Summary of the South

Dear Blob,
The Ukulady’s Fantasy Southern Love Vacation has concluded, leaving me plumper, well-pampered by my True Love (TR) and finally-decompressed from LA’s unnecessary and ever-present over-adrenalined, urgency, which will probably return after 24 hours in LA. Like the rest of the world, the Deep South is a place of contrasting realities, stereotypes and hypocrisy; world-class Watts Towers/Gaudi Towers-level folk art called Pasaquan (www.pasaquan.org) alongside supersize Wal-Marts and fast-food chains; authentic warmth and hospitality hand-in-hand with racism and homophobia. Most strikingly, I found the South to be a land of many sad people living unsatisfying, unhappy lives and looking to the patriarchal God for meaning, community and a sense of belonging. Amidst the sad people accepting of a common chain-restaurant life, are many truly extraordinary people, artists, thinkers, historians, and activists. The Deep South is bleakly beautiful; old brick factories, red geologically-phenomenal earth formations and millions of trees in bloom, a relieving optical distraction from Krystal Burger, NeedGod.com billboards and churches everywhere. The Bible Belt is a fitting name. Even the seemingly-millions of churches in LA cannot compare to the millions-more churches, friggin’ everywhere in the South.

Aside from religion and a-pretty-much- lack of Latino and Asian people, the cultural differences of California and the Deep South are mostly food-related; people drink soda instead of water, avocados are still uncommon and hummus hasn’t reached the masses yet. Trader Joes just opened in Atlanta, so it won’t be long until Soy Crisps and mango salsa are consumed alongside fried pickles and butter beans. I experienced Waffle House, Cracker Barrel and a Dairy Queen. Warning – the DQ’s small Blizzard is Huge – too much to finish and I’m an ice cream loving, waste-hating Heeb. I had to throw ice cream away for the first time in my life. Also, Reader, heed warning of the breakfast gravy at Cracker Barrel. I only had a tiny taste and its pig-waste, garbage-ee flavor almost made me gag. Cracker Barrel gravy tastes like food of the poor –an attempt to make something out of nothing and using what is available; in this case, it seemed to be rancid lard. The South is truly swollen with very large people. A body considered plump or chubby in CA is seen as normal to slim in the South. Fat is politely called “big boned” and I have no doubt that another week in the South would have added five pounds to my, as once described by a theater critic 10 pounds ago, “zaftig” frame. The temptation of “down-home cooking” and homemade pie everywhere, constantly taunted me: “Ukulady, you must sample All the homemade pie of the South!” The best was a Mason jar of banana pudding with Nilla Wafers and sugar-glazed meringue at a barbecue eatery in Columbus, GA, called Country’s.

My final night in the Deep South TR and I went bowling. We stumbled upon dollar Bud-pitcher night at Peachtree Lanes and I was simultaneously repulsed and fascinated to bowl alongside a clutch, fleet, murder or perhaps the appropriate word is Keg-Party of Southern Frat boys and their Abercrombie & Fitch-clad women. The drunken bowling Keg Party of Frat People were complete jackasses, as TR calls them (I call them Schmucks), loud, abrasive and identical. The women wore low-cut jean-capris, tight breast-accentuating shirts and all of their perfectly-mussed ponytail/buns had snug, low-brimmed caps shading their heavily-mascara-ed eyes. Their men, boys really, chewed tobacco, clutched cups for spitting and wore flip-flops. Kegs of Frat People are everywhere, but the South has an unfortunately high-percentage of them, my Southern-born TR revealed to me. His distaste towards them allows no room for the amusement I found in them, due to his life dealing with their constant jackassery. I felt lucky to have been raised in the uber-progressive unreality of the Bay Area, CA, where Kegs of Frat People are the minority.

My TR and I are from the same planet, thought & value-wise, but his Southern world is a place where bohemians, dorks and artists are the minority, fleeing after graduations and leaving the land to be ruled by the rednecks and jackasses. Where as I come from the land ruled by Nerds.

Five Nibblets of Note:
1. Kiss Mittens – mittens made out of kisses.
2. Lateen Wolf – see preceding vlog.
3. Sex Fort – the fort of sheets in a Getting’ Busy Bed; but you have to sing it, “Sex Fort! A Fort for Sex!”
4. Java for Jehovah – this is a real coffee bar at a mega-church in the South.
5. Turtles are called Cooters in the South – there are menus, apparently, with Cooter Soup, on them.
6.
Love The Ukulady
Ps: Jenna Bush did not show up at any of my Southern shows. Bitch.

Jame Lyn Fever!

Dear Blob,
Just as I began to feel remorse for the Brittney Spears mockery I so enjoy and pity her, rather than scorn her feverish decline into drugs, Child Protective Services Most-Visited-Celebrity status and worrisome maddness, her 16 year old sister, Jamie Lyn, has taken up the banner of stupidity and poor role-modelhood! The day Jamie Lyn broke her teen pregnancy news, I received several phone calls and emails, alerting me and now I have total Jamie Lyn Fever! I even went to her official website! It's not as good as Britney's. I'm most pleased that Mother Spears's Christian Mothering book has apparently, been put on hold. Whatever book publisher thought Britney Spear's mother would have good parenting advice, must have been raised by murderers. I am disappointed The Stupid seem to conceive so easily and while I do not know for certain if Jamie Lyn is below-average in brain activity, her actions lead me to believe she is probably more comfortable reading US Weekly than Harper's. If I was Jamie Lyn or Britney's manager, I would have had those girls on implanted birth control by ten, or whatever age Mother Spears was dressing her children in child-whore outfits and pimping them to the cameras. Parents, don't whore your children out (see www.TheUkuLady.com songpage "Poor Britney".
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news The Ukulady has been gifted with a subscription to US Weekly and Star Magazine, to round out her Harpers and New Yorker reading....
pps: Friends, WASA crackers are really delicious.
ppps: If only Jamie Lyn and her out-of-control boyfriend had just eaten WASA crackers instead of had sex...

Blaming Satan

Dear Blob,
I am disappointed, repulsed and appalled by the New Life Church Christians in Colorado, who's community was recently rampaged by an 18 year old gunman church member. This morning's LA Times dedicated 3/4 page article to the New Life Church survivors, who, in questioning why an 18 year boy would take a gun to his community, blamed, Satan. To the evangelists of New Life Church, their tragedy is not an opportunity to engage in critical discussion, but to be lazy and anti-intellectual. By choosing to blame Satan, the church members take no responsibility for who their community created, a troubled angry teenager. Blaming Satan removes the opportunity for real change in our troubled, scary world. Teenagers are angry and disillusioned and capitalism is anti-community, anti-sharing; so, lonely people take solace in churches, which offer answers to the unanswerable. However, when a community's only answer to this kind of situation is Satan, the chance to create change, is lost. Change can only come from critical thinking and discussion, both of which are learned skills. I'm sad these integral skills to humanity's evolution are not being taught in America's public schools. No wonder ET's are totally uninterested in visiting planet earth. Collectively, we're so stupid.
Love The UkuLady
ps: In other news, my amazing myspace friend, Sarahcakes, 17 yrs, of NY, sketched an awesome drawing of The UkuLady, which is her featured picture. My narcissism meter shot off the charts when I saw it - smoochies & thanksies!
pps: To my Christian myspace friendsies - please work on changing the blinder-mentality of the evangelists - thanksies!
ppps: To The Downfall of Evil! (which is not Satan, but blinder-mentality, anti-intellectualism, anti-questioning - fear)

My First Hate Email!

Dear Blob!
I've arrived! I got my first Hate Email today! And of course it is from a hypocritical Christian, who has apparently forgotten about the Love our good friend Jesus, preached. Here's what Worship Leader, Tracy Vines, has to say about me:

FROM THE UKULADY'S MYSPACE INBOX:
I went to your page to see what you are all about and was not pleasantly surprised. I see that we have absolutely nothing in common and do not even know why you would send me a friends request. Do you not look at profiles before you send them? If you don't, you might want to consider that in the future. I am a worship leader and find your content disturbing, in bad taste, and not the least bit humorous. So, I am sending this to ask "Why?" would you even want me on your friends list? Are you in a contest to see who can collect the most friends?
Tracy Vines
p.s. No need to comment back, I won't read it anyway.

THANK YOU TRACY! Glad I made you so upset that you took time out of your busy schedule to reinforce the hypocrisy of Christians. If she had a sense of humor, she would hear that The UkuLady's message is all about Peace and Love. After all, I am a hippie!
Love The UkuLady
PS: I love how she says she was not pleasantly surprised.
PPS: I'm so excited to quote Tracy Vines on my publicity! Always send out Love to the Haters.

Jenna's Engagement!!!

Dear Blob!
Exciting news! My myspace friend, Jenna Bush, is engaged to be married! While this news was reported in the LA Times and other publications, she hasn't sent out an announcement to her myspace friends yet. She's probably been too busy with the challenges of her job! Jenna and her mom, Laura Bush, are co-writing a children's book! They are such role models for mothers and daughters everywhere! I really admire their dedication to American children's literacy! Hopefully they will extend that dedication to the global youth village and write something uplifting and charmingly witty, for the kids of Iraq.
Meanwhile, I'm crossing my UkuLady fingers that You Know Who will be asked to be in the wedding party, or maybe write a special love song for Jenna's special day.... I'll write her a special What-To-Expect-When-You-Lose-Your-Virginity song, as we all know Jenna is an upstanding young Right-Wing Christian and if there's one thing that's important to the Evangelicals, it's an unmarred vagina marching down the aisle. Hopefully her fiance isn't like all the Right-Wing Christian Senators who've recently been caught molesting boys and soliciting gay sex in men's restrooms. As Jenna's myspace friend, I am protective over her and wouldn't want her to catch an STD on her special virginity-losing-wedding night!
Love The UkuLady
PS: I saw a yarn store in Chatsworth today called Hooker's Haven. Chatsworth, is apparently the porn capital of the world.
PPS: Pumice & Hummus - twinsies!

Ode To Tammy Faye!

Me and The Barfy Cameron Christians!

Dear Blog,
I write this, weary, exhausted and slightly sickened from my morning meeting/experience with Kirk and Candace Cameron's extremely right-wing evangelical Christian production company. I went seeking comedy material for this blog, for you, me dear readers, and once again learned that you cannot seek out comedy. It comes to you. And comedy rarely is worth the exhaustion of dealing with Christians. So Mrs. Cameron, 80's stage mother extraordinaire, runs a talent promotions company and they received my headshot/resume, after my mass mailing. They called me for a meeting.
After checking out their christian-overtoned website, I knew the meeting would be pointless, aside from the propect of good comedy material. It was barely that. On Tuesday I met with a fabulous agent who had worked at my SF agency, was a Mill Valley hippie/jeweler (like my mom), worked at the Renaissance Faire (like me) and knew all about Berkeley Rep, The Magic and we knew all sorts of SF theater peeps in common. She was highly impressed with my theater-heavy resume. The smarmy christians were puzzled by my theater credits and noted my resume lacked tv and film credits (duh).
Granted, they were very kind. The first question Shirlene, the stage-mother extraordinaire, who at the top of the meeting told me all about her 7 year old's recent guest appearance on Grey's Anatomy, asked me, was: what did I want for my career. I told her I want to be a Gay Icon with my own show. She was definitely taken aback. She said, "Like on a sit-com because you'd be perfect for a Disney Channel show! You look so young!" I said, "no, like the Sarah Silverman Program or PeeWee's playhouse." Later, in retrospect, I wondered if she and the company are anti-gay christians. She asked me to play a song on my ukulele, and I considered, playing Sunday Worship, the UkuLady's song about taking ecstacy, having sex and going to gay weddings on sundays, but I decided against it. I was there to try and play their game, pretend to be Christian. Literally, in this 10 minute meeting, Shirlene must have brought up her Christianity 5-10 times.
The best part of the meeting was Shirlene gushing about how Young I look. I was getting worried that I look old, but Shirlene assured me, thrilled, that "I look So young, but have so much adult confidence!" I wish I could say my time wasn't wasted, but the meeting was a total waste of time. And they were playing awful christian rock in the waiting room. It was also way-the-fuck in ventura county! Luckily, I have a mover/shaker friend from circus camp, who is editing a movie out in Thousand Oaks and after a rigorous tennis match, he was pleased to have lunch with an old friend, who is safely not an ass-seeking LA schmoozer.
Meanwhile, I feel Thousand Oaks should be called Christianland. Shirlene was plump with an Alice-in-Wonderland hair band and she was genuinely pleased that "I am a real person, not a phony and don't change a thing about yourself!" I was hoping for some face time with Barbara Cameron, who has recently written a book about raising "Godly" children in hollywood, but alas she wasn't in the office and I sure as hell am never going back there.
Now friends-of whatever religion-you-may-be, I feel I have respect for world religions (kind of) but I find the self-righteousness of Christians nauseatingly Distasteful and believe Christianity to be the most Hypocritical of the religions. Especially the white WalMarty kind of Christians who favor Glade plug-in air-freshener and drink cheap liquor on the sly, when they drink at all. I think all Christians should take some good acid or mushrooms and chill out.
I can't believe Anna Nicole Smith just died! A blog on that coming soon!!!
Love Miss Pagan-Buddhist-ish-Heebish-Hipsteirish Lerner