Jenna, your cooter's totally online!

Dear my Myspace Friend, Jenna Bush!
I was googling some images of you the other day because I'm making a music video about our special friendship, which, to be honest, has been a little one-sided; anyway, I came across a pretty private moment someone captured on-camera and has posted on the web. I know that I've gone to the beach and had to change into my swimsuit under my clothes, so I know how tricky it can be...so...your cooter is totally online, and honey, it looks, as my new best friend put it oh-so-delicately, Scuffed. Your Cooter looks Scuffed. A couple things:
1. Does your dad know there is a pic of your vagina all over the internet?
2. It seems like he's wielding an awful lot of Supreme Dictatoresque Power these days (you know, the phone records thing and stuff), and it seems to me, he should have some power over your scuffed cooter being downloaded and shared throughout the world wide web!
3. Who in the world does your waxing?
4. Perhaps giving so much, working for free at the DC inner-city school, isn't allowing you enough time to go to the salon? Maybe you should ask the inner-city school tyrants to Give you a little! Time, that is, to get things like your vagina waxed into, apparently a Heart shape?
5. Is that what you were going for, a heart?
6. Sorry to backtrack, but speaking of your dad and his spying-on-citizens program/getting everyone's phone records, are you at all worried about that? I mean, you seem like the kind of gal who might be a little kinky and into some phone sex? Not to make any assumptions about you.
Speaking of making assumptions about you, I'd really like you to put a little more effort into our myspace friendship. You haven't posted one comment about me, nor have you checked out The UkuLady and the song she wrote For You! I mean, like, how many people have written songs for you?! And this one is almost a ballad! So, I have no choice but to make assumptions, if you're not your to GIVE me a little to go on! I mean, I even had you on the guest list at my last UkuLady show, and not only did you NOT show up, but you didn't even drop me an obligatory "sorry I can't make your show" email. Didn't your Southern mother teach you any manners?
Anyway, Jenna, you're walking on a thin line with me. And also, you missed a really good yoga class today down in Silverlake. Your Myspace friend, The UkuLady
PS: What do you think about that schmuck your dad nominated to be head of the CIA?!
PPS: Schmuck means weiner-ish in the language of my people, the Heebs.
PPPS: Are you not in contact with me because of anti-semitism? Because I'm ony a cultural Heeb.
PPPPS: Can you believe Brittney is knocked up again!!!!?????
PPPPPS: (spears)
PPPPPPS: For all my other Myspace friends, all you have to do is google Jenna Bush Pussy and you will be shocked and awed. Perhaps a little sickened.