Sunday, April 1, 2007

Airport Magic!

Dear Blog!
Another distpatch from the Sofitel Hotel bar, sipping my complimentary merlot and nibbling fancy olives and cheesynibblies, all on the Electronic Art's dime! go DreamFollowers! Some observations from my Southwest Airlines weeked travel to share:
1. A tshirt with the slogan "Jesus is my Homeslice"
2. I think my air hostess was a post-op sex-changee - man to woman. I noticed her collegen-inflated lips the moment i stepped on the plane and she pointed a finger at me and said, "Cute!" not to be a total narcissist, but I've been getting that a lot lately. I think it's my newly inflated UkuLady persona I'm flaunting in preparation for my soon-to-be-public figurehood. (Also got the "Cute!" from some teen hippie/homeless kids on Haight street today) Then I noticed she (the possible sex-change stewardess, not my homeless-hippie-teen fans) was either A. a not-very-bad-burn victim with a lot of plastic surgery or B. a man. She had a great figure! Really long, lean legs with a tight boy ass. So I checked out her hands as she was passing drinks and I really can't say for sure. They were kind of big and veiny, but not outrageously so.
3. I like to sit in the front of the plane going to Oakland, so I can get off first. ( I sit on the back Oakland - Burbank because the plane is all old-school and a stair goes to the tarmac from the back of the plane in B-town) So I took a major chance and sat in the 2nd row next to a woman, baby and 7 year old. I like babies and have a bit of baby-fever. The mother was totally surprised someone was as bold as me. The baby was totally cute and although babies are generally the most popular person in a room, a baby is definitely the most unpopular person on an airplane. I bonded with the 7 year old.
4. I saw an Hooter's/Hustler employee in Burbank. She was teeeny and her boobs were unbelievably enormous and fake! Platinum hair and why do these stripper/whore/playmates always wear Juicy Couture sweatsuits when they're not wearing bikinis? I totally ogled.
5. Stewards - man-air-hosts - should not wear shorts. Seated on the plane, I am eye-level with the air-host's/essess legs and airplane proximity is tight and Men in Shorts, lingering in front of me, because they have to count bloody-mary change for the morning-drinkers, is disconcerting.
6. Honey-Roasted peanuts vs. regular - No duhsies. Nuts in general are underated. Go nuts, especially honey-roasted.
Love The UkuLady
PS: Brittney and K-Fed settled! and Katie is Tom's prisoner! I got to read US weekly at the airport. I'm thinking of getting a subscription to go along with my Harpers & New Yorker....

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