Friday, November 19, 2010

Catherine Keener is Not my English Teacher

Dear Blob,
One of the many interesting things about living in LA is the frequent celebrity run-ins & sightings us peasants are exposed too. While it takes someone very special, like a Amy Sedaris or Jennifer Saunders, to nauseate me with excitement & celebrity-worship, I am still affected by everyday contact with the famous; whether its the surrealism of the moment, eating licorice whips with Alice Cooper or the simple puzzling distraction whether Catherine Keener was my teacher in high school.

That was yesterday at Whole Foods. Perusing the cold-prepared case for a snack, I glanced at the tall, bookish lady I'd sidled up to. Reaching for olive tapanade, I instantly recognized her as a Marin Academy Instructor & then realized she taught Steve Carrell how to Do It, not High School English.

I am always struck with indecision at the Whole Foods prepared-snack cases, debating the value of chard-salad vs. grape leaves. As I stood beside Catherine Keener, considering olive tapanade, concern I was lingering too long struck me; She was lingering too and, stricken with self-consciousness, I worried she thought I was lingering because she was lingering.

Impulsively, I decided to serve Olive Tapanade appetizers at my upcoming Asian-themed dinner party and skittered towards the bread, simultaneously judging my future Italian-Asian fusian dinner party I was hosting for a professional Entertainer-Stylist I'd, not only never met, but was hoping would bestow me with a Ukulady Crafts-For-Kids TV Show, and fretting that Catherine Keener thought I was following her, as I came face to face with her over the baguette-bin. I also worried about the length of the future-sentence describing this moment.

She was dressed down, in fleece, makeup-free & reminded me of a weary Marin MILF. I admire Catherine Keener; her career choices, performances, etc.... While I was not breathless, as Coach Wolf from Strangers With Candy, had made me at Coffee Bean nor dazed & confused as Lindsey Lohan stepping-out-of-an-elevator-as-I-stepped-in, made me, I was struck with a feeling further word-research-is-needed, to describe. Weirdness, awkwardness...

I rushed away from the bread, hopefully settling Catherine's worry that I was a obsessive fan following her around Whole Foods; In my rush to get away from Catherine I reconsidered the Italian-Asian fusion dinner, deposited the tapanade & baguette on top of over-priced artisan chocolate, hastily grabbed an expensive juice & checked out.

It's awkward shopping alongside celebrities. They should have their own grocery stores, so's not to distract us peasants from shopping duties. In a sense, they do. The Santa Monica Whole Foods is primarily for the upper-class. Plastic-surgeried old ladies, foreheads smooth, eyes unnaturally stretched backwards, clutch their withered-at-the-neck husbands, who are clad in inappropriate-for-their-age skin-tight v-neck black tee-shirts.

Maybe today I'll go to yoga with ladies from CSI again.
Love The Ukulady
ps: The impulse-purchase of expensive juice is a whole other issue.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Forgive Kanye West Club!

Dear Blob -
I physically splurted my coffee out upon reading the AP "news" headline: George Bush Forgives Kanye West. There are so many things wrong with this headline; I almost read the article, but realized there is no need; all I need to do is applaud George Bush & Taylor Swift for not letting Kanye West get them down! Now that they've forgiven Kanye, here is a to-do list for George Bush & Taylor Swift:

1. Get together in person or virtually and start an Official I Forgive Kanye club! You guys can charge fees for us peasants to join, and make even more money!


2. Start 2 separate I Forgive Kanye West clubs: One for the regular people (still charge fees) and then another for the Elite of Planet Earth; then you can have elite parties with better catering, cuter outfits and budget to hire Kanye to entertain at the club meetings! The peasants can have their own club and meet at Walmart.

3. Record an album together! George, you've owned a baseball team, started a war & lied to millions, what better career move than recording some duets with America's Sweetheart, Taylor Swift?! (also, you'll score cool-dad points with Jenna & Barbara)

4. Tour the world with the Forgive Kanye West album, book & heck, why not, reality TV show! You guys are gonna rake it in!

5. Pose for photo opps with Kanye, preferably in a rural third-world village, surrounded by rag-tag children.

6. Encourage Taylor to adopt a 3rd world baby and sign-on, with Laura, as the adoptive Grandparents & Kanye as uncle! You guys are going to be so popular!

7. Reach out to Kim Jong Il, Ahmadinejad and other dicatators of the world. Nothing brings the world together like the Power of Music; and particularly music based on mutual Forgiveness of Kanye West! You guys might win the Nobel Peace Prize!

8. George, maybe you could get a hair weave and be twins with Taylor! People love twins! Maybe you guys can even be triplets with Kanye! You guys could wear matching outfits! You'll totally bring the world together!

Maybe the aliens, that we know are out there, but refuse to visit planet earth because we are so un-evolved and stupid, will visit now! Forgiving Kanye West is not only going to bring the world together, but possibly The Universe!

Thanks for promoting Forgiveness, George & Taylor!
Love The Ukulady
ps: Lindsey is still in rehab.