Money-Saving Tips for Lindsey Lohan!

Dear Blob,
Poor Lindsey Lohan! According to US Weekly, she's almost broke! How heartbreaking! Apparently, she can't get any movie work and has moved in with her suspected girlfriend because she wants to save money on rent! Luckily for Lindsey, The Ukulady has some hot money-saving tips for her during these tough economic times.

1. Stop buying expensive handbags, Lindsey. A girl really only needs about 3 handbags. If you are really attached to your high-end designer bags, keep a few and sell the rest on E-Bay! I'm sure there are some die-hard Lindsey Lohan Fans who can navigate the E-Bay landscape for you! You can become the Lindsey Lohan of E-Bay!

2. Sell your fancy vehicle and get a Toyota or a Honda! It's a buyers market, Lindsey! And I'm sure there is some die-hard Lindsey Lohan fan who will be thrilled to buy your expensive car and drive it around! Then we can be twinsies, because I have a Honda!

3. Only do other people's drugs. Drugs like cocaine are expensive and you should definitely be able to mooch off other recreational users who hang out at the Chateau Marmont! I'm sure you know that people want to hang out with you because you are so beautiful (totally true and earnest - Lindsey is Stunning.) and since you seem to be into recreational drug-use, using other's coke is a great way to save money!

I applaud your decision, Lindsey, to save on rent by moving in with Samantha! Yay! I wish someone would move in with the Ukulady & Gay Fab Roommate (GFR) because our rent is outrageous. Good luck on getting work, Lindsey! I and all my struggling actor pals are also having a hard time getting work, so remember, you are not alone! There are thousands of talented actors who can't even get a theatrical agent, so Lindsey, consider yourself lucky, count your blessings and do something smart with your next paycheck! I recommend Bay Area real-estate (when you're surrounded by water, there's limited land-room!).

Love The Ukulady
ps: Maybe you can apply for unemployment, Lindsey!
pps: Taco Trucks are cheap and delicious! The best one is on Alvarado, in Echo Park, in front of the Vons!

Lindsay VS. Iraq

Dear Blog,
I like to drink my strong-imported-from-San-Francisco-french-pressed-coffee and read the morning news made out of paper. This morning I discovered that these days I care very little about the latest bullshit from Bush, Baghdad and Barack. What compels me is the front-page news of Lindsay Lohan's cocaine 'n' alcohol Memorial Day weekend binge. I scan the Iraq Casualty/Hillary Clinton headlines, but read the entire article about Lindsay Lohan's fuck-ups. And I love it. I want more from Lindsay. I want Lindsay to wrinkle early, to burn visible cocaine holes in her face, to get fat. This is front-page news in America. I don't want to be sad and frustrated that poor kids who want to go to college on the GI bill are being killed along with thousands of darkies in the Cradle of Civilization. I want to feel good about myself. And knowing that Lindsay, Paris & Brittney appear to be empty vessels of insecurity, self-loathing and saddness, makes me feel good about myself!
Love The UkuLady
PS: I'm also compelled by the Food section. I like it when the restaurant critics hate. I like the expensive fussy-food restaurants to be ripped apart and the cheap taco trucks & pie shacks, celebrated.
PPS: Unfortunately Lindsay's latest debacle will only earn her more money as no publicity is bad publicity. If only she'd give some of her endorsement cash to the homeless junkies who can't afford the outrageously-priced rehabs; instead she purchases thousand-dollar tee-shirts to wear with No Underwear.
PPS: I just called Promises Rehab Center and they refused to tell me how much they charge per day. And their website does not offer that information. If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
PPPS: I feel like a real Beat Reporter doing actual blog-research to give my readers the price of Lindsay's rehab center! I feel smugly self-satistfied, pleased with my brief foray into real fact-finding.
PPPPS: I'll continue the rehab-price-research, but not right now.

Poor Lindsey Lohan

Dear Blog,
I'm so worried about my non-myspace celebrity friend, Lindsey! She's not only taken to fully shaving her vagina, but she's gone into rehab! Blog, she's seriously in need of understanding, love and forgiveness and it seems that all she gets are million-dollar movie contracts and free drinks at hollywood hot spots. Poor Lindsey Lohan. Not only is her father insane and in jail, but her mother is really controlling and kind of ugly in a face-lifty way; so of course poor Lindsey has turned to cocaine because cocaine is the perfect foster parent and mentor.
The mentoring programs of America should stop wasting their time on training people and start handing out cocaine to the kids; along with a warning pamphlet so the kids don't get too hooked and have to go to rehab like Lindsey. Everything in moderation..... However, rehab in LA is the perfect place to make best friends with a celebrity, who is sure, upon rehab release, to fiscally support whatever art the celebritie's new rehab BFF is bent on creating! All us artists who want to make movies or have theater companies should get hooked on coke or anorexia so we can join our celebrity pals, Nicole and Lindsey in rehab; befriend them and our financial worries may be over! Good luck in rehab, Lindsey!
Love The UkuLady Storm Lerner