UkuLady in The AIR!

Dear Blog,
OMG! The Pioneers would totally lose their minds if they knew that today, not only are travelers able to traverse the country in a single day, but that feat is accomplished by flying n a giant metal ‘n’ plastic machine, and one can also use a computer in the air! This is the Ukulady’s first time utilizing Tallulah Petunia Mackulele aloft. Some pre-NYC traveling observations:
1. It is not the wisest choice to request a ride to the airport from a Stoner. Time has no meaning for them, aside from 4:20. I know this because in my youth I was a stoner. Highlights from those years include smoking pot all over Europe; sub-highlight of that highlight, was puffing from an orange Fanta can at Jim Morrison’s Paris grave, where my pals and I gleefully spotted nearby graffiti declaring, “Smoke Pot!”; smoking dirt which had desperately been scoured from a carpet where the bowl had fallen, and as we were either too desperate or too high to discern or care about the difference between the cheap Boston schwag we smoked and actual dirt, so the bowl was repacked; and being caught in the dorms smoking pot senior year in college, by the junior-year RA. Alongside me was Former-Comedy-Partner and Best-Gay-Friend-From-Chicago. FCP was, at the time of Caught! an employee of the college and amazingly, not fired. BGFFC was hit with a hefty fine hours before graduation, which, unless the hefty fine was paid asap, he would be uninvited to graduate from college, potentially robbing his family, who had traveled from California to witness the event, of the inevitable joy and pride the commencement ceremony evokes. He paid the fine. I was sent to Emerson College Drug rehab, where I was the lone senior amongst freshman and we were asked to complete time-wasting tasks, such as listing all the words for being stoned.
So my stoner airport ride was late, but made up for it, by driving me all the way to LAX, rather than the flyaway bus stop. Stoner-Ride’s dashboard displayed healing herbs (not pot) and a half-smoked spliff lay in that little pouchy-scoopy thing under the ashtray – that resty thingy that in my car, holds an old mix tape from my ex ex ex and an aromatherapy squirty bottle from my Current Crush.
2. Once through security at LAX, I made a beeline to the airport lit corner to find out what’s going on with Brittney! Instead of Brittney, People and In Touch, both renown celebrity trash rags, featured cover stories on Prince William’s breakup and Virginia Tech. It’s says a lot about our culture that Prince William’s breakup and the Virginia Tech senselessness, tragedy, loss-for-words-to-describe-the vast and varied emotions-brought-on-from-it, share a magazine cover. I guess Brittney’s laying low.
3. LAX has superior people watching! I can’t wait to get to Houston though, where I’ll really have a lot to say! Already, my flight to Houston carries people in cowboy hats and thick accents and the heavily-twanged couple across the aisle from me are drinking his ‘n’ hers Bud Lights at 11am. Who does that besides rednecks, all-night-gamblers or circuit-party-goers? No, circuit-party boys do E and drink Red Bull. It is in airports where I feel the most repulsively smugly-superior; clutching my New Yorker, as I expertly make my way through the throngs of less-experienced travelers. I’m such a schmuck, judging others on their romance-novel reading-material and lack of familiarity with the new travel rules and regulations. I’m a total judegmental snob, but like Anne Frank, I ultimately do believe everyone is good at heart. What a fucking hippie thing to say. I played Anne once, so I feel I can quote her, as I embodied her for an exhausting 3 months. It was a highly successful run and the final performance I went onstage with a fever of 104, and subsequently went to the hospital afterwards, suffering from a friggin kidney infection.
Love The Ukulady
PS: Time to read up on the cultural events on NYC that I simply cannot miss! NYC makes me feel like Eloise, my first NYC fantasy!
PPS: I even put a rubber band around my nose once, to be just like Eloise, and the tip of my nose was literally purple for a week. Ahhh, childhood….

My Internet Boyfriend!

Dear Blog,
I have joined the tech-happy new millenium population and am involved in an internet flirtation with someone I've never met! Of course I am not wasting my time flirting with someone lame or boring. It would have to be someone extremely intriguing to capture my busy-scheming-to-take-over-hollywood-head, and this cute (according to his photos) hipster is totally intriguing. My cousin married a man she met in an online fantasy role-playing game and my good LA punk-rock pal, Tiburon, met her awesome fiancee, TriStar, on myspace. Not that I am seeking anything of that nature, but it is totally interesting and bizarre to have a met a total stranger online and come to a place where I would consider this person an actual friend. The Donner Party would be blown away. I think we (now me and he are we!) have come to a place that I would consider my Fantasy Internet Fiancee (my first ukulady marraige proposal!) a friend (hey PA!, being narcissistic enough to assume you are reading about yourself! - double narcissim!). Due to his being interesting, smartie-pants, clever, unassuming, and most importantly in a literary friendship/courtship,linguistically charming and handy, I've perused his writings, music and have developed a total crush. What if he is a disfigured hunchback, which is redundant? Would that make me, if I ultimately was not attracted to him, a total materialistic schmuck? (for my non-heeb readers, like hopefully Jenna Bush, that means asshole). A lot of philosophical considerations go into having a flirtation/crush on an internet pal.....
Heartsy, The UkuLady
PS: I'm very thankful I have eyelids!
PPS: No duh LA Times, Anna Nicole died of a pill overdose. Fucking duhsies.
PPPS: Tapered jeans/pants are lame.

Welcome SOM blog!

Dear Blog Readers!
Now I'm a blog fanatic and I'd like to announce the beginning of the Special Occasion Music Blog! Special Occasion Music writes, records and performs music for any special occasion! The SOM blog will hopefully add a little Special Occasion to you, my dear reader!
Love The UkuLady
PS: The LA Times today said there are a lot more homeless people in Echo Park since the skid row crackdown, but today, jogging my usual route around Echo Park lake, I noticed a distinct lack of the usual homeless loiterers. Socialism has several good qualities.
PPS: For the SOM Blog, go to www.myspace.com/SpecialOccasionMusic

For my Myspace Blog Subscribers!

Dear Subscribers!
I'm so excited that you are subscribing to my blog! I'm somewhat low-tech and didn't realize that I could dive into Narcissim in Action and see if I had any subscribers, until today! So, friendsies, I'm going to take this as a sign to write more blogs. I still have to write about my experience mistakenly working for the Scientologists! Yes! It's true! They all were dressed like stewardesses. I wrote a UkuLady song about it called "IGave My Social Security Number To The Scientologists", but forgot to rant and rave for readers. OMG, after the book-on-tape session, I felt like I'd done drugs I was so thrilled and frightened and excited! Infiltration....To The Downfall of Evil, my friends!
Love The UkuLady
PS: No contact from Jenna and Ashlee Simpson never responded to my friend