Monday, April 30, 2007

Massholes!

Dear Blog!
Greetings from my college town, home of the Masshole, Boston! Who is the Masshole, you ask, Blog and readers-who-have-not-lived-in-New England? The Masshole is the blue-collar native of Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, perhaps Connecticut.
On Easter, the liquor store near my BFF's apartment, hosted the Easter Bunny, so drinkers with children could conveniently combine an Easter-alcohol-shopping trip and a photo opportunity with the Easter Bunny. A Masshole is someone who, non-ironically, would take advantage of this exciting festive experience. We visited this liquor store last night, to purchase beer to accompany an anticipated spicy-dinner. I was pushing the stroller containing adorable baby Ray and the liquor store lady, described by my BFF (who is a published writer: www.RoseGowen.com) as jowly bleached blond smelling of cigarettes, said in heavy Boston accent, which means no R's, "The'es goldfish ovah he'ah fo'wah the baby." I relayed that we were headed next door to Wang's Dumplingery for delcious zagat-rated dumplings 'n' crispychicken; the liquor store lady wrinkled her nose, packed up another customer's Colt 45 and expressed distaste for Wang's, describing it as "fancy".
She is a Masshole. It's not a mean thing, it's just a fact. There are rednecky types all the world but the kind born and raised in and around New England is particular to the region. They descend from fishering folk, enjoy Keno and their grandchildren tweenagers give blow jobs to the carnies at Whalin' Park in Fitchburg MA. I learned the term from my many college pals who grew up amongst the Massholes. The Masshole women may also wear sweatshirts with kittens and puppies and Masshole men are beefy with work boots, ball caps with a super-curved brim and both genders smoke, drink and doubtfully do yoga.
Travel brings out the snob in me.
Love The UkuLady
PS: I've developed a heavy celebrity crush on Gael Garcia Bernal! HOT! Meow! Yum! He's been dating Natlie Portman, so now I hate her. But it's promising that my Celebrity Boyfriend Gael likes Heeb ladies.
PPS: My snobbery is totally curbed watching the movie "The Science of Sleep", where everyone is tri-lingual. I need to learn Spanish and brush up on my French so I can steal Gael's heart away from that whore Natalie....

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