Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Me & The Scientologists

Dear Blog!
Last night I worked, again, for The Scientologists! Dear Blog and Readers, I am so sorry I didn't tell you about the first time I worked for them. I poured that experience into song, entiltled, "I Gave My Social Security Number to The Scientologists!" (see www.TheUkuLady.com song page)
"OMG, Lerner, What is going on?" I'm sure, Blog, you are quiring in your virtual head. Well, Blog, I submitted my voiceover reel via the internet, to a recording studio producing L.Ron HUbbard's short stories and was subsequently hired. I have now recorded 2 of L.Ron's really trashy pulp fiction, audio books and hooked up another friend with the company. She has been hired much more than me; possibly owing to her willowy physique and seemingly-gentile blond-good looks. Little do the Scientologists know, she's Greek. She's also really talented, but the Scientologists, I think, really like the hot starletee beauties, and the more non-darkey-ish, the better. I say this, because L.Ron's short stories are outrageously racist and sexist. They all seem to be about the dashing white guy bringing salvation to the darkey indiginous people.
The people who work at the studio all wear the same outfit - dark pants, minty button down shirts. I wanted to ask them if they ever get to wear their own outfits, but I didn't want to be rude. My theory" the people who are insecure and lost in LA, get sucked into Scientology, a cult, because Scientology is dripping with money and power! The director of these audio books is a total industry professional. Found out last night, after he showed me family photos, that his real mom is Richie Cunningham's mom. As in Mrs. C. As in Happy Days. I was checking out his pics and I was like, your mom is so familiar...is she Jane Wyman? Or Shirley Jones? Anywaysies, the clone/droid/robot/scientology workerbees, who work for practically free, were completely over the moon about the director and his familiy. Totally starstruck. So I'd deduced that they want a piece of the pie, to touch the insider power of hollywood. Because a ridiculously large amount of powerful money people in LA are scientologists.
This is weird: last time I was there, the gaggle of uniformed-cultists, were finishing lunch, which, as I saw from my water-bottle-fill-up-stop in their kitchen, centered around a huge vat of cottage cheese. Last night, they were finishing dinner, and again, it centered around a huge vat of cottage cheese. My roommate, this morning, at coffee-making -time, agreed, that the little he knows about Scientology, he has heard of their odd cottage cheese obsession.
Ultimately, I work for the Scienologists because it's fun doing books-on-tape. L.Ron is the worst trashy-novel writer. He uses sentences like, "She had a stunningly beautiful body." (that was my character last night, an eskimo saved by the whitey) and "The Sledge dogs slavered." and "High firm breasts..."(me again). I suppose it's actually good trashy writing, but I have an extremely low-tolerance for bad writing. I'm a total writing snob, being partial to Haruki Murakami, Roald Dahl and Malcolm Gladwell.
Anywaysies, this Scietology recording studio is owned by Jazz great Chick Correa, to burst the bubble of his apparent-normalcy. They pay really badly and last night, after working for wayway below my usual payrate, i was like, "what the fuck am I doing this for?" And I was supposed to work for them tomorrow, but did some money-come-to-me chanting over my green-candle--hippie-shrine, and luckily the phone rang with a fun and well-paying vo job for some former SF clients.
I kept wanting to ask the Scientologist worker bees things like, "don't you miss wearing shoes other than sensible oxfordy-nurse shoes?" and "Are you really so lonely and insecure that you would become the pawn/semi-servant to a cult, which masks itself as a world religion, although it is based on the writings of a sex-crazed science-fiction tax-evader?" I hope they don't read my blog. They were all extremely nice and the session was fun because we laughed a lot.
Love The UkuLady
ps: There are these ridiculous posters on Hilary Duff taped to the side of the freeway exit ramp, I frequently exit. It seems like the most ludicrious place to market a talentless former-teen pop-sensation. I greatly dislike Hilary Duff, although I'm sure she is really nice. Unlike Paris Hilton, who is clearly a total bitch.
pps: My awesome gay manager danced with his new-lesbian stand-up-comic client at Zach Braff's bar mitzvah, like 20 years ago. They just figured this out because she is his new client, like me. I love him. We listened to show tunes on his tv yesterday.

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