Tuesday, September 6, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: The Horror of the LA County Fair & Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch Update!

PHOTOS: Wiggle Wurm, Giant Pumpkin, Man's Neck

Dear Blob,
I made the mistake of going to the LA County Fair yesterday. It was dollar-day and Fired-For-Being-Gay BFF Mitch, his daughter Devynn and the Ukulad, were up for the event.

I love county fairs, being surrounded by cordog stands and shiny, bright rides, even though I don't enjoy riding; however the LA County Fair is like the Far Side Hell version of the Fair.

Several years ago I wrote this song about the LA County Fair; perhaps I thought it had changed, but it is still a Vortex of the Worst of Humanity, including:

1. Whore Mommies: These are tarted-up mommies (usually very young), in super-high-heels and skimpy, skin-tight outfits, pushing strollers. Who goes to the Fair in stilettos? Perhaps they have robot-feet.

2. Extreme Pouches: Like Extreme Sports, Extreme Pouches are tummy pouches taken to the next level. LA County Fair patrons, when not in Whore Mommy outfits, are clad in what Tina Fey calls Mom Jeans, I call them Pouch Pants: usually plus-sized humans in thick, tight jeans, waistbanded just under the bosom, cinched tight at the upper waist (located above the belly button), with ballooning pouches sheathed in denim above and below the belt, causing the Extreme Pouch People to resemble gigantic 8's.

3. Babies drinking Slurpees, Sodas & eating French Fries.

4. Mullets, cameltoes, gluttony, consumerism, heat-exhaustion medicated with softee-serve.

6. Family abuse. This was the tipping point of Awfulness. I made the huge mistake of standing in a 30 minute line for a corndog, when I saw an adult man punch a pre-teen boy, who seemed to be his stepson. The mother stood by, snacking on her fried-stick, 2 smaller boys, resembling the adult man, ignored the violence and continued munching fried stix, probably relieved they were not the target.

It was horrible and horrifying and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to give the punched kid a card for a family-abuse hotline/non-profit; I wanted to yell at the mother to protect her kids and notify authorities of the abuse. However, surrounded by thousands of people, flashing ride-lights and carnies hawking, there wasn't much I could do. The father was the kind of guy who would probably punch me if I said anything.

I wanted to take photos of all the incredibly horrible Outfit No's, but instead, I took a picture with my Cameraheart.

Why is the LA County Fair worse than other fairs? It could be the 15 million Angelinos, disconnected to nature and community, unaccustomed to looking strangers in the eyeballs and de-programmed from saying hello on the street. A sea of sweating humans gorging on shiny-tan-foods in checkered baskets made from trees, soon to be landfill.

We marveled at the amount of money coming in; Mitch estimated one carnie stand was bringing in $40 every 5 minutes.

The best part of the fair is the convention hall of plants and tacky National Park displays with paper-mache wolves 'n' bears.

The Ukulad: They tore up real nature to construct fake nature.

Humans flocked to the cool halls of green chlorophyll and kids happily frolicked on a man-made tree-laden hill with dioramas of fake animals mixed with real animals in glass cases. The Angeles Mountains were clear in the distance, the smog of LA joyously blown away. I longed to be in the mountains, but at the same time my eyeballs enjoyed the rainbow sparkles of the carnival rides and portable candy-snack-shacks.

Positive LA County Fair highlights included the table-setting competition, the quilts and looking at old baked goods in competition display cabinets.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Update from Fired-For-Being-Gay Mitch: The school district refuses to make a statement and has downgraded his facebook photos from Obscene to Inappropriate. The parents of the water-polo players have made Team Stein tee-shirts and all the players cheered when Mitch appeared on the pool deck, cooler of water and oranges in hand, to cheer on the team.

The homophobic principal announced she would make appear at a water-polo-parent meeting and make a statement, but she was a no-show. Several other high schools have offered coaching jobs to Mitch, but he turned them down, as the point of coaching was to spend time with his daughter. Devynn loves high school. Stay tuned for more.... Newspaper articles should be out soon....

pps: During the Pig Races, I sat behind a man with the most extraordinary crinkly-neck: see photo.

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