Thursday, October 15, 2009

Facelifts 'n' Fake Lips

Dear Blob!
After an extended sabbatical from LA, I've returned, subletting in the heart of the beast, Santa Monica, between Montana & Wilshire; a neighborhood glistening with high-price boutiques, Ugg-booted MILFS, 4 Whole Foods within 10 blocks of each other and a yoga supercenter, the Costco of yoga, a block from my new digs.

Costco Yoga is packed all day with aging starlets-turned-executives-wives; women over 80 with 40 year-old faces, eyebrows tattooed on and new botox lips, which give the newly-lipped a vaguely duck-like appearance. I call them Duck Lips: the freshly-injected top lip, swollen like an over-stuffed sausage, bulging over the bottom lip.

The wealth of Santa Monica is different than the wealth of Marin County, where I was raised and is the second most affluent county listed in Forbe's. Santa Monica wealth is showy, brassy, and unapologetic; Marin's wealth pretends to be poor, but hyper-eco-aware. Charo vs. Joan Baez.

I've lived in LA for 5 years, in what is essentially Mexico. Echo Park, while overrun with hipsters & artists, is primarily Latino families who've never seen the ocean. Santa Monica is a startling change. I love the garbage-free streets, the coiffed gardens, and the ocean breeze. I am simultaneously amused and repelled by the Candy Spellings of LA, botoxed and liposuctioned, seeking inner peace and balance in Costco-yoga class. Even the yoga teacher has Duck Lips and various celebrities make appearances.

I took yoga with Marg Helgenberger the other day. It is surprising to see a television figure in person. She is stunningly beautiful, as was Lindsey Lohan, who emerged from an elevator I was about to enter.

In other news, there are several notable bakeries in the hood and I plan on sampling them all.
To The Downfall of Evil!
Love The Ukulady

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Most Repulsive Beverage!

Dear Blob,
I drove past a billboard today for what may be the most repulsive beverage ever: Chelada! A blend of Clamato juice and Budweiser beer. Apparently, according to the blogosphere, Chelada is Hott! A huge hit in Arizona, Texas, Nebraska & Colorado. In fact, one blog calls it "A Tremendous Success!" While everyone's taste is different, the thought of thirsty Quaffers downing clam 'n' tomato juice and friggin' Budweiser, is totally disgusting.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Kate Winselt, the most beautiful woman on earth, looks so much better without makeup.
pps: Attention Gay Gals! Lindsey Lohan is single! Go for it!
ppps: If you go for it, be careful! She's totaly crazy!
pppps: If you & Lindsey start dating, I totally want to come over and watch Logo with you guys!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Why Freelancers Love the Tabloids

Dear Blob,
Reading the Interweb news this morning on yahoo's "front page", I skimmed the bleak economic update, Obama's visit to Iraq, but upon coming to yahoo news's front page scoop of Lindsey Lohan and Samantha Ronson's for-now-breakup, I actually gasped aloud with interest and excitment. I was mostly excited by Lindsey being, apparently, barred from a Ronson Family party.

Being an expensively-educated, critical-thinker, labeled by my dad an intellectual, I felt a moment of shame for being so excited about Lindsey's difficulties.

Then I realized: at my home office, I have no water cooler to gather around or anyone to gather with; no Jim & Pam of The Office TV show, to speculate upon; not even my real & facebook friends have much to gossip about. Nothing as interesting as Lindsey, Brittney & Rhianna. For freelancers, tabloid gossip replaces around-the-water-cooler gossip. Without celebrity mishaps, how can us freelancers feel good about our relationships, constant-looming unemployment & genetic cellulite?

Poor Lindsey. Maybe she'll turn to yoga like Jennifer Aniston. I did.
Love The Ukulady

ps: I'm also intrigued by the Odd News section of the interweb news.
pps: I've discontinued my LA Times subscription. Too expensive for less-than-stellar content. Poor Newspaper Industry.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Ukulady Weighs-In on Madonna's Blocked Adoption

Dear Blob,
YAY for Iowa legalizing gay marriage! I awoke to a text from my manapanion with the news and look forward to the dozens of gay weddings I will, no doubt be invited to, once equal rights for everyone become national and international!

In other news, I'm sad for Madonna and the Malawian child she wants to adopt. Malawian court barred the impending adoption on grounds it would set a "dangerous precedent" for child-slave-traffickers. There are many ethical issues about adoption and celebrities and such, but the bottom line is, will the Malawian child be better off in an African orphanage or Madonna's house?

When I think of Madonna's house, I envision organic meals of pillowy-fresh gnocchi, risotto with shrimp and a progressive Waldorf or Montessori education. When I think of life in a African orphanage, I see dozens of kids longing to be hugged and eating porridge.

And if Madonna doesn't eventually get the child, where will the orphan be in 20 years? Selling fruit or her body by the side of the road, pissed that she was almost Madonna's kid?

The Malawian judge needs to get off the power-trip and recognize that regardless of ethics, the child will have more opportunities for success living with Madonna.

Love The Ukulady
ps: I also think celebrities adopting non-white, fresh-from-the-womb babies is great role-modeling for the countless prospective-adoptive parents who only want a white days-old infant.
pps: A kid should not be used as a tool in anyone's power-trip. Madonna wants to love and nurture another human being. The Malawian judge wants international attention.
ppps: In discussing this with Gay Roomate, he thoughtfully mused, "Madonna's a Leo..." I love my boys.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

American Idol & Economy UnFever: Equally Important World News!

Dear Blob,
Because of economy-UnFever, I'm trimming my expenses and sadly, the first thing to go is my morning newspaper. I really heart reading a paper every morning, but the LA Times is so lame and the NY Times is so expensive. So I've switched to interweb news, which my eyeballs aren't totally thrilled with. This morning's World News from yahoo included Pakistan, Palestine & American Idol. I am a huge kareoke fan. I even used to go to The Mint kareoke bar in San Francisco, by myself. I am sick of most world news, but am not quite on board with American Idol being up there with genocide, global economic unfever and North Korea's reluctance to feed it's people.

Love The Ukulady

ps: The local LA News is all car crashes & murder. I think I will be more relaxed not reading the LA Times every morning.
pps: Is Energy & Commerce Committee Chairman, Rep. Henry Waxman the most rodent-ee-looking public figure? He resembles a Disney Beaver.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Money-Saving Tips for Lindsey Lohan!

Dear Blob,
Poor Lindsey Lohan! According to US Weekly, she's almost broke! How heartbreaking! Apparently, she can't get any movie work and has moved in with her suspected girlfriend because she wants to save money on rent! Luckily for Lindsey, The Ukulady has some hot money-saving tips for her during these tough economic times.

1. Stop buying expensive handbags, Lindsey. A girl really only needs about 3 handbags. If you are really attached to your high-end designer bags, keep a few and sell the rest on E-Bay! I'm sure there are some die-hard Lindsey Lohan Fans who can navigate the E-Bay landscape for you! You can become the Lindsey Lohan of E-Bay!

2. Sell your fancy vehicle and get a Toyota or a Honda! It's a buyers market, Lindsey! And I'm sure there is some die-hard Lindsey Lohan fan who will be thrilled to buy your expensive car and drive it around! Then we can be twinsies, because I have a Honda!

3. Only do other people's drugs. Drugs like cocaine are expensive and you should definitely be able to mooch off other recreational users who hang out at the Chateau Marmont! I'm sure you know that people want to hang out with you because you are so beautiful (totally true and earnest - Lindsey is Stunning.) and since you seem to be into recreational drug-use, using other's coke is a great way to save money!

I applaud your decision, Lindsey, to save on rent by moving in with Samantha! Yay! I wish someone would move in with the Ukulady & Gay Fab Roommate (GFR) because our rent is outrageous. Good luck on getting work, Lindsey! I and all my struggling actor pals are also having a hard time getting work, so remember, you are not alone! There are thousands of talented actors who can't even get a theatrical agent, so Lindsey, consider yourself lucky, count your blessings and do something smart with your next paycheck! I recommend Bay Area real-estate (when you're surrounded by water, there's limited land-room!).

Love The Ukulady
ps: Maybe you can apply for unemployment, Lindsey!
pps: Taco Trucks are cheap and delicious! The best one is on Alvarado, in Echo Park, in front of the Vons!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Feel Thin in the South!

Dear Blob & Pals-Who-Feel-Plump,
The anorexic vodka-for-meals-girls of Lalaland squishing your outer-beauty-confidence? Been running, doing yoga, pilates, crunches, the cleanse & still have genetic cellulite & a tummy pouch? Peeps, a great way to feel fit, healthy & trim is a trip to the Deep South! It's normal there for girls to carry an extra 20 - 30 pounds - they are the slim ones! Chubby is up to 75 pounds overweight!
Love The Ukulady
ps: I'm pro-Madonna-adopting-third-world-children.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Send a Ukulady Valentine!!!

Dear Pals!
You can send your loved ones an official Ukulady Valentine via www.jibjab.com!
Available here:

http://sendables.jibjab.com/category/valentines_day_sweet

To the downfall of Evil!
Love The Ukulady
www.TheUkulady.com
www.jibjab.com

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Doughnut Fever!

Dear Blob,
SInce moving to LA, I have marveled at the abundance of Doughnut Shops and wondered how they all stay in business. Like in the South, where there are churches on every corner, LA's church seems to be the Doughnut Shop. Being a voice over talent, I rarely work on set; however, I am now working on the set of a Nickelodeon game show and I now know how the Doughnut shops stay in business. Film Shoot Craft Services.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I am avoiding the doughnuts.
pps: I Love doughnuts and once asked for a box of doughnuts for my birthday.
ppps: I received the box and ate them all wheile writing my 8th grade term paper.
pppps: I can't remember the topic of the term paper, but I remember getting pretty sick.

Monday, January 19, 2009

World-Power Christmas Eve!

Dear Blob!
It is World-Power Christmas Eve! Adios to the Celebration and Reign of Anti-Intellectualism, Cocky Bravado, and the Dark Side! Somehow, amidst the thrill and amazement of Obama's victory, it didn't occur to me that Bush, Cheney and their administration, which says, "thumbs-up, Torture!" is actually leaving! Not only is Obama and his fleet of Critical Thinkers, who celebrate knowledge & science, taking control of our broken country, but Bush and his BFF, Hubris, will be gone! Whooohooo! It really hit me yesterday! Here we are, on the brink of Global Energy Shifting! Please, Blob and Powers of Manifestation, keep Obama alive and productive. The most exciting thing to me is the re-installation of Intellectualism in office. Bush isn't an inherently evil person, just dumb and cocky. It's like the James Spader crowd from Pretty in Pink (the Richies), got control of the White House for 8 years and now Duckie and Annie Potts are in power.

Meanwhile, upon reading the Inaugural luncheon menu, I am concerned with the lack of Greens. Seafood Stew, Brace of American Birds (duck & pheasant - fancy!), sweet potatoes and Apple Sponge Cake. I don't like sweet potatoes too much, which is why, I suppose, I didn't capitalize them. No salad or roughage! Perhaps at the Inaugural dinner....
Love The Ukulady
ps: Molly Ringwald should have ended up with Duckie, not Andrew McCarthy.
pps: Or like the Craig Sheffield crowd in Some Kind Of Wonderful. Watching Obama take power is like watching Mary Stuart Masterson and Eric Stoltz fall in love. Good Guys win!
ppps: Even though Jenna Bush has been such a shitty myspace friend, I will miss the Bush Twins in the spotlight.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dear Taliban!

Dear Blob -
I live downstairs from such an awful neighbor, for the past year and a half, Fabulous Roommate and I have called her The Cuntessa. She earned a new name this weekend, after verbally attacking me at 3 in the afternoon and subsequently filming me on my porch singing. Unfortunately for her, she is one of the Ukulady Haters (see occasional www.youtube.com/ThessalyLerner comments), particularly of my voice, which was described on Ebay as "extremely squeaky. (In googling myself, I discovered my album, Banned From Canters!, on Ebay!

Meanwhile, The Cuntessa's name has changed to The Taliban. And below, I write a letter to all Taliban:

Dear Taliban!
Please stop bullying the folks who live next door, downstairs and all around you. Your antagonism is totally anti-love and you're contributing to the Dark Side. In a way, I am looking forward to your next attack because I plan on using my Shield of Supreme Love and Peace, singing The Rainbow Connection. Snap! Rainbow Connection in your face, Taliban!
Love The Ukulady
ps: My solution to The Taliban was reached after much discussion with friends and family, who also suggestion Restraining Order. My landlord told me to call the police next time The Taliban harasses me.
pps: I am impressed with teen-singing sensation, Taylor Swift! Not her music, but her marketing team.