Saggy Pants, Baggy Underpants & Newt & MItt's Repulsiveness

Dear Blob,
When is the trend of saggy, belted-pants-worn-below-the-man-panties going to go away? It is neither cute nor sexy and is very early 2000's.

In other news, I braved Target (pronounced Targay) today for simple necessities like a toothbrush, schedule planner and floss and ended up with 6 new pairs of kneesocks, bananas and a 6 pack of underwear that, when tried on at home, were discovered to be too large.

This is both awesome and unfortunate. Awesome because it means my ass is smaller than I thought, but unfortunate because now I have 6 pairs of unfitting, unbecoming, baggy-bottomed panties.

The good news is it's doubtful they will give me wedgies in yoga class, the most-frequent wedgie-location. The bad news is saggy-bottomed panties are not very attractive and the extra fabric actually makes my behind larger by inch-fractions, due to the extra material. Shopping for underwear is rarely a win-win situation.

Meanwhile, I am deeply repulsed by the political hullaballoo of Newt and Mitt and while I profoundly dislike the cult of Mormonism and Mitt's hypocrisy, I loathe Newt and his Stepford robot 3rd wife. Newt is actually worse than Mitt. It's like choosing between Darth Vader and the Emperor in Star Wars in a horrible game of Spin-the-Bottle. They both suck.

I find myself becoming physically ill at the sound of their smarmy, smug voices on NPR, which is has become unlisten-able. All Things Considered is NPR's worst show and yet they constantly replay it on LA's NPR affiliate. Why can't they replay my friend Terry Gross? Or Unfiction? The hypocrisy of Newt and Mitt is bile-inducing and I wish them both unwellness, shirking hippie-buddhist mantras of lovely-peaceful thoughts for all beings.

On a joyous note, this week The Ukulad and I celebrate 4 years of womance. We are seniors, if our relationship was high school!

Love The Ukulady
ps: What is Miley Cyrus doing on the Bob Dylan tribute album? Really people.
pps: Buying a 6 pack of underwear is ridiculous.

Kim Jong Il is Dead: My Most Surreal Hollywood Moment

Dear Blob,
Perhaps my most surreal Hollywood moment came last night at a holiday party, themed Christmas Island, complete with a tiki man-hut topped by a giant jack-o-lantern-like Santa who spewed soapy fake snow out his triangle eyes and a clam-shell punch fountain.

I and Fired-for-being-Gay-BFF, Mitch (See Blogs from October for the scoop), nibbling on peppermint bark, ham and mashed potatoes, found ourselves seated around an outside fire with gay comedy icon, Bruce Villanch, who I primarily associate with the Muppets. We discussed cameltoe vs. mooseknuckle, the marketability of the new Muppet movie and Atlantis cruises, when Bruce, glanced at his computer phone and casually announced, "Kim Jong Il is Dead." Then Triangle-Eye Santa started up again and it snowed in Gay Hollywood; it was shocking.

My favorite dictator is dead! First Mallomar G, Libya's marshmallow douchebag and now Kimmy, his beige jumpsuits and pouffy hair! Who can I make fun of now? Speaker of the House Boner, upsets me too much. Dictators need to be a healthy distance from me and not affect my daily life, like Boner and his evil-robot/crybaby activities, who would be a dictator if he had the opportunity.

Bruce Villanch informing me of Kim Jong Il's demise amongst the backdrop of snowy gay winter-wonderland, tops my old Most Surreal Hollywood Moment, which took place in an intimate recording studio setting, sharing licorice whips with with Alice Cooper.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Fired-For-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein, will be filing his discrimination lawsuit against Charter Oak High School very soon! Stay tuned for the scoop!

pps: I hope the North Koreans are secretly partying and get to go free! Poor slaves.

ppps: Could the deaths of 2 Dictators be the start of the 2012 consciousness shift?