Why America is Fat!

Dear Blob!
I realized why America is fat! America is not fat, it's unbalanced. All the prettiest 'n' slimmest boys and girls of small-town America moved to Los Angeles to make money on their hottness, leaving the less-attractive, overweight people behind to re-populate small-town America with fat 'n' unsightly offspring! The Hot 'n' Slim People moved to LA and NYC where they make fortunes on their genetically or anorexia-induced cellulite-free bodies. There is no obesity epidemic in America, it just seems that way because all the super slim people live in LA!

If Super-Slim Susan lived in Witherspoon, Wisconsin and mated with Chubby Chad, their offspring would be normal. Instead, Super-Slim Susan moves to LA and mates with Closeted-Super-Hot-Todd and they create super-skinny, celebrity-obsessed children; the nouveau native Angelenos!

I know this theory does not take into account the Super-Sizing of American portions, which probably caused Small-Town-Tina to blossom from pleasingly-plump to ovally-obese. However, if all the super-slim, triple-hot model-types would return to Velveeta, Florida or Gingham, Montana, America would re-balance itself and the obesity epidemic would disappear, leaving towns of normal-sized people; The Fatties and the Bony Ones, creating fleets of height and weight proportionate people. Obesity Epidemic solved.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I dislike Keira Knightly and her irritating, pursed-lip pout-pose. That annoying lips-poised, pushed-outward look is also popular with the talentless Olsen Twins.
pps: While I admire the naturally-enormous lips of Angelina Jolie and Michelle Pfeiffer, I am deeply bothered by popularity of the collagen-lip-enhancement. I wish everyone who gets plastic surgery would receive, along with their primary consultation, a photo of Kanye West's mother, who died from cosmetic surgery.

Just some girlfriendship chitchat w/Jenna!

Dear Jenna,
Why weren't you at yoga today?! We did a lot of balancing work and if there's one thing we need more of in Washington, it's balance. I think yoga would really help you and probably your dad. Not that I think you guys need help, but actually I do. I think everyone needs the help of yoga in their life. Your dad was on the cover of the LA Times today, talking about "staying the course" in Iraq and denying it's growing civil war. He seems to be in denial; maybe you could talk some sense into him. Like, when you and your twinsie, Babs (can I call her Babs?) were caught underage drinking in that bar...You guys didn't deny to the press that you weren't drinking, you guys owned up to your mistake and because of that non-sorority girls around the country totally respect you. Admitting mistakes is part of life, just like your cousin Sofia, admitting she was a coke head. Don't you wish Lindsey (Lohan, of course) and Mary-Kate would just admit it too, like your cousin. Everyone here in Hollywood knows they're all coked up. We also know that John Travolta is flaming gay, but, no duh! Wasn't he hot in Grease? Anyway, Jenna, is your dad illegally wire-tapping your apartment? Because if he has been wiretapping, he's possibly heard you getting wasted, playing those awesome drinking games and maybe even booty call with Chad and Slade! Girlfriend, watch out! Hope to see you at the UkuLady's ukulele shows in LA!
Best Friends4-Ever, TSLerner