Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Celebraginas and more!

Dear Blog,
An amusing and awful name for a child would be Trilogy, as in, "OMG, Trilogy and Chad were totally making out behind the bleachers!"
Or, "OMG, Trilogy and Epilogue totally broke up after prom!"
Love The Ukulady
PS: US Magazine makes it seem like celebrities vaginas, celebraginas, are totally sterile, magical and fresh. The US Magazine I was forced by curiosity, to read today, mentioned Nicole Richie was "spotting". I am horrified to picture Nicole Richie dashing to the bathroom and discovering blood in her panties. And US Magazine, available at the supermarket checkout, where kids can readily browse through pictures of scantily-clad boob-jobbed starlets, painted this disturbing picture for me. Why is Nicole Richie's blood-stained thong news?
PPS: I love it and I hope she spots more.
PPPS: Trilogy would totally help Nicole Richie wash her dirty panties and then they'd totally make-out for the paparazzi.

UkuLady's Friends RULE!!!

Dear Blog!
I had an exciting morning watching The View! Never in my life have I watched The View, however this morning, my dear friend Season and her hubby Jono were scheduled to appear, touting their website www.BuyChange.org, which touts socially-responsible products everyday Americans can purchase. I adjusted my rarely-used TV's antenna, tuned into ABC, when suddenly, as I was watching Barbara Walters and some E! Entertainment reporter discuss the presidential candidate Youtube debates, I was thrilled to see my friend, Mary C. Matthews, and her girlfriend Jen, appear in their youtube video, asking the candidates if they would allow Mary and Jen to wed! And then 20 minutes later Season and Jono were live on The View kicking some social justice ass!
I had 4 friends on The View on the same day! What are the chances? Go Friendsies! Go Social Responsibility, Social Justice and let's Create Change! I am proud this morning.
Love The UkuLady
PS: I'll bet Lindsey Lohan's friends aren't so proud this morning.
PPS: She was arrested again for a DUI and had cocaine in her pocket. Poor Lindsey.
PPPS: Parents, don't whore your children out.
PPPPS: www.videopancakes.blogspot.com and www.BuyChange.org

Monday, July 23, 2007


Dear Blog,
Again I have been misreading LAPD (Los Angeles Police Department) as LARD. There seems to be an insurgency of LAPD signs in Echo Park and maybe I'll have to get a sharpie and pen the leg onto the P, creating LARD...
Love The UkuLady
PS: It rained last night in LA! It hasn't rained here in months - it's like Dune.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

UkuLady at Gay Pride!!!

Dear Blog!
Today I played my first Gay Pride Festival in San Diego, which is like a tropical San Francisco, but smaller. I recruited my future roommate, and Best LA Pal, Don Black (www.InfiniteCrux.com) to be my roadie and he wore Feminine-Hygiene-Pink sneakers we found last year at Ross Dress for Less, but I think everyone knew he was straight, regardless of his festive foot-wear. I was a hit with the gay men and hit on by the lesbians, and we ate gyros and threw our garbage in bins sponsored by the Lube Co. In general, gay men are extremely hot, physically-fit and hyper-conscious of their skin-suits, but gay women, not so much. This is not a new observation, just re-affirmed.
On our way to Pride, we stopped at Krispy Kreme Donuts in Orange County and I practiced my set list while Don retired to the powder room; three children, post-donut, wearing Krispy Kreme hats were riveted by my ukulele, pink & orange mumu, and I struck up conversation with them, and after describing an Octagon, played the The Octocado (see www.blogspot.ukulady.com), which was an instant hit. They demanded a repeat performance, but Don emerged, so I gave the Parents a card, explained we were off to Gay Pride, and away we drove.
It was a glorious day, full of theoretical magic ponies, new best friendsies and fresh sea air. Upon our return to LA, we ate taco truck tacos from a trolley at what I am calling Smog Check Tacos, as the trolley is stationed at the Smog Check place. They were asadalicious.
Love The UkuLady
PS: There are also many hot lesbians and I was hit on by one, which we taped.
PPS: I love gay men so much.
PPPS: It is awkward singing about hefty Americans in my song, LA County Fair (see www.TheUkuLady.com), when there are several hefty audience members. I always try to avoid looking at them when I sing about the Fat People eating corndogs, but Don said, I inadvertently look at them. Guilt. Sorry. I love you Hefty Americans; I just want you to feel healthy and good about yourself.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Soy Moist Chappacinnos & such...

Dear Blog,
The disparity between Regular Life in LA and Fantasyland at Camp Winnarainbow is ridiculous. At Camp I didn't even take comedy notes because every second was chock-full of hilarity, brilliance and insight. Back in LA, as I sift through major real-life bullshit, which shall go undetailed, I have to remind myself that taco trucks are amazing, rotund echo park cholas with cameltoe bring me joy and there is value in constantly driving. Also:
1. Court-Appointed Pants: these are government-owned pants loaned to the schmuck who shows up in court wearing shorts.
2. Soy Moist Chappaccinos. I ordered one from the Coffee Bean and the barrista said, "what size?" I took pity upon her and informed her that the menu did not actually offer Soy Moist Chappaccinos. Say it. Good Times.
3. Parasites in Paraguay.
4. Opera = art form for the hefty. Couture = art form for the slim.
On an unrelated note, I realized that I would totally marry a corndog, but only if he had a fake moustache and googly eyes. This is because I love corndogs and not because of some dirty reason having to do with the corndog's suggestive shape.
Love The Ukulady
PS: Also, I'm weary of seeing people's ass cracks. Low-rise pants are way too low.
PPS: I opera sang the words CornDog, Marshmallow and Mullet yesterday in the studio.

Friday, July 13, 2007

The Korean Spa Blog - Spa Blog!

Dear Blog,
I paid to have a Korean lady wearing black lace panties and bra, slough my nude body free of several layers of skin cells. As I lay porcine-like, on the Korean Spa’s slippery vinyl sloughing-table, the scantilly-clad spa-lady gruntingly sloughing, dangerously close to my vajayjay and all I could think of was, “Please don’t touch my vagina by mistake!” and then the mantra became, “Please don’t touch my vagina by mistake again!”
Then the Sloughers, all dressed in black bra and panties, began to chat amongst themselves in Korean and I became paranoid that they were judging me and my imperfect body and simultaneously were appalled at the amount of skin they were sloughing off; and then It occurred to me that this is what it is like to be quadrapalegic or extremely rich; and then I opened my eyes and found myself face to face with the Slougher’s own vagina, barely concealed by her possibly Ross Dress for Less polyester panties. And the Slougher scrubbed my boobs in repeated concentric motions and I couldn’t believe I had Paid to have this done to me; and I thought, “Please stop rubbing my breasts in concentric circles!” And then I realized I was wasting my spa-treatment by not relaxing into The Zone. So I tried to enjoy the pampering, the tactile sensations and considered how dead-skin-free I would soon be.
Then came the Milk Bath. Seriously. My eyes were shut, but I later saw the Black-Panty-Spa-Ladies using actual gallons of milk one might purchase at Albertsons. They poured milk all over me and instructed me, through hand signals, to wash my face in the milk. I complied. Then came the oil-massage rub-down and a cucumber-mash smeared on my face. The oil-massage consisted of a lot more of my ass being vigorously rubbed by a woman who up until now, was a stranger, but she had transformed into someone with a far more intimate knowledge of my body than pretty much anyone in the past month. My breasts were again concentrically-moisturized and frighteningly, Black-Panty-Spa-Lady’s hands repeatedly came dangerously close, by mistake, to the intimate crannies of my imperfect, but freshly-sloughed, body.
At the end, I felt renewed, moisturized and extremely clean. I would probably go back.
Love The UkuLady
PS: Today Victoria Beckham is on the front page of the LA Times. The urgent news demanded of their newspaper by Angelenos never stops.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

LA Times & Firemen Stories

Dear Blog,
The LA Times is so lame they featured a color photo and 2 page story about the girl who received Paris Hilton's Old phone number.
Also, my friend's dad is a retired fire chief and I asked him the most interesting thing that happened to him during his fireman tenure and this is what he told me: someone called the fire station because his was penis stuck in a bowling ball. The firemen had to air-chisel the bowling ball apart and the bowling ball parts were then displayed in a glass case in the firehouse, and my friend's dad told his son that someone had gotten his "finger" stuck in the bowling ball. My friend only found out the truth last Saturday night, at his wedding reception/BBQ. My friend's dad looks like a movie-star detective.
Love The Ukulady
PS: The LA Times also reported that someone dressed up in a Tree Costume and robbed a bank. The Tree-Costume-Bank-Robber is far more interesting than some USC sorority girl getting Paris Hilton's party/club invites.
PPS: I wish Paris Hilton was forced to dress up in a Tree Costume while in prison.

Monday, July 9, 2007

A Very UkuLady Return to LalaLand

Dear Blog,
A quickie review of my first week back in LA after the woods of Northern California:
1. Oh right, I live in Mexico. I remembered this on my way to jog around Echo Park Lake, deftly zigzagging past ridiculous amounts of garbage, which included dirty diapers, soiled prom dresses and human shit, all amongst hot-cheetos bags, and dozens of other miscellaneous plastic bags. The bags are sadly interwined in scrubby dandelions, smeared with car oil, ketchup from mini-fast-food packets and cat, dog and people feces. Good Times.
2. 4th of July in Echo Park this year did not include a palm tree on fire at the lake and the neighborhood youth seemed tamer than last year, setting off mostly legal fireworks until only about midnight, rather than 4am, like last year. There was also a taco party and pre-firework nibblies on my porch.
3. My first week back also included an impromptu Friday nvitation to join '80's party-boy-gay-icon, James St. James, on his 24hour www.RingMyBell.tv extravaganza! Ring My Bell's studio is in an empty storefront on Hollywood Blvd, with all-American fatty tourists gawking at the star-studded sidewalk, the hot dog shacks and the porn-outfit shops. RIng My Bell was a gay extravaganza, complete with me and a soft-core gay porn star, who plays a heartthrob vampire on a show I've never heard of called, Dante's Cove, answering the phones together. Dylan, the soft-core porn star wore no shirt and super low-riders, which showed his yellow and red-starred panties. He showed his ass several times and many times was very close to removing all his clothes for the internet audience. James St. James was harried, but totally sweet. My BFF, D. Black put it well, saying, "It's like you decided you were a gay icon, went to the gay community and all the gay boys are like, 'Who's she? Oh, Ok, I guess so. Yeah, she's funny and cute. Ok, she can be a ga icon!'". It was the first time I've been referred to as a celebrity, by James, as in, he's talking on the phone to a famous friend of his, in prison for murdering his drug dealer, and James says to his murderer friend, "We're having a 24 hour show and I've got all these celebrities here, like The UkuLady and Dylan the soft-core porn star vampire guy."
4. The Neosurrealists Wedding in Topanga Canyon on Saturday; they are the Neosurrealists and The UkuLady played a set and wrote The Neosurrealist Wedding Song (see www.TheUkuLady.com later this week). Best ceremony ever; it included a Cheese Break, the question, Will You Still Love Dan if He Votes Republican (yes) and bellydancers.
5. Psychic Dating pilot shoot on Sunday. The UkuLady had a reading from Psychic Dave, who seems truly intuitive...psychic? Perhaps. Another surreal day, watching 3 sets of psychics, including the Psychic Twins, give separate readings to friends. Interestingly, the readings were similar for the same people, from the different readers.
6. Amidst the oddities of these three events was learning Nicole Richie is pregnant! Oh that poor baby fetus.... Gay Best Friend thinks Nicole may have mistakenly eaten a jelly bean or grain of Minute Rice.
7. Psychic Dave did tell me to write, so Blog, I'll hustle up my blogging this week.
Love The UkuLady

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Best Place on Earth briefly summed up

Dear Blog,
I feel unable to discuss Paris, Brittney, LIndsey and Jenna without first providing some highlights from The Best Place on Earth, Camp Winnarainbow. My comedy notebook is chock-full, as kids are constantly hilarious and brilliant. Camp is a place where everyone is trying to have as much fun as possible all the time and it appears to be working. It is a place where grown-men wear superhero costumes, kids change their names to Chauncy, Tractor and Hanuman and boys, girls, teens and adults bask in Extreme Creativity, respect, love and mentorship.
It is almost impossible to describe and is unlike any summer camp on earth.
1. The Question Bully - "where are you going? How old are you? Do you like bacon? etc..."
2. Sheep Shaped - so satisfying to say.
3. The UkuLady sometimes is UkuLazy
4. Octacado, Pentacado, Hexacado - 8, 5, 6-sided avocados - Song about it on www.TheUkuLady.com
5. This hilarious kid, Jake, 8yrs, told me he invented a new game called Chess, Version 2.
6. Overheard: a kid in the costume barn saying, concerned, "Do you think I need to reserve the giant fish?"
7. The Fez Dispenser - dispenses fez hats.
8. A friend is someone you almost never disagree with.
9. Meat Corn - a hot dog with meat giblets as kernels.
10. The poignancy of Earnest Teen Poems. That's poems written by artsy, angsty, beautiful teens. I was one once.
11. Wavy recommends that all the kids go home and pick up a copy of Neruda. Pablo.
12. Must write song with the rhyme Molasses/Jackie Onassis
13. Christ Crispies
14. Kneecaps and kneecamps - hats and summer camps for knees.
I'm working on my Love Strategy this year. This includes saying hello to strangers on the street in LA and elsewhere. I've started and it's made a remarkable difference. People smile and are surprised that they are smiling and saying hello back. Everyone feels better. Blog and Readers, I dare you to embark on a Saying-Hello-To-Strangers Campaign. I'm a total fucking hippie, but those hippies sure have some things right...
Now I have given you, Blog, a brief glimpse of The Best Place on Earth, I can resume my usual queries and concerns about what's really important, did Paris get raped in jail or not? The evil part of me really hopes so.
Love The UkuLady
PS: Patch Adams, clown, activist, humanitarian, did a workshop on Love Strategies and did a skit urging the audience to Love every being, Al Quada, terrorist, Dick Cheney and Paris Hilton. I easily brought myself to say, I love Al Quada and the Terrorist, but simply could not say, I love Cheney or Paris. That's fucked up.
Love The UkuLady