Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, August 11, 2008
My Now-Fat Enemy
Dear Blob,
As unicornrainbow-glitterponymagic peace-loving-Northern California-Child-O'-Hippies, as I am, I can still be vindictive, judgmental and occasionally, mean. However, when that occurs, it is usually for a good reason. Today in yoga class I saw, for the first time in a year, my former neighbor, who betrayed me in the most hideously-betrayingly-repulsive way as possible (details are uneccessary, but do know, Blob, this Former Neighbor took my Dad and I to court, where she was humiliated by the judge for being uneducated, ridiculous and caseless). In yoga today, I was pleased to see that she is now Fat.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Fat for her - she'd probably gained 25 pounds. Meaty, perhaps.
pps: She'd been a bony slimsy-etta before.
ppps: While I am not the slimmest, I kicked ass in yoga, while she and her newly-thickened body, had to take child-pose multiple times.
pppps: Of course, it is in one-love yoga class where I was challenged by the universe.
ppppps: This former neighbor had once been a close friend, not some regular neighbor. The kind of friend who confides in you and is pretty much a roommate, because she spends so much time at your cleaner-than-her-because-of-her-dirty-roommate house. I guess I'm still angry.
As unicornrainbow-glitterponymagic peace-loving-Northern California-Child-O'-Hippies, as I am, I can still be vindictive, judgmental and occasionally, mean. However, when that occurs, it is usually for a good reason. Today in yoga class I saw, for the first time in a year, my former neighbor, who betrayed me in the most hideously-betrayingly-repulsive way as possible (details are uneccessary, but do know, Blob, this Former Neighbor took my Dad and I to court, where she was humiliated by the judge for being uneducated, ridiculous and caseless). In yoga today, I was pleased to see that she is now Fat.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Fat for her - she'd probably gained 25 pounds. Meaty, perhaps.
pps: She'd been a bony slimsy-etta before.
ppps: While I am not the slimmest, I kicked ass in yoga, while she and her newly-thickened body, had to take child-pose multiple times.
pppps: Of course, it is in one-love yoga class where I was challenged by the universe.
ppppps: This former neighbor had once been a close friend, not some regular neighbor. The kind of friend who confides in you and is pretty much a roommate, because she spends so much time at your cleaner-than-her-because-of-her-dirty-roommate house. I guess I'm still angry.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
JetSetting & Sims Comedy Gold!
JetSetting & Sims Comedy Gold!
Dear Blog!
Last week was the most jet-setty week eversies! Within 2 days The UkuLady Felt the Magic in 4 major US cities, Boston, NYC, LA and SF! Upon my return to LA, I took a quickie yoga class with Tony (Remarkable yoga teacher: see wwwTheUkuLady.com song "Kick Ass Friend"), where I determined that yes indeed, minor indie-cult celebrity, Miranda July, is in my yoga class and we have spotted each other's handstands. She's not a very good spotter or handstander, but yoga isn't a place to judge, it's a place to gain understanding and expand outward while drawing inward to the core!
UkuLady Jetset Schedule:
TUESDAY:
AM: Boston - NYC
Day - PM: NYC - LA
picked up by the awesome Don Black (www.TheUkuLady.com inspiration for "The MakeOut Song"), who I don't want to make out with anymore, but he has moved into Best Friend Spot Number Onesies! (in LA). We ate peanuts in his truck and I misheard him call himself Dr. Festival. He said something else, but who cares because Dr. Festival is hilarious.
WEDNESDAY:
AM: Piled-up-mail browse-through, quickie repack and off to yoga where I apparently have gained "muscle memory", because I wasn't as sucky as I would have thought after such a long yoga hiatus.
Afternoon: Burbank - Oakland! for a record-comedy-notebook Sim Session Thursday! Sim voiceover director/Funniest-Man-Alive (tiesies with D. Black) Bill, was in rare form. He had been in the Sims studio for 12 days in a row. Here are the highlights! Understand these highlights are born from 6 hours of speaking gibberish. That's improv! :
SIM SESH HIGHLIGHTS:
1. Ready and…Tai Chi!
2. Color me Crazy!
3. Friend + Energy = Frengery!!!
4. A Ricotta Frittata on Ciabatta, eaten at the Regatta on the Watah.
5. Party Luge to the SexOlympics! It was funny at the time.
6. The Glove Boot.
7. Get ready for the LernerBurger with Conte Sauce (Jack Conte is my teen Sim counterpart). No one's ever called me LernerBurger. Love it.
8. Anonymous Sex Island!
9. Hobosexual – the gay homeless train-hoppers.
9.1 Man Glance! Perhaps what Hobosexuals shoot each other…
9.2 Bitch Tap! A new musical.
9.3 Tai Cheese.
9.4 Knife Eyes! A cousin of the Man Glance?
10. Comedy Wishes: Such as, "Please let Satan invite me to his birthday party!"
11. Jack said, "Thess can't reach because she has Shrinky arms."
12. Chicken Strips at the Strip Mall
13. Fish Sticks vs. Fish Strips
14. The Cooter Computer.
15. A Chair-Hog is Mr. Greedy Chairs.
16. What is the opposite of the Friend Heart?
17. 17. Cherish the Rainbow! A demand.
Love The UkuLady
PS: Bill is as funny as S. Colbert. As funny as J. Black. He's amazing.
Dear Blog!
Last week was the most jet-setty week eversies! Within 2 days The UkuLady Felt the Magic in 4 major US cities, Boston, NYC, LA and SF! Upon my return to LA, I took a quickie yoga class with Tony (Remarkable yoga teacher: see wwwTheUkuLady.com song "Kick Ass Friend"), where I determined that yes indeed, minor indie-cult celebrity, Miranda July, is in my yoga class and we have spotted each other's handstands. She's not a very good spotter or handstander, but yoga isn't a place to judge, it's a place to gain understanding and expand outward while drawing inward to the core!
UkuLady Jetset Schedule:
TUESDAY:
AM: Boston - NYC
Day - PM: NYC - LA
picked up by the awesome Don Black (www.TheUkuLady.com inspiration for "The MakeOut Song"), who I don't want to make out with anymore, but he has moved into Best Friend Spot Number Onesies! (in LA). We ate peanuts in his truck and I misheard him call himself Dr. Festival. He said something else, but who cares because Dr. Festival is hilarious.
WEDNESDAY:
AM: Piled-up-mail browse-through, quickie repack and off to yoga where I apparently have gained "muscle memory", because I wasn't as sucky as I would have thought after such a long yoga hiatus.
Afternoon: Burbank - Oakland! for a record-comedy-notebook Sim Session Thursday! Sim voiceover director/Funniest-Man-Alive (tiesies with D. Black) Bill, was in rare form. He had been in the Sims studio for 12 days in a row. Here are the highlights! Understand these highlights are born from 6 hours of speaking gibberish. That's improv! :
SIM SESH HIGHLIGHTS:
1. Ready and…Tai Chi!
2. Color me Crazy!
3. Friend + Energy = Frengery!!!
4. A Ricotta Frittata on Ciabatta, eaten at the Regatta on the Watah.
5. Party Luge to the SexOlympics! It was funny at the time.
6. The Glove Boot.
7. Get ready for the LernerBurger with Conte Sauce (Jack Conte is my teen Sim counterpart). No one's ever called me LernerBurger. Love it.
8. Anonymous Sex Island!
9. Hobosexual – the gay homeless train-hoppers.
9.1 Man Glance! Perhaps what Hobosexuals shoot each other…
9.2 Bitch Tap! A new musical.
9.3 Tai Cheese.
9.4 Knife Eyes! A cousin of the Man Glance?
10. Comedy Wishes: Such as, "Please let Satan invite me to his birthday party!"
11. Jack said, "Thess can't reach because she has Shrinky arms."
12. Chicken Strips at the Strip Mall
13. Fish Sticks vs. Fish Strips
14. The Cooter Computer.
15. A Chair-Hog is Mr. Greedy Chairs.
16. What is the opposite of the Friend Heart?
17. 17. Cherish the Rainbow! A demand.
Love The UkuLady
PS: Bill is as funny as S. Colbert. As funny as J. Black. He's amazing.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
UkuLady in Houston & Cameltoe FatPouch!
Dear Blog,
I write this from the Everybody-Is-Allowed-Area of Houston Hobby Airport, where the native Texans flock to bid farewells. Everything really is Bigger in Texas. The American Obesity Epidemic is in full bloom here at the Houston airport. In one way, it’s refreshing to be amidst absolutely zero junkie-style-meth-freak hipsters; the Silverlake (LA) Mission (SF) Williamsburg (NYC) artsy hipsters (of which, I’m admittedly, probably one), with super skinny jeans and shaggy/wispy haircuts and eighties-style ballerina flats (although I have none of the above). Although the hipsters are lacking, flats, the shoe, are all over the Houston airport, along with the cork-heeled wedgie; however most of the flats here in Houston encircle sausage-like feet, stuffed into the pleather and fleshily bursting below the cuffs of high-rise pants! Yes, they are alive and well here in Houston! I haven’t seen high-rise jeans in years and I’m pleased to announce they have never gone away. Being at the Houston airport has brought to light an extremely disturbing phenomenon; the Fat-Pouch Cameltoe Roll. I write this dispatch, seemingly surrounded by the displeasing spectacle. It is a cameltoe that goes beyond the Muffin, squeezing the belly of American Obesity Epidemic Victims, into two parts, a vertical equatorial vagina-line; essentially prolonging normal cameltoe all the way to the waist. It’s really unattractive.
Houston Hobby also has an abundance of American Flag garments, from tee-shirts to hats to the previously discussed, ties. I’ve also seen a lot of teen mothers, few non-white people and many skinny-thighed-but-enormously-bellied-women, which makes me feel kind of jealous, as skinny thighs seem to be a genetically-unattainable goal. I also think about how Anusara yoga would really be great for all the Houston Plumpies.
LATER:
I am now in the Passenger-Only waiting area and Aha! Here’s where all the non-white people are. It’s It’s A Small World in real life here amongst the peeps headed to the Capital Of Planet Earth, NYC. The people-color medley reminds me of why I love NYC; the medley, buzzing together in the beehive of the 5 boroughs, forced to interact with one another on the subway, on the streets, in the high-rises. In LA we are isolated in our cars, our huge boulevards and tract-house developments. LA is a medley of peeps, but Angelinos are rarely forced to interact with people other than their constituency. I go to my agency, interact with other voiceover actors; I go to my yoga studio, interact with yoga people, go to gay bars, interact with my gay men. In my neighborhood, I am somewhat ostracized by my Latino neighbors, glared at for asking them to park better so we can all fit, and disliked for moving their trash bins placed in prime-parking spots every garbage night. Crash is totally a right-on movie. The trick to Enjoyment of LA Living is discovering community. Fucking hippie.
Love The UkuLady
PS; Brittney would friggin love the Houston Airport - she'd be amongst her people!
I write this from the Everybody-Is-Allowed-Area of Houston Hobby Airport, where the native Texans flock to bid farewells. Everything really is Bigger in Texas. The American Obesity Epidemic is in full bloom here at the Houston airport. In one way, it’s refreshing to be amidst absolutely zero junkie-style-meth-freak hipsters; the Silverlake (LA) Mission (SF) Williamsburg (NYC) artsy hipsters (of which, I’m admittedly, probably one), with super skinny jeans and shaggy/wispy haircuts and eighties-style ballerina flats (although I have none of the above). Although the hipsters are lacking, flats, the shoe, are all over the Houston airport, along with the cork-heeled wedgie; however most of the flats here in Houston encircle sausage-like feet, stuffed into the pleather and fleshily bursting below the cuffs of high-rise pants! Yes, they are alive and well here in Houston! I haven’t seen high-rise jeans in years and I’m pleased to announce they have never gone away. Being at the Houston airport has brought to light an extremely disturbing phenomenon; the Fat-Pouch Cameltoe Roll. I write this dispatch, seemingly surrounded by the displeasing spectacle. It is a cameltoe that goes beyond the Muffin, squeezing the belly of American Obesity Epidemic Victims, into two parts, a vertical equatorial vagina-line; essentially prolonging normal cameltoe all the way to the waist. It’s really unattractive.
Houston Hobby also has an abundance of American Flag garments, from tee-shirts to hats to the previously discussed, ties. I’ve also seen a lot of teen mothers, few non-white people and many skinny-thighed-but-enormously-bellied-women, which makes me feel kind of jealous, as skinny thighs seem to be a genetically-unattainable goal. I also think about how Anusara yoga would really be great for all the Houston Plumpies.
LATER:
I am now in the Passenger-Only waiting area and Aha! Here’s where all the non-white people are. It’s It’s A Small World in real life here amongst the peeps headed to the Capital Of Planet Earth, NYC. The people-color medley reminds me of why I love NYC; the medley, buzzing together in the beehive of the 5 boroughs, forced to interact with one another on the subway, on the streets, in the high-rises. In LA we are isolated in our cars, our huge boulevards and tract-house developments. LA is a medley of peeps, but Angelinos are rarely forced to interact with people other than their constituency. I go to my agency, interact with other voiceover actors; I go to my yoga studio, interact with yoga people, go to gay bars, interact with my gay men. In my neighborhood, I am somewhat ostracized by my Latino neighbors, glared at for asking them to park better so we can all fit, and disliked for moving their trash bins placed in prime-parking spots every garbage night. Crash is totally a right-on movie. The trick to Enjoyment of LA Living is discovering community. Fucking hippie.
Love The UkuLady
PS; Brittney would friggin love the Houston Airport - she'd be amongst her people!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Sim Season is here!
Dear Blog!
Finally I'm working for money again! I do so much work all day for the visualized millions I'm manifesting via money shrine, scheming and old-fashioned hard work. Blog, I know Jenna Bush thinks she has the greatest job in the world, giving to the poor children of the 3rd world for a week and then cutting a 6 figure book-deal about her rigorous & heart-hole-piercing experiences; but Blog, speaking in gibberish with my pals all day and then lounging by a fancy-hotel-pool, musing about cameltoe on ukulele and sipping complimentary red-wine in the California sunshine, really surpasses The Giving-of -Jenna-to-the-Poor! Some nibblets from our first Sim Session of the year:
1. Stew Kitty
2. The difficulty of toilet-training Hellen Keller
3. Man Ham
4. Ice Skater, Dorothy Hamster
5. Cat Pork Chops
6. The Great Taste of Shanooky
7. Mopaccinos, a delicious beverage for janitors or adorable moppet-orphans
8.Mr. Whiskerly Mittens, a cat of course.
9. Sims Guatamala! An Expansion Pack coming soon!
Friends and Blog, who are unfamiliar with The Sims:
It is apparently the biggest-selling PC video games of all time and pays my bills. Spring is Sim Expansion Pack season and I get to work with Jack, Bill and Chris! And I get to stay at the Sofitel Hotel, where I am a recognized Business Traveler, so I've been upgraded to a fancy-ass suite several times and plied with free alcohol by the French bar manager, Bertrand. I love my job. Meanwhile, no news of Brittany lately or Lindsey....Perhaps they've discovered Anusara yoga.
Love TSLerner
Finally I'm working for money again! I do so much work all day for the visualized millions I'm manifesting via money shrine, scheming and old-fashioned hard work. Blog, I know Jenna Bush thinks she has the greatest job in the world, giving to the poor children of the 3rd world for a week and then cutting a 6 figure book-deal about her rigorous & heart-hole-piercing experiences; but Blog, speaking in gibberish with my pals all day and then lounging by a fancy-hotel-pool, musing about cameltoe on ukulele and sipping complimentary red-wine in the California sunshine, really surpasses The Giving-of -Jenna-to-the-Poor! Some nibblets from our first Sim Session of the year:
1. Stew Kitty
2. The difficulty of toilet-training Hellen Keller
3. Man Ham
4. Ice Skater, Dorothy Hamster
5. Cat Pork Chops
6. The Great Taste of Shanooky
7. Mopaccinos, a delicious beverage for janitors or adorable moppet-orphans
8.Mr. Whiskerly Mittens, a cat of course.
9. Sims Guatamala! An Expansion Pack coming soon!
Friends and Blog, who are unfamiliar with The Sims:
It is apparently the biggest-selling PC video games of all time and pays my bills. Spring is Sim Expansion Pack season and I get to work with Jack, Bill and Chris! And I get to stay at the Sofitel Hotel, where I am a recognized Business Traveler, so I've been upgraded to a fancy-ass suite several times and plied with free alcohol by the French bar manager, Bertrand. I love my job. Meanwhile, no news of Brittany lately or Lindsey....Perhaps they've discovered Anusara yoga.
Love TSLerner
Sunday, March 11, 2007
LARD
Dear Blog!
Yesterday as I drove home from an especially rigourous yoga class, I found myself behind a police car and I misread it's LAPD bumper sticker as LARD. I wish the cops would plaster the word LARD to their cars all over the world! Perhaps the day that happens we will have world peace.
Love The UkuLady
Yesterday as I drove home from an especially rigourous yoga class, I found myself behind a police car and I misread it's LAPD bumper sticker as LARD. I wish the cops would plaster the word LARD to their cars all over the world! Perhaps the day that happens we will have world peace.
Love The UkuLady
Just some girlfriendship chitchat w/Jenna!
Dear Jenna,
Why weren't you at yoga today?! We did a lot of balancing work and if there's one thing we need more of in Washington, it's balance. I think yoga would really help you and probably your dad. Not that I think you guys need help, but actually I do. I think everyone needs the help of yoga in their life. Your dad was on the cover of the LA Times today, talking about "staying the course" in Iraq and denying it's growing civil war. He seems to be in denial; maybe you could talk some sense into him. Like, when you and your twinsie, Babs (can I call her Babs?) were caught underage drinking in that bar...You guys didn't deny to the press that you weren't drinking, you guys owned up to your mistake and because of that non-sorority girls around the country totally respect you. Admitting mistakes is part of life, just like your cousin Sofia, admitting she was a coke head. Don't you wish Lindsey (Lohan, of course) and Mary-Kate would just admit it too, like your cousin. Everyone here in Hollywood knows they're all coked up. We also know that John Travolta is flaming gay, but, no duh! Wasn't he hot in Grease? Anyway, Jenna, is your dad illegally wire-tapping your apartment? Because if he has been wiretapping, he's possibly heard you getting wasted, playing those awesome drinking games and maybe even booty call with Chad and Slade! Girlfriend, watch out! Hope to see you at the UkuLady's ukulele shows in LA!
Best Friends4-Ever, TSLerner
Why weren't you at yoga today?! We did a lot of balancing work and if there's one thing we need more of in Washington, it's balance. I think yoga would really help you and probably your dad. Not that I think you guys need help, but actually I do. I think everyone needs the help of yoga in their life. Your dad was on the cover of the LA Times today, talking about "staying the course" in Iraq and denying it's growing civil war. He seems to be in denial; maybe you could talk some sense into him. Like, when you and your twinsie, Babs (can I call her Babs?) were caught underage drinking in that bar...You guys didn't deny to the press that you weren't drinking, you guys owned up to your mistake and because of that non-sorority girls around the country totally respect you. Admitting mistakes is part of life, just like your cousin Sofia, admitting she was a coke head. Don't you wish Lindsey (Lohan, of course) and Mary-Kate would just admit it too, like your cousin. Everyone here in Hollywood knows they're all coked up. We also know that John Travolta is flaming gay, but, no duh! Wasn't he hot in Grease? Anyway, Jenna, is your dad illegally wire-tapping your apartment? Because if he has been wiretapping, he's possibly heard you getting wasted, playing those awesome drinking games and maybe even booty call with Chad and Slade! Girlfriend, watch out! Hope to see you at the UkuLady's ukulele shows in LA!
Best Friends4-Ever, TSLerner
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