Kim Jong Il is Dead: My Most Surreal Hollywood Moment

Dear Blob,
Perhaps my most surreal Hollywood moment came last night at a holiday party, themed Christmas Island, complete with a tiki man-hut topped by a giant jack-o-lantern-like Santa who spewed soapy fake snow out his triangle eyes and a clam-shell punch fountain.

I and Fired-for-being-Gay-BFF, Mitch (See Blogs from October for the scoop), nibbling on peppermint bark, ham and mashed potatoes, found ourselves seated around an outside fire with gay comedy icon, Bruce Villanch, who I primarily associate with the Muppets. We discussed cameltoe vs. mooseknuckle, the marketability of the new Muppet movie and Atlantis cruises, when Bruce, glanced at his computer phone and casually announced, "Kim Jong Il is Dead." Then Triangle-Eye Santa started up again and it snowed in Gay Hollywood; it was shocking.

My favorite dictator is dead! First Mallomar G, Libya's marshmallow douchebag and now Kimmy, his beige jumpsuits and pouffy hair! Who can I make fun of now? Speaker of the House Boner, upsets me too much. Dictators need to be a healthy distance from me and not affect my daily life, like Boner and his evil-robot/crybaby activities, who would be a dictator if he had the opportunity.

Bruce Villanch informing me of Kim Jong Il's demise amongst the backdrop of snowy gay winter-wonderland, tops my old Most Surreal Hollywood Moment, which took place in an intimate recording studio setting, sharing licorice whips with with Alice Cooper.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Fired-For-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein, will be filing his discrimination lawsuit against Charter Oak High School very soon! Stay tuned for the scoop!

pps: I hope the North Koreans are secretly partying and get to go free! Poor slaves.

ppps: Could the deaths of 2 Dictators be the start of the 2012 consciousness shift?

10 Pleasing Word Combos: Day 3

Dear Blob,
10 Pleasing Thoughts 'n' Word Combos:

1. The Trip-Trapping of the Von Trapp children...

2. Kim Jong Ill: When you are feeling sickly-despotic/manical; use: "I'm feeling really Kim Jon Ill! I Rule the Universe!"

3. Tidbit Quibble: "Stop Tidbit Quibbling! Todd gets the crumb, Velva gets the morsel!"

4. Flesh Vest & Flesh Cuffs: Kim Jong Il wore a Double-breasted Flesh Vest with Flesh Cuffs.

5. Pillogne: Pillowy Bologne

6. Muffin Man vs. Muscle Man

7. Ukuladian Geometry

8. Temps eating Tempeh in Tempe, Az.

9. Stage Parents vs. Stage Peanuts

10: Organic Ice: "This ice is organic...."

Love The Ukulady

ps: 10.5. Ricotta Frittata on Cibatta!

UkuAdventures: Kim Jong Il Should Read the Far Side!

Dear Blob,
Maybe if Kim Jong Il read the Far Side, he would lighten up and the people of North Korea could enjoy the interweb, world travel and reading literature other than books about Kim Jong Il.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I'm particularly partial to Far Side Chickens.

pps: I drove to the Bay Area today! Little is as soothing as the feeling of being in my homeland and I was like a junkie for the summer Northern California Air, inhaling giant sniffs, unable to get enough of it. Thrilling and joyful to see the starry sky again.

UkuAdventures in LA: Mumu of Fear & Kimmy Jong Il has FUN!

Dear Blob,
Humans in olden-days cultures chewed on willow bark to alleviate pain; I can't help but feel so wimpy when I'm in agonizing lady-pain, popping several necessary ibuprofen, thinking of pioneer women giving birth, sometimes alone and then getting up a day later to walk across the country and on the way, slaughtering a buffalo for tallow to make soap to wash laundry and dishes. If they were near a tree, let alone a willow tree, for pain-alleviating-twig-suckling or just old-fashioned shade, they were extraordinarily lucky.

In other news, I was waiting for my car to get new tires yesterday in the Tire-ery waiting room and the 24 hour News Network was playing continuous coverage of the rare East Coast earthquake. It is geologically exciting and I'm sure East Coast geologists are giddy with delight, but the 24 hours News Network, as per their job description, was ridiculously over-dramatic. Their ability to dramatize some broken knick-knacks was impressive.

The 24 hour News Networks must be responsible for one of the many Mumus of Fear that drape over our scared and plump nation; unfortunately, not a kitschily fabulous, form-fitting mumu but the ugly tent-like mumu designed to hide the problems underneath, designed for those who've given up and are resigned.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Kim Jong Il recently went on a field trip to a Russian grocery store and went boating with Russian Leaders, while chatting about Nuclear testing. NPR quoted Kimmy as calling the trip "Fun!" It's nice Kimmy gets to have so much Fun! Life is Fun! Apparently, Kimmy wants to resume socializing with other world leaders and start "talks" about his Nuclear toys.

I'm pleased the Russians were clever enough to mask the weight of Nuclear Chit-Chat under the pleasure of boating and Grocery-Store-Browsing. I know I like to have heavy discussions in the cookie aisle and as previously noted, the Ocean (or large-body-of-water) is Natural Valium. Great Work Russians!

pps: I love the visual image of Kimmy Jong Il eagerly perched on the brow of a boat, wind blowing his hair-piece back, jowls flapping, a healthy flush on his stem-cell-infused cheeks, perhaps an expensive Italian sweater casually draped across his evil-doer shoulders, a glass of cognac in hand....

Undersea Robots & A Box Save the World!

Dear Blob -
Undersea Robots are trying to save Planet Earth & the Louisiana Seafood industry! The Big Pickle, as I've always called British Petroleum, is in a Huge Pickle, as their Gulf oil well spews thousands of gallons of oil a minute into prime Shrimping 'n' Swimming seas. Their solution: Undersea Robots wielding a Giant Box. Geometry Enthusiasts rejoice! The Square, beloved by mathematicians & children throughout the world, is finally seizing the limelight!

Our world has become a cartoon, complete with drama-queen dictators sporting clownish spectacles, like Kim Jong Il, receiving secret stem-cell skin injections to remain firm 'n' fresh; (My doctor pal works for a Korean Stem-Cell Firmery, who recently injected a Top-Secret client in South Korea, who wore a sack over his head the entire time to remain anonymous and was flanked by a fleet of limos & secret North Korean agents).

The time has come for The Ukulad and I, weary of political stupidity and hypocrisy, to begin a political party. We hereby announce the formation of The Austin Pea Party. Our Platform is Peas. We also celebrate the Square.

Love The Ukulady
ps: Where is Lindsey Lohan lately? I miss her missteps.

Yay for North Korea!

Dear Blob,
I just wanted to give a quickie virtual high-five to North Korea! It's great to have a scapegoat country-of-evil to mock and cast as the villian! Thank you Kim Jong Il!
Love The Ukulady
ps: I could use Turkmenistan, as their dictator is a total nut, but Turkemnistan is 1. Too Borat and 2. Too obscure for the masses.
pps: Also, I love the general obsession with Kareoke shared by most Asian countries and their people...
ppps: Heal Britney!