Thursday, December 29, 2011

Eye Candy!

Dear Blob,
I've discovered the magic of music sharing via the futuristic interweb! Click below to hear Eye Candy, by The Ukulady! A song about Pioneers, love and long-distance.

Eye Candy

Love The Ukulady
ps: Ukulele & Omnichord! Featuring Jessica Grant on Omnichord!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Kim Jong Il is Dead: My Most Surreal Hollywood Moment

Dear Blob,
Perhaps my most surreal Hollywood moment came last night at a holiday party, themed Christmas Island, complete with a tiki man-hut topped by a giant jack-o-lantern-like Santa who spewed soapy fake snow out his triangle eyes and a clam-shell punch fountain.

I and Fired-for-being-Gay-BFF, Mitch (See Blogs from October for the scoop), nibbling on peppermint bark, ham and mashed potatoes, found ourselves seated around an outside fire with gay comedy icon, Bruce Villanch, who I primarily associate with the Muppets. We discussed cameltoe vs. mooseknuckle, the marketability of the new Muppet movie and Atlantis cruises, when Bruce, glanced at his computer phone and casually announced, "Kim Jong Il is Dead." Then Triangle-Eye Santa started up again and it snowed in Gay Hollywood; it was shocking.

My favorite dictator is dead! First Mallomar G, Libya's marshmallow douchebag and now Kimmy, his beige jumpsuits and pouffy hair! Who can I make fun of now? Speaker of the House Boner, upsets me too much. Dictators need to be a healthy distance from me and not affect my daily life, like Boner and his evil-robot/crybaby activities, who would be a dictator if he had the opportunity.

Bruce Villanch informing me of Kim Jong Il's demise amongst the backdrop of snowy gay winter-wonderland, tops my old Most Surreal Hollywood Moment, which took place in an intimate recording studio setting, sharing licorice whips with with Alice Cooper.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Fired-For-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein, will be filing his discrimination lawsuit against Charter Oak High School very soon! Stay tuned for the scoop!

pps: I hope the North Koreans are secretly partying and get to go free! Poor slaves.

ppps: Could the deaths of 2 Dictators be the start of the 2012 consciousness shift?

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Carb, Lard & Peace on Earth!

Dear Blob,
'Tis the time of year for Carb 'n' Lard Snacks & Peace on Earth!

Love The Ukulady

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Robots Drink Hot Cococa!

Dear Blob,
The Elves are making Gingerbread dogs! Robots drink hot cocoa!
Love The Ukulady

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Wonders of La La Land!

Dear Blob,
After over a month of work-travel, also known as workel or traverk, I will be returning to LaLa-meep, the land of the Mosaic Tile House and other wonders, as sung about in this song:

Love The Ukulady
ps: New Muppet film = MEEEEEEEEP!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Best Worst Song Ever!

Dear Blob,
Without a doubt, the Best Worst Song Ever, captured in video-montage, courtesy The Ukulad! Enjoy with your eyeballs and then take a listen a few times with your e-balls shut:

Love The Ukulady
ps: real-person work has taken all my energy and time...stay tuned for a flurry of blobbing in December...

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fired-For-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein, Speaks Out!

Dear Blob,
Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch Stein, speaks about homophobia, discrimination & honesty at Citrus Community College:

Love The Ukulady
ps: Sound quality gets much better about 30 seconds in....

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Ukulady Business Traveler: Football Jerseys Dough Tubes

Dear Blob,
I'm, currently a business traveler, living in the Meepity Meep in San Meep, CA, for the next 3 weeks. My job: Fabulous-People Detective. I search for Fabulous San Meepians willing to be on-camera discussing their experience in car-commerce. Not necessarily Fabulous gay, but Fabulous, as in you definitely want to invite this person to your next dinner party. Hotel living is full of pros and cons.

The best part is my personal maid, Meepia, who cleans my room everyday. Worst is the medley of awful music piped into every public space; so while it's awesome to have a pool and hot tub, I have to contend with Easy Listening Light Rock.

The UnNamed Hotel is surprisingly busy, the lobby a hive of tourists & business travelers, easy to tell apart from their outfits; either enthusiastic San Meeep!/California! sweatshirts or conservative black suits with periwinkle shirts.

This weekend swarms of seeming-Mid-Western Sports Enthusiasts have taken over the hotel wearing Green Bay Packers garments and drinking heavily at the hotel bar.

The Sports Travelers of both genders favor the same outfit: a bulky football jersey. The lobby gathering of dozens of football-jersey-clad travelers has led to my new discovery: the football jersey is one of the most Unflattering items a woman can wear, particularly the midwesternly-plump female, who still stubbornly sports a semi-mullet/layered-mall-haircut. The footbal-jerseyed women, no matter how thin, look like pillowy dough-tubes and remind me of cheap pork-snacks served with light cheap beer.

Overheard on my way to the free lobby-coffee (by a pasty-sausagey-jersey-clad-mulleted gal): "I need Tylenol & water." Seems the party started when they landed in San Meep.

In other news, business traveling provides a generous per-diem, which has led to sampling more coffee-cake than I've eaten in the past 5 years. Stay tuned as The Ukulady disguises herself as a real person and convinces Fabulous San Meepians to give up their social security numbers in exchange for the potential of making money.

Love The Ukulady

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Halloween, National Sandwich Day & Mitch Speaks!

PHOTOS: The Ukulady's Halloween: The Ukulady & Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Official Tea Party Member & Dead Prom Queen!

Dear Blob,
Working a real-person job is for the birds; many things are great, like paychecks, per diem and business lunches, but time for blobbing is challenging! Here's the hot scoop!

1. Fired-for-being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein, has his first speaking engagement at Citrus College! Yay! Read all about it!

2. Halloween is the best time of year because I blend in and really, everyone wants to play dress up. Halloween should be everyday. Airline travel on Halloween was particularly pleasing. I enjoyed eyeballing the flight attendant's costumes and spookily-decorated airline consuls. Halloween makes everything more fun and there's no family guilt, stress or materialism involved.

3. Today is National Sandwich Day! I enjoyed a panini in San Diego, where I am a business lady, working for the Meep, casting Real People in Market Research Video Projects.

4. San Diegoans are friendly, open and generally very camera-ready. Hot town; as in hot people and hot weather.

5. For our job we've picked sidekick code names; I've selected Assistant Beeker, Dr. Bunson Honeydew's sidekick and Advanced Meep Speaker.

Love The Ukulady

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lindsay Lohan & Mitch Stein Facing Challenges!

Dear Blob
The ongoing saga of Lindsay Lohan and Fired-For-Being-Gay-BFF, Mitch Stein, continue. Both are moving forward with their new careers: Lindsay posing for Playboy and Mitch speaking at Citrus Community College on November 2nd. Lindsay will reveal her hoo-ha and Mitch will reveal the challenges of being an out gay dad. Both Mitch and Lindsay have lawyers working for their rights, both are being presented with new opportunities and are swinging with the punches, playing the card-hand life has dealt them.

Some might argue Lindsay Lohan has dealt her own hand of cards, shoplifting fancy jewels, getting high and being late on-set; but what other life skillz did she learn by being a Hollywood child starlet? Hollywood is a ruthless, dirty business-village full of hubris, greed and narcissism and she was nurtured in the middle of it's filthy, but super-sexy, bosom.

Occasionally one meets a Hollywood mogul working for the Downfall of Evil, but they still always have to please the investors. Earth is a commerce-driven planet and humans need to evolve into love-driven humans.

Apparently this is happening, according to a new book on the decline of violence on Planet Earth! Great News! Keep up the good work, Humans!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Popcorn season is upon us! Bring on the Winter-Snacks!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Bells of Venice High

Dear Blob,
Another meep checked off the To-Do List; today I got to play at the Folk-Artastic, Mosaic Tile House in Venice CA.

To The Downfall of Evil!
Love The Ukulady

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Celebrate Good Times: The Death of Mallomar Gaddafi!

Dear Blob,
The big news of the morning: Mallomar Gaddafi is dead. Is it appropriate to have a Celebrate Good Times dance-party with Kool and the Gang? It's awkward to celebrate death, but Mallomar Gaddafi's life's work was the opposite of the Downfall of Evil; in fact, his death is part of the Downfall of Evil.

The death of someone as innately douchebaggy as Gaddafi from planet earth is a good thing. I am generally anti-death-penalty, as I usually feel two wrongs don't make a right and executing murderers seems to be murder; however, there are always exceptions, particularly when it comes to a human who has indulged in horrific anti-human acts for 42 years.

Megalomania is so odd and so constant; humankind has always produced Megalomaniacs and our brains don't seem to have evolved enough to avoid the trap of self-grandeur, which leads to megalomania; however, why does megalomania usually lead to murder, rape & other inhuman acts?

Money & Power led Bill Gates to create solutions to worlwide problems; why didn't Money & Power do the same for Mallomar? Perhaps because Mallomar was not a nerdy intellectual, but a savage warrior. Maybe Money & Power do fairly well in the hands of intellectuals, but ridiculously horrific in the hands of the stupid; as displayed in my latest TV obsession, Breaking Bad. I urge all good-TV Enthusiasts to enjoy it on Netflix.

In other news, I would like to be in a band side-project called The Snacks. This desire came from a Snack Fantasy of wanting a theoretical snack in bed at midnight. I didn't want a real snack, just a fantasy snack, an invisible snack. It was so cozy in bed, the perfect cozy-location for a snack, however I didn't want to re-brush my teeth or actually eat anything. Fantasy Snack is also a good band name.

Love The Ukulady

PS: In honor of Mallomar Gaddafi's death, enjoy WHO CAN WE HATE? By the Ukulady

PPS: Celebrating Mallomar Gaddafi's death is the cousin to telling my ER Nurse Friend to "Have Fun" at work, which I did yesterday.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Happy UnicornFever National Coming Out Day!

Dear Blob,
Happy National Coming Out Day! May all humans, robots & woodland creatures feel awesome about themselves and being exactly who they are. To The Downfall of evil, homophobia & discrimination!

This video was made by my dear friend, Mary C. Matthews, of Video Pancakes. I'm very proud of her.

Love The Ukulady

Monday, October 10, 2011

Cobras 'n' Kittens Unite for Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF!

Cobras 'n' Kittens Unite for Mitch Stein! Art by

Dear Blob,
The Update of GayBearManager BFF/Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch Stein:

Some great blobs, news-footage & articles:

1. Mitch Looks Thin, but Sad in this NewsVideo!

2. The Magic of the Interweb allows Us to Participate! An Online Survey about Whether Mitch should Be Re-Hired! Even if you haven't seen the pictures, trust Meep, they are not grounds for dismissal. Why trust Meep? Because my motto is, as always, To The Downfall of Evil! Evil is Hate. I urge you, Reader & Blob, to vote in support of Mitch and actively join the campaign for the Downfall of Evil. Let small-minded fear 'n' hate enthusiasts know they are in the minority and intellectualism & love will prevail.

3. Mitch's daughter protesting against discrimination! We are all swollen like mama-cow udders with Pride! I nominate Devynn for this year's Downfall of Evil Medallion of Action Prize, similar to the Nobel Peace Prize, but without the cash value.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Ukulady's day job wraps soon; hopefully we will have a wrap party with Rappesr and eat wraps! Maybe Anthony Rapp will be there and we will be rapt!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Fired for Posing with Corndog vs. Public Heroin-Use & Tasty Kakes!

Dear Blob,
While Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch Stein's pro-bono lawyer gathers the paperwork to serve the Charter Oak High School District for discrimination, more interesting media stories are emerging, like the basil seedlings I planted a few weeks ago.

My basil seedlets, peeking out of the dirt, are covered in weird black-tar-like meep from odd mushroom spores, which have also emerged from the earth, making the usually-tantalizing basil, creepy and disturbing, just like this recent story in the San Gabriel Tribune: Click Here!

The San Gabriel Tribune reports that an Azusa teacher was (merely) placed on leave after posting on Facebook (quote!), "For the next 40 days I will be giving up heroin - in all its forms" as well as celebrating underage drinking in Europe.

Announcing to Facebook that you are Lenting-it-Up with your Heroin use and the school district only Puts you on Leave?! And Mitch was Fired for posing with a Corndog & some Drag Queens? The glaring homophobia shines as bright as sequin glitter-sparkles favored by drag queens, 5 year old girls and pagaent enthusiasts.

The black mushroom tar-substance of the story is thickening! Just like pudding!

Speaking of pudding, I enjoyed my first Philadelphia Tasty Kake yesterday, courtesy of my new favorite HilariousGayComic, Jackie Jones, a Philly native, who also educated us on the Best Philly Steak, found, not in Philly, but in Atlantic City, New Jersey! The Joy of Learning!

There is more exciting pudding-plot thickening going on with Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch, but I'm not allowed to blob about it yet.... Stay tuned...

Love The Ukulady

ps: Tasty Kake, peanut butter flavor, was delicious; way better than any Hostess or Little Debbie product.

pps: I just went to the Tasty Kake website and they have a product called Krimpets! Meeep!

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Exact Location of Balls, Drag Queens & Feeling Plump!

Dear Blob,
My current day job demands I ride around in a car all day looking for hot people in LA who are not actors. Camera-ready, we call them in the industry, so not necessarily hot, but attractive, easy on the eyeballs.

Speaking of balls, my new fabulous lesbian friends came over for dinner this weekend and the conversation turned to talent-shows featuring gay-men in glitter banana-hammock speedos, which led to Chef LB's girlfriend outing her misunderstanding of ball-location.

Apparently, Chef LB never changed boy's diapers, must have spaced-out during man-anatomy/sex-ed and being gay, never had the opportunity to clarify the exact location of the male junk and she thought balls were attached to the male buttocks.

Chef LB's girlfriend kindly shed light on the actual location of balls, attached to the meep and the concern then turned to: when in Flashdance-like leotard costumes, where do drag-queens tuck their junk?

Now that Chef LB discovered balls are not attached to the male buttocks, her concern was how far drag-queen junk has to go to be tucked away; apparently, they tuck it between the cheeks.

In other news, I thought buttocks was a synonym for bosom until I was 15.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Driving around looking for hot people has minimized my exercise-time, particularly yoga and we get free business lunch everyday, which is leading to a plumpening. After business lunch, I call myself Pouchini, Puccini's lesser-known sibling.

pps: Speaking of drag-queens, Fired-for-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch Stein's former water-polo swim-students seem to have started a Bring Our Coach Back Facebook Page. To The Downfall of Evil!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The SoCal Accordion Festival is Coming!

Dear Blob,
The OC Accordion Festival is Next Sunday! Don't miss it at the OC Marketplace in Costa Mesa, CA! Listen to accordions and purchase socks, corndogs & model homes at the exact same time!

Love The Ukulady

Friday, September 30, 2011

Cupcake & Swizzle Stick in "Success!"

Dear Blob,
Many years ago I wrote a song called Cupcakes and Art, singing about how I want a Cupcake Puppet and her boyfriend would be a Swizzle Stick puppet. When I met Adam Brown, the Ukulad, he surprised me with handmade puppets, Cupcake & Swizzle Stick. They will be part of my kids show promoting love, kindness and friendship.

Love The Ukulady

Thursday, September 29, 2011


Dear Blob,
I'm working a real-person day job with no days-off, which makes me too tired these days to think of anything interesting to blob about. However, I can't stand to have the ickily-hateful Charter Oak School superintendent (Mormon) featured as the first Ukulady Blob, so I give you an oldie, but goodie: FriendHeart

To The Downfall of Evil!
Love The Ukulady

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Mitch Tears up on NBC, But No Full Tears for the Haters!

View more videos at:

Mitch Sounds Super Thin in Radio Interview!

Dear Blob,
The tables have turned! Fired-For-Being-Gay, BFF, Mitch, has been my manager for several years; however, now that his story is becoming local and hopefully soon, national news, Mitch wants me to be his manager. Ridiculous.

Readers, please click on this meep to listen to an outstanding Radio Interview with Mitch and LA radio personality, Bill Handel!

And click here to read about Mitch on NBC LA!

Apparently, the NBC article hate-party-lover, Jenny Osterkamp, who's vitriolic quote about pulling her kid off the water-polo team because she hates gay people, isn't even a water-polo parent. She's a bit cold-sorey too; not quite the face the Christian Right wants on-camera....

What's the deal with humans loving to hate? The Ukulad was raised a Southern Baptist and knows the old heeb, Jesus's teachings inside and out and tells me that all that dude wanted was for humans to love and care for each other.

As I've blobbed about before, the homosexuals hated in the bible are not our pals in Weho, the Castro, Your Neighborhood and Every Neighborhood on Planet Earth, but the war-mongering humans who pillaged, burned and raped everyone and everything in Egypt, Assyria, Rome, Babylonia and such.

Same idea as Don't Eat Shellfish; these days we have fridges and ice, so shrimp is cool. These days Homosexuals mean the awesome peeps who have the best taste, throw the best parties, get married & raise kids. It's genetic. Poor Michelle Bachman's husband - sooooooo gay! He'd probs love nothing more than to meep it up at Hamburger Mary's with a gaggle of fab drag queens. He probs watches Logo on the sly.

To The Downfall of Evil, indeed.
Love The Ukulady

ps: Mitch sounds really thin in the radio interview!

"You Can't Have My Tears!" Fired-for-Being-Gay Mitch shouts!

Dear Blob,
I was going to wake up early and listen to formerly Gay-Bear-Manager-Mitch, now, Fired-for-Being-Gay Mitch on Bill Handel's popular morning radio show, but I missed it due to extreme bed-coziness; however, he and Devynn are featured on the front page.

In other news, Mitch's lawyer is starting the vast paperwork party it takes to serve suing-party papers to Homophobia High, aka Charter Oak High School of Covina, CA and Mitch is continuing to be the best water-polo-parent & money-raiser, hosting an inner-tube fundraiser recently.

NBC wanted him on the 11o'clock news, but Mitch didn't want to cry on-camera. "They can't have my tears!" he dramatically announced via phone. I pictured him raising his fist to the Pomona nightsky as he shouts, "I want to be on TV! I want to tell my story! But they can't have my tears!" Love it.

Meanwhile: 5 Linguistic & Visually Pleasing Words & Word-Combos

1. Kvetchup: a condiment for Heebs
2. Wussies from Worcester (must properly pronounce Worcester as Wooster)
3. Bored Boarders in the Whore Quarter (of the city)
4. Pork Wheels
5: Man Ham

Love The Ukulady

ps: 6. Trilogy: a name

Monday, September 26, 2011

Eco-Tips from The Unicorn Whisperer: Recyling Propane!

Dear Blob,
It's time for everyone to Recycle, Re-Use & Re-Believe in Unicorns.

Love The Ukulady

Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch on Perez Hilton & Corndog Enthusiasm!

PHOTOS: Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch & fiancee, Hugo, Ukulady & Corndog!

Dear Blob,
It's too bad Mitch is engaged to be married to his partner because he if he wanted to, he could have a million dates since being Featured on the Front Page of Perez Hilton last Friday! You read-heard that right, Blob, Gay Icon, Perez Hilton picked up Fired-For-Being-Gay, Mitch's story and featured him alongside Linsdsay, Brittney, Kendra and all the other Hollywood Party Meeps!

Due to working a real-person job, I'm a bit behind the blobbing and was unable to blob this breaking news. What a dream for a gay media enthusiast!

I just searched for the link and discovered Perez has 2 websites, and Perhaps FitHilton is the new, thin 'n' fit Perez's website. Pleasingly, Mitch is on the Thin website,, although Perez used the unflattering picture and Mitch looks a bit...puffy and totally cranky. Not the ideal attitude for a date, which isn't going to happen as Mitch is engaged to Hugo, but if it were, the potential Million Dates would probably change the Cranky Attitude Mitch to Happy Mitch Party Meep!

In other news, Ukulad and I inherited a food garden from the NeoSurrealists, who went to MIT to be Geniuses and we are having major bug and fungus issues. Ants and giant antish creatures are having a chomp-festival on the peppers and weird mushrooms, which exude a black, oily substance, are springing up all around the basil & artisan spring mix-greens.

I thought the black mushroom ooze was tar, but closer inspection revealed bulbous mushroom heads, something the homophobic Charter Oak High School Principal would find offensive-in-appearance, bursting through the soil and soiling potential dinner. Ukulad is worried they are poisonous mushrooms, but I feel confident that they are unharmful; more research is needed. This is why I've always grown succulents only; they are almost impossible to kill and take almost no care.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I'm preparing to start the International Corndog Association or Global Corndog Network or Universal Corndog Alliance.
The website will be a venue for Corndog Enthusiasts to post photos of them & their Corndogs! We will celebrate The Corndog via pictures so we don't gain enormous pouches...

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Power of Grassroots Blobbing: Mitch's Story Everywhere!

PHOTO: The Ukulady's Pet: The Unicorndog!
Dear Blob,
Grassroots blobbing worked! You, blob, using your blobby tenticles, reached a real reporter for the Glendora Patch, who's story subsequently meeped Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch's story out to the Gay Blobbing Galaxy and now Mitch and Devynn are featured on the front page of! If one googles Gay Coach Charter Oak, Mitch's story is everywhere!

This is not the way Mitch planned to get famous; he is a hilarious writer, storyteller & Entertainment Visionary. He is responsible for The Ukulady's early youtube fame, getting me a million hits and always has a brilliant showbiz scheme meeping around in his head.

I am relieved I'm no longer responsible for being the Interweb Voice of Mitch's story and somewhat shocked that the power of Grassroots Blobbing actually works. The more I read versions of Mitch's firing, the more ridiculous and outrageous it becomes. I hope the National Corndog Association gets aboard our Outrage-Train and sues Charter Oak for slander.

After I wrote the above sentence, I googled National Corndog Association and found no url, but did find National Corndog Day! Now I'm excited! And wondering if I should start The National Corndog Association... a non-profit dedicated to the advancement of Corndog Appreciation and Corndog Celebration.... Seeking Intern to Help Ukulady launch the National Corndog Association! Must be able to build HTML.

Love The Ukulady
ps: "Look at the Nipple!" I heard my pal say. He said Pitbull. Pitbull Nipple.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Fired-For-Being-Gay, Mitch's News Stories Hit the Stands!

Dear Blob,
Nothing like being emotionally attached to a media story to remember how slanted and biased the media is, depending on reporters & newspaper ownership. Here are 2 stories by real journalists about Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF, Mitch:

1. The San Gabriel Tribune

2. The Glendora Patch

The San Gabriel Tribune cropped Mitch's daughter, Devynn out of the photo and lays most blame on Mitch's firing for having gaycentric pictures. This is similar to telling a rape victim she's at fault for wearing a mini-skirt.

The entire reason we, Team Stein, feel Mitch has been discriminated against, is because the photos he had on Facebook were neither offensive nor inappropriate, unless you hate drag queens. The San Gabriel Tribue makes the pictures sound racy and outrageous, which they aren't. Boo to the San Gabriel Tribune; Ukulady gives you 3 stars out of 10.

And to make matters worse, they printed a terrible picture of Mitch; he is much cuter in real life. The photo-editors definitely know the way to piss of a gay man: print an unflattering photo of him.

Luckily the Glendora Patch's article is a much more accurate story and gets to the heart of the issue: How has this affected Devynn? And, ultimately, Mitch was a stellar water-polo coach and is an outstanding Dad and the Charter Oak Water Polo Team wants him back.

Kids model behavior. Mitch's firing because he hangs with Drag Queens and poses with corndogs is a green light for kids to rock out at the Hate Festival.

I'm currently reading a 1950's History of the World book, which is surprisingly, outstanding and a reminder that humans have not changed in the past several hundred thousand years. Humans have always been fearful, war-mongering bullies... until they get to know their targets. Then they fall in love. Same old story.

The Ukulady aims to be a Force of Change and continues to campaign for the Downfall of Evil!

Love The Ukulady

ps: Ted Haggarty is going on Celebrity Wife Swap! Poor man; he needs to meep it up with our drag queen friends.

pps: I'm a working girl for the next few weeks, pounding the pavement of LA, seeking camera-ready people with new cars for a market research project; I get business lunch!

ppps: I've inserted a Cute Picture of Mitch to counter the unflattering San Gabriel pic. He's adorable.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Celebrate Thumbs in Joshua Tree & Mitch Update!

Dear Blob,
Like firming a muscle with regular, focused attention, relationships & psyches require firming and nothing firms like a trip out of the city. Ukulad and I packed up our camping gear, costumes & Evil Sandwich and in 3 hours were surrounded by the Pink Rocks of Joshua Tree National Park. A million Thumbs Up!

Speaking of thumbs, I spent some Thumb Appreciation time recently, hiding my thumbs under my hands and using my acting background, super-concentrated on internalizing the sensation of being Thumbless, with only 4 working fingers. If I didn't have thumbs my pointer-finger would become superhero-muscley, ripped, as they say in the gyms, fitness & wrestling arenas of planet earth. I'm so glad I have thumbs; Celebrate Thumbs!

In other news, Open Mics & American Idol-like shows are the Modern Campfires of Today. Humans used to gather round the fire and weave song 'n' stories to entertain the tribe or do shadow puppets. Joshua Tree has primo Shadow-Puppet stages everywhere and our campsite was the scene of several alligator, bird & frog shadow-dramas. Joshua Tree rocks are like the Broadway stage for Shadow Puppets. We couldn't get past Short-form Shadow Puppets with the storyline of existence to mouth-opening-activities to death by being-eaten. Good times!

Love The Ukulady

Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch's story has finally been picked up by a real reporter for the Glendora Patch, a blog attached to the Huffington Post! The actual newspaper, a small Covina/Pomona rag, who was going to run the story decided to put off reporting the story until an actual lawsuit is filed, which could be weeks. We assume the newspaper is backed by Conservatives; why else would they put off reporting the News?

pps: I awoke this morning pleased I don't live in a town called Shrillsville. Shrillsville! A town for the shrill!

Monday, September 19, 2011

We Go Together!

Dear Blob,
I am a Valentine & Nature Enthusiast! This song was written in Barra De Navidad, Mexico and videoed in Joshua Tree, CA.

Love The Ukulady

Thursday, September 15, 2011

10 Pleasing Word Combos: Day 4

Dear Blob,

1. Strippers eating Chicken Strips on the Strip.
2. Frenergy: Friend Energy!
3. Hobosexuals: Peeps who fancy Hobos.
4. Picky & Busy: Sisters
5. Pumice & Hummus: Sisters
6. Miss Fish, the misfit Fish.
7. Turtleneck! The Movie.
8. Manitard: leotard for men; Catchitard: netted leotard; Shellacitard: Glossy leotard.
9. Al Pacino Cheetos
10. The Fez Dispenser: Stocked with Shriner's headwear.

Love The Ukulady
ps: Detective Nibbles & The Wiglet: a Book

10 Pleasing Word Combos: Day 3

Dear Blob,
10 Pleasing Thoughts 'n' Word Combos:

1. The Trip-Trapping of the Von Trapp children...

2. Kim Jong Ill: When you are feeling sickly-despotic/manical; use: "I'm feeling really Kim Jon Ill! I Rule the Universe!"

3. Tidbit Quibble: "Stop Tidbit Quibbling! Todd gets the crumb, Velva gets the morsel!"

4. Flesh Vest & Flesh Cuffs: Kim Jong Il wore a Double-breasted Flesh Vest with Flesh Cuffs.

5. Pillogne: Pillowy Bologne

6. Muffin Man vs. Muscle Man

7. Ukuladian Geometry

8. Temps eating Tempeh in Tempe, Az.

9. Stage Parents vs. Stage Peanuts

10: Organic Ice: "This ice is organic...."

Love The Ukulady

ps: 10.5. Ricotta Frittata on Cibatta!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Update on Fired-For-Being-Gay-in-LA-County, Mitch Stein!

Dear Blob,
Finally gay BFF, Mitch Stein, Fired-For-Being-Gay, has given me the thumbs up to blob about the entire story so far, as I understand it:

As we know, Readers & Blob, Gay-Bear-BFF was fired from his water-polo-coaching job because of 3 photos found on his facebook page by an anonymous parent, who sent the them to the principal and superintendent of Charter Oak High School in Covina, CA.

Breaking News: Mitch is 99% sure that the Anonymous Parent is a former classmate of his who, incredibly, used to gay-bash him in high school!

Here's the Scoop:
Apparently another coach ordered several water-polo players to wash cars for a water-polo-related punishment. One of the car-washers was the son of the Gay-Bashing Anonymous Parent (apparently a Cop!); other carwashing water-polo-players have come forward to say that, upon seeing his kid washing cars, they overheard Gay-Bashing Anonymous Parent say: "I'm going get that F*****g F*gg*t!" Wow.

My breath is taken away with outrage, sadness and disgust. What is so scary to Gay-Bashing Cop-Dad about being Gay?

The good news is most of the water-polo parents are now wearing Team Stein tee-shirts and several other high schools have offered Mitch water-polo-coaching jobs. However, Mitch coached to spend time with his daughter, who by the way, is doing well and loves high school. Strong kid.

The school has yet to respond to Why Mitch Was Fired, but did send 3 certified letters downsizing the facebook photos from Obscene to Inappropriate. Watch out Corndog-Snacking People in Photographs!

Where is the press? Aside from my modest snack-centric blob, there will be an article coming out in a Pomona/Covina rag; but not until Mitch's lawsuit of is filed. Where is the LA Times? If this is how the press covers discrimination & homophobia, no wonder people still feel justified to smugly commit acts of Hate.

Where are the gay folks in the Covina? Why aren't they rallying? Why aren't they loud and angry that someone in their community has been fired for being gay? Sadly, we think that they are scared, afraid of being targets for hate crime. Mitch's firing is sending the gays of Covina and Pomona back into the closet. Makes me want to record an audio cassette of throw-up sounds and magically make it play on loop in the prinicipal's car, office & home.

Something is horribly wrong here. No one is blobbing about this; 1 small-time newspaper has picked up the story, but hasn't even published it yet! Where are the Gay Rights blob-bloggers? Please pick up this news! Don't let the kids of Covina learn from the celebration of hate perpetuated by the Charter Oak High School District.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I wonder how many gay bars the Gay-Bashing Anonymous Cop Parent secretly frequents? Give us a break, Gay-Basher! We know you want to be tagged in the Ukulady's Japanese Creme Collon Cookie picture

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

10 Pleasing Word Combos: Day 2

Dear Blob,
10 Pleasing Thoughts Verbally & Visually: Day 2

1. Shrimp Thins: Crackers
2. Flesh Punch: a beverage
3. Backpack Snack-Yak
4. Tuna Cotillion: Party for Tuna Teens named Tina
5. Flatmeat Melts 'n' Flatmelt Meats
6. Kvetch Cords: Corduroys to wear while kvetching
7. Florkle: Ladel & Fork
8. Jehovah Java: Coffee for the Devout
9. Prostitots: Baby hookers
10: Trader Jews: TJ's for the Heebs

Love The Ukulady

ps: Is Oy in the Dictionary?
pps: Where does the word Corduroy come from? So weird.

Monday, September 12, 2011

10 Pleasing Thoughts: Day 1

Dear Blob,
10 Pleasing Thoughts: Verbally or Visually

1. Minions with Bunions: The Egyptian slaves, hauling all those stone blocks....
2. Excellence Day
3. Fashion Model Fish
4. Spungry: Spunky & Hungry
5. Chartreuse: a girl's name
6. Ganhdi: I put the Fist in Pacifist!
7. She-Whistle vs. He-Whistle
8. Baby-Steps vs. Booby-Traps
9. Christ-Krispies: a Cereal for the Devout
10. Knee Caps: Hats for Knees

Love The Ukulady
ps: Squid Square

Saturday, September 10, 2011

UkuAdventures: Resignation Mired in Capitalism!

Dear Blob,
1. Waiting Rooms are a Vortex of Hell. This week I was forced to watch Gluttony TV in a medical Waiting Room. The only redemption was the fact that I am not actually in a cinematic Far-Sideish Hell and I didn't have to stay there forever.

2. Gluttony TV: Man vs. Food the Television Show is an exceptional example of Humanity at its Worst. If I was an alien mother and my alien child wanted to take the spacecraft to cruise Planet Earth, I would show my alien child an episode of that television show in hopes of deterring his journey.

Yet, the gluttonous part of me enjoys the enormous melty-cheese-heavy foods consumed by the host and I'm interesting in visiting the Giant Food Eateries featured. However by the end of the show, when the host, sweating melted-cheese and MSG, stuffs the last of a 5 pound cheeseburger into his pie-hole, I'm repelled by the Celebration of Gluttony and disappointed, once again, in American Television's Promotion of Excess.

These are times, not of Unawareness of the Dark Side, of which Gluttony is part of, but Resignation mired in Capitalism. "Shrug, sigh, oh well, the '60's movement didn't work; there's a serious water problem, toxic-waste everywhere, politicians have learned nothing from the last 1000 years, human genes will either mutate & get with the program or die-off, so I may as well make some money so I can afford to live in a non-polluted part of planet earth....Mmmm, French Fries..."

When Greed & Narcissism, which seem ingrained in human genetics, are bred out of humans, my pretend Alien Mother will allow my pretend Alien child to visit Planet Earth.

Love The Ukulady

ps: My pal's psychic step-mother (take it in) says that when Planet Earth has catastrophic toxic events occur, like Fukushima, there is a rise in UFO sightenings because radiation affects ET's and the Universe... Time to Celebrate Life Today!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Ukuadventures in LA: Weird-Skin Fever!

Dear Blob,
I forgot to mention I've got some weird splotchy skin condition in the exact same place on both hands, which appeared overnight. It seems to be an allergic reaction, perhaps to plants or dirt, of which I've been dabbling in.

My hands appear to have been splashed with dark stain, the opposite of my imaginary BFF, Michael Jackson's supposed splotchy skin-whitening disease, vitiligo. The weblet of my fingers, when spread like an enthusiastic gymnast, now has super-dark pigment reaching from between the pinkies to each finger-web and the entire fleshy top-hand section near the thumb. It's slightly itchy, now and again but from my interweb research, does not seem to be cancer, thank meep.

Speaking in reading-words, of Michael Jackson, I used to have a re-occuring dream that I helped him, listened to him, like a therapist friend. One night I dreamt my good non-imaginary friend, Jeff Brown, beat out Michael Jackson in Blue Man Group Auditions. I told Jeff of this dream and he went out and auditioned for Blue Man, winning a spot on the Blue Man squad and has been paying his bills catching mock-marshmallows in his mouth for years.

When Brittney Spears was troubled, I dreamt several times I was her helper-therapist friend. Thankfully, those dreams have passed; I have no interest in helping Brittney. Michael, yes, but sadly, he didn't hear my Psychic MeepCall of Friendship.

Love The Ukulady

PS: Fabulous Word Combos:
1. Snack Trolley
2. Diner Dinner Date (Lad and I enjoyed a grilled-cheese date at Mar Vista's 5-star bowling alley diner recently)
3. Sleepwalking Snacktasting

Thursday, September 8, 2011

UkuCrafting Fever!

Dear Blob,
Will someone please invent an awesome hot glue gun? Hot Glue Gun technology is seriously stuck in the sixties.

Love The Ukulady

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Tell a Dog with Grandma Cookie Jar!

UkuAdventures in LA: The Horror of the LA County Fair & Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch Update!

PHOTOS: Wiggle Wurm, Giant Pumpkin, Man's Neck

Dear Blob,
I made the mistake of going to the LA County Fair yesterday. It was dollar-day and Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF Mitch, his daughter Devynn and the Ukulad, were up for the event.

I love county fairs, being surrounded by cordog stands and shiny, bright rides, even though I don't enjoy riding; however the LA County Fair is like the Far Side Hell version of the Fair.

Several years ago I wrote this song about the LA County Fair; perhaps I thought it had changed, but it is still a Vortex of the Worst of Humanity, including:

1. Whore Mommies: These are tarted-up mommies (usually very young), in super-high-heels and skimpy, skin-tight outfits, pushing strollers. Who goes to the Fair in stilettos? Perhaps they have robot-feet.

2. Extreme Pouches: Like Extreme Sports, Extreme Pouches are tummy pouches taken to the next level. LA County Fair patrons, when not in Whore Mommy outfits, are clad in what Tina Fey calls Mom Jeans, I call them Pouch Pants: usually plus-sized humans in thick, tight jeans, waistbanded just under the bosom, cinched tight at the upper waist (located above the belly button), with ballooning pouches sheathed in denim above and below the belt, causing the Extreme Pouch People to resemble gigantic 8's.

3. Babies drinking Slurpees, Sodas & eating French Fries.

4. Mullets, cameltoes, gluttony, consumerism, heat-exhaustion medicated with softee-serve.

6. Family abuse. This was the tipping point of Awfulness. I made the huge mistake of standing in a 30 minute line for a corndog, when I saw an adult man punch a pre-teen boy, who seemed to be his stepson. The mother stood by, snacking on her fried-stick, 2 smaller boys, resembling the adult man, ignored the violence and continued munching fried stix, probably relieved they were not the target.

It was horrible and horrifying and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to give the punched kid a card for a family-abuse hotline/non-profit; I wanted to yell at the mother to protect her kids and notify authorities of the abuse. However, surrounded by thousands of people, flashing ride-lights and carnies hawking, there wasn't much I could do. The father was the kind of guy who would probably punch me if I said anything.

I wanted to take photos of all the incredibly horrible Outfit No's, but instead, I took a picture with my Cameraheart.

Why is the LA County Fair worse than other fairs? It could be the 15 million Angelinos, disconnected to nature and community, unaccustomed to looking strangers in the eyeballs and de-programmed from saying hello on the street. A sea of sweating humans gorging on shiny-tan-foods in checkered baskets made from trees, soon to be landfill.

We marveled at the amount of money coming in; Mitch estimated one carnie stand was bringing in $40 every 5 minutes.

The best part of the fair is the convention hall of plants and tacky National Park displays with paper-mache wolves 'n' bears.

The Ukulad: They tore up real nature to construct fake nature.

Humans flocked to the cool halls of green chlorophyll and kids happily frolicked on a man-made tree-laden hill with dioramas of fake animals mixed with real animals in glass cases. The Angeles Mountains were clear in the distance, the smog of LA joyously blown away. I longed to be in the mountains, but at the same time my eyeballs enjoyed the rainbow sparkles of the carnival rides and portable candy-snack-shacks.

Positive LA County Fair highlights included the table-setting competition, the quilts and looking at old baked goods in competition display cabinets.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Update from Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch: The school district refuses to make a statement and has downgraded his facebook photos from Obscene to Inappropriate. The parents of the water-polo players have made Team Stein tee-shirts and all the players cheered when Mitch appeared on the pool deck, cooler of water and oranges in hand, to cheer on the team.

The homophobic principal announced she would make appear at a water-polo-parent meeting and make a statement, but she was a no-show. Several other high schools have offered coaching jobs to Mitch, but he turned them down, as the point of coaching was to spend time with his daughter. Devynn loves high school. Stay tuned for more.... Newspaper articles should be out soon....

pps: During the Pig Races, I sat behind a man with the most extraordinary crinkly-neck: see photo.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Tell a Dog with Don Black of Ghiant Music!

Dear Blob,
In honor of my BFF, Global Genius, Don Black, Tells a Dog his problems and then feels better!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Headed to the LA County Fair! Mullets, Corndogs & Cameltoe here we come!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

How To Feel Better About Life: Thankful I'm Not a Sister Wife!

PHOTOS: SAG Sister Wives vs. Non-Union Sister Wives

Dear Blob,
I've started watching Sister Wives the reality show on TVComputer. My overwhelming feeling after watching Kody, his 4 wives and 16 kids, is exhaustion and relief that my parents are neither Mormons nor Plural Marriage Enthusiasts.

Watching Sister Wives is a great way to feel good about one's own family. With 4 wives and 16 kids, Sister Wives family-dysfunction is Orange Alert if Family Dysfunction was on the governments color-coded Terror Alert, which by the way, has been phased out. I pitied the awkward teens of the plural-marriage family.

Sister Wives inspired today's Mini-Guide To Feeling Better About Your Life!

1. When feeling low about your family dysfunction, enjoy an episode of Sister Wives! At least you didn't grow up in the world of plural marriage!
2. If you can't watch Sister Wives because you don't have eyeballs or TVComputer, feel thankful you have arms!
3. If you don't have arms, at least you have eyeballs to read this!
4. If your eyeballs don't work, at least you have access to audio technology that allows you to listen to the Ukulady's reasons for feeling thankful.
5. If you are a member of a plural marriage family, think of the Donner Party!

Love The Ukulady

ps: The Ukulad is tired of thinking of the Donner Party in times of stress.

pps: I mourn the television loss of Big Love; SAG Sister Wives are much more visually-pleasing to watch than Non-Union life Sister Wives.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits!

Dear Blob,
Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits! by The Magnetic Fields! Covered by The Ukulady & The Evil Sandwiches!

Love The Ukulady
ps: Stay tuned for the Continuing Gaga of Mitch Being Fired Because He Is Gay! Waiting for the update....

Monday, August 29, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: The Power of Cookies!

PHOTOS: Mitch & his Daughter, Powerful Japanese Cookies!

Dear Blob,
A few months ago while shopping at my local Japanese grocery I took a photo of a package of Japanese cookies called Cream Collons, posted it to facebook and tagged my best gay friends in it. They were amused.

Last week my BFF, Mitch Stein, was fired from his water-polo coaching job at his daughter's high school, for being gay. An anonymous parent sent the principal and superintendent of Charter Oak
High School in Covina an angry letter demanding Coach Stein be fired and included:

1. a photo of Mitch and some drag queens
2. Mitch eating a corndog
3. my Cream Collon Cookies photo.

Within a couple hours of his firing, four gay lawyers offered their services for free and dozens of parents of water-polo players wrote letters demanding that the best coach they've ever had, be re-hired.

The Principal and Superintendent insist Mitch was not fired for being gay, pointing out they have several other gay teachers. Mitch points out the other gay teachers are the Good kind of Gay: Quiet. Mitch is anything but a Quiet Gay. Aside from his desire to get back on the pool deck and coach, he's hoping this situation will secure him a spot as Grand Marshal of Gay Pride Long Beach.

I am beyond appalled that humans who consider themselves educators of children are promoting discrimination and homophobia. My tax dollars are going to a public school system that is celebrating and modeling Hate. The kids of Charter Oak High School are being taught homophobia and I'm angry! I'm sickened and sad for the Gay Kids of America and outraged that so-called child-advocates consider it ok to choose Hate over Human Sexuality.

I have some questions for Principal Kathleen Wiard and Superintendent Terry Stanfill of Charter Oak High School in West Covina:

1. How will you fight discrimination and homophobia in your school?

2. What message does the firing of Coach Stein send to the Gay Students? To the straight students?

To me their actions say Hate is Cool! it's ok to fire someone for being loudly, openly gay; and if you are a gay student, you better keep quiet or risk future jobs and professional opportunities.

3. Why do you, Principal & Superintendent, think Coach Stein thinks you fired him because he is gay?

Apparently the Principal & Superintendent and Anonymous Mormon parent prefer hate over human sexuality. Why are humans so afraid of human sexuality? Perhaps because it puts us on the same level as animals and humans want to think we are more than animals. We aren't. Not yet.

I would far prefer my theoretical child to learn about human sexuality of all kinds than hate.

Please pass this blog on Readers. Making the principal & superintendent's shamefully hateful act public, is part of the Downfall of Evil.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Mitch, saavy heeb he is, had even gotten the water-polo team a $500/month sponsor.

pps: This principal and superintendent will never work in Hollywood with this kind of attitude. I hope they have really bad hair, outfits and home decor forever, as no gay should ever give them any fashion or decorating advice.

ppps: Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. I love advice and hot tips from my gays. We all have our strengths: I've got a fiscally-saavy-heeb gene; Ukulad, from the South, is leisurely-slow; Cameron blows away feng-shui furniture arrangers.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

UkuAdventures: Kim Jong Il Should Read the Far Side!

Dear Blob,
Maybe if Kim Jong Il read the Far Side, he would lighten up and the people of North Korea could enjoy the interweb, world travel and reading literature other than books about Kim Jong Il.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I'm particularly partial to Far Side Chickens.

pps: I drove to the Bay Area today! Little is as soothing as the feeling of being in my homeland and I was like a junkie for the summer Northern California Air, inhaling giant sniffs, unable to get enough of it. Thrilling and joyful to see the starry sky again.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: Monster Truck Hits The Ukulady!

PHOTOS: Ukulady, Phil Proctor of Firesign Theater & Evil Strawberry Sandwich!

Dear Blob,
I started my day calling 911 and ended my day with doughnut crumbs in my hair. An unbelievable 10 hours.

After an early am hour in excruciating lady-pain, moaning on the couch, thinking of the pioneers, clutching my pouch and awaiting ibuprofen to kick in, which it did, I embarked on an excursion to my voiceover agency in Studio City.

My car was fresh with 2 new tires and an alignment after the flat tire on the 405 incident 2 days ago. I and Zippy Cupcake entered the hell of the 405 North at morning rush hour. I turned on my indicator, checked my mirrors, noticed a monster truck in the next lane, behind me, with plenty of room to merge. I began to change lanes and was shocked when the monster truck hit me smack on the back of my car. I pulled to the side of the 405 for the second time in 3 days and surprisingly, another small silver car also pulled over. Apparently the monster truck hit both of us and oddly, in the exact same place. She had been behind me, merging as well and he clearly did not see either of us. My theory is his truck was too high and our cars are low to the ground.

It was ridiculous being in the shoulder of the 405 twice in 3 days. The truck driver became defensive and schmucky, yelling at me and the other girl in the small car that we had run into him. It was an odd moment, deciding to call 911; I was unsure whether it was a 911 situation. It was an emergency but not life-threatening; there should be another number for Sort-Of-Emergencies; Non life-threatening emergencies.

The coppers arrived and we were ordered back in our cars while they did their police business. Awaiting the cops for my story-version, there was another fender bender right next to us. It was surreal, watching and hearing their crunching crash and I felt somewhat jealous of them because their accident situation was not going to involve waiting for cops, as they were already right there with our accident. We could have had an accident party and networked!

Police report done, car inspected, it appeared I could drive on to my audition. I pulled on to the freeway and got up to about 50 mph, when I heard beeping and a white car pulled up alongside me, frantically waving for to get off the freeway. Thank meep I did, because the white car turned out to be a AAA technician who noticed my back tire, where the Monster Truck hit it, wobbling and about to come off!

My new BFF, Daniel, the AAA Technician from El Salvador, saved my life! Chatting with him as we awaited Alphie and his tow truck, I felt like I was in the movie Crash. Daniel and I discussed God, The Universe, Death, Nature & Pupusas. I got to know about Daniel's absent father and his pre-school teacher wife, whom he brought from El Salvador. He knew my voiceover work from The Sims and Silent Hill and we talked about having children. It was a cinematic meeting and I hugged him farewell when Alphie arrived.

Alphie, a recent UCLA microbiology graduate, inspected my car, declared my axel bent and towed my car to Jessy the Mechanic.

Along the way, Alphie told me a riveting story of his college buddies who were recently beaten by SF Cops and had captured it on video! One of the beaten kids's father is a Bel Air Lawyer/DA. Bad kid for the police to beat up. Alphie also revealed he'd towed Jay Leno's car and Pierce Bronsnan's, who startled Alphie with his extraordinary in-real-life-beauty, even though Alphie is not gay. It was the best AAA experience possible.

Jessy the Mechanic was awesome, insurance-reporting was smooth and Dayton at Hertz was hilarious. Five hours after I left the Marshmallow, I arrived at my agency where I pretended to be cartoon flamingo twins. I hope I book the parts.

I arrived home to Jessica for band rehearsal and collapsed, my body depleted of energy from the adrenalin.

Somehow I revived by 7 to play dress-up and perform songs at a variety show for an audience of Phil Proctor of Firesign Theater and other oddball artists. I wore my pioneer bonnet for a rendition of Campfire Vampire. After the show, Jessica bought us doughnuts, reminiscent of our Churro Times in Mexico.

I returned the the Marshmallow and wearing my doughnut pants, covered in glaze and powdered sugar, considered my day; it was unexpected, but the smoothest, most pleasant car-garbagecrap day/experience/event possible, thanks to Daniel, Alphie & Jessy. They made me want to be a AAA Technician, the Modern Hero.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Lately I've been wanting to do every job I've been around: Elvis Impersonator, AAA Techie, Mechanic, Accordion Player....

pps: Everyone's LA Car-Crap Card comes up at some point. May the past 4 days last me many years to come.

UkuAdventures in LA: Mumu of Fear & Kimmy Jong Il has FUN!

Dear Blob,
Humans in olden-days cultures chewed on willow bark to alleviate pain; I can't help but feel so wimpy when I'm in agonizing lady-pain, popping several necessary ibuprofen, thinking of pioneer women giving birth, sometimes alone and then getting up a day later to walk across the country and on the way, slaughtering a buffalo for tallow to make soap to wash laundry and dishes. If they were near a tree, let alone a willow tree, for pain-alleviating-twig-suckling or just old-fashioned shade, they were extraordinarily lucky.

In other news, I was waiting for my car to get new tires yesterday in the Tire-ery waiting room and the 24 hour News Network was playing continuous coverage of the rare East Coast earthquake. It is geologically exciting and I'm sure East Coast geologists are giddy with delight, but the 24 hours News Network, as per their job description, was ridiculously over-dramatic. Their ability to dramatize some broken knick-knacks was impressive.

The 24 hour News Networks must be responsible for one of the many Mumus of Fear that drape over our scared and plump nation; unfortunately, not a kitschily fabulous, form-fitting mumu but the ugly tent-like mumu designed to hide the problems underneath, designed for those who've given up and are resigned.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Kim Jong Il recently went on a field trip to a Russian grocery store and went boating with Russian Leaders, while chatting about Nuclear testing. NPR quoted Kimmy as calling the trip "Fun!" It's nice Kimmy gets to have so much Fun! Life is Fun! Apparently, Kimmy wants to resume socializing with other world leaders and start "talks" about his Nuclear toys.

I'm pleased the Russians were clever enough to mask the weight of Nuclear Chit-Chat under the pleasure of boating and Grocery-Store-Browsing. I know I like to have heavy discussions in the cookie aisle and as previously noted, the Ocean (or large-body-of-water) is Natural Valium. Great Work Russians!

pps: I love the visual image of Kimmy Jong Il eagerly perched on the brow of a boat, wind blowing his hair-piece back, jowls flapping, a healthy flush on his stem-cell-infused cheeks, perhaps an expensive Italian sweater casually draped across his evil-doer shoulders, a glass of cognac in hand....

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: The Donner Party, Pancakes & Gadhafi!

Dear Blob,
Late last night I made the mistake of googling The Donner Party. After a few minutes of reading various diary accounts I realized that immersing myself in The Donner Party lore before bedtime was a terrible choice, as I'm renown in the UkuMarshmallowHouse for having nightmares.

To rid my subconscious of The Donner Party's accounts of starvation, death and cannibalism, I googled Pancakes.

I did not have nightmares.

Love The Ukulady

ps: In honor of our non-friend, Mallomar Gadhafi, enjoy an old Ukulady tune!

pps: When is that Mallomar going to bow out? Get the hint, dude! Wouldn't it be more fun to spend your senior years on a Mediterranean island doing karaoke and eating pancakes rather than die amidst dusty rubble? What is wrong with these meglomaniacs?

pps: I am a maple syrup snob and refuse corn syrup syrup; however, if I was a Donner PArty member, I would be thrilled to eat corn syrup syrup!

Monday, August 22, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: Fear Propaganda, Velveeta & Seeds!

Dear Blob,
Driving around LA, I'm disgusted by the amount of billboards for new movies and television that base their ad campaigns around Fear. Like whiny Luke Skywalker in the first Star Wars, I feel whiny about Fear Propaganda; "When will Americans realize our society is based on Fear Propaganda?" Whine I in a whiny meep.

When I was on my way to Mexico for 5 weeks, more than 5 friends looked stricken upon learning of my destination and warned me against getting kidnapped. I was surprised that so many well-educated, saavy and seemingly-courageous friends of mine still believe everything the news says. Thanks American News for Meeping up the Mexican Tourism industry! It would be like someone saying to an LA-bound tourist, "Ahh! Careful you don't get shot!" Interestingly, many non-Americans I've met believe that all Americans carry guns.

Videogames about war and fighting, television about murder and crime, films about murder and betrayal, books on sex and vampires; this is what our society is raising new humans on. Since the rise of Monotheism, humans have relied on Fear Propaganda and I find it mind-blowing that Fear Propaganda is still going strong; it's numero uno! Fear is Little Miss Pretty Princess, Gold Medal Winner, Valedictorian!

The Hollywood movie billboards are a sad joke on humanity. Millions of dollars wasted on a couple hours of chip-eating-inducing escapsim about either fat stoners or sexy murder. The Hollywood moguls would seemingly rather buy another vacation house than stand up to their peers and say, "Meep this! I'm going to make a 100 million dollar film about kindness!" Bummer for the masses who don't have the privilege of a private school education which encouraged me to be a critical thinker and question, rather than fill-in-the-SAT-bubbles and remain a frightened chip-eating sheep. I'm a chip-eating questioner.

The news frightens people of the wrong things. A tiny part of Mexico is dangerous, not the entire country. What is dangerous is the Fukushima nuclear waste spreading throughout the globe. The news considers Jessica Simpson's fat more important than radioactive poisoning, which is Everywhere. Apparently the Fear Propaganda leaders prefer to keep humans scared of each other and mind-broadening world-travel.

The pioneers were told by pioneer newspapers that the Indians were bloodthirsty, so they set off into Indian Territory terrified and racist. Genocide comes from Fear Propaganda.

I'm not scared of international travel or Muslims or checking out Watts Towers in Watts. I'm not scared of people; I'm scared of what the media doesn't tell us: that there is nuclear waste and toxic poison seeping into every corner of planet earth.

I'm scared my years in LA will compromise my health because after all, Readers, LA is a Nuclear Wasteland. How do we get the word out that a Nuclear Meltdown Larger than Three Mile Island happened here in Los Angeles and has never been cleaned up? Does anyone care? Attention San Fernando Valley Dwellers: You are living amidst Nuclear Waste! Don't let your kids play in the dirt outside! Seriously. That's something to be scared of, not taking a trip across borders.

Because of the invention of Money, humans continue to foster racism and xenophobia. Poor humans; too stupid to realize positive thinking is the best choice, until some idiotic book like The Secret comes along, the saavy authors making billions off Human Insecurity.

In other news, how can Velveeta possibly be cheese? I was nibbling leftover Velveeta, which some non-hippie-raised hippie brought over and a droplet fell on my lap. I peeled it off and not a trace remained; it was like plastic. The Lad looked up Velveeta ingredients and apparently it is not technically plastic; however, any food that peels off fabric without leaving a mark can't actually be food.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I planted seeds of basil and artisan salad spring mix a week ago and little green sproutlets are shooting up! Its' so rewarding! Everyone should plant seeds; it feels so fantastic! It should be a requirement in school: gardening from seeds!

UkuAdventures in LA with UkuMommy!

PHOTOS: Elvisfans, Honey Butters gets Flat Tire, Mom & Uncle Jhn with Cheri Pann of Mosaic Tile House, UkuMom & Uncle's Childhood House, 2nd Mar Vista Childhood house

Dear Blob,
This weekend was beyond stimulating. I journeyed to more neighborhoods in the past 2 days than I have in the past 6 months. Friday was an adventure with UkuMom & Director Di from Venice to Los Feliz to Lincoln Height's St. Vincent De Paul Thrift Store, the largest in LA, to surprisingly outstanding fish tacos in Highland Park, to Studio City where, like the fish tacos, we were surprised to see an outstanding play.

Throw in a yoga class with my teacher in town from Bali, which, with a tiny foot adjustment, resulted in my first pain-free yoga practice in 18 months. Director Di, in her fabulous British accent, wove stories of being mugged at 3am on Christmas Eve, after deciding to go grocery shopping and being freelancers-broke at 61, without enough money one morning to take the bus and then a residual check for 27,000 pounds arriving in the evening. A transformative and road-weary day.

Saturday we journeyed into a time-machine vortex in my mom’s childhood neighborhood and my current hood, of Mar Vista with my mom's brother, Uncle John, who drove us up and down the streets of their youth from 1946 - 1951. Memories of slug-collecting, a still-damaged pinky-finger slammed in the gate of Mar Vista Elementary, my uncle's paper route, my mom being refused a paper-route because of gender, a nursery called Flowerland, their father's soda-fountain in the now-Whole-Foods, celery fields, scooter-riding down hills; in between the memories we stopped at garage sales, where UkuMom scored 2 valuable works of art for $5 and $20, potentially worth $500 - 1500. Interesting universe-energy that she garage-sale-scores in her childhood neighborhood….

We rang the doorbell of their childhood house and the surprised current resident, a recently discharged-Marine, graciously gave us a tour of her family’s home, which her father had lived in for 40 years. Minds blown, UkuMom and Uncle John wandered around their old house, a giant Spanish style with sweeping arches. My mom tripped and fell against the closet where she remembered being beaten with a rod and she pointed out her upstairs patio, where she'd watch the clouds roll by. Serious vortex of mind-magic.

Exhausted from garage sales and memories, we lunched at Casablanca and then were privileged enough to get a tour of the extraordinary folk-art extravaganza, the Mosaic Tile House. We were beyond withered, but remembering the Donner Party, we napped and somehow, doughnuts in hand, made it to a fabulous gayman party in Larchmont, complete with BBQ/Southern-cooking catering and so many Hott people, I felt the urge clutch my pouch and shout at the ridiculously-hot 'n' slim party-goers:

"This is a Pouch! It's a naturally-occurring body-part in 99% of the Women of Planet Earth!"

Then I decided we were all hot and if we competed in a Who Is The Hottest Party Pageant, our party would win. Then I created a reality television show around the concept and pitched it to my EP friend.

It was a weekend-orgy of extraordinary experiences. Most weeks the most exciting thing I do is make friends with the clerk at Trader Joes'.

The scoop is, Blob 'n' Readers, Sunday still hadn't happened yet.

Sunday: a workday, booked to entertain at the 12th annual Elvisfest. I woke up at 7am, dressed up as Honey Butters, Elvis's pretend manager, beehived, heavily-makeupped, be-mumu-ed and wearing a giant TCB foam necklace, and I got on the road at 8am to Orange County. 3 minutes on the 405 South, one of the busiest freeways on planet earth, I got a flat tire. In my Elvisfest outfit. I thought of the Donner Party.

An hour late to work at Elvisfest from the flat tire, Honey Butters was a hit with the ancient Elvis superfans, who were ridiculously enthusiastic, almost manic, during the Elvis Impersonator sets. Elvisfest is at the OC Marketplace, a swap-meet where you can purchase anything, from socks to produce to a pre-fab house. 5000 people, at least 50 Elvi and hundreds of fans who were acting like
1. Teenagers
2. Elvis is not dead and every Elvis impersonator is actually Elvis.

I shepherded a very popular Elvis around the fest, handed out Elvis stickers to screaming Old-People-Teenagers and made it home for teatime with Ukumom's friend from the early '60;s, character actor, Larry Hankin, and Evil Sandwich, Jessica, resident genius of all things.

We ate plums from Hummingbird Hall, jicama & Japanese rice crackers, discussing the denial of the wealthy, human greed and the decline of human evolution. Good Times!

Love The Ukulady

ps: The past 3 days was like going to a Buffet, but I didn't feel sick at the end and it was fabulous, not sickly.