Showing posts with label LA blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LA blog. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Saggy Pants, Baggy Underpants & Newt & MItt's Repulsiveness



Dear Blob,
When is the trend of saggy, belted-pants-worn-below-the-man-panties going to go away? It is neither cute nor sexy and is very early 2000's.

In other news, I braved Target (pronounced Targay) today for simple necessities like a toothbrush, schedule planner and floss and ended up with 6 new pairs of kneesocks, bananas and a 6 pack of underwear that, when tried on at home, were discovered to be too large.

This is both awesome and unfortunate. Awesome because it means my ass is smaller than I thought, but unfortunate because now I have 6 pairs of unfitting, unbecoming, baggy-bottomed panties.

The good news is it's doubtful they will give me wedgies in yoga class, the most-frequent wedgie-location. The bad news is saggy-bottomed panties are not very attractive and the extra fabric actually makes my behind larger by inch-fractions, due to the extra material. Shopping for underwear is rarely a win-win situation.

Meanwhile, I am deeply repulsed by the political hullaballoo of Newt and Mitt and while I profoundly dislike the cult of Mormonism and Mitt's hypocrisy, I loathe Newt and his Stepford robot 3rd wife. Newt is actually worse than Mitt. It's like choosing between Darth Vader and the Emperor in Star Wars in a horrible game of Spin-the-Bottle. They both suck.

I find myself becoming physically ill at the sound of their smarmy, smug voices on NPR, which is has become unlisten-able. All Things Considered is NPR's worst show and yet they constantly replay it on LA's NPR affiliate. Why can't they replay my friend Terry Gross? Or Unfiction? The hypocrisy of Newt and Mitt is bile-inducing and I wish them both unwellness, shirking hippie-buddhist mantras of lovely-peaceful thoughts for all beings.

On a joyous note, this week The Ukulad and I celebrate 4 years of womance. We are seniors, if our relationship was high school!

Love The Ukulady
ps: What is Miley Cyrus doing on the Bob Dylan tribute album? Really people.
pps: Buying a 6 pack of underwear is ridiculous.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lindsay Lohan & Mitch Stein Facing Challenges!


Dear Blob
The ongoing saga of Lindsay Lohan and Fired-For-Being-Gay-BFF, Mitch Stein, continue. Both are moving forward with their new careers: Lindsay posing for Playboy and Mitch speaking at Citrus Community College on November 2nd. Lindsay will reveal her hoo-ha and Mitch will reveal the challenges of being an out gay dad. Both Mitch and Lindsay have lawyers working for their rights, both are being presented with new opportunities and are swinging with the punches, playing the card-hand life has dealt them.

Some might argue Lindsay Lohan has dealt her own hand of cards, shoplifting fancy jewels, getting high and being late on-set; but what other life skillz did she learn by being a Hollywood child starlet? Hollywood is a ruthless, dirty business-village full of hubris, greed and narcissism and she was nurtured in the middle of it's filthy, but super-sexy, bosom.

Occasionally one meets a Hollywood mogul working for the Downfall of Evil, but they still always have to please the investors. Earth is a commerce-driven planet and humans need to evolve into love-driven humans.

Apparently this is happening, according to a new book on the decline of violence on Planet Earth! Great News! Keep up the good work, Humans!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Popcorn season is upon us! Bring on the Winter-Snacks!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Cobras 'n' Kittens Unite for Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF!


Cobras 'n' Kittens Unite for Mitch Stein! Art by www.Goopymart.com

Dear Blob,
The Update of GayBearManager BFF/Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch Stein:

Some great blobs, news-footage & articles:

1. Mitch Looks Thin, but Sad in this NewsVideo!

2. The Magic of the Interweb allows Us to Participate! An Online Survey about Whether Mitch should Be Re-Hired! Even if you haven't seen the pictures, trust Meep, they are not grounds for dismissal. Why trust Meep? Because my motto is, as always, To The Downfall of Evil! Evil is Hate. I urge you, Reader & Blob, to vote in support of Mitch and actively join the campaign for the Downfall of Evil. Let small-minded fear 'n' hate enthusiasts know they are in the minority and intellectualism & love will prevail.

3. Mitch's daughter protesting against discrimination! We are all swollen like mama-cow udders with Pride! I nominate Devynn for this year's Downfall of Evil Medallion of Action Prize, similar to the Nobel Peace Prize, but without the cash value.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Ukulady's day job wraps soon; hopefully we will have a wrap party with Rappesr and eat wraps! Maybe Anthony Rapp will be there and we will be rapt!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"You Can't Have My Tears!" Fired-for-Being-Gay Mitch shouts!


Dear Blob,
I was going to wake up early and listen to formerly Gay-Bear-Manager-Mitch, now, Fired-for-Being-Gay Mitch on Bill Handel's popular morning radio show, but I missed it due to extreme bed-coziness; however, he and Devynn are featured on the front page.

In other news, Mitch's lawyer is starting the vast paperwork party it takes to serve suing-party papers to Homophobia High, aka Charter Oak High School of Covina, CA and Mitch is continuing to be the best water-polo-parent & money-raiser, hosting an inner-tube fundraiser recently.

NBC wanted him on the 11o'clock news, but Mitch didn't want to cry on-camera. "They can't have my tears!" he dramatically announced via phone. I pictured him raising his fist to the Pomona nightsky as he shouts, "I want to be on TV! I want to tell my story! But they can't have my tears!" Love it.

Meanwhile: 5 Linguistic & Visually Pleasing Words & Word-Combos

1. Kvetchup: a condiment for Heebs
2. Wussies from Worcester (must properly pronounce Worcester as Wooster)
3. Bored Boarders in the Whore Quarter (of the city)
4. Pork Wheels
5: Man Ham

Love The Ukulady

ps: 6. Trilogy: a name

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Power of Grassroots Blobbing: Mitch's Story Everywhere!


PHOTO: The Ukulady's Pet: The Unicorndog!
Dear Blob,
Grassroots blobbing worked! You, blob, using your blobby tenticles, reached a real reporter for the Glendora Patch, who's story subsequently meeped Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch's story out to the Gay Blobbing Galaxy and now Mitch and Devynn are featured on the front page of www.Advocate.com! If one googles Gay Coach Charter Oak, Mitch's story is everywhere!

This is not the way Mitch planned to get famous; he is a hilarious writer, storyteller & Entertainment Visionary. He is responsible for The Ukulady's early youtube fame, getting me a million hits and always has a brilliant showbiz scheme meeping around in his head.

I am relieved I'm no longer responsible for being the Interweb Voice of Mitch's story and somewhat shocked that the power of Grassroots Blobbing actually works. The more I read versions of Mitch's firing, the more ridiculous and outrageous it becomes. I hope the National Corndog Association gets aboard our Outrage-Train and sues Charter Oak for slander.

After I wrote the above sentence, I googled National Corndog Association and found no url, but did find National Corndog Day! Now I'm excited! And wondering if I should start The National Corndog Association... a non-profit dedicated to the advancement of Corndog Appreciation and Corndog Celebration.... Seeking Intern to Help Ukulady launch the National Corndog Association! Must be able to build HTML.

Love The Ukulady
ps: "Look at the Nipple!" I heard my pal say. He said Pitbull. Pitbull Nipple.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

10 Pleasing Word Combos: Day 3


Dear Blob,
10 Pleasing Thoughts 'n' Word Combos:

1. The Trip-Trapping of the Von Trapp children...

2. Kim Jong Ill: When you are feeling sickly-despotic/manical; use: "I'm feeling really Kim Jon Ill! I Rule the Universe!"

3. Tidbit Quibble: "Stop Tidbit Quibbling! Todd gets the crumb, Velva gets the morsel!"

4. Flesh Vest & Flesh Cuffs: Kim Jong Il wore a Double-breasted Flesh Vest with Flesh Cuffs.

5. Pillogne: Pillowy Bologne

6. Muffin Man vs. Muscle Man

7. Ukuladian Geometry

8. Temps eating Tempeh in Tempe, Az.

9. Stage Parents vs. Stage Peanuts

10: Organic Ice: "This ice is organic...."

Love The Ukulady

ps: 10.5. Ricotta Frittata on Cibatta!

Monday, September 12, 2011

10 Pleasing Thoughts: Day 1


Dear Blob,
10 Pleasing Thoughts: Verbally or Visually

1. Minions with Bunions: The Egyptian slaves, hauling all those stone blocks....
2. Excellence Day
3. Fashion Model Fish
4. Spungry: Spunky & Hungry
5. Chartreuse: a girl's name
6. Ganhdi: I put the Fist in Pacifist!
7. She-Whistle vs. He-Whistle
8. Baby-Steps vs. Booby-Traps
9. Christ-Krispies: a Cereal for the Devout
10. Knee Caps: Hats for Knees

Love The Ukulady
ps: Squid Square

Saturday, September 10, 2011

UkuAdventures: Resignation Mired in Capitalism!





Dear Blob,
1. Waiting Rooms are a Vortex of Hell. This week I was forced to watch Gluttony TV in a medical Waiting Room. The only redemption was the fact that I am not actually in a cinematic Far-Sideish Hell and I didn't have to stay there forever.

2. Gluttony TV: Man vs. Food the Television Show is an exceptional example of Humanity at its Worst. If I was an alien mother and my alien child wanted to take the spacecraft to cruise Planet Earth, I would show my alien child an episode of that television show in hopes of deterring his journey.

Yet, the gluttonous part of me enjoys the enormous melty-cheese-heavy foods consumed by the host and I'm interesting in visiting the Giant Food Eateries featured. However by the end of the show, when the host, sweating melted-cheese and MSG, stuffs the last of a 5 pound cheeseburger into his pie-hole, I'm repelled by the Celebration of Gluttony and disappointed, once again, in American Television's Promotion of Excess.

These are times, not of Unawareness of the Dark Side, of which Gluttony is part of, but Resignation mired in Capitalism. "Shrug, sigh, oh well, the '60's movement didn't work; there's a serious water problem, toxic-waste everywhere, politicians have learned nothing from the last 1000 years, human genes will either mutate & get with the program or die-off, so I may as well make some money so I can afford to live in a non-polluted part of planet earth....Mmmm, French Fries..."

When Greed & Narcissism, which seem ingrained in human genetics, are bred out of humans, my pretend Alien Mother will allow my pretend Alien child to visit Planet Earth.

Love The Ukulady

ps: My pal's psychic step-mother (take it in) says that when Planet Earth has catastrophic toxic events occur, like Fukushima, there is a rise in UFO sightenings because radiation affects ET's and the Universe... Time to Celebrate Life Today!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Ukuadventures in LA: Weird-Skin Fever!



Dear Blob,
I forgot to mention I've got some weird splotchy skin condition in the exact same place on both hands, which appeared overnight. It seems to be an allergic reaction, perhaps to plants or dirt, of which I've been dabbling in.

My hands appear to have been splashed with dark stain, the opposite of my imaginary BFF, Michael Jackson's supposed splotchy skin-whitening disease, vitiligo. The weblet of my fingers, when spread like an enthusiastic gymnast, now has super-dark pigment reaching from between the pinkies to each finger-web and the entire fleshy top-hand section near the thumb. It's slightly itchy, now and again but from my interweb research, does not seem to be cancer, thank meep.

Speaking in reading-words, of Michael Jackson, I used to have a re-occuring dream that I helped him, listened to him, like a therapist friend. One night I dreamt my good non-imaginary friend, Jeff Brown, beat out Michael Jackson in Blue Man Group Auditions. I told Jeff of this dream and he went out and auditioned for Blue Man, winning a spot on the Blue Man squad and has been paying his bills catching mock-marshmallows in his mouth for years.

When Brittney Spears was troubled, I dreamt several times I was her helper-therapist friend. Thankfully, those dreams have passed; I have no interest in helping Brittney. Michael, yes, but sadly, he didn't hear my Psychic MeepCall of Friendship.

Love The Ukulady

PS: Fabulous Word Combos:
1. Snack Trolley
2. Diner Dinner Date (Lad and I enjoyed a grilled-cheese date at Mar Vista's 5-star bowling alley diner recently)
3. Sleepwalking Snacktasting

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: The Horror of the LA County Fair & Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch Update!

PHOTOS: Wiggle Wurm, Giant Pumpkin, Man's Neck



Dear Blob,
I made the mistake of going to the LA County Fair yesterday. It was dollar-day and Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF Mitch, his daughter Devynn and the Ukulad, were up for the event.

I love county fairs, being surrounded by cordog stands and shiny, bright rides, even though I don't enjoy riding; however the LA County Fair is like the Far Side Hell version of the Fair.

Several years ago I wrote this song about the LA County Fair; perhaps I thought it had changed, but it is still a Vortex of the Worst of Humanity, including:

1. Whore Mommies: These are tarted-up mommies (usually very young), in super-high-heels and skimpy, skin-tight outfits, pushing strollers. Who goes to the Fair in stilettos? Perhaps they have robot-feet.

2. Extreme Pouches: Like Extreme Sports, Extreme Pouches are tummy pouches taken to the next level. LA County Fair patrons, when not in Whore Mommy outfits, are clad in what Tina Fey calls Mom Jeans, I call them Pouch Pants: usually plus-sized humans in thick, tight jeans, waistbanded just under the bosom, cinched tight at the upper waist (located above the belly button), with ballooning pouches sheathed in denim above and below the belt, causing the Extreme Pouch People to resemble gigantic 8's.

3. Babies drinking Slurpees, Sodas & eating French Fries.

4. Mullets, cameltoes, gluttony, consumerism, heat-exhaustion medicated with softee-serve.

6. Family abuse. This was the tipping point of Awfulness. I made the huge mistake of standing in a 30 minute line for a corndog, when I saw an adult man punch a pre-teen boy, who seemed to be his stepson. The mother stood by, snacking on her fried-stick, 2 smaller boys, resembling the adult man, ignored the violence and continued munching fried stix, probably relieved they were not the target.

It was horrible and horrifying and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to give the punched kid a card for a family-abuse hotline/non-profit; I wanted to yell at the mother to protect her kids and notify authorities of the abuse. However, surrounded by thousands of people, flashing ride-lights and carnies hawking, there wasn't much I could do. The father was the kind of guy who would probably punch me if I said anything.

I wanted to take photos of all the incredibly horrible Outfit No's, but instead, I took a picture with my Cameraheart.

Why is the LA County Fair worse than other fairs? It could be the 15 million Angelinos, disconnected to nature and community, unaccustomed to looking strangers in the eyeballs and de-programmed from saying hello on the street. A sea of sweating humans gorging on shiny-tan-foods in checkered baskets made from trees, soon to be landfill.

We marveled at the amount of money coming in; Mitch estimated one carnie stand was bringing in $40 every 5 minutes.

The best part of the fair is the convention hall of plants and tacky National Park displays with paper-mache wolves 'n' bears.

The Ukulad: They tore up real nature to construct fake nature.

Humans flocked to the cool halls of green chlorophyll and kids happily frolicked on a man-made tree-laden hill with dioramas of fake animals mixed with real animals in glass cases. The Angeles Mountains were clear in the distance, the smog of LA joyously blown away. I longed to be in the mountains, but at the same time my eyeballs enjoyed the rainbow sparkles of the carnival rides and portable candy-snack-shacks.

Positive LA County Fair highlights included the table-setting competition, the quilts and looking at old baked goods in competition display cabinets.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Update from Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch: The school district refuses to make a statement and has downgraded his facebook photos from Obscene to Inappropriate. The parents of the water-polo players have made Team Stein tee-shirts and all the players cheered when Mitch appeared on the pool deck, cooler of water and oranges in hand, to cheer on the team.

The homophobic principal announced she would make appear at a water-polo-parent meeting and make a statement, but she was a no-show. Several other high schools have offered coaching jobs to Mitch, but he turned them down, as the point of coaching was to spend time with his daughter. Devynn loves high school. Stay tuned for more.... Newspaper articles should be out soon....

pps: During the Pig Races, I sat behind a man with the most extraordinary crinkly-neck: see photo.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

How To Feel Better About Life: Thankful I'm Not a Sister Wife!

PHOTOS: SAG Sister Wives vs. Non-Union Sister Wives


Dear Blob,
I've started watching Sister Wives the reality show on TVComputer. My overwhelming feeling after watching Kody, his 4 wives and 16 kids, is exhaustion and relief that my parents are neither Mormons nor Plural Marriage Enthusiasts.

Watching Sister Wives is a great way to feel good about one's own family. With 4 wives and 16 kids, Sister Wives family-dysfunction is Orange Alert if Family Dysfunction was on the governments color-coded Terror Alert, which by the way, has been phased out. I pitied the awkward teens of the plural-marriage family.

Sister Wives inspired today's Mini-Guide To Feeling Better About Your Life!

1. When feeling low about your family dysfunction, enjoy an episode of Sister Wives! At least you didn't grow up in the world of plural marriage!
2. If you can't watch Sister Wives because you don't have eyeballs or TVComputer, feel thankful you have arms!
3. If you don't have arms, at least you have eyeballs to read this!
4. If your eyeballs don't work, at least you have access to audio technology that allows you to listen to the Ukulady's reasons for feeling thankful.
5. If you are a member of a plural marriage family, think of the Donner Party!

Love The Ukulady

ps: The Ukulad is tired of thinking of the Donner Party in times of stress.

pps: I mourn the television loss of Big Love; SAG Sister Wives are much more visually-pleasing to watch than Non-Union life Sister Wives.



Wednesday, August 24, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: Monster Truck Hits The Ukulady!

PHOTOS: Ukulady, Phil Proctor of Firesign Theater & Evil Strawberry Sandwich!


Dear Blob,
I started my day calling 911 and ended my day with doughnut crumbs in my hair. An unbelievable 10 hours.

After an early am hour in excruciating lady-pain, moaning on the couch, thinking of the pioneers, clutching my pouch and awaiting ibuprofen to kick in, which it did, I embarked on an excursion to my voiceover agency in Studio City.

My car was fresh with 2 new tires and an alignment after the flat tire on the 405 incident 2 days ago. I and Zippy Cupcake entered the hell of the 405 North at morning rush hour. I turned on my indicator, checked my mirrors, noticed a monster truck in the next lane, behind me, with plenty of room to merge. I began to change lanes and was shocked when the monster truck hit me smack on the back of my car. I pulled to the side of the 405 for the second time in 3 days and surprisingly, another small silver car also pulled over. Apparently the monster truck hit both of us and oddly, in the exact same place. She had been behind me, merging as well and he clearly did not see either of us. My theory is his truck was too high and our cars are low to the ground.

It was ridiculous being in the shoulder of the 405 twice in 3 days. The truck driver became defensive and schmucky, yelling at me and the other girl in the small car that we had run into him. It was an odd moment, deciding to call 911; I was unsure whether it was a 911 situation. It was an emergency but not life-threatening; there should be another number for Sort-Of-Emergencies; Non life-threatening emergencies.

The coppers arrived and we were ordered back in our cars while they did their police business. Awaiting the cops for my story-version, there was another fender bender right next to us. It was surreal, watching and hearing their crunching crash and I felt somewhat jealous of them because their accident situation was not going to involve waiting for cops, as they were already right there with our accident. We could have had an accident party and networked!

Police report done, car inspected, it appeared I could drive on to my audition. I pulled on to the freeway and got up to about 50 mph, when I heard beeping and a white car pulled up alongside me, frantically waving for to get off the freeway. Thank meep I did, because the white car turned out to be a AAA technician who noticed my back tire, where the Monster Truck hit it, wobbling and about to come off!

My new BFF, Daniel, the AAA Technician from El Salvador, saved my life! Chatting with him as we awaited Alphie and his tow truck, I felt like I was in the movie Crash. Daniel and I discussed God, The Universe, Death, Nature & Pupusas. I got to know about Daniel's absent father and his pre-school teacher wife, whom he brought from El Salvador. He knew my voiceover work from The Sims and Silent Hill and we talked about having children. It was a cinematic meeting and I hugged him farewell when Alphie arrived.

Alphie, a recent UCLA microbiology graduate, inspected my car, declared my axel bent and towed my car to Jessy the Mechanic.

Along the way, Alphie told me a riveting story of his college buddies who were recently beaten by SF Cops and had captured it on video! One of the beaten kids's father is a Bel Air Lawyer/DA. Bad kid for the police to beat up. Alphie also revealed he'd towed Jay Leno's car and Pierce Bronsnan's, who startled Alphie with his extraordinary in-real-life-beauty, even though Alphie is not gay. It was the best AAA experience possible.

Jessy the Mechanic was awesome, insurance-reporting was smooth and Dayton at Hertz was hilarious. Five hours after I left the Marshmallow, I arrived at my agency where I pretended to be cartoon flamingo twins. I hope I book the parts.

I arrived home to Jessica for band rehearsal and collapsed, my body depleted of energy from the adrenalin.

Somehow I revived by 7 to play dress-up and perform songs at a variety show for an audience of Phil Proctor of Firesign Theater and other oddball artists. I wore my pioneer bonnet for a rendition of Campfire Vampire. After the show, Jessica bought us doughnuts, reminiscent of our Churro Times in Mexico.

I returned the the Marshmallow and wearing my doughnut pants, covered in glaze and powdered sugar, considered my day; it was unexpected, but the smoothest, most pleasant car-garbagecrap day/experience/event possible, thanks to Daniel, Alphie & Jessy. They made me want to be a AAA Technician, the Modern Hero.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Lately I've been wanting to do every job I've been around: Elvis Impersonator, AAA Techie, Mechanic, Accordion Player....

pps: Everyone's LA Car-Crap Card comes up at some point. May the past 4 days last me many years to come.

UkuAdventures in LA: Mumu of Fear & Kimmy Jong Il has FUN!



Dear Blob,
Humans in olden-days cultures chewed on willow bark to alleviate pain; I can't help but feel so wimpy when I'm in agonizing lady-pain, popping several necessary ibuprofen, thinking of pioneer women giving birth, sometimes alone and then getting up a day later to walk across the country and on the way, slaughtering a buffalo for tallow to make soap to wash laundry and dishes. If they were near a tree, let alone a willow tree, for pain-alleviating-twig-suckling or just old-fashioned shade, they were extraordinarily lucky.

In other news, I was waiting for my car to get new tires yesterday in the Tire-ery waiting room and the 24 hour News Network was playing continuous coverage of the rare East Coast earthquake. It is geologically exciting and I'm sure East Coast geologists are giddy with delight, but the 24 hours News Network, as per their job description, was ridiculously over-dramatic. Their ability to dramatize some broken knick-knacks was impressive.

The 24 hour News Networks must be responsible for one of the many Mumus of Fear that drape over our scared and plump nation; unfortunately, not a kitschily fabulous, form-fitting mumu but the ugly tent-like mumu designed to hide the problems underneath, designed for those who've given up and are resigned.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Kim Jong Il recently went on a field trip to a Russian grocery store and went boating with Russian Leaders, while chatting about Nuclear testing. NPR quoted Kimmy as calling the trip "Fun!" It's nice Kimmy gets to have so much Fun! Life is Fun! Apparently, Kimmy wants to resume socializing with other world leaders and start "talks" about his Nuclear toys.

I'm pleased the Russians were clever enough to mask the weight of Nuclear Chit-Chat under the pleasure of boating and Grocery-Store-Browsing. I know I like to have heavy discussions in the cookie aisle and as previously noted, the Ocean (or large-body-of-water) is Natural Valium. Great Work Russians!

pps: I love the visual image of Kimmy Jong Il eagerly perched on the brow of a boat, wind blowing his hair-piece back, jowls flapping, a healthy flush on his stem-cell-infused cheeks, perhaps an expensive Italian sweater casually draped across his evil-doer shoulders, a glass of cognac in hand....

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: The Donner Party, Pancakes & Gadhafi!


Dear Blob,
Late last night I made the mistake of googling The Donner Party. After a few minutes of reading various diary accounts I realized that immersing myself in The Donner Party lore before bedtime was a terrible choice, as I'm renown in the UkuMarshmallowHouse for having nightmares.

To rid my subconscious of The Donner Party's accounts of starvation, death and cannibalism, I googled Pancakes.

I did not have nightmares.

Love The Ukulady

ps: In honor of our non-friend, Mallomar Gadhafi, enjoy an old Ukulady tune!

pps: When is that Mallomar going to bow out? Get the hint, dude! Wouldn't it be more fun to spend your senior years on a Mediterranean island doing karaoke and eating pancakes rather than die amidst dusty rubble? What is wrong with these meglomaniacs?

pps: I am a maple syrup snob and refuse corn syrup syrup; however, if I was a Donner PArty member, I would be thrilled to eat corn syrup syrup!

Monday, August 22, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: Fear Propaganda, Velveeta & Seeds!


Dear Blob,
Driving around LA, I'm disgusted by the amount of billboards for new movies and television that base their ad campaigns around Fear. Like whiny Luke Skywalker in the first Star Wars, I feel whiny about Fear Propaganda; "When will Americans realize our society is based on Fear Propaganda?" Whine I in a whiny meep.

When I was on my way to Mexico for 5 weeks, more than 5 friends looked stricken upon learning of my destination and warned me against getting kidnapped. I was surprised that so many well-educated, saavy and seemingly-courageous friends of mine still believe everything the news says. Thanks American News for Meeping up the Mexican Tourism industry! It would be like someone saying to an LA-bound tourist, "Ahh! Careful you don't get shot!" Interestingly, many non-Americans I've met believe that all Americans carry guns.

Videogames about war and fighting, television about murder and crime, films about murder and betrayal, books on sex and vampires; this is what our society is raising new humans on. Since the rise of Monotheism, humans have relied on Fear Propaganda and I find it mind-blowing that Fear Propaganda is still going strong; it's numero uno! Fear is Little Miss Pretty Princess, Gold Medal Winner, Valedictorian!

The Hollywood movie billboards are a sad joke on humanity. Millions of dollars wasted on a couple hours of chip-eating-inducing escapsim about either fat stoners or sexy murder. The Hollywood moguls would seemingly rather buy another vacation house than stand up to their peers and say, "Meep this! I'm going to make a 100 million dollar film about kindness!" Bummer for the masses who don't have the privilege of a private school education which encouraged me to be a critical thinker and question, rather than fill-in-the-SAT-bubbles and remain a frightened chip-eating sheep. I'm a chip-eating questioner.

The news frightens people of the wrong things. A tiny part of Mexico is dangerous, not the entire country. What is dangerous is the Fukushima nuclear waste spreading throughout the globe. The news considers Jessica Simpson's fat more important than radioactive poisoning, which is Everywhere. Apparently the Fear Propaganda leaders prefer to keep humans scared of each other and mind-broadening world-travel.

The pioneers were told by pioneer newspapers that the Indians were bloodthirsty, so they set off into Indian Territory terrified and racist. Genocide comes from Fear Propaganda.

I'm not scared of international travel or Muslims or checking out Watts Towers in Watts. I'm not scared of people; I'm scared of what the media doesn't tell us: that there is nuclear waste and toxic poison seeping into every corner of planet earth.

I'm scared my years in LA will compromise my health because after all, Readers, LA is a Nuclear Wasteland. How do we get the word out that a Nuclear Meltdown Larger than Three Mile Island happened here in Los Angeles and has never been cleaned up? Does anyone care? Attention San Fernando Valley Dwellers: You are living amidst Nuclear Waste! Don't let your kids play in the dirt outside! Seriously. That's something to be scared of, not taking a trip across borders.

Because of the invention of Money, humans continue to foster racism and xenophobia. Poor humans; too stupid to realize positive thinking is the best choice, until some idiotic book like The Secret comes along, the saavy authors making billions off Human Insecurity.

In other news, how can Velveeta possibly be cheese? I was nibbling leftover Velveeta, which some non-hippie-raised hippie brought over and a droplet fell on my lap. I peeled it off and not a trace remained; it was like plastic. The Lad looked up Velveeta ingredients and apparently it is not technically plastic; however, any food that peels off fabric without leaving a mark can't actually be food.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I planted seeds of basil and artisan salad spring mix a week ago and little green sproutlets are shooting up! Its' so rewarding! Everyone should plant seeds; it feels so fantastic! It should be a requirement in school: gardening from seeds!

UkuAdventures in LA with UkuMommy!

PHOTOS: Elvisfans, Honey Butters gets Flat Tire, Mom & Uncle Jhn with Cheri Pann of Mosaic Tile House, UkuMom & Uncle's Childhood House, 2nd Mar Vista Childhood house






Dear Blob,
This weekend was beyond stimulating. I journeyed to more neighborhoods in the past 2 days than I have in the past 6 months. Friday was an adventure with UkuMom & Director Di from Venice to Los Feliz to Lincoln Height's St. Vincent De Paul Thrift Store, the largest in LA, to surprisingly outstanding fish tacos in Highland Park, to Studio City where, like the fish tacos, we were surprised to see an outstanding play.

Throw in a yoga class with my teacher in town from Bali, which, with a tiny foot adjustment, resulted in my first pain-free yoga practice in 18 months. Director Di, in her fabulous British accent, wove stories of being mugged at 3am on Christmas Eve, after deciding to go grocery shopping and being freelancers-broke at 61, without enough money one morning to take the bus and then a residual check for 27,000 pounds arriving in the evening. A transformative and road-weary day.

Saturday we journeyed into a time-machine vortex in my mom’s childhood neighborhood and my current hood, of Mar Vista with my mom's brother, Uncle John, who drove us up and down the streets of their youth from 1946 - 1951. Memories of slug-collecting, a still-damaged pinky-finger slammed in the gate of Mar Vista Elementary, my uncle's paper route, my mom being refused a paper-route because of gender, a nursery called Flowerland, their father's soda-fountain in the now-Whole-Foods, celery fields, scooter-riding down hills; in between the memories we stopped at garage sales, where UkuMom scored 2 valuable works of art for $5 and $20, potentially worth $500 - 1500. Interesting universe-energy that she garage-sale-scores in her childhood neighborhood….

We rang the doorbell of their childhood house and the surprised current resident, a recently discharged-Marine, graciously gave us a tour of her family’s home, which her father had lived in for 40 years. Minds blown, UkuMom and Uncle John wandered around their old house, a giant Spanish style with sweeping arches. My mom tripped and fell against the closet where she remembered being beaten with a rod and she pointed out her upstairs patio, where she'd watch the clouds roll by. Serious vortex of mind-magic.

Exhausted from garage sales and memories, we lunched at Casablanca and then were privileged enough to get a tour of the extraordinary folk-art extravaganza, the Mosaic Tile House. We were beyond withered, but remembering the Donner Party, we napped and somehow, doughnuts in hand, made it to a fabulous gayman party in Larchmont, complete with BBQ/Southern-cooking catering and so many Hott people, I felt the urge clutch my pouch and shout at the ridiculously-hot 'n' slim party-goers:

"This is a Pouch! It's a naturally-occurring body-part in 99% of the Women of Planet Earth!"

Then I decided we were all hot and if we competed in a Who Is The Hottest Party Pageant, our party would win. Then I created a reality television show around the concept and pitched it to my EP friend.

It was a weekend-orgy of extraordinary experiences. Most weeks the most exciting thing I do is make friends with the clerk at Trader Joes'.

The scoop is, Blob 'n' Readers, Sunday still hadn't happened yet.

Sunday: a workday, booked to entertain at the 12th annual Elvisfest. I woke up at 7am, dressed up as Honey Butters, Elvis's pretend manager, beehived, heavily-makeupped, be-mumu-ed and wearing a giant TCB foam necklace, and I got on the road at 8am to Orange County. 3 minutes on the 405 South, one of the busiest freeways on planet earth, I got a flat tire. In my Elvisfest outfit. I thought of the Donner Party.

An hour late to work at Elvisfest from the flat tire, Honey Butters was a hit with the ancient Elvis superfans, who were ridiculously enthusiastic, almost manic, during the Elvis Impersonator sets. Elvisfest is at the OC Marketplace, a swap-meet where you can purchase anything, from socks to produce to a pre-fab house. 5000 people, at least 50 Elvi and hundreds of fans who were acting like
1. Teenagers
2. Elvis is not dead and every Elvis impersonator is actually Elvis.

I shepherded a very popular Elvis around the fest, handed out Elvis stickers to screaming Old-People-Teenagers and made it home for teatime with Ukumom's friend from the early '60;s, character actor, Larry Hankin, and Evil Sandwich, Jessica, resident genius of all things.

We ate plums from Hummingbird Hall, jicama & Japanese rice crackers, discussing the denial of the wealthy, human greed and the decline of human evolution. Good Times!

Love The Ukulady

ps: The past 3 days was like going to a Buffet, but I didn't feel sick at the end and it was fabulous, not sickly.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: Elvisfest

Dear Blob,
Today I will snack on Love Me Tenders, a tasty Elviscentric snack at the 12th annual Elvisfestival!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Love Me Tenders taste like chicken.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: Mycological Meep!

Dear Blob,
Mornings with UkuMommy are for enjoying hot beverages and chatting. Off we go garage saleing! Enjoy this mycological video

Love The Ukulady
ps: Yesterday we found the largest thrift store in LA!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: UkuMom Visits!

PHOTOS: Special Occasion Dinner, UkuMom, Mary Props & Director Di!


Dear Blob,
The Ukulady's UkuMommy has come to visit! UkuMom grew up in Mar Vista in the 1940's when the Red Cars trolleyed down Venice Blvd and most of Mar Vista was farmhouses. She remembers her farmer neighbor who would grill sausage and Sunday meats for the entire neighborhood; his farm is now several ugly 1970's apartment buildings.

The concrete sprawl of Mar Vista was wetlands, forest, creeks and orchards and parents felt safe enough to send their kids on the bus to the Santa Monica Beach. My mom and her brother never went to Venice though, a mile south of Santa Monica. Perhaps because in the olden days Venice was a sin-hive, swarming with rum-runners, low-life, street-walkers and other unsavory characters who might land from the sea.

UkuMom and I thrifted in Culver City, braving the cracked-out & agonizingly-slow clerks at Goodwill, strolled the Venice Canals, where I, sticky-fingered several interesting succulent specimens for my succulent garden. Succulents will re-root, after being nipped or snapped off and multiply, needing almost no care. The perfect plant pet: low-maintenance Dr.Seussian spaceshippy plants!

Our evening was spent in the Marshmallow's (UkuHouse) garden-eatery with UkuMom's magical lady friends, Di the British Director from London (Gary Oldman was once her lover!) & Props Mary the Healer (she works in props and is a shaman healer!), along with Evil Strawberry Sandwich, aka, Jessica of Jessaly, and Sailor Aleks, our neighbor. I prepared handmade cornmeal-crust fresh-pesto-pizza with fancy mushrooms purchased on sale at the local Japanese supermarket. Jessica brought a candy salad, full of blueberries, strawberries, candied pecans & greens. It was a tasty & magical Special Occasion event.

In other news, UkuMom wants a Segway. The Segway is a topic of constant mockery in the UkuMarshmallow House, thanks to Gob Bluth of Arrested Development. However, after UkuMom expressed her desire for the ridiculous vehicle, I see the light! The Segway, is the Perfect mode of transport for Folks-Getting-Older! It's not as shameful as the fat-scooter and doesn't have the stigma of the wheelchair; The Segway should be The Vehicle for Seniors! I'd like to champion this along with the Downfall of Evil!

Love The Ukulady

ps: In other news, UkuMom pointed out that The Ocean is Natural Valium. Always listen to your mommy.


UkuAdventures in LA: Meeping in Highland Park

PHOTOS: Garden with Fake Flowers, UkuFamily, Unicorndog & Succulents



Dear Blob,
The other day was Take-Your-Girlfriend-To-Work Day, so I went to Highland Park with the Ukulad to meep around the neighborhood. What a gem of a 'hood, full of hillsides packed with craftsman houses in need of TLC, abuelitas & secret stairwalks. The downside is the hideous smog, which in the summertime, gets trapped inland, making it difficult to see the gorgeous Angeles Mountains. I wandered around the hilly streets, stumbling upon vintage Victorians and sweeping palm-tree-lined boulevards, which reminded me of parts of Oakland, near Lake Merritt.

The gritty main drag, York, is packed full of taco-shops and ridiculous stores, like SoCal Flagpole Supply. Is there a NorCal Flagpole Supply? I'm surprised there's enough of a demand to keep a flagpole supply shop in business; what are the flagpole enthusiasts purchasing once they have their pole and flag? Flagpole polish? Do the Polish polish things?

In other news, there is a street in Mt. Washington/Highland Park called Marmion, which sounds like an animal or a race of people: Look at the Marmions in that tree! The Marmions of Marmia! Marmions are known for their Marmion hospitality and Marmion cheese.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Meeping around Highland Park, I came upon a magical garden, full of colorful, blooming flowers; however, upon further inspection, the yard was actually decorated with fake flowers planted in pots of dirt. My grandma used to plant fake flowers.

pps: Highland Park is full of chickens; not too many chickens in Mar Vista. The Chickens of Highland Park!