Bacon-Wrapped Broccoli Rules!

Dear Blob!
I invented the most delicious Party Snack ever: Bacon-Wrapped Broccoli!
RECIPE:
1. Cut Broccoli into adorable Bite-size florets.

2. Cut Bacon into thirds, so each Bacon Strip (Not a cooter) becomes 3 Bacon Strips!

3. Wrap Bacon Thirds around Floret, so each Floret is nestled, like tiny friend at a slumber party; A Bacon-Sleeping Bag/Pouch.

4. Stab Nestled Pouch-Treat with a Toothpick!

5. Broil at 400 until Pouch-Treats are crispy and brown.

6. Bacon moisture seeps into the Broccoli, tenderizing the Good-For-You food item with sinful tangy delight!

Share & Eat!
Love The Ukulady
ps: All vegetables should be Bacon-Wrapped.

Congrats Michael Jackson!

Dear Blob,
I'm so relieved Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch will not become bank-owned! He's been saved by a corporation which he partly controls! If only all the millions of home-losing Americans were pals with fiscally-saavy billionaires. This is not meant to be snarky, as I really love Michael Jackson and while I am horrified at his physical appearance, I am mostly saddened by his downfall and the grief he wears on his sleeves at all times. If I were to get a masters degree in psychology I would do my thesis on MJ. What happened? After reading LaToya's "autobiography", Michael's "Unauthorized Biography" and a book called "The Magic & The Maddness", I have various theories which are depressing and unsavory to think about. I'm pleased Michael has managed to hold onto some dignity. He seems so physically and emotionally damaged.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I keep wondering my my new TV BFF, Ruby, has been doing all week. Waiting a week to hang out with her again, via the television, kind of sucks. I prefer watching TV on Hulu.
pps: Manpanion and I have been watching Alf! I love Alf! I have a non-dirty crush on Alf

My Future Child's Name!

Dear Blob!
I've decided that Strudel is an incredible word and I am going to name my future child Obama Strudelman.
Love The Ukulady
ps: This is Future Imaginary Child #4, as #1, #3 and #2 are named Poppy Sasparilla, Tallulah Petunia and Pomegranate Persimmon.

My New TV BFF!

Dear Blob -
I have acquired a TV show. An evening where I have to watch my show. I haven' had a show since Party of Five. My Show is on Sunday nights and is about my new best TV friend, Ruby Gettinger and her journey to lose HundredS of pounds. I've developed a fascination with morbid obesity, recently watching youtube videos of people who fit this description, including the 400 pound 7 year old, which was terribly disturbing. Child protective services didn't intervene until 400 pounds! Where were they at 150? Who lets a child get over 200 pounds? In the most recent youtube videos, the child is now 10 and weighs around 130, but has bowed legs from her earlier immense poundage.

Ruby!, produced by her celebrity real-life BFF, Brittney Daniels, recognized by my manpanion as the starlet from "Joe Dirt", is totally compelling and touching TV. I am bummed that Ruby is probably now too famous to be my real BFF, but she is totally my TV BFF. She's a beautiful morbidly obese woman, which is neccessary for TV. No ugly fat people, pretty only! She has 2 adorable gay roommate/BFF's and she makes me want to use words I hate, like Heartfelt and HeartWarming.

The concern I have for Ruby and all other obese-weight-loss-focused people, is the seeming lack of re-training in the kitchen that is neccessary for lifelong weight-control. Trainers, nutritionists and psychiatrists are invested in Ruby's weight-loss journey, but she needs cooking school. An immersion in healthy and affordable (no Whole Foods/Whole Paycheck) grocery shopping and cooking.

I grew up in a household where Cornflakes were a sugar cereal. It is ingrained in me that American Cheese slices are junk food. No overweight person will keep weight off without learning to cook yummy, healthy food every day. Cooking every day is a lot of work, leads to many dirty dishes and takes a lot of energy that most people don't have, as a result of our society's ridiculous 40 - 80 hour work weeks. Gyms should start a fleet of home chefs who train weight-loss-seekers how to cook.

Meanwhile, I wish Ruby was on every night and I send her Ukulady heartsies.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Sundays at 8pm on Style Network and she has a website.
pps: I requested her facebook friendship, but I think she's too famous now.

Oh! Oh! Obama: To The Downfall of Evil!

Dear Blob!
On this historic, thrillingly-weighty-with-emotions-like-awe-n-joy, I feel I must write something for my children and their offspring to read. OMG and Wow! Hope is restored! Hypocrisy, greed and slander lose! Intellect and reason win! Thrillinglyy, the name Obama will probably join Aiden as the most popular baby name! Sasha & Malia Obama get a new puppy and us citizens of the USA get to feel civic pride, a potential for patriotism and hope! Disappointingly, the accidental comedic highjinks of Sarah Palin and her fleet of poorly-named, abstinence-taught children, will go away and her makeup artist is out of a job. But finally the downfall of evil has begun. The old comfortable ways of fear, greed, corruption and such, have been demoted from class president to hall monitor. Let's hippie it up and create a magical Safety Bubble around Obama and manifest a safe four and hopefully more, years, for America's first black president.
Love The Ukulady

Tidbits of Hot Scoops!

Dear Blob!
3 pages into today's LA Times hurled my into my Blogging Chair to share the ridiculousness of this civilization, so celebrated by olden-days, anti-tribal Missionaries.

TIDBIT #1: The far-right, white supremecist leader of Austria, who died in a recent car crash, was eulogized by his "protege", who tearfully called the dead supremicist "The Love Of My Life" and hinted at their gay love affair.

TIDBIT #2: An article about the depressed wives of Wall Street workers, who's salaries have fallen from $400,000 a year to a mere $200,00 a year and OMG, what are these weepy wives going to do now?! Their plans are all-in-a-tiddle and now they'll be forced to go without their maids, 3rd vacation homes and car service!

And the best for last:
TIDBIT #3: John McCain's brother, Joe McCain, called 911 to complain about traffic.

If everyone did Anusara yoga and drove a stick shift, the world would be a better place.
Love The Ukulady
PS: To The Downfall of Evil and May Fearlessness Prevail! (the good kind of fearlessness, not like jumping off cliffs.)

Palin's Pricey Panty Spree!

Dear Blob,
I have staved off Election Fever Ranting, due to being overwhelmed by the total Bullshit and Hypocrisy of it all, however, this morning I became fed up, upon reading the Republicans spent over $150, 000 in the past month, to clothe Sarah Palin and her family. It's understandable that the potential leader of the most pompous nation should be clad in platinum corsets, probably designed by the gay men, who's weddings Sarah opposes. However Sarah, if you're going to shop like Gengi Bluth, of Arrested Development, the best TV show in the world (see Ode to Arrested Development.mp3 on www.TheUkulady.com) stop gushing about your Wal Mart hockey momness! Wal Mart Hockey moms do not shop at Neimans and nor do they clad their retarded infants in $92 rompers. If you're going to Katie Holmes it up, Sarah, embrace it! Admit you are thrilled to buy Piper individual silken children's panties, rather than the economical 3-packs from Target. Admit Bristol's teen maternity smock is hand-made by Paris Hilton's theoretcial BFF.

Hypocrisy is rampant. Just yesterday I vocally yearned to be a lesbian in order to get the AfterEllen.com people to give me my own show. Yet this morning, I wished for my manpanion to kick it Sunday Worship style (see Sunday Worship on myspace Ukulady homepage) with me.

In other news, please vote NO on H'Eight! The California economy & my wedding-photographer sister cannot afford to lose the potential of unthrifty gay couples throwing The Best Party Ever! I want to go to fabulous gay weddings!
Love The Ukulady
ps: I voted absentee!

Hulk Hogan & Tiffany! Finally Together!

Dear Blob,
There are few things that will rouse a sick person from his sickbed. Hulk Hogan's new celebrity wrestling show has proven to be one of them. My sick manpanion HAD to get up and show me the website for the Hulk's new series and upon perusal, it is definitely CoGo (Comedy Gold!). Finally Todd Bridges of Different Strokes is on break from his career as a pastor! Finally and Frank Stallone and Tiffany will clad their has-been physiques in wrestling unitards and display their physical prowess! Along with a variety of people who think they are celebrities, such as former reality television stars, Dennis Rodman and Screech from Saved by the Bell, join Hulk Hogan in an extravaganza of spangled bikini-suits, sweat and weiner-pouches. Apparently men and women will wrestle each other and Tiffany has gained some weight in the past 20 years. Of course, reality-TV whore, Danny Bonaduce, joins the all-star cast and viewers can join-in the magic tomorrow!
Love The Ukulady
ps: I'm totally sick of the election, have learned to drive a stick-shift and am bored by Brittney's healing and comeback.
pps: Manpanion just informed me that Danny Bonaduce, Todd Bridges and Vanilla Ice were on a boxing reality show years ago. How lucky the world is, to have entertainment!
ppps: Also, this show is on the Country Music Television channel! WTF? Love it.

Why America is Fat!

Dear Blob!
I realized why America is fat! America is not fat, it's unbalanced. All the prettiest 'n' slimmest boys and girls of small-town America moved to Los Angeles to make money on their hottness, leaving the less-attractive, overweight people behind to re-populate small-town America with fat 'n' unsightly offspring! The Hot 'n' Slim People moved to LA and NYC where they make fortunes on their genetically or anorexia-induced cellulite-free bodies. There is no obesity epidemic in America, it just seems that way because all the super slim people live in LA!

If Super-Slim Susan lived in Witherspoon, Wisconsin and mated with Chubby Chad, their offspring would be normal. Instead, Super-Slim Susan moves to LA and mates with Closeted-Super-Hot-Todd and they create super-skinny, celebrity-obsessed children; the nouveau native Angelenos!

I know this theory does not take into account the Super-Sizing of American portions, which probably caused Small-Town-Tina to blossom from pleasingly-plump to ovally-obese. However, if all the super-slim, triple-hot model-types would return to Velveeta, Florida or Gingham, Montana, America would re-balance itself and the obesity epidemic would disappear, leaving towns of normal-sized people; The Fatties and the Bony Ones, creating fleets of height and weight proportionate people. Obesity Epidemic solved.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I dislike Keira Knightly and her irritating, pursed-lip pout-pose. That annoying lips-poised, pushed-outward look is also popular with the talentless Olsen Twins.
pps: While I admire the naturally-enormous lips of Angelina Jolie and Michelle Pfeiffer, I am deeply bothered by popularity of the collagen-lip-enhancement. I wish everyone who gets plastic surgery would receive, along with their primary consultation, a photo of Kanye West's mother, who died from cosmetic surgery.

Anorexia Thrives in LA!

Dear Blob,
I recently spent 10 days in the SF/Bay Area, where I felt healthy, fit and slim. I returned to LA a couple days ago and instantly felt fat again. Most LA white women my age, are ridiculously stick-model slim ; it's not the norm for women to look like US Weekly LA starlets. Blob & Readers, this is just a Ukulady reminder that anorexia and her various food-issue cousins, are definitely alive and thriving in LA! Anorexia Therapists, this is the place to live! I've always wondered who would live in LA, if they didn't work in the Industry, and now I realize, it must be all Anorexia Therapists and boutique mini-doggie-product peddlers. Now I'm going to eat ice cream.
Love The Ukulady
ps: How boring is Brittney these days?

Sarah Palin Blob Addendum

Dear Blob,
To be clear, in regards to yesterday's blob about Sarah Palin, I'm angry about her overwhelming Hypocrisy. That's all. Abstinence education obviously doesn't work. She clearly has a cooter that she used to conceive Bristol, Track and her recent infant, Trig. In regards to calling Trig retarded, which he is, I love retarded people - They are, generally, so loving, joyous and unbothered by the darkness of our world. Perhaps retarded isn't a kindly term, but in the heat of my disgust at Palin's hypocrisy and the entire political area, it made me feel better to call her Down's syndrome baby-named-fo- a-cowboy's-horse, retarded. Everyone is a hypocrite and obviously Sarah Palin's vagina and her daughter's, see a lot of action. Good for them. Hopefully, Bristol Palin will be swayed by the difficulty of teen parenthood, to become an advocate for Sex Education in the High Schools.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Maybe Bristol & Jamie Lynne will get together and rebel against their idiotic parents by forming a Teen Celebrity Mothers Against Abstinence Education!
pps: How much do you want to theoretically bet, Blob, that Laura Bush had Jenna on The Pill at like, age 16? A party girl like that, First lady probably didn't take any chances....

Is MILF Sarah Palin, a Cooterless Robot?

Dear Blob -
The Republican pick for VP, Sarah Palin, upon researching, just gets more ridiculous, depressing, outrageous, hilarious and unbelievable. Whether it's questioning the sanity of a Mother who names her children Bristol, Track and Trig - unbelievably ugly and stupid names - (yes this coming from Thessaly) - but Bristol? I think of Bristol Squibb, which makes me think of squid, which is not an attractive name for an unwed teen mother; or the photo of Sarah Palin proudly squatting over a dead bloody moose, hot red blood steaming, soaking into icy white snow; or perhaps the youtube news footage of the former Miss Alaska Runner-Up caught lying, abusing her power and simultaneously mentioning Bootlegging as a serious issue her administration will tackle - Bootlegging? How about the rampant & famous Alaska Alcoholism or an issue close to her, Teen Pregnancy? And there's so much to question about a woman-in-labor, who breaks her water, but opts to give a political speech and then get on an 8 hour flight, instead of going to a birthing center or hospital - An 8 hour airplane ride in labor?! Is she an Aliencreature? And she's open to Creationism being taught in schools. I wonder if Bristol and Track had saddled-dinosaurs as playtoys.... I'm more frightened though, by the Supporters of this insane, Dark-Side "woman". And the ridiculous topper is her dinosaur-riding knocked-up 17-year-old daughter! So much for W's Abstinence Program. Good times! Us Pagans use condoms or go to Planned Parenthood. I feel sorry for Hillary, spending her life trying to become the first high-officed lady, only to give away the potential-office to someone who's only commonality, is her Vagina - if Sarah Palin even has a vagina. Because robots don't need cooters and she might be a Robot-of-the-Dark-Side. As a geniune vagina-having human, I cringe at the potential political representative of our gender. In addition, what kind of mother leaves her retarded infant at 4 months, to work the campaign-trail? Yes, I used the term Retarded and it feels good. It also feels good to declare Sarah Palin a MILF. I don't want to fuck her, but I'm sure many people will. She resembles a naughty secretary, with her windblown upswept hair, tendrils askew, sexy-office-bodice waiting to be ripped open, made love to atop her dead bloody moose, NRA-issued rifle in hand...I can't wait for the x-rated internet buzz on her!
Love The Ukulady
ps: Sarah Palin is almost too much comedy material to handle. I'm overwhelmed! What to make fun of first?

Cupcake & Swizzle Stick in "Success!"

www.myspace.com/CupcakeAndSwizzleStick

Cake & Love!

The Ukulady sings a song about Cake & Love!

Purple Cabbage & Britney

Dear Blob,
Tonight as I was making purple cabbage salad, my Manpanion told me that purple cabbages are not naturally purple, but bleached and then soaked in squid ink. Shocked, but totally believing, I got very upset at the cabbage industry for their deception and angrily decided to never cook with purple cabbage again. Then Manpanion told me he was lying and I felt really ridiculous and overly-gullible. In other news, I'm obsessed with a song by Loretta Lynne called "Fist City", about taking out a rival-lady, who hits on her man; but all my gay boys like the song title for other reasons.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I discovered my cousin loves Britney Spears so much, not only did she name her cat, Britney, but she got the exact same tattoo as Britney.
pps: My cousin got the tattoo, not the cat.

Olympic Party Cube Fever!

Dear Blob,
I've caught Olympic Fever! Every night, instead of reading the piling-up New Yorkers and Harpers, I've been watching Olympic Gymnastics on the interweb (as I don't know how to operate the television). OMG, Shawn Johnson is so friggin' cute with her little snub nose and outrageous thigh muscles! At Olympic-Viewing time, my boudoir becomes the Olympic Party Cube and me and Nastia and Shawn totally rock out! However, while the Chinese have put on a good show, I can't help questioning who the hell let China host the Olympics? This is the same government that killed students, fairly recently. And as every obviously-14-year-old Chinese gymnast competes, I can't help but root for them, knowing they haven't seen their families in years and if they fail, the government will kill their parents, kittenpets and relegate them to factory work. And the Opening-Ceremonies Milli-Vanilli incident is ridiculous - once again, who gets the Decision-Wand-Of-Power in determining Super-Prettiness and Cuteness? Apparently government officials. In other news, I urge you, Blob and Reader, to watch the Olympic Women's Weight Lifting! It is amazing! The women are so beefy and manly and wear the most camel-toeriffic suits and lift ridiculous amounts of weight. My question is, how did these athletes discover weight-lifting is their gift? Who said to them, "OMG, you are the strongest girl at Jenna Bush High School! You could be an Olympic contender!" Apparently someone.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I'm writing LA Cupcake reviews on Yelp.com, for anyone interested in the Best Cupcake in LA....
pps: Olympic Synchronized Swimming? Ridiculous, yet riveting. It's like a bunch of musical theater girls were kicked out of a show and recruited by the swim coach. Busby Berkeley would be proud.

My Now-Fat Enemy

Dear Blob,
As unicornrainbow-glitterponymagic peace-loving-Northern California-Child-O'-Hippies, as I am, I can still be vindictive, judgmental and occasionally, mean. However, when that occurs, it is usually for a good reason. Today in yoga class I saw, for the first time in a year, my former neighbor, who betrayed me in the most hideously-betrayingly-repulsive way as possible (details are uneccessary, but do know, Blob, this Former Neighbor took my Dad and I to court, where she was humiliated by the judge for being uneducated, ridiculous and caseless). In yoga today, I was pleased to see that she is now Fat.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Fat for her - she'd probably gained 25 pounds. Meaty, perhaps.
pps: She'd been a bony slimsy-etta before.
ppps: While I am not the slimmest, I kicked ass in yoga, while she and her newly-thickened body, had to take child-pose multiple times.
pppps: Of course, it is in one-love yoga class where I was challenged by the universe.
ppppps: This former neighbor had once been a close friend, not some regular neighbor. The kind of friend who confides in you and is pretty much a roommate, because she spends so much time at your cleaner-than-her-because-of-her-dirty-roommate house. I guess I'm still angry.

Cupcake & Swizzle Stick in "Fat!"

Cupcake & SwizzleStick in "Fat!"

www.myspace.com/CupcakeAndSwizzleStick

The Ukulady is Super Pretty!

Dear Blob,
I just applied for this job:
Children's Birthdays/Events-Females Needed-Charismatic & Super-Pretty
I sent them an email that said:
The Ukulady is charismatic and Super Pretty! And a link to my myspace page, which features songs including the words Whore, Cooter and sometimes, Vagina.
Who, I would like to know, is deciding who is Super Pretty? The craigslist ad specifically said they are really interested in blond "princess" types. Does this mean the little plump heeb and other non-blond-non-whitey girls are being entertained by WASPY Barbie doll types and have no darkie non-traditional Super Pretties to emulate? My manpanion, mom and dad think I'm Super Pretty so therefore, I should qualify for the job. I hope I get a job interview.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Who the fuck uses the term "Super Pretty" in a job listing? Seeking Day Laborers: Must be reliable, responsible and Super Pretty.
pps: Fucking LA. She is a whoreville.
ppps: McCain and his "Super Pretty" (terrifyingly scary) wife, Cindy, suck. You'd think living in a cage and drinking urine for several years, would instill Integrity For Life. Another lesson in "Nothing is certain except change".

Anderson Cooper ’n’ the Lohans

Dear Blob,
Hopefully your power as a forum for opinion can help the children of the world! Parents, please stop whoring your children out! My rant is fueled by the feud between CNN's Anderson Cooper and the Lohans, a ridiculous sentence within itself. While the Lohan's aren't actually selling their daughters into the sex trade, like many parents in the world, particularly the 3rd world, as reported in a recent New Yorker article about India's Goddess Whores article, Michael and Dina Lohan have certainly used their pleasingly-slim 'n' pretty daughters to gain fame 'n' fortune. Anderson Cooper was using his news reporter power the same way I am using the power of you, Blob! A plea to parents to Stop Whoring Out Your Child!
Love The Ukulady
ps: I mistakenly wrote Choring, instead of Whoring, which pleased me, as Whoring is a chore for the whores. It's a chore to be a whore! Love it!
pps: The entertainment industry is a whore.
ppps: Dina Lohan is a whore and I do not wish her well.
pppps: But I wish Lindsey Lohan well! Go Lesbian Lindsey!

Cupcake & Swizzle Stick in "Cupcake's Nightmare!"

Cupcake and Swizzle Stick in "Cupcake's Nightmare!"

www.myspace.com/CupcakeAndSwizzleStick

Justin Timberlake 'n' Me!

Dear Blob,
This week I had the pleasure of watching the backs of celebrity heads, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel, cuddle and smooch, at The Hollywood Improv, awaiting my turn to potentially entertain the star-powered couple. Imagine my luck, I thought, performing this month for Gene Simmons and Justin Timberlake! Fantasies of singing my version of Ooops! for Britney's ex-boyfriend , waffled through my pancake-loving mind, as I awaited my performance-turn.... Perhaps The Ukulady would be asked to open for Justin's next world tour! Maybe he and Jessica would hire me to perform at their wedding.....Alas, my BFF-With-JT-dreams were dashed to the rocks of foiled-fantasies, when he and his entourage departed the Improv right before my set, which kind of sucked, as the Comedy Club audience aren't the cleverest of crowds; more interested in college-guy pot 'n' pussy-humor. It's an emotion-roller-coaster, Blob 'n' Readers, to show up for a show and be first, surprised by the attendance of a coveted US Weekly celebrity-couple and then 2nd, nervous to perform for the man who Brought Sexy Back and finally, disappointed to perform for a crowd of just plain people. Celebrities are more important than anyone and I know that if Jessica and Justin had seen The Ukulady, they would have totally asked me to be their best friend and comedy sidekick.
Love The Ukulady
ps: My first draft of this blob, I wrote Lick instead of Luck
pps: I can't believe McCain has the gall to compare Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears! He's the one with the celebrity-whore-blogging daughter who is BFF with talentless non-celebrity celebrities, such as the sluts from The Hills, as reported by US Weekly.

Dear Blob & Palsies!
The Ukulady is working on getting her own show! Please enjoy the salestape of The Ponyshow! Love The Ukulady
www.myspace.com/TheUkulady
www.youtube.com/ThessalyLerner

Cupcake & Swizzle Stick in "Moustache Day!"

Happy Moustache Day!

Gene Simmons, Brangelina, Parastic Twins & Camping!

Gene Simmons, Brangelina, Parasitic Twins & Camping!
Dear Blob,
I performed for Gene Simmons last week and am contractually forbidden to say anything on the subject. I auditioned to be an in UnNamed soon-to-be-aired reality television show, based on songwriting. Gene told me I am a natural performer and I am proud of him for not being dead. Once the show airs, I will post a full-disclosure blob on the subject.

In other news, I dreamt I was BFF with Brangelina and all their kids. In real life, I did go to Jane Fonda's acting summer camp with Angelina, in the '80's. She and I were never in the same bunk, and I recall her being extremely shy, so a tween friendship never materialized.

An early morning question queried by my manpanion:
"If Siamese twins have sex, is it masturbation, or incest?" Wow. Probably both. Weird. I'm relieved I don't have a parasitic twin. I'm also relieved I wasn't born with two faces. Google that one, Blob! A baby in India was born with a rare condition, two faces. I don't recommend googling medical oddities and deformities, before bed.
Love The Ukulady

ps: Manpanion and I went camping last weekend and a skeevy wannabe hippie was making the rounds, attempting to befriend other campers. Luckily, Manpanion wore his comedy Republican hat, discovered to be The Best Deterrent for skeevy wannabe hippies. The schmucky one-world-one-love-hippie saw Manpanion's "Proud to be a Republican" hat and pleasingly, steered clear of our campsite.
pps: Do not go camping in the summer. Schmucks abound, with a enormous disrespect for other campers and the earth, as proven by a pristine emerald waterfall, fringed with moss, ferns, a cast-aside lavender g-string and a dirty diaper.

Cupcake & SwizzleStick in "Camoflaged!"

Cupcake & SwizzleStick Welcome You!!

Saturdays on www.Youtube.com/Webelebrity and always at
www.myspace.com/CupcakeAndSwizzleStick

Astrid Struedelman & Unidog chat with Unicorns!

Californians Care for Britney!

Dear Blob,
Here are today's headlines in the LA Times California section; it's a grab-bag of important tidbits that are apparently, of importance to Californians:
-Police Dog Found Dead in Squad Car
-Nasa Employee 1 of 4 fire victims
-Britney Spears custody modifed
-Pot Operations targeted in raid
-2 girls hurt in shooting
-a couple more nibblets about sex abuse, Marine contempt and electricity rates.
Now while the news is often bleak and unfunny, I like to have a vague knowledge of topics that often make me feel better about my life. I wasn't hurt in a shooting, or a fire victim and I don't have dead dog in my car.

And in LA, it is equally important to know about drug raids as it is to know that Britney is Healing! A bit of good news relevant to all Californian citizens! Because we were worried. As soon as my Georgia-native manpanion moved to LA, he developed a concern for Britney Spear's well-being, as do my pregnant Lateen neighbors and the homeless junkie whores on skid row. Californians are concerned about Britney! Well, it's a brighter day for us Californians, because Britney and Kevin are modifying their custody arrangement! Upon reading this LA Times news, the relief that washes over me, makes up for the snub I received from Jenna Bush, in not being invited to her wedding. All is well! Congratulations Britney & Kevin!!!!!!!
Love The Ukulady
ps: my manpanion has invented Green Beans that taste like French Fries!
Recipe: Coat Green Beans in olive oil, sea salt and pepper and roast in oven at 450 for about 20 minutes. They are unbelievable!
pps: I hope Britney and Kevin start cooking together with their private chef!

Jamie Lynn Spears and Vaginas!

Dear Blob,
Jamie Lynn Spears, 17 year old sister to Britney, has given birth via scheduled C-Section. Her teen vagina is still firm, tight, but not so fresh and virginal as a Christian-valued community member, would prefer. And while we're discussing tight vajees, my manager, who is tight in the Hollywood community, informed me that the renown plastic surgeon to the stars does at least 3 vajee rejuvs a day. I suppose the surgeon gathers the celebrity vajee flaps into a bouquet of sorts, and perhaps uses a tourniquet, then clips the pleats of vagina, trimming the pleats into a non-plural pleat, leaving 2 or 3 vagina folds, which, when un-tourniquetted, reveals a super-tight vagina, the skin shiny from it's vajee-lip-face-lift, like Joan River's shiny sheen-of-a-face.

In other, but related news, Cindy McCain terrifies me. She is so face-lifted-scary. I admire John McCain for living in a tiger cage in Vietnam for 5 years, but he resembles a shriveled testicle and is a puppet-of-the-Dark-Side. I love Barack and Michelle and if (Crossies!) he becomes the president of our pathetic and crumbled country, it will be an amazing and wonderful day.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Unfortunately love is bad for summer bikini-bodies. My winter of making-out and eating sweets has destroyed 2 years of dilligent LA-driven body-fat-minimalzation work. Being less than 5 feet is handy when I need to dash through crowds, but is a bummer when one cookie adds a bra-size. Cookies and the pill.
pps: I'd rather be fat than worried about getting knocked-up, like Jamie Lynn. I hope the irresponsible slut goes on the pill.

Velvetina Witherspoon chats with Rob Lowe!

Do Horses Swim?

Dear Blob,
Manpanion and I went to the beach today and discussed desert islands and I was reminded of the 80's movie, The Black Stallion, a "children's" movie that forever scarred me, implanting within me, a fear of being on a sinking boat and subsequently, a desert island with only a wild horse for company. Manpanion is too young to have seen The Black Stallion and insists that horses do not swim. In The Black Stallion, the Black Stallion saved the young boy, swimming them both to the deserted island. I think horses swim. I am writing this blob before researching on the interweb, so I encourage you, Reader, to discuss with your friends, Do Horses Swim?
Love The Ukulady
ps: I'm 95% sure I saw Aaron Eckhart from "Thank You For Smoking" jogging on the beach. Manpanion doesn't know who Aaron Eckhart is, so he was disappointed that his first potential LA celebrity sighting, was, alas, not a celebrity sighting, for him. Mr. Eckhart was shirtless.
pps: Skee Ball courts in arcades from Georgia to Santa Monica, CA, have unfortunately begun replacing the satisfying wooden skee balls with lighter, lamer, plastic - boo.

Blob-Writing

Dear Blob,
Each morning as I drink my coffee and read about the impending depression, I consider writing a blob, but ever since I fell in love, I have nothing new to say. The same topics run through my head: reluctant acceptance of the still-present tummy-Roll, less firm these days due to less yoga, due to constant travel; irritation at Miley Cyrus, the Simpson sisters, the Scientologists - however, nothing out of the ordinary; boredom of politics, rising gas prices and the constant battle to fuck fear and live in the present moment.

One-Sentence Blobs of The Ukulady:
-Say, "Heat Flap" and then reverse it, "Flap Heat", several times, quickly.
-I wish cookies were vegetables.
Love The UkuLady
ps: LA lesbians are too cool to have mullets. At Dyke Days LA, my manpanion and I played "Count The Mullet" and disappointingly, we only saw 2 potential mullets. Both were more like stringy 80's punk hair-cuts, like the skinny-legged Silverlake people's hair. For my readers who don't know Silverlake people, they look like very well-groomed gay junkies wearing $200 jeans that make their legs look like pipe-cleaners.

Roadtrip Picsies & Lindsey Lohan’s Lesbianism!

Dear Blob!
Even though I am not gay, I am oddly excited that, according to US Weekly and Star Magazine, LIndsey Lohan is in a hot and heavy relationship with a woman. The Ukulady performed at LA's oldest Lesbian bar last night, and was able to tell the news to the audience, most of whom, were unaware of Lindsey's newly-outed lesbianism. Everyone was very excited, although there were several naysayers, jeeringly calling Lindsey bi-curious and bored. Perhaps she is, but regardless, Lindsey Lohan is nibbling the ruffled meat curtains and not hiding it from the public. Perhaps that's what I admire; her unwillingness to pretend she's not in a lesbian relationship.

In other news, here is the requested link to my Roadtrip Pictures:

Cross Country Trip

RoadTrip Fever!

Dear Blob!
Who are these talentless, time-wasting, horse-faced whores from "The Hills"? and when will they cease gracing the covers of my US Weekly magazines? I much prefer to learn about Brangelina, Kate Hudson's latest lovers, and other sordid sagas of real celebrities. The tacky, rather ugly girls from "The Hills" do not hold the appeal of Jennifer Aniston's rocky, but juicy, love-life or the ongoing drama of good old Brittney and Jamie Lyn and newly-lesbian Lindsey Lohan! You go Lindsey!

In other news, I just spent 11 days on a cross-country roadtrip with True Love (TR), from Georgia to Laland. Highlights included humid Southern-artists wedding in rural Alabama, which had superlative wedding barbecue and all-you-can-eat-shuck-your-own-oysters, an unheard of luxury
on the west coast, but apparently food-of-the-people, in the South. On the way to the Alabama wedding, TR and I stopped for gas and upon purchasing, I inquired of the salesclerk, "What town are we in?" and she replied, "Alabama." Again I said, "Yes, but what town?" "Alabama." "I know, but what town is this?" "Oh. Selma."

TR and I quested for the folk-art grocery-church in Vicksburg, Mississippi, and came upon a rainbow-painted cinder-block, mardi-gras-beaded, ramshackle extravaganza, which resembled Lady Elaine of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood's, house. Reverend Herman and his wife, Margaret, the very black and very quirky 93-year-old host and hostess , sat on the porch and were thrilled to have visitors. Reverend Herman built the folk-art grocery-church for Margaret and repeated the same 3 phrases throughout our visit: 1. You can leave a donation, but you don't have too! 2. Don't drink or gamble and bring all your money home to your wife, who is your angel! 3. Take pictures of my church I built! It was surrealism in action. No need for The Ukulady to go to Burning Man - magical adventures and surrealism are everywhere.

TR and I hit the Carlsbad Caverns, which are a Must-See for anyone interested in beauty; the Grand Canyon, another beauty Must-See; a ridiculously windy Mojave desert, complete with 3 inch white spiders.

I was surprised that Louisiana is seemingly all-swamp and Mississippi is full of magnolia trees. Texas is huge and apparently smoking is still legal, in eateries. In San Antonio, New Mexico, we came upon the 7th Best Burger in America, at a tiny hole-in-the-wall called The Buckhorn. GQ magazine had somehow stumbled upon the blink-and-miss-it town, and sure enough, the green chile burger was awesome.

No roadtrip can be summed up in a mere blog/b, but I wanted to alert you, oh Blob, and readers, as to my slacker whereabouts lately.
Love The Ukulady
ps: TR and I invented a great game called Mississippi Go! The goal is to spell Mississippi the fastest. Player 1 begins, spelling Mississippi as fast as he/she can and when finished spelling, he/she shouts, "Go!" and Player 2 spells as fast as possible and shouts Go! and onwards until neither player is capable of spelling Mississippi anymore. Good Times.

pps: We tried to go to a pie shack in Natchez, Mississippi, called Mammy's Cupboard, which is a huge black mammy-shaped building, with what Roadfood.com said has the best banana caramel pie ever. To our enormous disappointment, by the time we got to Mammy's cupboard, indeed a scarf-headed, tray-laden, black-lady-shaped building with the front door in her huge pink skirt, Mammy's cupboard was closed.

Jenna Bush's Wedding & other Presidential-ish Acquiantances...

Dear Blob,
Jenna Bush is getting married this Saturday and she didn't invite me. I'm disappointed. In other news, I unknowingly hob-nobbed with the son of former-presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, John Mark Huckabee. We both responded to a craiglist ad and exchanged our respective services for free editing. I as a "comedy actress' and he as "film crew and extra". The son of Mike Huckabee pretended to be a mental hospital guard, and I, his mental patient ward.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I wonder if John Mark Huckabee is going to Jenna's wedding...

Astrid Struedelman receives gift from Nanny!

Me & My Celebrity Friends

Sims Session Tidbit NIbblets

Dear Blob,
I enjoyed 2 days in the Sims studio this week with my awesome fellow Sim Voiceover pals, Jack and Gerri! Here are some tidbit nibblets from our sessions:
1. Wand Man! A Superhero
2. Kvetchshirts - Sweatshirts for the Jews.
3. Teasly and Sparcity - Unfortunately-named girls.
4. the Pillsbury Dough Witch
5. The Witch Laugh Comp! A Great Parlour Game!
6. Gay Phone! You have to sing it, like it's a jingle: Gay Phone! And picture a fabulous queeny boy chatting on his fabulous Gay Phone!
7. Florkle - a ladle fork, cousin to the Spork.
8. Slice, the drink - where has it gone?
Love The Ukulady
ps: I made Heart Binoculars and asked Jack what they were, and he said FriendHeart Goggles.
pps: For all you Sims fans....this expansion pack is not Sims Domestic Servant or Sims Illegal Immigrant.....something to hope for in the future....
pps: For those of you who do not know, these tidbit nibblets come out of speaking in gibberish for 6 hours in a row.

CigarBox Uke Fever!

Supermodels & SuperVillians

Dear Blob,
A trip to the Natural History Museum in New York City confirmed that neither dinosaurs nor walrus are supermodels. Both mammals seem to flaunt their plumpness; swollen bellies of blubber and meat swaddling rotund carriages. In no way are dinosaurs or walrus prepared to compete on America's Next Top Model.
In other news, Nazis rejoice! The world now has a new wonderfully hate-able supervillian, Heather Mills McCartney. What a distastefully money-grubbing, spotlight-whoring, transparently disingenuous person. Aging millionaires, take note! Being one-legged does not mean one is automatically rich-in-scruples! For some prejudiced reason, my first instinct, when I think of The Disfigured, is that they are moral and ethically sound, like Tiny Tim, wishing goodwill on earth and peace for all men. While thinking bad thoughts of others isn't the most productive past-time, part of me hopes Heather Mills McCartney feels empty and gets fat.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Walrus is such an odd plural word. I feel like they should be Walri.
pps: The Ukulady was in NYC for the NY Uke Fest, which, Uke Players take note, was not a pleasant experience. I will not attend again.

The UkuLady & Trevor Penick of O-Town!!

I Like Tori Spelling

Dear Blob,
I've concluded I admire and like Tori Spelling. I decided this morning after reading that Tori is signing her new book, sTori Telling. Being a somewhat snobbish Northern Californian hippie/intellectual/artist, I initially felt Shame admitting my Tori Spelling admiration. The Shame passed in a few seconds as I find Shame to be totally boring and energy-draining. Pride feels much better. Shame makes my chest slump down and feeling Proud of Tori and Proud to like her, I stand tall! I Like Tori Spelling. Blob and reader, you may question why, as she's not particularly talented or a do-gooder. While lacking those qualities, she still manages to be constantly in the spotlight and always re-inventing herself; she's the unattractive 90210 castmate, she's an innkeeper, she's the spurned-child feuding with the evil overly-plastic-surgeried Candy Spelling, she's head-over-heels in love with a married man, she's a mother and I'm pretty sure she's a faghag. Mostly she's a good business woman. I like good business women.
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news, The Ukulady recently interviewed Trevor Penick from the boy band O-Town! A youtube video of our awesome good times, which include dance instruction, will be available on youtube soonsies!

Heart Binoculars

Summary of the South

Dear Blob,
The Ukulady’s Fantasy Southern Love Vacation has concluded, leaving me plumper, well-pampered by my True Love (TR) and finally-decompressed from LA’s unnecessary and ever-present over-adrenalined, urgency, which will probably return after 24 hours in LA. Like the rest of the world, the Deep South is a place of contrasting realities, stereotypes and hypocrisy; world-class Watts Towers/Gaudi Towers-level folk art called Pasaquan (www.pasaquan.org) alongside supersize Wal-Marts and fast-food chains; authentic warmth and hospitality hand-in-hand with racism and homophobia. Most strikingly, I found the South to be a land of many sad people living unsatisfying, unhappy lives and looking to the patriarchal God for meaning, community and a sense of belonging. Amidst the sad people accepting of a common chain-restaurant life, are many truly extraordinary people, artists, thinkers, historians, and activists. The Deep South is bleakly beautiful; old brick factories, red geologically-phenomenal earth formations and millions of trees in bloom, a relieving optical distraction from Krystal Burger, NeedGod.com billboards and churches everywhere. The Bible Belt is a fitting name. Even the seemingly-millions of churches in LA cannot compare to the millions-more churches, friggin’ everywhere in the South.

Aside from religion and a-pretty-much- lack of Latino and Asian people, the cultural differences of California and the Deep South are mostly food-related; people drink soda instead of water, avocados are still uncommon and hummus hasn’t reached the masses yet. Trader Joes just opened in Atlanta, so it won’t be long until Soy Crisps and mango salsa are consumed alongside fried pickles and butter beans. I experienced Waffle House, Cracker Barrel and a Dairy Queen. Warning – the DQ’s small Blizzard is Huge – too much to finish and I’m an ice cream loving, waste-hating Heeb. I had to throw ice cream away for the first time in my life. Also, Reader, heed warning of the breakfast gravy at Cracker Barrel. I only had a tiny taste and its pig-waste, garbage-ee flavor almost made me gag. Cracker Barrel gravy tastes like food of the poor –an attempt to make something out of nothing and using what is available; in this case, it seemed to be rancid lard. The South is truly swollen with very large people. A body considered plump or chubby in CA is seen as normal to slim in the South. Fat is politely called “big boned” and I have no doubt that another week in the South would have added five pounds to my, as once described by a theater critic 10 pounds ago, “zaftig” frame. The temptation of “down-home cooking” and homemade pie everywhere, constantly taunted me: “Ukulady, you must sample All the homemade pie of the South!” The best was a Mason jar of banana pudding with Nilla Wafers and sugar-glazed meringue at a barbecue eatery in Columbus, GA, called Country’s.

My final night in the Deep South TR and I went bowling. We stumbled upon dollar Bud-pitcher night at Peachtree Lanes and I was simultaneously repulsed and fascinated to bowl alongside a clutch, fleet, murder or perhaps the appropriate word is Keg-Party of Southern Frat boys and their Abercrombie & Fitch-clad women. The drunken bowling Keg Party of Frat People were complete jackasses, as TR calls them (I call them Schmucks), loud, abrasive and identical. The women wore low-cut jean-capris, tight breast-accentuating shirts and all of their perfectly-mussed ponytail/buns had snug, low-brimmed caps shading their heavily-mascara-ed eyes. Their men, boys really, chewed tobacco, clutched cups for spitting and wore flip-flops. Kegs of Frat People are everywhere, but the South has an unfortunately high-percentage of them, my Southern-born TR revealed to me. His distaste towards them allows no room for the amusement I found in them, due to his life dealing with their constant jackassery. I felt lucky to have been raised in the uber-progressive unreality of the Bay Area, CA, where Kegs of Frat People are the minority.

My TR and I are from the same planet, thought & value-wise, but his Southern world is a place where bohemians, dorks and artists are the minority, fleeing after graduations and leaving the land to be ruled by the rednecks and jackasses. Where as I come from the land ruled by Nerds.

Five Nibblets of Note:
1. Kiss Mittens – mittens made out of kisses.
2. Lateen Wolf – see preceding vlog.
3. Sex Fort – the fort of sheets in a Getting’ Busy Bed; but you have to sing it, “Sex Fort! A Fort for Sex!”
4. Java for Jehovah – this is a real coffee bar at a mega-church in the South.
5. Turtles are called Cooters in the South – there are menus, apparently, with Cooter Soup, on them.
6.
Love The Ukulady
Ps: Jenna Bush did not show up at any of my Southern shows. Bitch.

Lateen Wolf!

Dispatch from the Deep South

Dear Blob,
Greetings from the Deep South! I've taken a well-desereved vacation from the feverish hubbub of LA, and have been sampling the best Bohemia and stereotypes of the Bible Belt. Aside from Extreme-In-Loveness (the reason I am vacationing in the Deep South) hiighlights include:
1. purchasing boiled peanuts from a pleasingly-stereotypical white-trash obese meth-addict at a flea market in Alabama.
2. The three obese kitten-sweatshirt-wearing early-twenties gals, manning the cash register at a Salvation Army and gossiping about their children, in Alabama, where I purchased an Alabama sorority tee shirt and a pageant-winner trophy.
3. Subsequently, taking my pageant trophy to the Smoky Pig barbecue in Georgia, where the 2 old toothless ladies dishing up awesome pulled-pork sandwiches, asked me what I'd won. They were disappointed to hear I'd won nothing, except an awesome Salvation Army find.
4. Sweet tea at the Smoky Pig and overhearing the toothless lady scream at someone on the rotary telephone to "Go to your room!" I've never heard anyone discipline someone over the telephone.
5. Superlative geology, parks and folk art: www.pasaquan.com
6. Roasting freshly-cracked pecans newly-picked, with butter and sugar, over a campfire, playing uke and being entertained by a banjo-playing hottie, under Southern stars. Very indie-folk-rock-pioneer.
7. The Cracker Barrel waitress: pleasingly plump and delightfully hospitable.
8. Biscuits, fudge, ice cream and pie.
9. Graffiti tits, word and illustration, on the back of a Methodist church; where my southern man took me, Jew in the South, to a church wedding; where the pastor announced the bride and groom's relationship was a three-way with Jesus. And the reception was in the church gym, reminiscent of Teen Wolf....
10. Singing "LA County Fair" at the Ukulady's Southern debt, and akwardly realizing 3/4ths of the audience were the obese people discussed in song.
11. More later....
Love The Ukulady
ps: the Strawberry wedding cake at the three-way with Jesus wedding! awesome.

If I Was Gay...

Bette Midler's Cameltoe

Dear Blob,
Total Cameltoe Alert (TCA)! The other day, the calender section of the LA Times featured a color photo of the Divine Miss M, Bette Midler, with total cameltoe! It was a picture from her new Vegas show and apparently the photo editor failed to notice that Bette's shiny and unfortunately, Pouch Pants (where the tummy roll is pouched, appearing pet-like or tummy-roll-handbag-ish), not only unflatteringly flaunted her pouch, but also were going right up her cooter.

In other news, I drove past a Lateen mother yesterday, holding an infant sucking on a grape lollypop. The baby couldn't have been more than 6 months. Sights like this cause The UkuLady to feel philosophically hopeless about human beings evolution. Who the fuck feeds an infant candy? I don't care how old of a mother you are. Instinct says, infants eat breast milk. Stick with the fucking basics of human nature...Breastfeeding.
Love The Ukulady
ps: Roller Skate CD release Party was awesome! Gay Skate Night in Glendale is the funnest activity in LA!

Horror Flick Whore

Yay for North Korea!

Dear Blob,
I just wanted to give a quickie virtual high-five to North Korea! It's great to have a scapegoat country-of-evil to mock and cast as the villian! Thank you Kim Jong Il!
Love The Ukulady
ps: I could use Turkmenistan, as their dictator is a total nut, but Turkemnistan is 1. Too Borat and 2. Too obscure for the masses.
pps: Also, I love the general obsession with Kareoke shared by most Asian countries and their people...
ppps: Heal Britney!

Condoms & Despair

Dear Blob,
I do not recommend The Despairing should come to LA, thinking because the city is usually sunny, happiness will be found. This was one of my Jogging-Thoughts, today, running past Despairing Homeless Person after Despairing Junkie in Echo Park. There are about 6 million people in LA and I think 3 million are probably despairing; 2 million are perhaps slightly depressed and I hope it's not optimistic to think there are 1 million truly happy people in LA.

In other news, I feel mixed about seeing used condoms on the street. My initial reaction is repulsion at being subjected to someone else's disgusting, withered wiener-wrappers; but then I'm really happy and proud of the condom-user, at their thoughtfulness, taking the time to practice safe sex on the corner of De Longpre and Gower, across from Sunset Studios.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I am one of the 1 million; truly happy.
pps: Heal Britney!

Happy Valentine's Daysies!

The Racism Handbag Tote

Dear Blob,
One of my Fleet of Gay Men has invested in the gayest thing ever, a line of handbag totes designed by another gay man. At my investorPal's house last night, he invited me to the garage for a preview of the line, which is debuting in Vegas this week. There are 4 handbag totes to choose from, each complete with original art by the Designer. InvestorPal broke into the fresh-from-China boxes of 1000 handbag totes and showed me the first 3, a yellow, the Mao bag, with cutouts of the lovable dictator, and a green one (which I eventually chose to take home); but he was searching for "The Red Bag" and said I would love it! After a few boxes, he finally, gaily exlaimed, "Aha!" and The Red Bag was revealed. Upon first glance, I exhaled a gaspy wow-ish kind of sound and a phrase similar to, "OMG, that's incredibly racist!" was expelled from my awed mouth. The Red Handbag Tote features cutout collage pictures of the Amos & Andy/Mammy Blackface kids of yesteryear, symbols of oppression, racism and slavery.

InvestorPal-of-200-Racism-Tote-Handbags, (which donate a percentage of sales to an AIDS charity) divulged that the Tote-Handbag-Designer had no idea the blackface cartoons were symbols of racism and it was a total Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm Moment. One of my Fleet Of Gay Men is stuck owning 200 Racist Designer Handbags and is going to try and sell them to the public. Apparently Muhammed Ali's daughter was given one of the Blackface handbags, which she graciously accepted. I like to think I have a great sense of humor, but I wouldn't be caught dead carrying one of those, especially during my upcoming trip to The South., which is not to say I was offended. I was not offended, but amazed that the designer was unaware that Blackface isn't really acceptable in California and I think the rest of the United States & Canada.
Love The Ukulady
ps: When I lived in Holland in 1995 the department store was selling Carnival costumes advertised as - I can't believe I'm going to write this word: Negro!
pps: And during the same time, McDonalds in Germany was selling Asian-themed McNuggets, which came in a red box featuring a buck-toothed slanty-eyed Ching-Chong-Chinaman.
ppps: I think talking about racism is healthy.
pppps: Heal Britney!

The Ukulady & Gerri Lawlow heal & share...

Astrid Struedelman & Vampire Potato

Heal Britney!

Dear Blob,
I hope Britney heals. Upon reflection, my gay bear manager and I realized we should have put the message "Heal Britney", at the end of "Oops I Did It Again".
In other news, don't Myley Cyrus's parents see the ominous potential repercussions of allowing their daughter to dress like a child whore? And, the LA Times reported that a children's bedding company was recently busted for naming one of their items, a children's bed, The Lolita. What marketing team was like, "Yes! Brilliant! The Lolita children's beds will be snapped up like free doughnuts at a medical marijuana convention!".
Love The Ukulady
ps: Is Angelina really pregnant with twins or is Star magazine lying to me?!
pps: A friend got me a subscription to US Weekly and Star Magazine for Heeb Christmas. However, instead of being inspired by the repulsiveness, I am feeling overexposed, glazed and uncaring of the Slimmest Ladies in LA. That's what starlets should be called. The Slimmest. I hate, pity, love and envy them all at the same time...

I Do Not Know Jorja Fox

Dear Blob,
It was quite the celebrity day in Hollywood today. I just barely saved myself from looking like a total jackass to CSI star, Jorja Fox. Here's the scoop: Being "on deck" at my voiceover agency to audition, means lingering my the desks of the assistants, who are awesome. I enjoy chit chat with the Tallest-Assistant-In-The-World, Jeff, who is almost 7 feet and hilarious. On Jeff's desk last week, was a notice for a show at the LBGT Center, produced by Jorja Fox. I have a comedy pal who's name is also spelled Jorja and in the fever of the moment, failed to realize that Jorja Fox, the adorably gap-toothed star of CSI, is not my comedy friend seeking a voiceover agent, Jorja. Jeff informed met that Jorja had recently signed with my agency and he was going to go see her show. Thrilled that my agent-seeking friend, Jorja, had seemingly signed with my agent, I suggested to Jeff that we see her show together, as I knew her too! Last week we set the date for this upcoming Friday, and today at the agency, Jeff and I touched base about the show. In the midst of this Touching Base convo, Jeff mentioned that Jorja was very rich. I expressed surprise, as I didn't think my comedy friend Jorja, was rich and Jeff was like, "Yeah, all those millions of CSI episodes..." and I suddenly realized what a total schmuck I was and Jorja Fox is not my personal Friend. I can't even remember my friend, Jorja's last name.

In other celebrity news, Bud Bundy of Married With Children, who's real name is David, has stopped doing drugs and drinking, owns a ukulele and wants to learn how to play. I suggested a tea-drinking, ukulele-teaching hang-out sesh and we'll see if he follows up. You never know who is going to be in the waiting room of my voicever agency; usually that faintly recognizable person is not someone I went to high school with, but formerly well-known actor trying to make a buck. Good Times.
Love The Ukulady
PS: What's the deal with the mayor in some Texas town, stealing her neighbor's dog, renaming it Panchito and lying about having stolen it. You'd think if you're going to steal a dog, you'd steal one from across town.

Meet Velvetina Witherspoon, Woman of the Night

A Big Weekend

Unicorn Snacks!

Meet Astrid Struedelman, Unicorn Whisperer...

The First Album of a Child Star!

Dear Blob!
I can't believe people besides my mom and dad are buying my album!!! I already have several sales from people I have not met in real life and are in no way related to me!!

When I was a child, all I wanted was to be a child star and now my dream is finally coming true! I had countless community theater directors miscast me as Raindrop #5, instead of The Angel, Witch #3, instead of The Wicked Witch and Molly's understudy (in Annie - she's the smallest orphan who cries by the window), instead of Annie! Finally I can send my first album to those cruel community theater directors, and say, "I told you so!" I knew I was destined for child stardom!
Love The Ukulady
ps: THANK YOU sososo much to the purchasers of Banned From Canters!
pps: I heard from the UnNamed reality television show, and in typical TSLerner fashion, have been cast as the Reality Show Understudy. Even as an adult child star gay icon, I am still being cast as the friggin' understudy!
ppps: The UnNamed Reality Television show will be blogged about at a later date, or I could lose all Reality Television Understudy privileges and be blackballed from the theoretical island foreversies!
pppps: I'm afraid Britney is going to die soon...

The Ukulady on Reality Television...

Dear Blob,
I may be cast on a high-pressure athletically-competitive reality television show. Last month my ex-manager, who is also a casting director, urged me to "audition" for "Blank for the Blank"; feeding The Entertainer's Narcissism, he flamingly told me I'm Perfect for the show. No one ever tells me I'm perfect for any shows. I didn't even get to play Annie in community children's theater.
I now understand I'm perfect for the impending reality show because I hate all athletically-competitive activities. I will be cast as the weird girl, strong & sturdy, yet, pathetically-athletically-non-competitively-inclined
Hollywood is a rough town, where whores and nepotists are rewarded with their own production deals, movies and shows. Artists who refuse to sell out, get nothing. I am a good Jew, raised fiscally savvy and hell yes, I'll Sell Out in order to never have a day job. I will sell (not retail), hookers, baby flesh, terrorism, whatevsies..... I've even worked for the Scientologists. I consider taking money from The Man, which includes any LLC, my duty as an Infiltrator.
Today the reality show sent me for a physical. Even though I have health insurance, the yearly deductible is ridiculous, so I was thrilled to get a free check-up, paid for by NBC. I went to Glendale, the Armenian capital of the world, where even the ATM's offer the Armenian language option. I left my blood and urine in Glendale, popped into Armenian Trader Jews (as my family calls it), and zipped home to Echo Park. My reality TV pals tell me that if you've been sent for the physical, you are cast. Shooting is this weekend. I might pee my pants with nervous athletic-competition-anticipation/anxiety. I hope I win the $100,000.
Love The Ukulady
ps: I also hope to meet some awesome casting/tv people who will launch Mitch (New Gay Manager) and I to the top!
pps: Spinal Tap's hit single "Give Me Some Money" plays on repeat in my head.
ppps: I hate group competitive athletics so much, I was suspended from jr. high for telling the PE teacher to Fuck off in 8th grade.

Tidbit Nibblets

Dear Blob,
Eight Tidbits from my disheveled comedy notebook:
1. Leg Sweaters - my mom momentarily couldn't remember the word Socks.
2. The Glee Perch - where all the joy happens.
3. Skin Jacker - Like the killer in Silence of the Lambs.
4. Sticks & Llamas, a game.
5. Clamsion - a mansion for shellfish.
6. Shock the Moose. Canadian version of the Peter Gabriel song.
7. A Friend Argument: "If we were lovers, you'd do it!" (the it being whatever un-fun task presented; such as accompanying one to a networking event...)
8. Infinity is exciting!
Love The Ukulady
ps: Now everyone in Hollywood is talking about the older TV exec who knocked up Jamie Lyn!

I Heart Fat Seatmates & Gay Men!

Dear Blob,
I like sitting next to fat women. It makes me feel slim. In other news, I've discovered why gay men go out to the theater and other cultural events: besides entertainment, they also go cruising.
Love The Ukulady
ps: According to a gay man I met last night, Jamie Lyn Spears isn't pregnant by her 18 year old frat boy boyfriend, but scandalously knocked up by some 35 year old Nickelodeon exec who produces her Nickelodeon tweenager show.
pps: The gay man informant works for some entertainment news company, so I feel pretty confidant this information is thumbs upsies!

Hilarious Fan Emails

Dear Blob!
Thanks to my amazing gay bear manager (GBM), Mitch, I am receiving quite a few fan letters and emails of curiosity. GBM calls them my daily affirmations. Some of them are totally hilarious and I must share them with you, Blob and Readers:

1. FROM DINGO: I think you might be the single most kewlest dudette on the planet of earth!!! really, we love you in detroit, even though we are the murder capitol of the world. you make all the killers say "hey i really like that girl!" then they go back to killing people. hope to hear from you!

2. Hey,
My friend and I were wondering if you were a man or a woman? This isn't meant to be offensive or anything we were just wondering. Thank you.
Amanda

3. HELLO ! I..M SAM, I DONT WRITE ENGLISH VERY WELL, BUT YOU..RE SO FUNNY!!! YOU ARE AMAZING, AND YOU SING VERY WELL...HAPPY 2008, SEE YOU AND GOD LUCK!!!
SAM IRE

The gender question email kills me. Love it! Love my Killer fans and Love the adorable foreign fan. I love you all, my friendsies and fans. I'm your fan.
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news, the LA Times reported the LARD (see archived Blobs about the LAPD www.ukulady.blogspot.com) were once again called to Brittney’s house! Upon reading this, I actually exclaimed, “Again?!” aloud. She needs me. Poor Brittney.
pps: I Love Michael Cera.
Dear Blob!
Thanks to my amazing gay bear manager (GBM), Mitch, I am receiving quite a few fan letters and emails of curiosity. GBM calls them my daily affirmations. Some of them are totally hilarious and I must share them with you, Blob and Readers:

1. FROM DINGO: I think you might be the single most kewlest dudette on the planet of earth!!! really, we love you in detroit, even though we are the murder capitol of the world. you make all the killers say "hey i really like that girl!" then they go back to killing people. hope to hear from you!

2. Hey,
My friend and I were wondering if you were a man or a woman? This isn't meant to be offensive or anything we were just wondering. Thank you.
Amanda

3. HELLO ! I..M SAM, I DONT WRITE ENGLISH VERY WELL, BUT YOU..RE SO FUNNY!!! YOU ARE AMAZING, AND YOU SING VERY WELL...HAPPY 2008, SEE YOU AND GOD LUCK!!!
SAM IRE

The gender question email kills me. Love it! Love my Killer fans and Love the adorable foreign fan. I love you all, my friendsies and fans. I'm your fan.
Love The Ukulady
ps: In other news, the LA Times reported the LARD (see archived Blobs about the LAPD www.ukulady.blogspot.com) were once again called to Brittney’s house! Upon reading this, I actually exclaimed, “Again?!” aloud. She needs me. Poor Brittney.
pps: I Love Michael Cera.