disneyland is the landscaping. Great plants.
6. Gluttony is in the air at Disneyland. What is it about Main Street USA, which feeds me with the impulse to buy ice cream, taffy apples and grandma's fudge? Something about the Good Old Fashioned Fun...leads to Old Fashioned All-American Gluttony. Team Great Day resisted the sugar everywhere and ended our Special Occasion Day in LA's Chinatown. My fortune said I deserve respect and would soon get it. Bring it, Hollywood.
7. I was surprised at the under-abundance of obesity at Disneyland. Certainly I saw my fair share of overly-large "guests", as they call us, but it was nothing compared to the horrifying LA County Fair (see www.TheUkulady.com songpage song: LA County Fair)
8. Small World has a sign right before you embark into the line which says "On This Ride You Will Be Serenaded by Costumed Children From Around The World". Hilarious. Costumed cardboard cut-outs.
9. In Echo Park, before we left for the OC, one galpal told us that her bikini-waxer said,"A girl must 'Scrub The Muffin'". Reminded me of Best Chicago Gay Friend, who's African American officemate told her grandchildren to, "Clean Out Your Pocketbooks Real Good".
10. Speaking of hoohas, the UkuLady was preceded last night at Canter's Kibitz, by the worst singer/songwriter I've ever heard. He actually, earnestly, sang a song which repeatedly included the lyrics, "I wanna kiss her vagina". Makes me feel dirty just writing it. He was sadly beyond awful. Made me feel really good about myself, in that I knew that audience would love me because I certainly would not be singing earnestly about kissing any unmentionables.
Love The UkLady
PS: I love cowboys, pirates, pioneers, cartoon vegetables, ghosts, tropical knick-knackery and mermaids. Ultimately, that's what Disneyland is. And spaceships, ice cream socials, frogs, teacups, butterflies, eyelashed woodland creatures and indiana jones.
PPS: All the ladies of Team Great Day agreed we would totally get it on with Harrison Ford, even in his old-age.
Today was a Special Occasion! In honor of Don Black's 30th birthday last September, I took him to Disneyland! Along for the Special O, were two delightful galpalsies FolkFlower & Saturn Girl. Literally. Folkflower is my Indigo Girls friend and Saturn Girl is my voiceover friend. We were Team Great Day and it was.
Here are the observations from the Gay Boy Capital of Southern California, aka, The Happiest Place on Earth (untrue):
1. Jean Shorts are unattractive on Everyone. Even The Slim should not wear Jean Shorts. I mean the jean shorts that are hemmed and made as shorts, not jean pants which have been haphazardly cut in the heat of summer, to provide relief from a sweltering sun and teen angst. Jean cutoffs, depending on length and the form-fittingness, are on the edge of ok. I believe jeans are meant to be a long-panted garment and are fairly hideous on everyone, as a short. Particularly the plump are fashion-no's, in jean shorts. Not that I am a fashion maven, but I feel strongly about the jean short.
2. Shorts are a tricky item. Many shorts are poorly cut or thoughtlessly designed. It seems the majority of shorts cause it's wearer to look fat, dowdy and ultimately touristy.
3. Shorts that do not fit into the above catagory include Dickies brand, and any baggy-ish cutoffy-Non-Pleated (extremely important) and shorts that go Below the Knee. For some reason, above-the-knee shorts are unflattering on almost everyone; women have a far more difficult task, looking good in shorts, than men. Some woman are luckily, blessed with cellulite-free genes. Not me. Happily, as I found out today, at Disneyland, not most women. Even the slimmest of the slim, generally have cellulite.
4. Almost all the youthful collegiate ride-assistants at Disneyland are totally my peeps, gay boys. Cute musical theatery fellows. It's an interesting juxtoposition, as Walt Disney was a nazi supporter and sheltered several nazi scientists after the Holocaust. These pals of Walt, were the first Imagineers. So it's odd that so many gay men love Disneyland. I love it too. I think it's the kitsch.
5. The best part of Disneyland is the landscaping. Great plants.
6. Gluttony is in the air at Disneyland. What is it about Main Street USA, which feeds me with the impulse to buy ice cream, taffy apples and grandma's fudge? Something about the Good Old Fashioned Fun...leads to Old Fashioned All-American Gluttony. Team Great Day resisted the sugar everywhere and ended our Special Occasion Day in LA's Chinatown. My fortune said I deserve respect and would soon get it. Bring it, Hollywood.
7. I was surprised at the under-abundance of obesity at Disneyland. Certainly I saw my fair share of overly-large "guests", as they call us, but it was nothing compared to the horrifying LA County Fair (see www.TheUkulady.com songpage song: LA County Fair)
8. Small World has a sign right before you embark into the line which says "On This Ride You Will Be Serenaded by Costumed Children From Around The World". Hilarious. Costumed cardboard cut-outs.
9. In Echo Park, before we left for the OC, one galpal told us that her bikini-waxer said,"A girl must 'Scrub The Muffin'". Reminded me of Best Chicago Gay Friend, who's African American officemate told her grandchildren to, "Clean Out Your Pocketbooks Real Good".
10. Speaking of hoohas, the UkuLady was preceded last night at Canter's Kibitz, by the worst singer/songwriter I've ever heard. He actually, earnestly, sang a song which repeatedly included the lyrics, "I wanna kiss her vagina". Makes me feel dirty just writing it. He was sadly beyond awful. Made me feel really good about myself, in that I knew that audience would love me because I certainly would not be singing earnestly about kissing any unmentionables.
Love The UkLady
PS: I love cowboys, pirates, pioneers, cartoon vegetables, ghosts, tropical knick-knackery and mermaids. Ultimately, that's what Disneyland is. And spaceships, ice cream socials, frogs, teacups, butterflies, eyelashed woodland creatures and indiana jones.
PPS: All the ladies of Team Great Day agreed we would totally get it on with Harrison Ford, even in his old-age.
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