Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Blob O' the Business Trabler...

Dear Blob!
Greetings from the Hotel Sofitel, where I am once again, a business traveler and thankfully, employed! This, the third week after Brittney Spears’s unfortunate un-comeback on the VMA awards, I am headed into my fifth year of being the voice of Electronic Art’s Teenage girl Sim on The Sims 2 videogames. Today’s first day back on the EA campus was a mini-reunion, catching up with who’s had a baby, who’s band has finally and regrettably, stopped playing together and how long this ridiculously awesome job is going to last. The bad news is EA is considering not hiring any of the Sims 2 talent back for Sims 3. The good news is maybe we have a year left being Sims. Alas, nothing is constant but change. In fact, the Hotel Sofitel changed their complimentary moisturizer and chocolates, The new free accessories are sadly inferior to the moisturizer of yesteryear. They also ceased free wireless internet, which irks me like BrittneySpear’s is probably irked by the endless pestering of Child Protective Services. If I were paying for the Sofitel, I would not spend my hard-earned EA cash on their overpriced fees, but would find a quaint Peninsula B&B with free internet and a spa bathtub. I often wonder what the khaki-panted, polo-shirted business travelers, who frequent the Sofitel bar, think of me; ukulele in hand, pink thrift-cheer skirt, striped knee-socks, strumming about cametoe, reclining poolside at sunset….(see www.TheUkuLady .com songlist song “Camel & Moose”, written by the Sofitel pool last spring). Those are the moments I know I am blessed and all is well, no matter what changes the universe will bring. Voice over accounts come and go, as my mentor, Susan, former voice of Albertson’s Supermarkets, says. If only Brittney would share some of the 784,000 a month she earns, with The UkuLady….. For all the Sims fans out there, the latest Sims expansion packs will include exciting activities, such as tree-climbing, fruit-eating and simian-mimicry….. Squibbly Va Porklaj!
Love The UkuLady

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Celebrity A-List Sightings!

Dear Blob!
My new Best Gay Friend (NBGF), who was in Chorus Line on Broadway, Xanadu the movie, a Solid Gold Dancer and made out with John Travolta in a dressing room, took me to opening night of Camelot at Royce Hall at UCLA. This blog is a report of the total A-list celebrity sightings yeilded by an evening of very traditional and awfully boring musical theater.
First we saw Mel Brooks crossing the street on the Sunset strip and we were pleasantly surprised with how spry and fit he appeared. Then at Royce Hall, which was awash with the hoi polloi of LA, we saw Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life, Charlotte Rae and the incomparable Shirley Jones! I've been in the same audition waiting room with Mrs. Garrett, so while I adore her and feel she was my House Mother at Fantasy Boarding School, she did not make me quiver the way Shirley Jones did. I used to watch Oklahoma! and The Music Man at least monthly, as we had them on VHS. Shirley Jones looked awesome! Beautiful, just like she did on the Partridge Family. Charlotte Rae is tiny, shorter than me and she also looks fab.
Meanwhile, Camelot was awful and I can't imagine why anyone would revive such a bad show. Lou Diamond Phillips played King Arthur and he did not Stand and Deliver this time. He can't sing and was totally overshadowed by Guenevere and Lancelot. I learned from Camelot, that sex fucks everything up.
Love The UkuLady
ps: Speaking of VHS, my NBGF has to transfer footage from Betamax.
pps: We ate mini-cheesecakes at the afterparty and saw several bad facelifts.
ppps: I realize that the celebrity A-list sightings are specific to a fag hag or a theater nerd. I am both.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Brittney's Comeback &Mary Kate in my dreams...

Dear Blob,
I dreamt a boy I have a crush on dissed me for Mary Kate Olsen. I was pissed in the dream, but pleased when I awoke, that my nightmares are no longer about the house I live in (see www.TheUkuLady.com Song O'The Week "The Neighbor Song").
In other news, The Brittney Spears "comeback" was amazingly bad. She was such a hot child, a pedophilia posterchild, but as an adult, she is not only Not Hot, but extremely unremarkable in every way. Brittney's backup dancers consistently outshine her remedial "Dance for Beginners" moves - a couple tummy swirls thrown in between step, step, touch. In addition to her pathetic dancing, nasal, whiny, barely sexy and truly awful new single, Brittney didn't look like she was having any fun. She's fantastic tabloid fodder and for that I applaud her.
UkuLady Letter to Brittney:
Dear Brittney, please stick to what you're good at: getting knocked up, drunk and investigated by Child Protective Services! I love it when you flash your cooter, drive with your babies on your panty-free lap and smash cars with umbrellas! Love The UkuLady