Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Youtube Bathroom

Dear Blob,
Youtube is not only a venue for independent narcissist performers, such as myself, but it is also the World's Biggest Bathroom. The Youtube comment section is just like the restroom walls, filled with messages like, Fuck U and 4 a Good BJ Call Candi. Unfortunately, I've had no directions towards good blow jobs, but my videos and myself, are getting a healthy dose of the F-word. Youtube seems to be the stomping grounds for cowards and angry, fearful Dark Siders. A Dark Sider is a "person" who is filled with hate. I quotation mark "person", because these are the creatures that are contributing to the unevolution of humans; probably overweight, underloved and poorly educated. I don't mind the hate, in fact, it feeds the fire to spread unicorn pony hearts all the more.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I saw Persepolis last night, the graphic novel, made into a French animated feature film. It is beautiful and sad and highly recommended. A black & white cartoon riveted me for over 90 minutes. I wish the Dark Siders would see Persepolis and the fruitlessness of hate and fear.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Guitar Hero Fever!

Dear Blob,
The Ukulady has totally caught Guitar Hero Fever! Lately, whenever I call my friends in the Bay Area, they are unavailable to chat, distractedly saying, "Can't talk now - in the middle of Guitar Hero-" and then they hang up. Over the holidays I spent several days at the hippie Berkeley commune where many of my friends reside; an old-school hippie commune where Guitar Hero Fever has captured everyone with the Heat of Obsession! The Guitar Hero virus nipped at my skeptical-of-video-game-heels and I broke down, adjusted the toy guitar strap and totally rocked out to hot '80's hair metal.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Jamie Lyn Spears Fever has totally passed.
pps: More weighty things to think about, such as the endless cycle of religious fervor, zealotry and tragedy in the Middle East. I'm bummed about Benezir Bhutto.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Jame Lyn Fever!

Dear Blob,
Just as I began to feel remorse for the Brittney Spears mockery I so enjoy and pity her, rather than scorn her feverish decline into drugs, Child Protective Services Most-Visited-Celebrity status and worrisome maddness, her 16 year old sister, Jamie Lyn, has taken up the banner of stupidity and poor role-modelhood! The day Jamie Lyn broke her teen pregnancy news, I received several phone calls and emails, alerting me and now I have total Jamie Lyn Fever! I even went to her official website! It's not as good as Britney's. I'm most pleased that Mother Spears's Christian Mothering book has apparently, been put on hold. Whatever book publisher thought Britney Spear's mother would have good parenting advice, must have been raised by murderers. I am disappointed The Stupid seem to conceive so easily and while I do not know for certain if Jamie Lyn is below-average in brain activity, her actions lead me to believe she is probably more comfortable reading US Weekly than Harper's. If I was Jamie Lyn or Britney's manager, I would have had those girls on implanted birth control by ten, or whatever age Mother Spears was dressing her children in child-whore outfits and pimping them to the cameras. Parents, don't whore your children out (see songpage "Poor Britney".
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news The Ukulady has been gifted with a subscription to US Weekly and Star Magazine, to round out her Harpers and New Yorker reading....
pps: Friends, WASA crackers are really delicious.
ppps: If only Jamie Lyn and her out-of-control boyfriend had just eaten WASA crackers instead of had sex...

Friday, December 14, 2007

Blaming Satan

Dear Blob,
I am disappointed, repulsed and appalled by the New Life Church Christians in Colorado, who's community was recently rampaged by an 18 year old gunman church member. This morning's LA Times dedicated 3/4 page article to the New Life Church survivors, who, in questioning why an 18 year boy would take a gun to his community, blamed, Satan. To the evangelists of New Life Church, their tragedy is not an opportunity to engage in critical discussion, but to be lazy and anti-intellectual. By choosing to blame Satan, the church members take no responsibility for who their community created, a troubled angry teenager. Blaming Satan removes the opportunity for real change in our troubled, scary world. Teenagers are angry and disillusioned and capitalism is anti-community, anti-sharing; so, lonely people take solace in churches, which offer answers to the unanswerable. However, when a community's only answer to this kind of situation is Satan, the chance to create change, is lost. Change can only come from critical thinking and discussion, both of which are learned skills. I'm sad these integral skills to humanity's evolution are not being taught in America's public schools. No wonder ET's are totally uninterested in visiting planet earth. Collectively, we're so stupid.
Love The UkuLady
ps: In other news, my amazing myspace friend, Sarahcakes, 17 yrs, of NY, sketched an awesome drawing of The UkuLady, which is her featured picture. My narcissism meter shot off the charts when I saw it - smoochies & thanksies!
pps: To my Christian myspace friendsies - please work on changing the blinder-mentality of the evangelists - thanksies!
ppps: To The Downfall of Evil! (which is not Satan, but blinder-mentality, anti-intellectualism, anti-questioning - fear)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Dare to Suck & Fuck Fear

Dear Blob,
The UkuLady has been receiving an overwhelming number of emails lately, thanks to my incredible gay-heeb-manager's marketing diligence. The emails are daily affirmations and while I don't have time to answer all of them, one came in that I am compelled to share with you, Blob, and my readers.
I have a question. You are awesome to the max. But How do you just not care what people say or think? I always am careful with what I say to people. I'm a big ol' chicken. I hate giving speeches and so on. I wish I could be like you and just not give a damn.
The opportunity has come for The Ukulady to change the world. I told Sarah I have 2 mottoes:
1. Fuck Fear
2. Dare To Suck
If humans could eliminate Fear from their psyches, this world will change for the better. Fear drives many people and I believe it is the root of all evil. Daring to suck is related to self-love and self acceptance. If everyone really loved themselves and stopped judging themselves, again, planet earth could transform. We will still have hurt and grief and pain, because loss is inevitable. However miscommunication, anger, doubt, greed and all the other negative creatures of the shadowbox, will weaken. I heart Love. What a fucking hippie thing to say.
Love The Ukulady
ps: simultaneous to this email, my amazing sister ( told me I should be a motivational speaker.
pps: I'm done hating Britney, Lindsey and Jenna. I love them. But not in a lesbian way, or in an admiration way. More in a pity way and they doing the best they can possibly do. Because like Anne Frank, I believe all people are good at heart.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Big Love & Lateens!

Dear Blob,
I rarely watch tv, but I really love the television show Big Love and subsequently, I'm pleased and relieved, repleaved, that I'm not from a polygamist family. The good news about polygamists, is, according to Big Love, they are always throwing parties. I like parties. That sentence makes me sound like one of the unicorns from Planet Unicorn, the best thing on Youtube. In other news, while jogging around Echo Park lake this Sunday, I was once again, struck by the prevalence of Latino teen parents. I call them Lateens and I want to shower them with birth control.
Love The UkuLady
ps: While Bill Paxton of Big Love does a fantastic job, to me, he will always be Chet-transformed-into-the blubbery-creature/monster from Weird Science.
pps: Latrina is a really awful name. Latrina the Lateen....she will usurp the talentless Tila Tequila....

Sunday, December 9, 2007

My First Hate Email!

Dear Blob!
I've arrived! I got my first Hate Email today! And of course it is from a hypocritical Christian, who has apparently forgotten about the Love our good friend Jesus, preached. Here's what Worship Leader, Tracy Vines, has to say about me:

I went to your page to see what you are all about and was not pleasantly surprised. I see that we have absolutely nothing in common and do not even know why you would send me a friends request. Do you not look at profiles before you send them? If you don't, you might want to consider that in the future. I am a worship leader and find your content disturbing, in bad taste, and not the least bit humorous. So, I am sending this to ask "Why?" would you even want me on your friends list? Are you in a contest to see who can collect the most friends?
Tracy Vines
p.s. No need to comment back, I won't read it anyway.

THANK YOU TRACY! Glad I made you so upset that you took time out of your busy schedule to reinforce the hypocrisy of Christians. If she had a sense of humor, she would hear that The UkuLady's message is all about Peace and Love. After all, I am a hippie!
Love The UkuLady
PS: I love how she says she was not pleasantly surprised.
PPS: I'm so excited to quote Tracy Vines on my publicity! Always send out Love to the Haters.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Babies Eating Candy

Dear Blob,
I've decided that witnessing mothers give their babies candy and soda, is one of the top-most depressing things to see. Today at Walgreens, I watched a teen mother give her baby a lollypop. It feels like watching the future of humanity be peed upon.
Love The UkuLady
ps: I watched Jenna Bush on Ellen and almost forgave her for not calling me or coming to any of my shows.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Own The Roll As You Would A Pet

Dear Blob,
Due to a busy travel schedule, I've been unable to maintain my usual Anusara yoga regime; around thrice weekly, give or take. I heart yoga (see songpage song "I Heart Yoga") and now that I'm well into my "25 Again!" years, find yoga is essential to my general well-being. I've always been a "curvy" girl, described once by theater critics as "zaftig", and in the past year, thanks to yoga, was thrilled to discover I have hipbones and ab muscles! These were new bodyparts to me, having only heard about them in health class and seen them on TV and on my slim friends. How quickly these "ab"muscles disappear.... I realized today, in yoga, that my core (fancy LA word for ab muscles) has once again, become A Pet. There are ab muscles under My Pet, but The Roll has, thanks to Thanksgiving (not with Hugo Chavez's grandson) and last week's Vegas Buffet (Vegas blog coming very soon...) re-expanded, and can comfortably be described as A Pet. My Best-Gay-Friend-in-Chicago says "Own The Roll!". And I do. Like a pet.
Love The UkuLady
ps: My-Best-Straight-Guy-Friend-in-LA heard a strict mother firmly tell her child, "We're not leaving until you finish your soda! Finish your soda!" A Roll Pet in the making...