Jamie Lynn Spears and Vaginas!

Dear Blob,
Jamie Lynn Spears, 17 year old sister to Britney, has given birth via scheduled C-Section. Her teen vagina is still firm, tight, but not so fresh and virginal as a Christian-valued community member, would prefer. And while we're discussing tight vajees, my manager, who is tight in the Hollywood community, informed me that the renown plastic surgeon to the stars does at least 3 vajee rejuvs a day. I suppose the surgeon gathers the celebrity vajee flaps into a bouquet of sorts, and perhaps uses a tourniquet, then clips the pleats of vagina, trimming the pleats into a non-plural pleat, leaving 2 or 3 vagina folds, which, when un-tourniquetted, reveals a super-tight vagina, the skin shiny from it's vajee-lip-face-lift, like Joan River's shiny sheen-of-a-face.

In other, but related news, Cindy McCain terrifies me. She is so face-lifted-scary. I admire John McCain for living in a tiger cage in Vietnam for 5 years, but he resembles a shriveled testicle and is a puppet-of-the-Dark-Side. I love Barack and Michelle and if (Crossies!) he becomes the president of our pathetic and crumbled country, it will be an amazing and wonderful day.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Unfortunately love is bad for summer bikini-bodies. My winter of making-out and eating sweets has destroyed 2 years of dilligent LA-driven body-fat-minimalzation work. Being less than 5 feet is handy when I need to dash through crowds, but is a bummer when one cookie adds a bra-size. Cookies and the pill.
pps: I'd rather be fat than worried about getting knocked-up, like Jamie Lynn. I hope the irresponsible slut goes on the pill.

Tidbit Nibblets

Dear Blob,
Eight Tidbits from my disheveled comedy notebook:
1. Leg Sweaters - my mom momentarily couldn't remember the word Socks.
2. The Glee Perch - where all the joy happens.
3. Skin Jacker - Like the killer in Silence of the Lambs.
4. Sticks & Llamas, a game.
5. Clamsion - a mansion for shellfish.
6. Shock the Moose. Canadian version of the Peter Gabriel song.
7. A Friend Argument: "If we were lovers, you'd do it!" (the it being whatever un-fun task presented; such as accompanying one to a networking event...)
8. Infinity is exciting!
Love The Ukulady
ps: Now everyone in Hollywood is talking about the older TV exec who knocked up Jamie Lyn!

I Heart Fat Seatmates & Gay Men!

Dear Blob,
I like sitting next to fat women. It makes me feel slim. In other news, I've discovered why gay men go out to the theater and other cultural events: besides entertainment, they also go cruising.
Love The Ukulady
ps: According to a gay man I met last night, Jamie Lyn Spears isn't pregnant by her 18 year old frat boy boyfriend, but scandalously knocked up by some 35 year old Nickelodeon exec who produces her Nickelodeon tweenager show.
pps: The gay man informant works for some entertainment news company, so I feel pretty confidant this information is thumbs upsies!

Guitar Hero Fever!

Dear Blob,
The Ukulady has totally caught Guitar Hero Fever! Lately, whenever I call my friends in the Bay Area, they are unavailable to chat, distractedly saying, "Can't talk now - in the middle of Guitar Hero-" and then they hang up. Over the holidays I spent several days at the hippie Berkeley commune where many of my friends reside; an old-school hippie commune where Guitar Hero Fever has captured everyone with the Heat of Obsession! The Guitar Hero virus nipped at my skeptical-of-video-game-heels and I broke down, adjusted the toy guitar strap and totally rocked out to hot '80's hair metal.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Jamie Lyn Spears Fever has totally passed.
pps: More weighty things to think about, such as the endless cycle of religious fervor, zealotry and tragedy in the Middle East. I'm bummed about Benezir Bhutto.

Jame Lyn Fever!

Dear Blob,
Just as I began to feel remorse for the Brittney Spears mockery I so enjoy and pity her, rather than scorn her feverish decline into drugs, Child Protective Services Most-Visited-Celebrity status and worrisome maddness, her 16 year old sister, Jamie Lyn, has taken up the banner of stupidity and poor role-modelhood! The day Jamie Lyn broke her teen pregnancy news, I received several phone calls and emails, alerting me and now I have total Jamie Lyn Fever! I even went to her official website! It's not as good as Britney's. I'm most pleased that Mother Spears's Christian Mothering book has apparently, been put on hold. Whatever book publisher thought Britney Spear's mother would have good parenting advice, must have been raised by murderers. I am disappointed The Stupid seem to conceive so easily and while I do not know for certain if Jamie Lyn is below-average in brain activity, her actions lead me to believe she is probably more comfortable reading US Weekly than Harper's. If I was Jamie Lyn or Britney's manager, I would have had those girls on implanted birth control by ten, or whatever age Mother Spears was dressing her children in child-whore outfits and pimping them to the cameras. Parents, don't whore your children out (see www.TheUkuLady.com songpage "Poor Britney".
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news The Ukulady has been gifted with a subscription to US Weekly and Star Magazine, to round out her Harpers and New Yorker reading....
pps: Friends, WASA crackers are really delicious.
ppps: If only Jamie Lyn and her out-of-control boyfriend had just eaten WASA crackers instead of had sex...