Monday, January 14, 2008

The Ukulady on Reality Television...

Dear Blob,
I may be cast on a high-pressure athletically-competitive reality television show. Last month my ex-manager, who is also a casting director, urged me to "audition" for "Blank for the Blank"; feeding The Entertainer's Narcissism, he flamingly told me I'm Perfect for the show. No one ever tells me I'm perfect for any shows. I didn't even get to play Annie in community children's theater.
I now understand I'm perfect for the impending reality show because I hate all athletically-competitive activities. I will be cast as the weird girl, strong & sturdy, yet, pathetically-athletically-non-competitively-inclined
Hollywood is a rough town, where whores and nepotists are rewarded with their own production deals, movies and shows. Artists who refuse to sell out, get nothing. I am a good Jew, raised fiscally savvy and hell yes, I'll Sell Out in order to never have a day job. I will sell (not retail), hookers, baby flesh, terrorism, whatevsies..... I've even worked for the Scientologists. I consider taking money from The Man, which includes any LLC, my duty as an Infiltrator.
Today the reality show sent me for a physical. Even though I have health insurance, the yearly deductible is ridiculous, so I was thrilled to get a free check-up, paid for by NBC. I went to Glendale, the Armenian capital of the world, where even the ATM's offer the Armenian language option. I left my blood and urine in Glendale, popped into Armenian Trader Jews (as my family calls it), and zipped home to Echo Park. My reality TV pals tell me that if you've been sent for the physical, you are cast. Shooting is this weekend. I might pee my pants with nervous athletic-competition-anticipation/anxiety. I hope I win the $100,000.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I also hope to meet some awesome casting/tv people who will launch Mitch (New Gay Manager) and I to the top!
pps: Spinal Tap's hit single "Give Me Some Money" plays on repeat in my head.
ppps: I hate group competitive athletics so much, I was suspended from jr. high for telling the PE teacher to Fuck off in 8th grade.

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