Friday, November 19, 2010

Catherine Keener is Not my English Teacher

Dear Blob,
One of the many interesting things about living in LA is the frequent celebrity run-ins & sightings us peasants are exposed too. While it takes someone very special, like a Amy Sedaris or Jennifer Saunders, to nauseate me with excitement & celebrity-worship, I am still affected by everyday contact with the famous; whether its the surrealism of the moment, eating licorice whips with Alice Cooper or the simple puzzling distraction whether Catherine Keener was my teacher in high school.

That was yesterday at Whole Foods. Perusing the cold-prepared case for a snack, I glanced at the tall, bookish lady I'd sidled up to. Reaching for olive tapanade, I instantly recognized her as a Marin Academy Instructor & then realized she taught Steve Carrell how to Do It, not High School English.

I am always struck with indecision at the Whole Foods prepared-snack cases, debating the value of chard-salad vs. grape leaves. As I stood beside Catherine Keener, considering olive tapanade, concern I was lingering too long struck me; She was lingering too and, stricken with self-consciousness, I worried she thought I was lingering because she was lingering.

Impulsively, I decided to serve Olive Tapanade appetizers at my upcoming Asian-themed dinner party and skittered towards the bread, simultaneously judging my future Italian-Asian fusian dinner party I was hosting for a professional Entertainer-Stylist I'd, not only never met, but was hoping would bestow me with a Ukulady Crafts-For-Kids TV Show, and fretting that Catherine Keener thought I was following her, as I came face to face with her over the baguette-bin. I also worried about the length of the future-sentence describing this moment.

She was dressed down, in fleece, makeup-free & reminded me of a weary Marin MILF. I admire Catherine Keener; her career choices, performances, etc.... While I was not breathless, as Coach Wolf from Strangers With Candy, had made me at Coffee Bean nor dazed & confused as Lindsey Lohan stepping-out-of-an-elevator-as-I-stepped-in, made me, I was struck with a feeling further word-research-is-needed, to describe. Weirdness, awkwardness...

I rushed away from the bread, hopefully settling Catherine's worry that I was a obsessive fan following her around Whole Foods; In my rush to get away from Catherine I reconsidered the Italian-Asian fusion dinner, deposited the tapanade & baguette on top of over-priced artisan chocolate, hastily grabbed an expensive juice & checked out.

It's awkward shopping alongside celebrities. They should have their own grocery stores, so's not to distract us peasants from shopping duties. In a sense, they do. The Santa Monica Whole Foods is primarily for the upper-class. Plastic-surgeried old ladies, foreheads smooth, eyes unnaturally stretched backwards, clutch their withered-at-the-neck husbands, who are clad in inappropriate-for-their-age skin-tight v-neck black tee-shirts.

Maybe today I'll go to yoga with ladies from CSI again.
Love The Ukulady
ps: The impulse-purchase of expensive juice is a whole other issue.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Forgive Kanye West Club!

Dear Blob -
I physically splurted my coffee out upon reading the AP "news" headline: George Bush Forgives Kanye West. There are so many things wrong with this headline; I almost read the article, but realized there is no need; all I need to do is applaud George Bush & Taylor Swift for not letting Kanye West get them down! Now that they've forgiven Kanye, here is a to-do list for George Bush & Taylor Swift:

1. Get together in person or virtually and start an Official I Forgive Kanye club! You guys can charge fees for us peasants to join, and make even more money!


2. Start 2 separate I Forgive Kanye West clubs: One for the regular people (still charge fees) and then another for the Elite of Planet Earth; then you can have elite parties with better catering, cuter outfits and budget to hire Kanye to entertain at the club meetings! The peasants can have their own club and meet at Walmart.

3. Record an album together! George, you've owned a baseball team, started a war & lied to millions, what better career move than recording some duets with America's Sweetheart, Taylor Swift?! (also, you'll score cool-dad points with Jenna & Barbara)

4. Tour the world with the Forgive Kanye West album, book & heck, why not, reality TV show! You guys are gonna rake it in!

5. Pose for photo opps with Kanye, preferably in a rural third-world village, surrounded by rag-tag children.

6. Encourage Taylor to adopt a 3rd world baby and sign-on, with Laura, as the adoptive Grandparents & Kanye as uncle! You guys are going to be so popular!

7. Reach out to Kim Jong Il, Ahmadinejad and other dicatators of the world. Nothing brings the world together like the Power of Music; and particularly music based on mutual Forgiveness of Kanye West! You guys might win the Nobel Peace Prize!

8. George, maybe you could get a hair weave and be twins with Taylor! People love twins! Maybe you guys can even be triplets with Kanye! You guys could wear matching outfits! You'll totally bring the world together!

Maybe the aliens, that we know are out there, but refuse to visit planet earth because we are so un-evolved and stupid, will visit now! Forgiving Kanye West is not only going to bring the world together, but possibly The Universe!

Thanks for promoting Forgiveness, George & Taylor!
Love The Ukulady
ps: Lindsey is still in rehab.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Cartoon Chickens vs. Real Chickens: A Query

Dear Blob -
Why are Cartoon Chickens so adorably comical and real Chickens so terrifyingly sinister? The creepy, beady eyes of real chickens are like stabby knife-marbles, angry and stupid, constantly demanding my brain wrap around the query, "How can real chickens be so terrifyingly ugly, yet so delicious?"

Little is more tasty than a dinner of roast chicken, perhaps with a side of polenta, steaming basmati rice & artisan greens. Yet real chickens, while interesting-looking, are undeniably grotesque & pecky.

On the other hand, Cartoon Chickens are always hilarious and delightful. Cartoon Chickens are never scary, even those meant to frighten. Cartoon Chickens are a joy to behold & Chickens, as a topic, are consistently amusing & interesting.
It’s a question rich for global salons, conversation-parties, debate-halls & literary tomes. Get on it Peeps.

Love The Ukulady

ps: I’m partial to Cartoon Chickens wearing human- accessories, like capes, neckties & ruffles.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Mystery of the Missing Chicken

Dear Blob -
Ukulady & Lad are Chicken-Sitting 5 chickens. Our duties are simple: let the chickens out of the coop in the morning and tuck them in at night. Last night, at dusk, we ventured into the yard to perform our chicken-sitting duties and to our dismay, there were only 4 chickens nestled in the coop. Distraught, we searched high and low for the missing yellow chicken, but after much fruitless chicken-seeking, we had to admit our chicken-sitting failures. After using a flashlight to search the nooks and crannies of the coop, we sadly concluded Yellow Chicken had been stolen by a hawk or had vanishing-into-thin-air-abilities. Sadly, we locked the 4 chickens in their coop and over a delicious chicken dinner, discussed where the Yellow Chicken could have gone. Sounds like a classic case of the Chicken-Sitters eating the chicken, but our dinner was rotisserie, not Missing Yellow Chicken.

Upon waking this morning, Ukulad went to let the remaining 4 chickens out of the coop and found, in the coop, 5 chickens! Somehow Yellow Chicken re-appeared in the night and joined her fellow chickens! Yellow Chicken either possesses Powers of Invisibility and was always in the coop or it's a Magical Coop because we eyeball-scoured that coop and yard yesterday and Yellow Chicken was not there. This morning she was. The Mysterious Magical Chicken!

Ukulady & Lad's chicken-sitting reputations are restored!

Signing off from The House of the Mysterious Chickens!
Love The Ukulady

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Kool-Aid Man returns!

Dear Blob,
After a many-year hiatus, joyfully, The Kool-Aid Man has returned to television! I've missed his buoyant enthusiasm and am pleased the Kool Aid media moguls have belatedly recognized Kool-Aid Man''s ageless appeal. However, the new Kool-Aid Man wears pants. Upon viewing the new Kool-Aid commercial, I knew something was wrong. I was to see Kool-Aid Man again; flashbacks to Saturday Morning cartoons in the '80's while crunching dense bowls of grape-nuts with honey, jog-shuffled through my head. But something felt off with this new Kool-Aid Man.

He is portrayed as gracious and generous, giving up his waiting-for-the-bus-seat to a pregnant lady, instilling positive ethics in the television viewers. But something was wrong. Then the Ukulady unicorn light went Meep! Kool-Aid Man does not wear pants! He's a pitcher of Kool-Aid.

Manpanion and I did important, scholarly research on the interweb and discovered, yes, the Old Kool-Aid Man does not wear pants. New Kool Aid Man looks stupid in pants.

Pants have 2 purposes: providing coverage for modesty and warmth. It doesn't seem to be cold in the bus-seat-commercial and Kool-Aid Man is not a real man with man-junk. Kool-Aid Man is a pitcher of Kool-Aid and be-panting him conjures creepy images of Kool-Aid Man junk.

I applaud the return of Kool-Aid Man, but for Meep's sake, keep him a pitcher of Kool-Aid. Take off his pants!
Love The Ukulady
ps: Poor Lindsey Lohan! Again!
pps: Ukulad did an interweb search for motivational music and Eye of the Tiger was the first song to pop into his uklad head. meep!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Celebrate National Gaydar!

Dear Blob,
I know I live in a bubble where being gay is awesome and celebrated; I'm jealous I'm not part of the family, but it is still startling to read that potential-Supreme-Court-Justice Kagan and the White House denies "charges" she's gay. The good news is USA has some pretty great National Gaydar!

I'm pleased I'm not the only one who thought, upon viewing Kagan in her pearls & dress, "Oh, I'll bet she loves getting into her after-work jeans and tee."

Across from the news of Kagan's rumored sexual-preference was the news of the Pope calling same-sex marriage and abortion the most "insidious" issues facing our world today. Are you kidding me, Leader of the Child Abusers?! Population control and Celebrating Love are the Leaders of the Light. Insidious behavior is brain-washing, abusing children and enslaving women by burdening them with instinctual care-giving to children they cannot fiscally support.

No wonder ET's are uninterested in Earth; humans are ridiculously un-evolved.

However, upon the brink of Pride Month, let us look on the bright side and celebrate National Gaydar!

Love The Ukulady

ps: Other news includes Lindsey Lohan's upcoming music album. So that's where she's been!
pps: At least Lindsey celebrated Love, being Out and often engaged in PDA with her ex-girlfriend. Kagan is clearly more private; but being a public figure and closeted in 2010 is a waste of opportunity to be a role model and spokesperson for the millions of gay youth struggling with self-worth and self-love.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Undersea Robots & Square Fail to Save World

Dear Blob,

The Undersea Robots failed to Save the World. Apparently Squares aren't as powerful as we all thought. Perhaps BP should call in Velvetina Evilwich's fleet of Evil Sandwiches; they could cluster, creating a vast sandwich shield and their evil sandwich bread could soak up the gushing oil, as sandwich-bread soaks sandwich-dressings into it's doughy shelter. Oil, aoli, what's the difference, besides an A?

Love The Ukulady
ps: Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all my mom friends. Even Velvetina Evilwich and her Evil Sandwiches have moms somewhere...

Friday, May 7, 2010

Undersea Robots & A Box Save the World!

Dear Blob -
Undersea Robots are trying to save Planet Earth & the Louisiana Seafood industry! The Big Pickle, as I've always called British Petroleum, is in a Huge Pickle, as their Gulf oil well spews thousands of gallons of oil a minute into prime Shrimping 'n' Swimming seas. Their solution: Undersea Robots wielding a Giant Box. Geometry Enthusiasts rejoice! The Square, beloved by mathematicians & children throughout the world, is finally seizing the limelight!

Our world has become a cartoon, complete with drama-queen dictators sporting clownish spectacles, like Kim Jong Il, receiving secret stem-cell skin injections to remain firm 'n' fresh; (My doctor pal works for a Korean Stem-Cell Firmery, who recently injected a Top-Secret client in South Korea, who wore a sack over his head the entire time to remain anonymous and was flanked by a fleet of limos & secret North Korean agents).

The time has come for The Ukulad and I, weary of political stupidity and hypocrisy, to begin a political party. We hereby announce the formation of The Austin Pea Party. Our Platform is Peas. We also celebrate the Square.

Love The Ukulady
ps: Where is Lindsey Lohan lately? I miss her missteps.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

10 Amusing Meeps & Farewell Nawleans Seafood

Dear Blob!

1. Paprika: a girl's name
2. Auctioneers Talking Dirty
3. The Temps of Tempe, AZ.
4. Steak Coat
5. The She-Glove
6. Chartreuse: a girl's name
7. "I put the Fist in Pacifist."
8. The Wussies of Worcester
9. Pork Flats: a Gated Commmunity
10. Crustina: a girl's name

Love The Ukulady
ps: I'm pleased I visited New Orlean's last month and enjoyed an incredible fried seafood sampler; it appears the Seafood of New Orleans is like Iceland's once-thriving economy; destroyed by greed.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Blob vs. Vlog & Bret Michaels vs. Earth!

Dear Blob!
A new Blobbing Horizon is upon The Ukulady! Transition fever has held me in her mood-swingy little fist for 360 days and Blobbing was pushed to the back of the cafeteria line in favor of Vlogging, who was apparently voted President. A theoretical school-yard fight broke out between Blob & Vlog, and they emerged equal, co-presidents, but separate. From now on, Vlogs will live at and Blobs will live here.

Meanwhile, today's news is hott with important topics like 80's heavy metal rocker, Bret Michael's exciting return to the spotlight, Letterman's depression - it must be rough having your own tv comedy show & being blackmailed for marital indiscretions at the Exact Same Time; and just the news to induce hope for Earth's future, a larger oil spill than Exxon Valdez engulfing the Gulf o' Mexico. It's challenging, splitting my concern between Letterman's rocky road back to happiness, Bret Michael's rocky road to recovery and Earth's imminent demise, but I'm managing, Blob!

The good news is it seems to be Human Nature to manage constant challenges, bad news & tragedy!

Love The Ukulady

ps: On the Female side of News, a "Bevy of Beauties" walked the Red Carpet in Hollywood! Thank god! If us peasants ever have to see an ugly woman on the red carpet, then we'll really have a challenge on our hands! I'm so glad Gwynyth Paltrow is still hott!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Ukulady Press Fever Magic!

Dear Blob!
More Press!

Love The Ukulady

Monday, April 12, 2010

Ukulady & Lad in New York Times!

Dear Blob!
Check out The Ukulady & The Ukulad at the Doo-Nanny in Alabama, in the New York Times!

To The Downfall of Evil!

Love The Ukulady