Dear Blog,
A couple days ago the front page of the New York Times featured a photograph of a dead Al Quada guy shrouded in a bright gay-pink sheet wraplet. He looked like a dead gay terrorist. It was a fucked up photo. The dead-guy on the front page part, not the cute pink shroudy-wrap. Queer eye probably gave the shroudlet a hearty Outfit Book Yes!
Love The UkuLady
PS: I broke up with my roommate and it went extremely poorly. Much worse than my awesome breakup with my awesome (seriously) ex Boyfriend/Current Best Friendsie.
PPS: Breakups aren't very funny. Too bad Brittney and Paris are laying so low. I could have used some celebrity downfall distraction today.
Showing posts with label Brittney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brittney. Show all posts
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Lame Party, Good Sushi
Dear Blog!
After a rigourous UkuLady day of hanging out with my adorable producer and going to yoga, my best gay friendsy (from 7th floor of Chuckgate, Emerson College!) called me to be his faghag at a hollywoody party which required his attendence for political/networking reasons. Pleased to have a reason to simultaneously dress-up and yearn for a new wardrobe, I agreed to the last minute hollywoody party attending. And Blowfish Sushi was catering! The promise of Macy Gray dj'ing didn't really intrigue me, but hopes of a rehabbed Lindsey or a pantyless Brittney, sure did!
Unfortunately neither Britney or Lindsey were at the party, but the sushi was totally awesome. However, there was no unagi, so another complaint point. It was an extrordinarily ridiculous event with superior people-watching. As Best Gay Friend put it, "These kinds of parties fill me with Rage." Rage and saddness for the rampant insecurity of humankind. Insecurity, fear and self-loathing for not being pretty, skinny or rich enough. I noted to BGF that we were in a Room full of Bullshit. This particular party, a launch party for the Sunset Strip website, was full of, best way to describe them, Wannabes. Wannabe Important people.
They seemed to be marketing and PR people wearing really expensive jeans. Best Gay Friend and I played "Fake Boobs or Real?" And "Who Would You Sleep With If You Had Too?" Not very many hot sleepable people. Lots of really unattractive, heavily made-up, sad people. There was this one model type, thick with makeup, totally skinny and tall and she kept starring at herself in the mirror-wall and doing this lame lip-pursing/head/angle tilty thing that Paris Hilton does. And a not-very-attractive man with expensive hair and probably a cock-of-gold, was all over her. I call it Vanity In Action. Repulsive. She was wearing a couture nightgowny thing and had zero cellulite.
There was another ridiculous plumpish Jersey/Soprano lady in a beige mini-skirty outfit made of sweater with huge tacky gold earrings and beefy legs strapped into leatherette knee-high boots and a humungous juicy couture gold purse. She was like a Mafia Sausage Lady. I ate free sushi, we had ketel one with cranberry and left by 10pm. For all my myspace pals who don't live in LA and desire a piece of it, let me tell you, it's a sad sad ugly world. Insecurity fraught with disappointment, self-hatred and probably bad sex. The world of artistry, cheap taco trucks and wealth-mocking, is far more fulfilling. Best Gay Friend and I wondered if everyone at the party thought we were lame. I'd like to think no; and so the circle continues.
Love Miss The UkuLady Lerner
After a rigourous UkuLady day of hanging out with my adorable producer and going to yoga, my best gay friendsy (from 7th floor of Chuckgate, Emerson College!) called me to be his faghag at a hollywoody party which required his attendence for political/networking reasons. Pleased to have a reason to simultaneously dress-up and yearn for a new wardrobe, I agreed to the last minute hollywoody party attending. And Blowfish Sushi was catering! The promise of Macy Gray dj'ing didn't really intrigue me, but hopes of a rehabbed Lindsey or a pantyless Brittney, sure did!
Unfortunately neither Britney or Lindsey were at the party, but the sushi was totally awesome. However, there was no unagi, so another complaint point. It was an extrordinarily ridiculous event with superior people-watching. As Best Gay Friend put it, "These kinds of parties fill me with Rage." Rage and saddness for the rampant insecurity of humankind. Insecurity, fear and self-loathing for not being pretty, skinny or rich enough. I noted to BGF that we were in a Room full of Bullshit. This particular party, a launch party for the Sunset Strip website, was full of, best way to describe them, Wannabes. Wannabe Important people.
They seemed to be marketing and PR people wearing really expensive jeans. Best Gay Friend and I played "Fake Boobs or Real?" And "Who Would You Sleep With If You Had Too?" Not very many hot sleepable people. Lots of really unattractive, heavily made-up, sad people. There was this one model type, thick with makeup, totally skinny and tall and she kept starring at herself in the mirror-wall and doing this lame lip-pursing/head/angle tilty thing that Paris Hilton does. And a not-very-attractive man with expensive hair and probably a cock-of-gold, was all over her. I call it Vanity In Action. Repulsive. She was wearing a couture nightgowny thing and had zero cellulite.
There was another ridiculous plumpish Jersey/Soprano lady in a beige mini-skirty outfit made of sweater with huge tacky gold earrings and beefy legs strapped into leatherette knee-high boots and a humungous juicy couture gold purse. She was like a Mafia Sausage Lady. I ate free sushi, we had ketel one with cranberry and left by 10pm. For all my myspace pals who don't live in LA and desire a piece of it, let me tell you, it's a sad sad ugly world. Insecurity fraught with disappointment, self-hatred and probably bad sex. The world of artistry, cheap taco trucks and wealth-mocking, is far more fulfilling. Best Gay Friend and I wondered if everyone at the party thought we were lame. I'd like to think no; and so the circle continues.
Love Miss The UkuLady Lerner
Brittney's new fragrance
Dear Blog,
I just went to Brittney's Official Website and she has a new fragrance in stores called In Control, and I'm sorry Blog, but I think In Control is the last thing that Brittney is. Not only is Brit not In Control, but the packaging for In Control resembles a pregnancy kit home tester or some sort of creepy feminine protection. Also, Brittney is still insisting that things are great between her and the repulsive KFed. Wake Up Brittney! That should be the name of her new frgrance! Or Get The Fuck Out Of My Mansion! That would be a good fragrance name. If KFed puts out a fragance, it should be called Wear A Fucking Condom! I mean, poor Brittney! She's not only fat, but she's going to have 2 really unattractive babies under 2 with the worst rapper in the world; and, poor Brit, Child Protective Services have alread visited the Mansion twice? Three times? Unfortunately her website didn't provide that information.
Speaking of the physical unattractiveness of Brittney's baby, I don't mean to be unkind. However, that child is truly pretty ugly. The strange thing is, he was part of People Magazine's Cutest Babies spread. Are they retarded? Perhaps. As People Mag is partially responsible for the iconography of ugly celebrities, such as Ashlee and Nicole Richie and barf, Nicky Hilton. Also, a quick query, have my myspace friendsies noticed that Paris Hilton is only photographed at angles? Seriously, she's never straight on. Also, there is some unbelievable Paris Hilton cameltoe pics available on the web. It's like she loves having her panties up her coot.
Yours, The UkuLady
I just went to Brittney's Official Website and she has a new fragrance in stores called In Control, and I'm sorry Blog, but I think In Control is the last thing that Brittney is. Not only is Brit not In Control, but the packaging for In Control resembles a pregnancy kit home tester or some sort of creepy feminine protection. Also, Brittney is still insisting that things are great between her and the repulsive KFed. Wake Up Brittney! That should be the name of her new frgrance! Or Get The Fuck Out Of My Mansion! That would be a good fragrance name. If KFed puts out a fragance, it should be called Wear A Fucking Condom! I mean, poor Brittney! She's not only fat, but she's going to have 2 really unattractive babies under 2 with the worst rapper in the world; and, poor Brit, Child Protective Services have alread visited the Mansion twice? Three times? Unfortunately her website didn't provide that information.
Speaking of the physical unattractiveness of Brittney's baby, I don't mean to be unkind. However, that child is truly pretty ugly. The strange thing is, he was part of People Magazine's Cutest Babies spread. Are they retarded? Perhaps. As People Mag is partially responsible for the iconography of ugly celebrities, such as Ashlee and Nicole Richie and barf, Nicky Hilton. Also, a quick query, have my myspace friendsies noticed that Paris Hilton is only photographed at angles? Seriously, she's never straight on. Also, there is some unbelievable Paris Hilton cameltoe pics available on the web. It's like she loves having her panties up her coot.
Yours, The UkuLady
Weaving the Web of Komedy
Dear Blog,
Some thoughts (not neccessarily all mine - some from the latest Sim sessions):
1. Coifka - a philosopher/hairdresser
2. It's my time to be a prime time mime! Nor is it a crime to be a prime time mime.
3. My friend, Cullen wants to name his future child Spitoon. And I want to name my future child Petunia. If we have a progressive gay/faghag baby, we can name it Spitoonia.
4. Tsars eat tsnacks.
5. Party Robot! Life of the Party!
6. Liars, Fakers and Line-Cutters. Boo.
7. Cuddle me Cookoo!
8. A true fact: Famous Amos (of the cookies) signed Simon & Garfunkle. literally.
9. Mockchovy
10. Podquest! The next craze to sweep the internet.
Love The UkuLady Lerner
PS: Jenna a terrible myspace friend and Brittney is pathetic and fat! That makes me happy. And Ashlee's plastic surgery is horrifying. None of them will be mistaken for the Party Robot, that's for sure!
Some thoughts (not neccessarily all mine - some from the latest Sim sessions):
1. Coifka - a philosopher/hairdresser
2. It's my time to be a prime time mime! Nor is it a crime to be a prime time mime.
3. My friend, Cullen wants to name his future child Spitoon. And I want to name my future child Petunia. If we have a progressive gay/faghag baby, we can name it Spitoonia.
4. Tsars eat tsnacks.
5. Party Robot! Life of the Party!
6. Liars, Fakers and Line-Cutters. Boo.
7. Cuddle me Cookoo!
8. A true fact: Famous Amos (of the cookies) signed Simon & Garfunkle. literally.
9. Mockchovy
10. Podquest! The next craze to sweep the internet.
Love The UkuLady Lerner
PS: Jenna a terrible myspace friend and Brittney is pathetic and fat! That makes me happy. And Ashlee's plastic surgery is horrifying. None of them will be mistaken for the Party Robot, that's for sure!
Jenna, your cooter's totally online!
Dear my Myspace Friend, Jenna Bush!
I was googling some images of you the other day because I'm making a music video about our special friendship, which, to be honest, has been a little one-sided; anyway, I came across a pretty private moment someone captured on-camera and has posted on the web. I know that I've gone to the beach and had to change into my swimsuit under my clothes, so I know how tricky it can be...so...your cooter is totally online, and honey, it looks, as my new best friend put it oh-so-delicately, Scuffed. Your Cooter looks Scuffed. A couple things:
1. Does your dad know there is a pic of your vagina all over the internet?
2. It seems like he's wielding an awful lot of Supreme Dictatoresque Power these days (you know, the phone records thing and stuff), and it seems to me, he should have some power over your scuffed cooter being downloaded and shared throughout the world wide web!
3. Who in the world does your waxing?
4. Perhaps giving so much, working for free at the DC inner-city school, isn't allowing you enough time to go to the salon? Maybe you should ask the inner-city school tyrants to Give you a little! Time, that is, to get things like your vagina waxed into, apparently a Heart shape?
5. Is that what you were going for, a heart?
6. Sorry to backtrack, but speaking of your dad and his spying-on-citizens program/getting everyone's phone records, are you at all worried about that? I mean, you seem like the kind of gal who might be a little kinky and into some phone sex? Not to make any assumptions about you.
Speaking of making assumptions about you, I'd really like you to put a little more effort into our myspace friendship. You haven't posted one comment about me, nor have you checked out The UkuLady and the song she wrote For You! I mean, like, how many people have written songs for you?! And this one is almost a ballad! So, I have no choice but to make assumptions, if you're not your to GIVE me a little to go on! I mean, I even had you on the guest list at my last UkuLady show, and not only did you NOT show up, but you didn't even drop me an obligatory "sorry I can't make your show" email. Didn't your Southern mother teach you any manners?
Anyway, Jenna, you're walking on a thin line with me. And also, you missed a really good yoga class today down in Silverlake. Your Myspace friend, The UkuLady
PS: What do you think about that schmuck your dad nominated to be head of the CIA?!
PPS: Schmuck means weiner-ish in the language of my people, the Heebs.
PPPS: Are you not in contact with me because of anti-semitism? Because I'm ony a cultural Heeb.
PPPPS: Can you believe Brittney is knocked up again!!!!?????
PPPPPS: (spears)
PPPPPPS: For all my other Myspace friends, all you have to do is google Jenna Bush Pussy and you will be shocked and awed. Perhaps a little sickened.
I was googling some images of you the other day because I'm making a music video about our special friendship, which, to be honest, has been a little one-sided; anyway, I came across a pretty private moment someone captured on-camera and has posted on the web. I know that I've gone to the beach and had to change into my swimsuit under my clothes, so I know how tricky it can be...so...your cooter is totally online, and honey, it looks, as my new best friend put it oh-so-delicately, Scuffed. Your Cooter looks Scuffed. A couple things:
1. Does your dad know there is a pic of your vagina all over the internet?
2. It seems like he's wielding an awful lot of Supreme Dictatoresque Power these days (you know, the phone records thing and stuff), and it seems to me, he should have some power over your scuffed cooter being downloaded and shared throughout the world wide web!
3. Who in the world does your waxing?
4. Perhaps giving so much, working for free at the DC inner-city school, isn't allowing you enough time to go to the salon? Maybe you should ask the inner-city school tyrants to Give you a little! Time, that is, to get things like your vagina waxed into, apparently a Heart shape?
5. Is that what you were going for, a heart?
6. Sorry to backtrack, but speaking of your dad and his spying-on-citizens program/getting everyone's phone records, are you at all worried about that? I mean, you seem like the kind of gal who might be a little kinky and into some phone sex? Not to make any assumptions about you.
Speaking of making assumptions about you, I'd really like you to put a little more effort into our myspace friendship. You haven't posted one comment about me, nor have you checked out The UkuLady and the song she wrote For You! I mean, like, how many people have written songs for you?! And this one is almost a ballad! So, I have no choice but to make assumptions, if you're not your to GIVE me a little to go on! I mean, I even had you on the guest list at my last UkuLady show, and not only did you NOT show up, but you didn't even drop me an obligatory "sorry I can't make your show" email. Didn't your Southern mother teach you any manners?
Anyway, Jenna, you're walking on a thin line with me. And also, you missed a really good yoga class today down in Silverlake. Your Myspace friend, The UkuLady
PS: What do you think about that schmuck your dad nominated to be head of the CIA?!
PPS: Schmuck means weiner-ish in the language of my people, the Heebs.
PPPS: Are you not in contact with me because of anti-semitism? Because I'm ony a cultural Heeb.
PPPPS: Can you believe Brittney is knocked up again!!!!?????
PPPPPS: (spears)
PPPPPPS: For all my other Myspace friends, all you have to do is google Jenna Bush Pussy and you will be shocked and awed. Perhaps a little sickened.
Dreamin' of Brittney!!
Dear Blog,
So before Michael Jackson moved to Bahrain to wear women's Arabic clothing in bathrooms, I used to have a reaccuring dream that we were good friends and I helped him, theraputically. I had a version of this dream about 4 times. Well, I've had the dream again, however, this time I was performing long-form improv with Brittney Spears at a comedy cafe in Topanga Canyon. We were good friends and held hands, but not in a girlfriend way. I'm a little obsessed with Brit. She's preggers again, barf, with Barfderline's baby. Gross. I feel bad for her though; for what is Brit, but a pathetic pawn of her fame-obsessed Mommy! Although she is fatty mcfatwich these days, she's still far prettier than her hideously ugly younger sister, Jamie Lyn Spears, star of crapola nickelodeon live action schlop. So, to quell the rumors, I'm not in an improv troupe with Brittney Spears, although, dreams do come true....Aim high!
Snerve Lerner
So before Michael Jackson moved to Bahrain to wear women's Arabic clothing in bathrooms, I used to have a reaccuring dream that we were good friends and I helped him, theraputically. I had a version of this dream about 4 times. Well, I've had the dream again, however, this time I was performing long-form improv with Brittney Spears at a comedy cafe in Topanga Canyon. We were good friends and held hands, but not in a girlfriend way. I'm a little obsessed with Brit. She's preggers again, barf, with Barfderline's baby. Gross. I feel bad for her though; for what is Brit, but a pathetic pawn of her fame-obsessed Mommy! Although she is fatty mcfatwich these days, she's still far prettier than her hideously ugly younger sister, Jamie Lyn Spears, star of crapola nickelodeon live action schlop. So, to quell the rumors, I'm not in an improv troupe with Brittney Spears, although, dreams do come true....Aim high!
Snerve Lerner
Malibu & Brittney!
Dear Blog,
So, today I went to Malibu with my BGF (best Gay friend) and the whole time I was so excited to hopefully catch a Brittney Sighting! However, I'm disappointed to report there is none to report. However, we did catch Angeline and her pink corvette. For those of you out of the loop, the millions reading this important dispatch from LA, Angeline is some weird pseudo-celebrity rich lady who used to advertise herself on billboards all over LA. She has no services to offer, save to gawk at her thoroughly plastic-sugeryied self. As of late, however, I've seen no Angeline Billboards. Back to Brittney... We stopped at the celebrity sandwich stopping-market, Hows.
Question one, who are the people who work there? If you've ever been to Malibu, it's clear that there are no normal people who live there. Everyone is extremely rich or a christian Pepperdine university student. Or perhaps a servant of a rich person. Hows is the market on the way to El Matador beach and it is renown for celebrity sightings. In fact, if I were a paparazzi, I'd definitely post myself at their sandwich counter. BYTW, not very good sandwiches. So, we order and then we have to pee. So I head to the pee room and as I sit down, I wondered to myself, "Has Brittney sat here and peed as well?" and really, the likelyhood of that, is pretty high. I may have sat on the same toilet as Brittney!!! BYTW, my sort of white-trash/but huge heart cousin adores Brittney and has named her cat Brittney and has a huge poster of BS kittycorner to her bed. She's also a single mom; cousin and probably Brittney very soon. Anyway, Brittney was a no-show at How's Sandwich counter, as well as Jennifer (aniston) and every other celeb who lounges in Malibu. It's really a ridiculous town.
After the beach, which was fab, save an distasteful interaction with some yucky sea fowl (gulls nipping into my tasty Trader Joes Apple Rings), we retired to Starbucks for a pre-traffic caffeine fix and I was really hoping this would be IT, as according to US and People mags, Brittney spends a lot of time in Starbucks....Sadly, there were only mock-celebs, rich peeps in peasant hippie skirts ordering 10 dollar non-soy-mock-vanilla-chai-fatte-lattes. I did pee, again, at Starbucks and this time, i'm sure Brittney has sat on that same toilet. She friggin loves Starbucks. BYTW, at the beach, there was a film crew doing a shoot with one asian actress (totesies hottie) and an old-fashioned pay-phone prop stuck in the sand. We (BGF and I) debated if it was a commercial or short film. They had a really nice camera, but a teeny crew and no craft-services. We agreed it was a well-funded shorty film. We strolled along the richy malibu beach and ogled at the ugly-ass mansions, that aren't really very big, but their beachfront locale and proximity to LA make them like 10 million dollar houses. Most were really ugly and gaudy. We saw dolphins and I remembered how in college there was a tacky trend for lame girls to get dolphin tattoos on their hips. BYTW, I have New Hip bones!!! I'm on a super LA no-grain diet (have been for like 8 months) and I have Hip Bones! Really, I haven't had hip bones since I was like 11. Sometimes they jut into me when I roll over in bed. Love it. Love the Mountain Goats! band. so hot. Friggin LOVE THEM! Love cute artist boys. Never will get over them. Love a nipper of wine and I wish everyone in the world would wear fake moustaches for a day.
Love The UkuLady
So, today I went to Malibu with my BGF (best Gay friend) and the whole time I was so excited to hopefully catch a Brittney Sighting! However, I'm disappointed to report there is none to report. However, we did catch Angeline and her pink corvette. For those of you out of the loop, the millions reading this important dispatch from LA, Angeline is some weird pseudo-celebrity rich lady who used to advertise herself on billboards all over LA. She has no services to offer, save to gawk at her thoroughly plastic-sugeryied self. As of late, however, I've seen no Angeline Billboards. Back to Brittney... We stopped at the celebrity sandwich stopping-market, Hows.
Question one, who are the people who work there? If you've ever been to Malibu, it's clear that there are no normal people who live there. Everyone is extremely rich or a christian Pepperdine university student. Or perhaps a servant of a rich person. Hows is the market on the way to El Matador beach and it is renown for celebrity sightings. In fact, if I were a paparazzi, I'd definitely post myself at their sandwich counter. BYTW, not very good sandwiches. So, we order and then we have to pee. So I head to the pee room and as I sit down, I wondered to myself, "Has Brittney sat here and peed as well?" and really, the likelyhood of that, is pretty high. I may have sat on the same toilet as Brittney!!! BYTW, my sort of white-trash/but huge heart cousin adores Brittney and has named her cat Brittney and has a huge poster of BS kittycorner to her bed. She's also a single mom; cousin and probably Brittney very soon. Anyway, Brittney was a no-show at How's Sandwich counter, as well as Jennifer (aniston) and every other celeb who lounges in Malibu. It's really a ridiculous town.
After the beach, which was fab, save an distasteful interaction with some yucky sea fowl (gulls nipping into my tasty Trader Joes Apple Rings), we retired to Starbucks for a pre-traffic caffeine fix and I was really hoping this would be IT, as according to US and People mags, Brittney spends a lot of time in Starbucks....Sadly, there were only mock-celebs, rich peeps in peasant hippie skirts ordering 10 dollar non-soy-mock-vanilla-chai-fatte-lattes. I did pee, again, at Starbucks and this time, i'm sure Brittney has sat on that same toilet. She friggin loves Starbucks. BYTW, at the beach, there was a film crew doing a shoot with one asian actress (totesies hottie) and an old-fashioned pay-phone prop stuck in the sand. We (BGF and I) debated if it was a commercial or short film. They had a really nice camera, but a teeny crew and no craft-services. We agreed it was a well-funded shorty film. We strolled along the richy malibu beach and ogled at the ugly-ass mansions, that aren't really very big, but their beachfront locale and proximity to LA make them like 10 million dollar houses. Most were really ugly and gaudy. We saw dolphins and I remembered how in college there was a tacky trend for lame girls to get dolphin tattoos on their hips. BYTW, I have New Hip bones!!! I'm on a super LA no-grain diet (have been for like 8 months) and I have Hip Bones! Really, I haven't had hip bones since I was like 11. Sometimes they jut into me when I roll over in bed. Love it. Love the Mountain Goats! band. so hot. Friggin LOVE THEM! Love cute artist boys. Never will get over them. Love a nipper of wine and I wish everyone in the world would wear fake moustaches for a day.
Love The UkuLady
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