Sunday, March 11, 2007

Me and The Barfy Cameron Christians!

Dear Blog,
I write this, weary, exhausted and slightly sickened from my morning meeting/experience with Kirk and Candace Cameron's extremely right-wing evangelical Christian production company. I went seeking comedy material for this blog, for you, me dear readers, and once again learned that you cannot seek out comedy. It comes to you. And comedy rarely is worth the exhaustion of dealing with Christians. So Mrs. Cameron, 80's stage mother extraordinaire, runs a talent promotions company and they received my headshot/resume, after my mass mailing. They called me for a meeting.
After checking out their christian-overtoned website, I knew the meeting would be pointless, aside from the propect of good comedy material. It was barely that. On Tuesday I met with a fabulous agent who had worked at my SF agency, was a Mill Valley hippie/jeweler (like my mom), worked at the Renaissance Faire (like me) and knew all about Berkeley Rep, The Magic and we knew all sorts of SF theater peeps in common. She was highly impressed with my theater-heavy resume. The smarmy christians were puzzled by my theater credits and noted my resume lacked tv and film credits (duh).
Granted, they were very kind. The first question Shirlene, the stage-mother extraordinaire, who at the top of the meeting told me all about her 7 year old's recent guest appearance on Grey's Anatomy, asked me, was: what did I want for my career. I told her I want to be a Gay Icon with my own show. She was definitely taken aback. She said, "Like on a sit-com because you'd be perfect for a Disney Channel show! You look so young!" I said, "no, like the Sarah Silverman Program or PeeWee's playhouse." Later, in retrospect, I wondered if she and the company are anti-gay christians. She asked me to play a song on my ukulele, and I considered, playing Sunday Worship, the UkuLady's song about taking ecstacy, having sex and going to gay weddings on sundays, but I decided against it. I was there to try and play their game, pretend to be Christian. Literally, in this 10 minute meeting, Shirlene must have brought up her Christianity 5-10 times.
The best part of the meeting was Shirlene gushing about how Young I look. I was getting worried that I look old, but Shirlene assured me, thrilled, that "I look So young, but have so much adult confidence!" I wish I could say my time wasn't wasted, but the meeting was a total waste of time. And they were playing awful christian rock in the waiting room. It was also way-the-fuck in ventura county! Luckily, I have a mover/shaker friend from circus camp, who is editing a movie out in Thousand Oaks and after a rigorous tennis match, he was pleased to have lunch with an old friend, who is safely not an ass-seeking LA schmoozer.
Meanwhile, I feel Thousand Oaks should be called Christianland. Shirlene was plump with an Alice-in-Wonderland hair band and she was genuinely pleased that "I am a real person, not a phony and don't change a thing about yourself!" I was hoping for some face time with Barbara Cameron, who has recently written a book about raising "Godly" children in hollywood, but alas she wasn't in the office and I sure as hell am never going back there.
Now friends-of whatever religion-you-may-be, I feel I have respect for world religions (kind of) but I find the self-righteousness of Christians nauseatingly Distasteful and believe Christianity to be the most Hypocritical of the religions. Especially the white WalMarty kind of Christians who favor Glade plug-in air-freshener and drink cheap liquor on the sly, when they drink at all. I think all Christians should take some good acid or mushrooms and chill out.
I can't believe Anna Nicole Smith just died! A blog on that coming soon!!!
Love Miss Pagan-Buddhist-ish-Heebish-Hipsteirish Lerner

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