Banned from Canters!

Dear Blog,
The UkuLady has been Banned from Canters! I showed up for my final show on Tuesday, to the news that a Canter's patron called to complain that The UkuLady is Too Loud and Terribly Offensive. Someone hated me so much that they actually took time out of their day to use the telephone to bitch. Perhaps The Offended hadn't slept well that night with queries such as "Who Can we Hate Now that Saddam is dead?" and visions of Brittney Spear's cooter-meat being strapped into her panties-TheUkuLady-will-show-her-how-to-put-on, haunting his pastrami-digesting dreams That's awesome! Someone's meatwich was ruined by a diminutive cultural-Heeb playing ukulele! That's Power! Maybe as The Offended was biting into his 'wich, the pastrami swelled into view, a bright cooter-red, as I simultaneously sang the word Vagina or Fuck; although after my second censorship warning, I really curbed the Fucks, replacing it with Fuhh.... or F'ed.
My initial thought was Paris Hilton had been at Canter's and heard my new song about going to jail together and I got really excited. But I don't think Paris eats solid food.
So the news of no show was jarring, as I had a crew of supporters coming to the Kibitz Room to hear me play. Ultimately I used my adorability and Emerson College Interpersonal Communication skills and talked Bea into letting The UkuLady play her final show. I told her I would be really quiet and not say fuck or vagina. I tried, but towards the end of my set I just couldn't hold back and as I knew I wouldn't be returning anyway, I played Jenna Bush, the first censured UkuLady song and closed the show with a rousing "We're Taking Ecstacy on Sunday; Instead of Worshipping the Patriarchal God, We'll Have Oral Sex In Bed." I was a huge hit. People loved me. And probably some hated me. Good Times.
Love The UkuLady
PS: I've renamed my legs my Walking Arms.
PPS: The UkuLady is floored by the stupidity and blindness of the peeps who built and wholeheartedly believe in The Creationism Museum, where children are being taught that humans and dinosaurs co-existed.

Cinchy!

Dear Blog,
The UkuLady is so over news of suicide bombings in iraq, racial--freakout-incidents and the Severe Lack of Left-Turn Lanes and arrows in Los Angeles. The first two topics only briefly affect my mood. The Severe Lack Of LFT&A's in LA are a constant. As are Mini-vans, the seemingly-car-of-choice for really bad and slow drivers who are partial to beanie babies and Jesus fish. I've ranted about this before. How fucking boring and repetetive. Oh, I've been censured from my former-weekly Uke shows at the Heeb Deli for saying Fuck too much. It's my upbringing; my former-NYC-Cab-Driver dad says it a lot too, as in "These fucking mini-van drivers driving 45 in the fucking fast lane on the fucking freeway!".
Meanwhile, I'm wondering if the kids are still saying, "Get Jiggy" and "That's da Bomb". My yoga teacher said "Cinchy" the other day, as in, "This pose is cinchy!" It wasn't, but she was describing the kind of attitude that will make the pose Cinchy. Love Cinchy. I don't feel comfortable saying "Jiggy". Cinchy, though...bring it!
Love The UkuLady
PS: I did my taxes and it was pretty cinchy! Everyone should be taught by a fiscally-saavy cultural-heeb (my dad) how to do their own taxes. It's cinchy!
PPS: I'm totesies getting money back!
PPS: The Heebs are truly genetically-fiscally saavy. No one can fire me from my job as the UkuLady, for saying that; because I work for myself; because I am a fiscally-saavy cultural-heeb. It's true. Us, the frizzy-headed, pushy, loud-mouths are totally good with money. It's cinchy because it's genetic. Bring on the debate....(See www.TheUkuLady.com songpage song, "Waxing Confessional")