Monday, August 8, 2011

UkuAdventures in LA: Velveeta, White Bread & Snickers!

PHOTOS: Cheeses & Wine! Miss Carrot & Green Bug on The Ukulady!

Dear Blob,
Velveeta is the Doughnut of Cheeses. My co-Mexican-adventurer, Miss Jessica Grant, true to her Alabama roots, brought over Velveeta cheese dip and as my new book, Cheeses of the World & Cheese Cookery, encourages, I enjoyed a glass of wine with cheese. Velveeta and Malbec probably wasn't what 1967's International Cheese Enthusiasts had in mind, nor my inner-snobby voice or innards, however, the Velveeta was disgustingly delicious and like crack, totally addictive.

I felt Catholicishly-guilty nibbling Velveeta! It is sinful. I could never purchase it at the store; I would feel like a teen buying condoms. To some, raising opium poppies for medicinal tea is sinful; to others, eating Velveeta is worthy of confession.

In retrospect, Velvetina Evilwich, like Sandwich, but Evil, is probably named after Velveeta. Much of my childhood was spent hankering for sugar cereal, bologna & white bread.

White Bread was rarely part of my childhood. My parents sent me to hippie-artsy school with avocado sandwiches on wheat-berry bread. Once, before a school-potluck, I begged my mom to bring White Bread hamburger buns, but was insistent she not get the Kilpatrick-brand White Bread, thinking it was made out of dead, white rabbits.

Many years later, I discovered that my older sister had owned a white rabbit named Patrick who had been killed by raccoons. My 6-year-old brain figured Kilpatrick-brand White Bread must be made out of Patrick the dead white rabbit.

In other news, The Ukulad tells me I am not short, but like tiny Snickers, Fun-Sized.

Love The Ukulady

ps: Velveeta is not in Cheeses of the World & Cheese Cookery.

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