Californians Care for Britney!

Dear Blob,
Here are today's headlines in the LA Times California section; it's a grab-bag of important tidbits that are apparently, of importance to Californians:
-Police Dog Found Dead in Squad Car
-Nasa Employee 1 of 4 fire victims
-Britney Spears custody modifed
-Pot Operations targeted in raid
-2 girls hurt in shooting
-a couple more nibblets about sex abuse, Marine contempt and electricity rates.
Now while the news is often bleak and unfunny, I like to have a vague knowledge of topics that often make me feel better about my life. I wasn't hurt in a shooting, or a fire victim and I don't have dead dog in my car.

And in LA, it is equally important to know about drug raids as it is to know that Britney is Healing! A bit of good news relevant to all Californian citizens! Because we were worried. As soon as my Georgia-native manpanion moved to LA, he developed a concern for Britney Spear's well-being, as do my pregnant Lateen neighbors and the homeless junkie whores on skid row. Californians are concerned about Britney! Well, it's a brighter day for us Californians, because Britney and Kevin are modifying their custody arrangement! Upon reading this LA Times news, the relief that washes over me, makes up for the snub I received from Jenna Bush, in not being invited to her wedding. All is well! Congratulations Britney & Kevin!!!!!!!
Love The Ukulady
ps: my manpanion has invented Green Beans that taste like French Fries!
Recipe: Coat Green Beans in olive oil, sea salt and pepper and roast in oven at 450 for about 20 minutes. They are unbelievable!
pps: I hope Britney and Kevin start cooking together with their private chef!

Jenna Bush's Wedding & other Presidential-ish Acquiantances...

Dear Blob,
Jenna Bush is getting married this Saturday and she didn't invite me. I'm disappointed. In other news, I unknowingly hob-nobbed with the son of former-presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, John Mark Huckabee. We both responded to a craiglist ad and exchanged our respective services for free editing. I as a "comedy actress' and he as "film crew and extra". The son of Mike Huckabee pretended to be a mental hospital guard, and I, his mental patient ward.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I wonder if John Mark Huckabee is going to Jenna's wedding...

The UkuLady & Trevor Penick of O-Town!!

Dare to Suck & Fuck Fear

Dear Blob,
The UkuLady has been receiving an overwhelming number of emails lately, thanks to my incredible gay-heeb-manager's marketing diligence. The emails are daily affirmations and while I don't have time to answer all of them, one came in that I am compelled to share with you, Blob, and my readers.
FROM SARAHCAKES, My MYSPACE FRIEND:
I have a question. You are awesome to the max. But How do you just not care what people say or think? I always am careful with what I say to people. I'm a big ol' chicken. I hate giving speeches and so on. I wish I could be like you and just not give a damn.
Sarah
The opportunity has come for The Ukulady to change the world. I told Sarah I have 2 mottoes:
1. Fuck Fear
2. Dare To Suck
If humans could eliminate Fear from their psyches, this world will change for the better. Fear drives many people and I believe it is the root of all evil. Daring to suck is related to self-love and self acceptance. If everyone really loved themselves and stopped judging themselves, again, planet earth could transform. We will still have hurt and grief and pain, because loss is inevitable. However miscommunication, anger, doubt, greed and all the other negative creatures of the shadowbox, will weaken. I heart Love. What a fucking hippie thing to say.
Love The Ukulady
ps: simultaneous to this email, my amazing sister (www.judemooney.com) told me I should be a motivational speaker.
pps: I'm done hating Britney, Lindsey and Jenna. I love them. But not in a lesbian way, or in an admiration way. More in a pity way and they doing the best they can possibly do. Because like Anne Frank, I believe all people are good at heart.

Babies Eating Candy

Dear Blob,
I've decided that witnessing mothers give their babies candy and soda, is one of the top-most depressing things to see. Today at Walgreens, I watched a teen mother give her baby a lollypop. It feels like watching the future of humanity be peed upon.
Love The UkuLady
ps: I watched Jenna Bush on Ellen and almost forgave her for not calling me or coming to any of my shows.

Jenna's Engagement!!!

Dear Blob!
Exciting news! My myspace friend, Jenna Bush, is engaged to be married! While this news was reported in the LA Times and other publications, she hasn't sent out an announcement to her myspace friends yet. She's probably been too busy with the challenges of her job! Jenna and her mom, Laura Bush, are co-writing a children's book! They are such role models for mothers and daughters everywhere! I really admire their dedication to American children's literacy! Hopefully they will extend that dedication to the global youth village and write something uplifting and charmingly witty, for the kids of Iraq.
Meanwhile, I'm crossing my UkuLady fingers that You Know Who will be asked to be in the wedding party, or maybe write a special love song for Jenna's special day.... I'll write her a special What-To-Expect-When-You-Lose-Your-Virginity song, as we all know Jenna is an upstanding young Right-Wing Christian and if there's one thing that's important to the Evangelicals, it's an unmarred vagina marching down the aisle. Hopefully her fiance isn't like all the Right-Wing Christian Senators who've recently been caught molesting boys and soliciting gay sex in men's restrooms. As Jenna's myspace friend, I am protective over her and wouldn't want her to catch an STD on her special virginity-losing-wedding night!
Love The UkuLady
PS: I saw a yarn store in Chatsworth today called Hooker's Haven. Chatsworth, is apparently the porn capital of the world.
PPS: Pumice & Hummus - twinsies!

UkuLady on Ring My Bell #2!

See more at Ring My Bell.

Sim Season is here!

Dear Blog!
Finally I'm working for money again! I do so much work all day for the visualized millions I'm manifesting via money shrine, scheming and old-fashioned hard work. Blog, I know Jenna Bush thinks she has the greatest job in the world, giving to the poor children of the 3rd world for a week and then cutting a 6 figure book-deal about her rigorous & heart-hole-piercing experiences; but Blog, speaking in gibberish with my pals all day and then lounging by a fancy-hotel-pool, musing about cameltoe on ukulele and sipping complimentary red-wine in the California sunshine, really surpasses The Giving-of -Jenna-to-the-Poor! Some nibblets from our first Sim Session of the year:
1. Stew Kitty
2. The difficulty of toilet-training Hellen Keller
3. Man Ham
4. Ice Skater, Dorothy Hamster
5. Cat Pork Chops
6. The Great Taste of Shanooky
7. Mopaccinos, a delicious beverage for janitors or adorable moppet-orphans
8.Mr. Whiskerly Mittens, a cat of course.
9. Sims Guatamala! An Expansion Pack coming soon!
Friends and Blog, who are unfamiliar with The Sims:
It is apparently the biggest-selling PC video games of all time and pays my bills. Spring is Sim Expansion Pack season and I get to work with Jack, Bill and Chris! And I get to stay at the Sofitel Hotel, where I am a recognized Business Traveler, so I've been upgraded to a fancy-ass suite several times and plied with free alcohol by the French bar manager, Bertrand. I love my job. Meanwhile, no news of Brittany lately or Lindsey....Perhaps they've discovered Anusara yoga.
Love TSLerner

For my Myspace Blog Subscribers!

Dear Subscribers!
I'm so excited that you are subscribing to my blog! I'm somewhat low-tech and didn't realize that I could dive into Narcissim in Action and see if I had any subscribers, until today! So, friendsies, I'm going to take this as a sign to write more blogs. I still have to write about my experience mistakenly working for the Scientologists! Yes! It's true! They all were dressed like stewardesses. I wrote a UkuLady song about it called "IGave My Social Security Number To The Scientologists", but forgot to rant and rave for readers. OMG, after the book-on-tape session, I felt like I'd done drugs I was so thrilled and frightened and excited! Infiltration....To The Downfall of Evil, my friends!
Love The UkuLady
PS: No contact from Jenna and Ashlee Simpson never responded to my friend

Home Depot & The American Dream

Dear Blog,
If you want to see the American Dream in Action, look no further than the Home Depot in downtown Los Angeles off Wilshire, east of Alvarado. There, within the confusing mammothity of Home Dept's ridiculously large aisles, plumbing-supply-dazed, yet proud homeowners, mostly of the non-pinky-white-variety, shop for neccessary knick-knacks for their homes! Shopping for dirt today, I felt a strange swelling of pride for all the non-english-as-a-first-language-speaking homeowners who were spending their Sunday, God's day, indulging in the American Dream, being homeowners and dabbling in homeowner activities; which requires a trip to Home Depot for gaskets, gas grills, griddle gadgets....
Outside the Home Depot are the Dreamers/Wanters of the American Dream; the day laborors. I felt hopeful that one day they could join the homeowners inside the Home Depot. I bought a lot of dirt for the re-potting of plants, because I am not a homeowner and cannot afford to put my fancy plants in the ground of my rental craftsman.
Love The UkuLady Lerner
PS: No word from Jenna, even during the holidays! ungrateful slut.

What's up Jenna Bush? Call me!

Dear Jenna Bush!
Ok, I think I've been a really patient myspace friend, but I have to admit, I'm getting a little fed-up! You didn't make it to any of my UkuLady shows in SF or LA and apparently you haven't told your dad to get out of Iraq, because according to my daily newspaper, the US is still deeply intrenched and young poor kids with few options and prospects aside from the military, are getting killed daily, not to mentioned the scores of Iraqi citizens. What's the deal? If you were a really good daughter and myspace friend, you would hold a bit more sway over your dad.
Speaking of Washington, what do you think about Representative Foley, the homophobic homosexual pedophile Republican? Pretty interesting, but hell, I don't blame him! I mean, I like my boyfriends to have young firm asses too, don't you? I don't like them young, though. I like men, not boys. Is your dad into the same stuff as Representative Foley? Anyway, The UkuLady is going to to be on www.RingMyBell.tv wednesday, October 4th from 11am to noon and you can totally call in: 323-603-6300 and we can totally talk about whatevsies! I have to go underwear shopping at Ross soon - wanna come?
Love The UkuLady

Weaving the Web of Komedy

Dear Blog,
Some thoughts (not neccessarily all mine - some from the latest Sim sessions):
1. Coifka - a philosopher/hairdresser
2. It's my time to be a prime time mime! Nor is it a crime to be a prime time mime.
3. My friend, Cullen wants to name his future child Spitoon. And I want to name my future child Petunia. If we have a progressive gay/faghag baby, we can name it Spitoonia.
4. Tsars eat tsnacks.
5. Party Robot! Life of the Party!
6. Liars, Fakers and Line-Cutters. Boo.
7. Cuddle me Cookoo!
8. A true fact: Famous Amos (of the cookies) signed Simon & Garfunkle. literally.
9. Mockchovy
10. Podquest! The next craze to sweep the internet.
Love The UkuLady Lerner
PS: Jenna a terrible myspace friend and Brittney is pathetic and fat! That makes me happy. And Ashlee's plastic surgery is horrifying. None of them will be mistaken for the Party Robot, that's for sure!

Small World is LOW BUDGESies!

Dear Blog,
Yesterday I went to Disneyland and had a fab time amidst the kitsch and crowds. The thing that struck most was the ridiculously low-budgetness of the famed Small World ride. It's built like it was made by the prom committee of FlatPoint High - what the fuck? It's like paper mache kids and tin-foil covered stars, attached with pipe cleaners and Elmers glue. You can seriously see cracks and fissures in the CHEAP cut-outs; and the ride is housed in what seems to be the high school gym shoddily transformed. Only the cool animal topiaries outside the ride seem to have been created by professional artists. Yet, there is something so endearingly charming about Small World.
And I suppose this is why the Imagineers and the Disney moguls at the top, the very same ones who decided the principal role in the Disney feature film I booked, beating out Mindy Cohn from "The Facts Of Life", should be filled by, not me, but an African-American man, namely, Samuel L. Jackson, are the ones deciding that It's A Small World's very charm stems from it's shoddy art class 101 features. I ate a turkey leg, which was Atkinsriffic - seems to be the best food available at the park - found in a cart at the roundabout in front of the Castle. I like the tiki room and the jungle ride the best.
Love The UkuLady Lerner
PS: Jenna still hasn't contacted me. She's definitely not invited to my fake-moustache party I'm planning on having in the near future.

Jenna, your cooter's totally online!

Dear my Myspace Friend, Jenna Bush!
I was googling some images of you the other day because I'm making a music video about our special friendship, which, to be honest, has been a little one-sided; anyway, I came across a pretty private moment someone captured on-camera and has posted on the web. I know that I've gone to the beach and had to change into my swimsuit under my clothes, so I know how tricky it can be...so...your cooter is totally online, and honey, it looks, as my new best friend put it oh-so-delicately, Scuffed. Your Cooter looks Scuffed. A couple things:
1. Does your dad know there is a pic of your vagina all over the internet?
2. It seems like he's wielding an awful lot of Supreme Dictatoresque Power these days (you know, the phone records thing and stuff), and it seems to me, he should have some power over your scuffed cooter being downloaded and shared throughout the world wide web!
3. Who in the world does your waxing?
4. Perhaps giving so much, working for free at the DC inner-city school, isn't allowing you enough time to go to the salon? Maybe you should ask the inner-city school tyrants to Give you a little! Time, that is, to get things like your vagina waxed into, apparently a Heart shape?
5. Is that what you were going for, a heart?
6. Sorry to backtrack, but speaking of your dad and his spying-on-citizens program/getting everyone's phone records, are you at all worried about that? I mean, you seem like the kind of gal who might be a little kinky and into some phone sex? Not to make any assumptions about you.
Speaking of making assumptions about you, I'd really like you to put a little more effort into our myspace friendship. You haven't posted one comment about me, nor have you checked out The UkuLady and the song she wrote For You! I mean, like, how many people have written songs for you?! And this one is almost a ballad! So, I have no choice but to make assumptions, if you're not your to GIVE me a little to go on! I mean, I even had you on the guest list at my last UkuLady show, and not only did you NOT show up, but you didn't even drop me an obligatory "sorry I can't make your show" email. Didn't your Southern mother teach you any manners?
Anyway, Jenna, you're walking on a thin line with me. And also, you missed a really good yoga class today down in Silverlake. Your Myspace friend, The UkuLady
PS: What do you think about that schmuck your dad nominated to be head of the CIA?!
PPS: Schmuck means weiner-ish in the language of my people, the Heebs.
PPPS: Are you not in contact with me because of anti-semitism? Because I'm ony a cultural Heeb.
PPPPS: Can you believe Brittney is knocked up again!!!!?????
PPPPPS: (spears)
PPPPPPS: For all my other Myspace friends, all you have to do is google Jenna Bush Pussy and you will be shocked and awed. Perhaps a little sickened.

Jenna Bush isn't showing up :(

Dear Blog,
I'm concerned about my so-called myspace friendship with Jenna Bush, my Myspace friend. I've had 2 ukulele shows since I wrote a song about her and not only did she Not make an appearance, but she didn't even send me an email telling me she couldn't make it. And she hasn't thanked me for writing a song about her - bitch! What the fuck? I give and give and I thought she was a giver, I mean, she is giving to the inner-city school she works in in DC. I was really hoping she'd show up at my Rainbow Room Sunset strip show because it's so famous and she's so famous and famous things like to hang out with each other. I'm just not sure, Blog, when enough is enough? How much more do I have to give to Jenna Bush?
And I'm really sick of her dad's so-called "policies". Do you think she thinks he's an asshole, like the rest of the country. Sorry, Jenna - I didn't mean to use obscenities, but crikey, your dad has borrowed as much money during his term, from foreign investors as all the presidents before him, since Washington, combined, among the lesser of his moral shortcomings and criminal activities. That's a little outlandish, don't you think. Not that outlandish and assholes are the same. I'm not going to give up on you yet, Jenna, but I sure hope you start giving back. Or at least tell your dad he's gonna have the worst karma in his next life already, so trimming back on the outrageous corruption and lies might boost his chances of not returning next life as a gay-bashed, transgendered sex-slave woman dwarf with exzema, acne, leukemia and retarded parents. NO offense to any of those, but I imagine that life would be a difficult one. Hope to see you at my next ukulele show, Jenna! Maybe we can have pizza and makeovers afterwards!
Love The UkuLady

Just some girlfriendship chitchat w/Jenna!

Dear Jenna,
Why weren't you at yoga today?! We did a lot of balancing work and if there's one thing we need more of in Washington, it's balance. I think yoga would really help you and probably your dad. Not that I think you guys need help, but actually I do. I think everyone needs the help of yoga in their life. Your dad was on the cover of the LA Times today, talking about "staying the course" in Iraq and denying it's growing civil war. He seems to be in denial; maybe you could talk some sense into him. Like, when you and your twinsie, Babs (can I call her Babs?) were caught underage drinking in that bar...You guys didn't deny to the press that you weren't drinking, you guys owned up to your mistake and because of that non-sorority girls around the country totally respect you. Admitting mistakes is part of life, just like your cousin Sofia, admitting she was a coke head. Don't you wish Lindsey (Lohan, of course) and Mary-Kate would just admit it too, like your cousin. Everyone here in Hollywood knows they're all coked up. We also know that John Travolta is flaming gay, but, no duh! Wasn't he hot in Grease? Anyway, Jenna, is your dad illegally wire-tapping your apartment? Because if he has been wiretapping, he's possibly heard you getting wasted, playing those awesome drinking games and maybe even booty call with Chad and Slade! Girlfriend, watch out! Hope to see you at the UkuLady's ukulele shows in LA!
Best Friends4-Ever, TSLerner

A Frank Girlfriendship Letter to Jenna

Dear my new myspace friend, Jenna Bush!
First, I just want to say how excited I was to see you accepted my white myspace flag of girlfriendship! It's nice to know that the offspring of the dictatorship aren't narrow-minded. Sorry, if the word dictatorship is insulting, but I think it's time to be frank with you, Jenna. Honestly, I'm really excited about our impending chick-bonding! I keep imagining us strolling arm and arm at The Grove, when you come to LA to visit me... the state dinners you may invite me to... browsing at Nordstrom's Rack together... But, frankly, I'm really disturbed by an article I just finished in Harpers about your dad and his friends. I know Harpers is pretty liberal, but a lot of the facts they presented, make me pretty uncomfortable with the current "presidential" administration. That word's in quotes because of the questionable election results from your uncle's state. You know, how it is. Anyway, I'm mostly appalled by your dad. Your mom and her literacy trip seem pretty cool. I guess, though, when you ask me over to your house, I may have to steer clear of your dad, for politeness reasons. I keep reminding myself that our girlfriendship has nothing to do with the outrageous corruption and lies your pop seems to surround himself with. He's worse than Nixon! He's probably pretty cool, though, about having boys over, and stuff. I'll bet he's cool with all of us taking nips at the liquor cabinet....
Anyway, Jenna, I just wanted to be frank about how uncomfortable I am. But, hey, my dad's a fairly abrasive New York atheist Jew schmoozer and that might make you uncomfortable! He also really likes Japanese gardens and cheap Asian food, and hey, you might be allergic to Japanese! Judging you by your dad's actions is unfair and I'm going to strive to be a non-judgemental girlfriend. I hope the secret service guys who may be reading this, don't think I mean that in a lesbian sense. I'm straight, are you? Apparently Lynn Cheney has some pretty hot lesbian fantasies, according to the pulp romance novel she wrote. Weird. Anyway, hope the big Iraq Invasion Anniversary Party at the White House was fun! Did you guys have a DJ? Was the food good? Good luck with the Abramhoff scandal!
Your myspace girlfriend, The UkuLady

Jenna is my myspace Friend!!!!!

Dear Blog!
Ah Mah Gahd!!!
Jenna Bush is my myspace friend!!! I'm about 90% certain it's really her real space!
So...
Dear real-friends-I-know-in-real-life,
I now have a major responsibility to my new myspace friend, Jenna Bush and I may have to ignore you a bit. Sorry in advance if I don't make it to your parties, shows, whatevers, but I very well may be hanging out in Crawford, Texas! Or the White House! I plan on being a very good myspace friend to Jenna, regardless that her dad is into torture. I have dominatrix friends and they also like a little pain now and again, so what's the big whoop? I have to prepared at any moment to go anywhere or do anything for my new myspace friend! She very well may ask me to be a guest-artist at the inner-city school she teaches at! I'll have to drop my voiceover career and head to DC! Hopefully her invite will also include dinner and cocktails with Laura and George! Crossies! I'll bet George makes a mean martini - dirty with extra olives... When I do go to cocktails, I'll definitely ask after Mr. Whittington's health (Dick's hunting partner). I'm worried that George won't remember our cocktail hour, though, because he and Abramhoff apparently enjoyed over ten photo-ops together, and George doesn't remember anything! I'll recommend ginsing to him. In a gentle way, of course. I don't want to call attention to his memory-loss, which is obviously related to aging. I'm going to stay focused on my girlfriendship with Jenna! Here are some questions for our impending girlfriendship:
1. What kind of guys to you like, because I have a lot of single friends?
2. Do you read Harpers?
3. I don't mean Harper's Baazar - I mean Harpers.
4. Do you know anyone serving in Iraq?
4.5 Do you know anyone with a prosthetic limb?
5. Who were you rooting for in the Lynndie England trial?
6. Does the Patriot Act get in the way of your partying?
7. Spit or swallow?
8. Just kidding!
9. Being a social sort of gal, are you a fag hag? Because I am.
10. Do you want to go to the next DragStrip with me? It's an awesome drag show in LA!
PS: I'm making cookies right now, as I blog, and it occured to me as I spatulaed the most recent batch, that perhaps the Secret Service goes through Jenna's Myspace and checks into people's background.... Do you think they'll care that I voted Green Party for San Francisco Mayor?
PPS: I'm having a frito-pie party this saturday, Jenna! Hope you can make it! email for directions!
Love The UkuLady

Girlfriend Letter to Jenna and Barbara!!!

What's up Twinsies!?
Jenna, I went to your myspace and I totally respect your need for no mean comments about your family! Who wants to hear some schmuck diss your mom and dad? By the way, "schmuck" means asshole to the jews. I'm a jew, but more jew-ish, than jewish. I hope we can still be friends; not that you guys don't have very many jew friends, I mean, Ari Fleischer? His name sounds prety jewish. By the way, I think the myspace account for your sister, Barbara, is fake. You should tell her to get a myspace. Just because you guys are famous doesn't mean you shouldn't indulge in all the internet fun us "normal" people are having!
Anyway, I was wondering if you do yoga? In yoga today, I wondered that and then I wondered, if you shop at Ross? If you don't, you should totally check it out!! It has totally cute outfits for totally cheap!
Hey, I heard you're working at an inner-city school!! That's totally AWESOME!!!!!!! I love Givers. You're a Giver!!! I've worked with inner-city kids to and they are AWESOME!!!!! So cute!!!!!! It feels good to be a Giver!!! By the way, is there any news from your dad about Jill Carroll, the American journalist kidnapped recently? I hope your dad doesn't let her get killed, because she's pretty cool and definitely a Giver.
I was also wondering what you think of Karenna Gore Schiff and the book tour she's on? Are you jealous because she's a published author? I kind of am.
Come visit LA! I can totally introduce you to cool peeps and maybe you can get your own TV show!! I hope you write back and be my myspace friend!!! Bring Home the Troops!! All the Best, The UkuLady

Be my Friends, Bush Twins!!

Dear Blog!
I just went to Jenna and Barbara Bush's myspaces!!!! I feel exhilerated and I'm kind of quivering!!
If you girls are reading this, BE MY FRIEND! I'm a great girlfriend! Here's why! I'll amuse you with witty quips! I have great taste in music, art and fashion and I'm on my way to the top of the VoiceOver World! A world everyone wants a piece of! Seriously. You guys will LOVE me.
For everyone else, I looked for Chelsea Clinton's myspace and it doesn't look like she has one. There is a myspace for the president's daughter (hope that doesn't piss you guys off, jenna and Barb! There's room enough for all of you!) but I think it's fake. Meanwhile, I'm going to search for more potential girlfriends, like Britney! And Ashlee! And maybe even Jamie Lyn Spears! Thank god I switched from Friendster to Myspace! Friendster is so yesterday compared to Myspace!
Bush twins, are you guys on Friendster? By the way, do you guys read the New Yorker? There's an interesting article from last week about torture. I really am curious as to what you guys think of it; and I don't mean that as a diss on your dad. Nobody can be responsible for their parent's actions! Also, are you guys interested in philanthropy? Hope you'll be my friend!
Heartsy, The UkuLady