Purple Cabbage & Britney

Dear Blob,
Tonight as I was making purple cabbage salad, my Manpanion told me that purple cabbages are not naturally purple, but bleached and then soaked in squid ink. Shocked, but totally believing, I got very upset at the cabbage industry for their deception and angrily decided to never cook with purple cabbage again. Then Manpanion told me he was lying and I felt really ridiculous and overly-gullible. In other news, I'm obsessed with a song by Loretta Lynne called "Fist City", about taking out a rival-lady, who hits on her man; but all my gay boys like the song title for other reasons.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I discovered my cousin loves Britney Spears so much, not only did she name her cat, Britney, but she got the exact same tattoo as Britney.
pps: My cousin got the tattoo, not the cat.

Californians Care for Britney!

Dear Blob,
Here are today's headlines in the LA Times California section; it's a grab-bag of important tidbits that are apparently, of importance to Californians:
-Police Dog Found Dead in Squad Car
-Nasa Employee 1 of 4 fire victims
-Britney Spears custody modifed
-Pot Operations targeted in raid
-2 girls hurt in shooting
-a couple more nibblets about sex abuse, Marine contempt and electricity rates.
Now while the news is often bleak and unfunny, I like to have a vague knowledge of topics that often make me feel better about my life. I wasn't hurt in a shooting, or a fire victim and I don't have dead dog in my car.

And in LA, it is equally important to know about drug raids as it is to know that Britney is Healing! A bit of good news relevant to all Californian citizens! Because we were worried. As soon as my Georgia-native manpanion moved to LA, he developed a concern for Britney Spear's well-being, as do my pregnant Lateen neighbors and the homeless junkie whores on skid row. Californians are concerned about Britney! Well, it's a brighter day for us Californians, because Britney and Kevin are modifying their custody arrangement! Upon reading this LA Times news, the relief that washes over me, makes up for the snub I received from Jenna Bush, in not being invited to her wedding. All is well! Congratulations Britney & Kevin!!!!!!!
Love The Ukulady
ps: my manpanion has invented Green Beans that taste like French Fries!
Recipe: Coat Green Beans in olive oil, sea salt and pepper and roast in oven at 450 for about 20 minutes. They are unbelievable!
pps: I hope Britney and Kevin start cooking together with their private chef!

The UkuLady & Trevor Penick of O-Town!!

Yay for North Korea!

Dear Blob,
I just wanted to give a quickie virtual high-five to North Korea! It's great to have a scapegoat country-of-evil to mock and cast as the villian! Thank you Kim Jong Il!
Love The Ukulady
ps: I could use Turkmenistan, as their dictator is a total nut, but Turkemnistan is 1. Too Borat and 2. Too obscure for the masses.
pps: Also, I love the general obsession with Kareoke shared by most Asian countries and their people...
ppps: Heal Britney!

Heal Britney!

Dear Blob,
I hope Britney heals. Upon reflection, my gay bear manager and I realized we should have put the message "Heal Britney", at the end of "Oops I Did It Again".
In other news, don't Myley Cyrus's parents see the ominous potential repercussions of allowing their daughter to dress like a child whore? And, the LA Times reported that a children's bedding company was recently busted for naming one of their items, a children's bed, The Lolita. What marketing team was like, "Yes! Brilliant! The Lolita children's beds will be snapped up like free doughnuts at a medical marijuana convention!".
Love The Ukulady
ps: Is Angelina really pregnant with twins or is Star magazine lying to me?!
pps: A friend got me a subscription to US Weekly and Star Magazine for Heeb Christmas. However, instead of being inspired by the repulsiveness, I am feeling overexposed, glazed and uncaring of the Slimmest Ladies in LA. That's what starlets should be called. The Slimmest. I hate, pity, love and envy them all at the same time...

The First Album of a Child Star!

Dear Blob!
I can't believe people besides my mom and dad are buying my album!!! I already have several sales from people I have not met in real life and are in no way related to me!!

When I was a child, all I wanted was to be a child star and now my dream is finally coming true! I had countless community theater directors miscast me as Raindrop #5, instead of The Angel, Witch #3, instead of The Wicked Witch and Molly's understudy (in Annie - she's the smallest orphan who cries by the window), instead of Annie! Finally I can send my first album to those cruel community theater directors, and say, "I told you so!" I knew I was destined for child stardom!
Love The Ukulady
ps: THANK YOU sososo much to the purchasers of Banned From Canters!
pps: I heard from the UnNamed reality television show, and in typical TSLerner fashion, have been cast as the Reality Show Understudy. Even as an adult child star gay icon, I am still being cast as the friggin' understudy!
ppps: The UnNamed Reality Television show will be blogged about at a later date, or I could lose all Reality Television Understudy privileges and be blackballed from the theoretical island foreversies!
pppps: I'm afraid Britney is going to die soon...

I Heart Fat Seatmates & Gay Men!

Dear Blob,
I like sitting next to fat women. It makes me feel slim. In other news, I've discovered why gay men go out to the theater and other cultural events: besides entertainment, they also go cruising.
Love The Ukulady
ps: According to a gay man I met last night, Jamie Lyn Spears isn't pregnant by her 18 year old frat boy boyfriend, but scandalously knocked up by some 35 year old Nickelodeon exec who produces her Nickelodeon tweenager show.
pps: The gay man informant works for some entertainment news company, so I feel pretty confidant this information is thumbs upsies!

Hilarious Fan Emails

Dear Blob!
Thanks to my amazing gay bear manager (GBM), Mitch, I am receiving quite a few fan letters and emails of curiosity. GBM calls them my daily affirmations. Some of them are totally hilarious and I must share them with you, Blob and Readers:

1. FROM DINGO: I think you might be the single most kewlest dudette on the planet of earth!!! really, we love you in detroit, even though we are the murder capitol of the world. you make all the killers say "hey i really like that girl!" then they go back to killing people. hope to hear from you!

2. Hey,
My friend and I were wondering if you were a man or a woman? This isn't meant to be offensive or anything we were just wondering. Thank you.
Amanda

3. HELLO ! I..M SAM, I DONT WRITE ENGLISH VERY WELL, BUT YOU..RE SO FUNNY!!! YOU ARE AMAZING, AND YOU SING VERY WELL...HAPPY 2008, SEE YOU AND GOD LUCK!!!
SAM IRE

The gender question email kills me. Love it! Love my Killer fans and Love the adorable foreign fan. I love you all, my friendsies and fans. I'm your fan.
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news, the LA Times reported the LARD (see archived Blobs about the LAPD www.ukulady.blogspot.com) were once again called to Brittney’s house! Upon reading this, I actually exclaimed, “Again?!” aloud. She needs me. Poor Brittney.
pps: I Love Michael Cera.
Dear Blob!
Thanks to my amazing gay bear manager (GBM), Mitch, I am receiving quite a few fan letters and emails of curiosity. GBM calls them my daily affirmations. Some of them are totally hilarious and I must share them with you, Blob and Readers:

1. FROM DINGO: I think you might be the single most kewlest dudette on the planet of earth!!! really, we love you in detroit, even though we are the murder capitol of the world. you make all the killers say "hey i really like that girl!" then they go back to killing people. hope to hear from you!

2. Hey,
My friend and I were wondering if you were a man or a woman? This isn't meant to be offensive or anything we were just wondering. Thank you.
Amanda

3. HELLO ! I..M SAM, I DONT WRITE ENGLISH VERY WELL, BUT YOU..RE SO FUNNY!!! YOU ARE AMAZING, AND YOU SING VERY WELL...HAPPY 2008, SEE YOU AND GOD LUCK!!!
SAM IRE

The gender question email kills me. Love it! Love my Killer fans and Love the adorable foreign fan. I love you all, my friendsies and fans. I'm your fan.
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news, the LA Times reported the LARD (see archived Blobs about the LAPD www.ukulady.blogspot.com) were once again called to Brittney’s house! Upon reading this, I actually exclaimed, “Again?!” aloud. She needs me. Poor Brittney.
pps: I Love Michael Cera.

Jame Lyn Fever!

Dear Blob,
Just as I began to feel remorse for the Brittney Spears mockery I so enjoy and pity her, rather than scorn her feverish decline into drugs, Child Protective Services Most-Visited-Celebrity status and worrisome maddness, her 16 year old sister, Jamie Lyn, has taken up the banner of stupidity and poor role-modelhood! The day Jamie Lyn broke her teen pregnancy news, I received several phone calls and emails, alerting me and now I have total Jamie Lyn Fever! I even went to her official website! It's not as good as Britney's. I'm most pleased that Mother Spears's Christian Mothering book has apparently, been put on hold. Whatever book publisher thought Britney Spear's mother would have good parenting advice, must have been raised by murderers. I am disappointed The Stupid seem to conceive so easily and while I do not know for certain if Jamie Lyn is below-average in brain activity, her actions lead me to believe she is probably more comfortable reading US Weekly than Harper's. If I was Jamie Lyn or Britney's manager, I would have had those girls on implanted birth control by ten, or whatever age Mother Spears was dressing her children in child-whore outfits and pimping them to the cameras. Parents, don't whore your children out (see www.TheUkuLady.com songpage "Poor Britney".
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news The Ukulady has been gifted with a subscription to US Weekly and Star Magazine, to round out her Harpers and New Yorker reading....
pps: Friends, WASA crackers are really delicious.
ppps: If only Jamie Lyn and her out-of-control boyfriend had just eaten WASA crackers instead of had sex...

Manitards & Unicorn Cats

Dear Blob!
Here are some of The UkuLady's latest ideas and thoughts:
1. Candy Nachos - these would be very popular with children! Candy Nachos would be similar to Domino's Pizza Oreos Pizza, which got a terrible review in the LA Times. Candy Nachos would be banana chips with fudgey nacho sauce and studded with gummy bears, caramel nibblets and candy corn.
2. Portable Whistling Device - Whatever it is, it sounds awesome and I want one.
3. Manitard - unitards for men. Also Wussitards, for wusses and Shellacitards, which are shellac-ed unitards.
4. Unicorn Cats. Why are these not a common children's fantasy animal? I sense a future Ukulady children's song in the distance.... (I have a children's UkuLady show at Palm Spring's Pride and am having difficulty not writing about socio-political issues.)
5. Prep Shrimp - this is not a cooking instruction, but a clique of preppy shrimp at a shrimp high school. Prawns in collar alligator shirts, reminiscent of James Spader in Pretty in Pink.
6. Le Cool. A brand. Or a beverage.
7. Sex Quilt, The Band.
8. Turtleneck, The Movie.
9. Teen Kabobs, A Snack.
10. Ant Magic! A Game.
11. Cumin Human, a great rhyme. Or a seasoned dish for cannibals.
And finally, some advice from The UkuLady: You've got to Invite The Magic.
Love The UkuLady
ps: Britney is once again, redoing her website. Alas, the Get Well Britney Mailbox has been dismantled and encouraging global messages like, "Heal Britney!" Shep, Australia, are sadly, gone.
pps: You've got to be really fucked up to have custody of your children be given over to Kenvin Federline.