UkuAdventures in LA: Elvisfest

Dear Blob,
Today I will snack on Love Me Tenders, a tasty Elviscentric snack at the 12th annual Elvisfestival!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Love Me Tenders taste like chicken.

UkuAdventures in Mexico: Garbage, Rednecks & Bolillos!

Dear Blob,
1. Has anyone invented a Sunscreen/Bug Repellent? If not, it's an untapped billion-dollar market.

2. Mexico is not Shabby/Chic, but Shabby/Charming; Charmingly Shabby. Our Barrio is flush with Colorful Cinderblock shacks betwixt Disney-esque Swiss Family Robinson-ee Villas. Most dwellings are one story with rebar sticking up, in anticipation of a second story and to avoid taxes. If a building has rebar sticking up, it is untaxable! No worries if a fleet of Giants come to Mexico; their eyeballs will be plucked out by the rebar and they will blindly trip over the chickens.

3. Mexicans are total Litterbugs. The garbage in Beautiful Nature is overwhelming, deeply distressing and difficult for me to understand. Beauty is not subjective when it comes to Nature. All humans want to view Pretty, yet in Mexico, there is garbage almost everywhere.

At the Sunset-Beach spot, we watched an adorable girl, about 4, instinctively clean up plastic bottles from the beach. She asked her mom what to do with it and her mom waved her hand. The little girl, highly concerned, tossed the bottle back on the beach. Confused and worried, she couldn't leave it there, but re-picked it up and placed it on the sidewalk. Her mom, seemingly, couldn't care less and in fact, told her to throw it back onto the beach. The child's human instinct was to clean up the trash. When does this change in the Mexican's citizen's childhood? Southeast Asia was the same; garbage everywhere.

4. There are Rednecks everywhere. They also ride in trucks here and toss beer cans out the window. However, the difference is the back of their pickups are usually full of at least a dozen people, which is legal here. The record, I've seen is about 12 or 13 people.

5. We biked to Melaque, about 20 minutes away, along the Mexican highway and discovered the 400 year old bakery, which, around 2:30 paddles out out hot, fresh, crusty, baguettes, called bolillos. The baker wields a long paddle with about 4 or 5 loaves along it, and slides them into an ancient clay oven. It was the most delicious dough product I've ever eaten. The Like in LA, Mexican men love to hoot and whistle at ladies on bikes. Douchebags are everywhere.

6. How I feel about kids, Jessica feels about dogs. Every pero we see, she coos and meeps. Every kid I see, I coo and meep! I've befriended the neighbor children, bribing them with mangoes. Angel, who must be about 3, was brave enough to come over alone and ask for a mango. His sister, perhaps 7, is always riding a bike far too large for her. They are the cutest, most delightfully adorable snacks-of-children I've seen in a long time.

Love The Ukulady
ps: Sunset is Ridiculous here. Total Show-off! The Calvin Klein Underwear Super-Model of Sunsets!
pps: Jessaly are both working on music albums and recording is going well. However, mid-day recording is tricky; it's the best time to work, as being outside is torturous, but the fan needs to be off, resulting in sweat pouring down my back and pooling in my panties. Short bursts of Fanless work is the key.

My Now-Fat Enemy

Dear Blob,
As unicornrainbow-glitterponymagic peace-loving-Northern California-Child-O'-Hippies, as I am, I can still be vindictive, judgmental and occasionally, mean. However, when that occurs, it is usually for a good reason. Today in yoga class I saw, for the first time in a year, my former neighbor, who betrayed me in the most hideously-betrayingly-repulsive way as possible (details are uneccessary, but do know, Blob, this Former Neighbor took my Dad and I to court, where she was humiliated by the judge for being uneducated, ridiculous and caseless). In yoga today, I was pleased to see that she is now Fat.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Fat for her - she'd probably gained 25 pounds. Meaty, perhaps.
pps: She'd been a bony slimsy-etta before.
ppps: While I am not the slimmest, I kicked ass in yoga, while she and her newly-thickened body, had to take child-pose multiple times.
pppps: Of course, it is in one-love yoga class where I was challenged by the universe.
ppppps: This former neighbor had once been a close friend, not some regular neighbor. The kind of friend who confides in you and is pretty much a roommate, because she spends so much time at your cleaner-than-her-because-of-her-dirty-roommate house. I guess I'm still angry.

A Big Weekend

The Korean Spa Blog - Spa Blog!

Dear Blog,
I paid to have a Korean lady wearing black lace panties and bra, slough my nude body free of several layers of skin cells. As I lay porcine-like, on the Korean Spa’s slippery vinyl sloughing-table, the scantilly-clad spa-lady gruntingly sloughing, dangerously close to my vajayjay and all I could think of was, “Please don’t touch my vagina by mistake!” and then the mantra became, “Please don’t touch my vagina by mistake again!”
Then the Sloughers, all dressed in black bra and panties, began to chat amongst themselves in Korean and I became paranoid that they were judging me and my imperfect body and simultaneously were appalled at the amount of skin they were sloughing off; and then It occurred to me that this is what it is like to be quadrapalegic or extremely rich; and then I opened my eyes and found myself face to face with the Slougher’s own vagina, barely concealed by her possibly Ross Dress for Less polyester panties. And the Slougher scrubbed my boobs in repeated concentric motions and I couldn’t believe I had Paid to have this done to me; and I thought, “Please stop rubbing my breasts in concentric circles!” And then I realized I was wasting my spa-treatment by not relaxing into The Zone. So I tried to enjoy the pampering, the tactile sensations and considered how dead-skin-free I would soon be.
Then came the Milk Bath. Seriously. My eyes were shut, but I later saw the Black-Panty-Spa-Ladies using actual gallons of milk one might purchase at Albertsons. They poured milk all over me and instructed me, through hand signals, to wash my face in the milk. I complied. Then came the oil-massage rub-down and a cucumber-mash smeared on my face. The oil-massage consisted of a lot more of my ass being vigorously rubbed by a woman who up until now, was a stranger, but she had transformed into someone with a far more intimate knowledge of my body than pretty much anyone in the past month. My breasts were again concentrically-moisturized and frighteningly, Black-Panty-Spa-Lady’s hands repeatedly came dangerously close, by mistake, to the intimate crannies of my imperfect, but freshly-sloughed, body.
At the end, I felt renewed, moisturized and extremely clean. I would probably go back.
Love The UkuLady
PS: Today Victoria Beckham is on the front page of the LA Times. The urgent news demanded of their newspaper by Angelenos never stops.