UkuAdventures in Mexico: My Sexy Suitor is Not For Sissies!

Dear Blob,
1. Mexico is not for Sissies
2. Like a Disney Princess, Mexico is ridiculously Charming and Magical.

(2) Yesterday Jessaly discovered the Scenic route to town. We wandered the cobblestone streets of the Wealthy neighborhood, a mix of garish & tasteful villas, which meanders along canals, leading into a CharmFever townspeople-neighborhood next to downtown Barra De Navidad; I will call it Townie Town.

Big News: In Townie Town we found Plastic Recycling!

The lack of recycling in Mexico has been stressing me out. Mexicans are enthusiastic aluminum-can recyclers, but everything else is thrown away, either in the basura (garbage!) or a vacant lot. I've been hoarding plastic bottles for no reason other than I'm emotionally unable to throw them away.

The Plastic Recycling is located across from fabulous topiaries, spelling out HOTEL. As Thessica cooed, photographing HOTEL, a plastic-recycling Townie amusingly pointed out a Fabulous Chicken topiary. A Chicken Plant, similar to Chicken Pants!

Townie Town's cobblestones wind around and down, connecting with the Lagoon-side of downtown, which is lined with Robinson Carusoe-like tree-housey buildings with palapa roofs and tropical hotels. Barra De Navidad has all the ruffle-fixin's leftover from Colonialism, like lacy streetlamps and slim, windey cobblestone alleys. I just realized Wind and Wind are spelled the same!

We concluded our walk in true vacation-style, lounging at a beachside snackery, our feet in the sand, cervezas & chips in hand, ocean view charmtastically grand!

Mexico is like a sexy suitor, courting me and winning! I even met Mexico on the internet! I know the suitor is flawed, as everything is, but Meep! She is Charming!

(1) I'm beginning to physically feel like myself. My first week, I was like a puffy, woozy sausage, constantly feeling vaguely withered, dehydrated, swollen. I finally feel normalish! Acclimated! It may be due to the 10 degree weather drop, as it's still raining (the flooded carpet is still damp & the towels on the clothesline are pretty-much made of water). I'm sure that once the rain subsides and the temperature rises, the Woozy Sausage will return, but ever an optimist, perhaps this acclimation is permanent!

I went jogging this morning during a break in the rain, jog-nerd thrilled by the temperature-drop. Of course I was caught in an extreme downpour, far far away, out on the Mexican highway, I joyfully jogged alongside the jungle, thinking of marathon runners & the Biggest Loser TV show. The rain was extreme; if it was in LA, it would be Front Page Headlines. I wished for eyeball windshield-wipers and jogged joyfully, triumphantly, reminiscent of Shawshenk Redemption, minus the sewage.

Jogging in Tropical Rains is not an activity for Sissies. My sexy suitor, Mexico is a Curve Ball Enthusiast.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I'm reading Mexico books and gaining understanding of the culture; most Mexicans are mixed blood and the Aztec civilization was all about the social hierarchy. Most Mexicans have 3000 years of the Aztec class system embedded in their psyche. Racism runs deep and silent here, but unlike the US, the darkest people have been on the bottom for 3000 years. The Aztec warriors were probably all killed in conquistador-battles, leaving the lower class Aztecs, used to being marginalized, left to continue being the lowest class in Mexico.

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Tacos, Gatos & Thessica!

Dear Blob -
The Tropics are like Munchkinland, brighter than elsewhere, as well as ridiculously moist and lush. No wonder the Latins are renown for their passion; the colors are so dramatic, romantic & vibrant. My skin is super moist here, unlike LA, where the desert is like a baby, enthusiastically sucking, but moisture, not nippleish objects.

Evil Sandwich & Master Crafter (maker of the Unicorndog), Jessica, has arrived! Her first time in Mexico! She got hives the first night from the Mexican-detergent-washed sheets. On our banana-grove-filled drive from the airport with Heroic-Burbank Larry, she asked, "If we were a celebrity couple, would we be Jessaly or Thessica?" From here on, Blob, I will use one of our celebrity-couple monikers instead of typing 2 names.

She brought her omnichord, a little-known instrument, best described as an electronic autoharp. It was a hit with the Bar Reymomo patrons; New Orleans Barbara being ready to buy one, writing down it's name and asking Jessica to find one on ebay, send it to her and ensuring reimbursement.

LA/Marin Ian, a professional drummer, became an Evil Sandwich last night, accompanying songs of cupcakes, robots & tornadoes! It was a Magical Show. I've taken to geographically naming the expats. Except for Buster, who remains my BFF. I'm already bummed I won't be able to email him later, as he leads an internet-free life.

Jessaly dined at Mexico Lindo, a local raved-about-eatery, with a charming tropical-plant-laden patio. Prices are the same as Echo Park taco trucks.

We have a horrible stray cat Jessica has named OC. I said, "For the OC?", likening the awfulness of the Orange County, to the cat.
"Orange Cat.". She said.

OC has the most distressingly horrible yowl; similar to a Peacock, but with a gaggy-throw-upish inflection. Conchita is the Gato of Casa Azul and hates me because I won't let her Inside. She is the reason I locked myself out a few blogs ago. Conchita's number one goal is to get Inside. When the Casa Azul Owners were here with their awesome dogs, Conchita couldn't have cared less about Inside. She enjoyed lazing in the Magic Garden. These days she skulks around the front door, scheming entry, occasionally darting in like a Cat on Speed. She responds to my threatening Velvetina Evilwich voice, Cat-on-Speeding it outside.

The rain has brought the temperature down 10 degrees, an inward-celebration of epic proportions. I was actually chilly last night and had to turn 1 of the 2 fans, off and briefly use the very thin blanket! I don't feel as sausagey.

Speaking of sausage, we enjoyed late-night tacos in our neighborhood at Taqueria Ramos, which was packed at midnight with local young parents and babies. The tacos are 5-star Yelp, with tender handmade corn-tortillas. The most interesting and best part is the huge multi-compartment circular tray which accompanies the tacos. Similar to the enormous fresh-herb tray you get in Vietnam with your Pho, authentic tacos in Mexico come with more! At least 6 or 7 accoutrements to dress up the simple corn meat-flap: beans, 4 salsas, pickled produce and more. A short walk from the Casa, we hope to be regulars.

Love The Ukulady
ps: Sadly, the Frog died. Jessica bravely picked it up, as it finally moved to an accessible location. However, it was an Ex-Frog. I mourned briefly, but as Ukulad said, "It's own damn fault for stupidly getting in the house."
pps: How did it get in in the first place? Must have pulled a Conchita.
ppps: Thessica has been invited to a Birthday Party/4th of July Celebration in Melaque, the town across the bay, tomorrow. Stay tuned!

The Ukulady's New Record!

Gene Simmons, Brangelina, Parastic Twins & Camping!

Gene Simmons, Brangelina, Parasitic Twins & Camping!
Dear Blob,
I performed for Gene Simmons last week and am contractually forbidden to say anything on the subject. I auditioned to be an in UnNamed soon-to-be-aired reality television show, based on songwriting. Gene told me I am a natural performer and I am proud of him for not being dead. Once the show airs, I will post a full-disclosure blob on the subject.

In other news, I dreamt I was BFF with Brangelina and all their kids. In real life, I did go to Jane Fonda's acting summer camp with Angelina, in the '80's. She and I were never in the same bunk, and I recall her being extremely shy, so a tween friendship never materialized.

An early morning question queried by my manpanion:
"If Siamese twins have sex, is it masturbation, or incest?" Wow. Probably both. Weird. I'm relieved I don't have a parasitic twin. I'm also relieved I wasn't born with two faces. Google that one, Blob! A baby in India was born with a rare condition, two faces. I don't recommend googling medical oddities and deformities, before bed.
Love The Ukulady

ps: Manpanion and I went camping last weekend and a skeevy wannabe hippie was making the rounds, attempting to befriend other campers. Luckily, Manpanion wore his comedy Republican hat, discovered to be The Best Deterrent for skeevy wannabe hippies. The schmucky one-world-one-love-hippie saw Manpanion's "Proud to be a Republican" hat and pleasingly, steered clear of our campsite.
pps: Do not go camping in the summer. Schmucks abound, with a enormous disrespect for other campers and the earth, as proven by a pristine emerald waterfall, fringed with moss, ferns, a cast-aside lavender g-string and a dirty diaper.

Heal Britney!

Dear Blob,
I hope Britney heals. Upon reflection, my gay bear manager and I realized we should have put the message "Heal Britney", at the end of "Oops I Did It Again".
In other news, don't Myley Cyrus's parents see the ominous potential repercussions of allowing their daughter to dress like a child whore? And, the LA Times reported that a children's bedding company was recently busted for naming one of their items, a children's bed, The Lolita. What marketing team was like, "Yes! Brilliant! The Lolita children's beds will be snapped up like free doughnuts at a medical marijuana convention!".
Love The Ukulady
ps: Is Angelina really pregnant with twins or is Star magazine lying to me?!
pps: A friend got me a subscription to US Weekly and Star Magazine for Heeb Christmas. However, instead of being inspired by the repulsiveness, I am feeling overexposed, glazed and uncaring of the Slimmest Ladies in LA. That's what starlets should be called. The Slimmest. I hate, pity, love and envy them all at the same time...

Jame Lyn Fever!

Dear Blob,
Just as I began to feel remorse for the Brittney Spears mockery I so enjoy and pity her, rather than scorn her feverish decline into drugs, Child Protective Services Most-Visited-Celebrity status and worrisome maddness, her 16 year old sister, Jamie Lyn, has taken up the banner of stupidity and poor role-modelhood! The day Jamie Lyn broke her teen pregnancy news, I received several phone calls and emails, alerting me and now I have total Jamie Lyn Fever! I even went to her official website! It's not as good as Britney's. I'm most pleased that Mother Spears's Christian Mothering book has apparently, been put on hold. Whatever book publisher thought Britney Spear's mother would have good parenting advice, must have been raised by murderers. I am disappointed The Stupid seem to conceive so easily and while I do not know for certain if Jamie Lyn is below-average in brain activity, her actions lead me to believe she is probably more comfortable reading US Weekly than Harper's. If I was Jamie Lyn or Britney's manager, I would have had those girls on implanted birth control by ten, or whatever age Mother Spears was dressing her children in child-whore outfits and pimping them to the cameras. Parents, don't whore your children out (see www.TheUkuLady.com songpage "Poor Britney".
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news The Ukulady has been gifted with a subscription to US Weekly and Star Magazine, to round out her Harpers and New Yorker reading....
pps: Friends, WASA crackers are really delicious.
ppps: If only Jamie Lyn and her out-of-control boyfriend had just eaten WASA crackers instead of had sex...

A Very UkuLady Return to LalaLand

Dear Blog,
A quickie review of my first week back in LA after the woods of Northern California:
1. Oh right, I live in Mexico. I remembered this on my way to jog around Echo Park Lake, deftly zigzagging past ridiculous amounts of garbage, which included dirty diapers, soiled prom dresses and human shit, all amongst hot-cheetos bags, and dozens of other miscellaneous plastic bags. The bags are sadly interwined in scrubby dandelions, smeared with car oil, ketchup from mini-fast-food packets and cat, dog and people feces. Good Times.
2. 4th of July in Echo Park this year did not include a palm tree on fire at the lake and the neighborhood youth seemed tamer than last year, setting off mostly legal fireworks until only about midnight, rather than 4am, like last year. There was also a taco party and pre-firework nibblies on my porch.
3. My first week back also included an impromptu Friday nvitation to join '80's party-boy-gay-icon, James St. James, on his 24hour www.RingMyBell.tv extravaganza! Ring My Bell's studio is in an empty storefront on Hollywood Blvd, with all-American fatty tourists gawking at the star-studded sidewalk, the hot dog shacks and the porn-outfit shops. RIng My Bell was a gay extravaganza, complete with me and a soft-core gay porn star, who plays a heartthrob vampire on a show I've never heard of called, Dante's Cove, answering the phones together. Dylan, the soft-core porn star wore no shirt and super low-riders, which showed his yellow and red-starred panties. He showed his ass several times and many times was very close to removing all his clothes for the internet audience. James St. James was harried, but totally sweet. My BFF, D. Black put it well, saying, "It's like you decided you were a gay icon, went to the gay community and all the gay boys are like, 'Who's she? Oh, Ok, I guess so. Yeah, she's funny and cute. Ok, she can be a ga icon!'". It was the first time I've been referred to as a celebrity, by James, as in, he's talking on the phone to a famous friend of his, in prison for murdering his drug dealer, and James says to his murderer friend, "We're having a 24 hour show and I've got all these celebrities here, like The UkuLady and Dylan the soft-core porn star vampire guy."
4. The Neosurrealists Wedding in Topanga Canyon on Saturday; they are the Neosurrealists and The UkuLady played a set and wrote The Neosurrealist Wedding Song (see www.TheUkuLady.com later this week). Best ceremony ever; it included a Cheese Break, the question, Will You Still Love Dan if He Votes Republican (yes) and bellydancers.
5. Psychic Dating pilot shoot on Sunday. The UkuLady had a reading from Psychic Dave, who seems truly intuitive...psychic? Perhaps. Another surreal day, watching 3 sets of psychics, including the Psychic Twins, give separate readings to friends. Interestingly, the readings were similar for the same people, from the different readers.
6. Amidst the oddities of these three events was learning Nicole Richie is pregnant! Oh that poor baby fetus.... Gay Best Friend thinks Nicole may have mistakenly eaten a jelly bean or grain of Minute Rice.
7. Psychic Dave did tell me to write, so Blog, I'll hustle up my blogging this week.
Love The UkuLady