CamelToe & Mooseknuckle

Dear Blog,
I need to address, once again, the incredible phenomenon of cameltoe and mooseknuckle. The adjective/noun combo "Incredible phenomenon "is based on my incredulousness that Cameltoe & Mooseknuckle victims/fully-aware-Choosers-of-CT&MK:
1. Can't feel the folds of pants scooping/contour-molding into their A. Cooters B. Sacklets (omg- there is no good way to say that one)
2. If they are aware of the sensation, how can they possibly think it is attractive?
Perhaps they are similar to the Massholes and other New England residents who stubbornly, well-into the late nineties and probably now, insist on wearing 80's hair, makeup and clothes. And not the new millenium 80's-are-retro, 80's that is unfortunately sweeping Los Angeles. Actual 80's outfits and hairsprayed bangs. It was rampant with many New England residents, when I lived in Boston.
Cameltoe and Mooseknuckle makes me extremely uncomfortable.
Love The Ukulady
PS: on my myspace blog, which is the same as this, but another venue, I chose the category Pets & Animals, for this dispatch.

My Internet Boyfriend!

Dear Blog,
I have joined the tech-happy new millenium population and am involved in an internet flirtation with someone I've never met! Of course I am not wasting my time flirting with someone lame or boring. It would have to be someone extremely intriguing to capture my busy-scheming-to-take-over-hollywood-head, and this cute (according to his photos) hipster is totally intriguing. My cousin married a man she met in an online fantasy role-playing game and my good LA punk-rock pal, Tiburon, met her awesome fiancee, TriStar, on myspace. Not that I am seeking anything of that nature, but it is totally interesting and bizarre to have a met a total stranger online and come to a place where I would consider this person an actual friend. The Donner Party would be blown away. I think we (now me and he are we!) have come to a place that I would consider my Fantasy Internet Fiancee (my first ukulady marraige proposal!) a friend (hey PA!, being narcissistic enough to assume you are reading about yourself! - double narcissim!). Due to his being interesting, smartie-pants, clever, unassuming, and most importantly in a literary friendship/courtship,linguistically charming and handy, I've perused his writings, music and have developed a total crush. What if he is a disfigured hunchback, which is redundant? Would that make me, if I ultimately was not attracted to him, a total materialistic schmuck? (for my non-heeb readers, like hopefully Jenna Bush, that means asshole). A lot of philosophical considerations go into having a flirtation/crush on an internet pal.....
Heartsy, The UkuLady
PS: I'm very thankful I have eyelids!
PPS: No duh LA Times, Anna Nicole died of a pill overdose. Fucking duhsies.
PPPS: Tapered jeans/pants are lame.

CornNuts & Meat Ruffles

Dear Blog,
CornNuts are totally underrated! They equal the best snack ever! Also I hate mini-vans. They are perpetually the lamest, slowest vehicles on the road. Went to Korean BBQ with my comedy asians tonight. We got tippered on Hite beer and ate ridiculous amounts of roasted meat ruffles. We talked about dealing drugs, doing comedy and affordable sushi. They are such delightful overachievers and i overate.
Love The UkuLady
PS: My friend Ari told me Lindsey is back in rehab! Again?! Poor Lindsey.

Jewhovah's Witness of Echo Park

Dear Blog,
A regular occurence in Echo Park on Sunday mornings, is the fleet of Jehovah's Witness that stalk my street. I live on a one-block street and one would think that the Jay Dub's (phonetic initialsies) would let their peeps know that our house is occupied by 1. English speakers only and 2. Hippie Pagans with Buddist leanings and Jew instincts. Every Sunday, as I sit on my porch drinking imported-from-SF coffee, reading the pape, the cowbell strategically hung on our gate, dongs, and the Ross Dress For Less fancy-outfit-garbed Witnesses lurk in front of our gate debating, in Spanish, if our house holds possible Targets for Conversion; one brave Witness without fail, opens the gate and crankily, I shout from my porch perch, "I'm a Hippie Buddist Jew! And so are the neighbors!" This is a lie, as Carla and Junko are certainly not Jews. Phillipino/PuertoRican=PhilliRican & Japanese American respectively. Honorary Cultural Heebs. I can't believe the Witness don't have a more efficient Conversion-Plan. They should have a phone-tree of sorts, which let's them know who's, not only NOT Down to be converted, but who on the block doesn't speak Spanish. Because they don't speak English. Racism in Action! But it's generally truesies. I mistakenly wrote Jewhovah in the title and I love it. Good times.
Love The UkuLady
PS: I've discovered Firefox and I can't believe I've been living without it. Safari sucks.
PPS: Producer/Engineer/Boy-I-Heart called and fixed my recording equiptsies via phone! Said it was the easiest tech-call he ever fielded, but what would I know since I'm just a girl. He was at the weho (West Hollywood) farmer's market. I love him.

Sucking-In-Audition-Therapy Blog!

Dear Blog,
The theme songs to most 80's sitcoms are totally profound. Different Strokes - "Everybody's got there own story, everybody needs a chance to shine!" Golden Girls - "Thank you for being a friend!" Laverne and Shirley - "Give us any chance we'll take it! Doing it our way!"
I've been all bummed since yesterday because I totally fucking bombed on a couple voiceover auditions in front of one of LA's biggest VO casting directors. I freaked out inside and went straight to my bad sucking-in-audition-habits; The same one's which caused me to lose the role of Molly in Annie to this freckled chick with a pig-nose named Jasmine, in 5th grade. A little old to be playing Molly, but I was small for my age. The entire show, in which I played Molly's understudy/generic orphan, I plotted her death; I befriended her, hoping to poison her with candy, offered from my generous hand. I don't know where I thought I would find the poison or why anyone would accept edibles from one's understudy.
After sucking totally in the 3-hour class, I had Gay Night with a couple of my fleet. I arrived at my Recently-Turned-Friend-Into-Manager, Michael's (So there! Marilyn Idzdebski, Director of Annie in 5th grade) apartment and he was listening to Show Tunes Radio on his tv. We went to Gay Target and he missed a call from Jennifer Holliday (Dreamgirls, etc...). She left her home phone number on his cell and I listened to her message in the Gay Target Sock section. Unfortunately knee-sock season has passed, so I purchased gum only. We made our way to the LBG theater and watched funny gay people and their faghags pretend to be 70's tv stars, such as Ricardo Montalban and Elaine Joyce, who is now married to Neil Simon! Michael, former child star, is trying to book Jennifer as Captain of Columbus Ohio's Gay Pride Parade. Apparently they have a big queer pop. He's pitching me to a gay cruise line! Fuck yeah! Before he was my manager, (hear that, Jasmine?) I listened to a message on his cell from George Hamilton. George was on a private jet and eventually Michael found George too difficult to nail down.
So I'll hopefully make-up for my total VO suckiness at next week's very expensive, but totally worth-it, class.
Love The UkuLady
PS: my recording equiptment is down and life fucking sucks without it! I can't imagine how the pioneers felt...

Brittany & MILF's!

Dear Blog,
According to the LA Times, Brittany has successfully completed her rehab program at Promises Center in Malibu! Go Brittany! Congratulations! I know how hard it is to complete rehab and get sober! Not personally, of course; in fact, I enjoyed a couple ecstacy trips in the fall and got tippered on sherry and Makers Mark (no rocks) this week. But I've seen how drugs and alcohol and getting tattoos of, to quote the LA Times, "Tiny Lips" on one's wrist, can really destroy a life! So thumbs up! BYTW, are you breast feeding your two babies under the age of 2? Because my fleet of MILF's are having difficulty in weening their little peanuts, and I wondered if you had any hot weening tips for my MILFS?
I've become a person surrounded by MILFS (Mothers I'd ((But not me personally))Like to Fuck). I'm so pleased and proud of all my galpals who have maintained their hottness into motherhood! It's definitely an attainable goal, Brittany and the UkuLady is behind you 100%!
Love TSLerner
PS: The UkuLady admires John & Elizabeth Edwards and has a total crush on Ira Glass!

Sim Season is here!

Dear Blog!
Finally I'm working for money again! I do so much work all day for the visualized millions I'm manifesting via money shrine, scheming and old-fashioned hard work. Blog, I know Jenna Bush thinks she has the greatest job in the world, giving to the poor children of the 3rd world for a week and then cutting a 6 figure book-deal about her rigorous & heart-hole-piercing experiences; but Blog, speaking in gibberish with my pals all day and then lounging by a fancy-hotel-pool, musing about cameltoe on ukulele and sipping complimentary red-wine in the California sunshine, really surpasses The Giving-of -Jenna-to-the-Poor! Some nibblets from our first Sim Session of the year:
1. Stew Kitty
2. The difficulty of toilet-training Hellen Keller
3. Man Ham
4. Ice Skater, Dorothy Hamster
5. Cat Pork Chops
6. The Great Taste of Shanooky
7. Mopaccinos, a delicious beverage for janitors or adorable moppet-orphans
8.Mr. Whiskerly Mittens, a cat of course.
9. Sims Guatamala! An Expansion Pack coming soon!
Friends and Blog, who are unfamiliar with The Sims:
It is apparently the biggest-selling PC video games of all time and pays my bills. Spring is Sim Expansion Pack season and I get to work with Jack, Bill and Chris! And I get to stay at the Sofitel Hotel, where I am a recognized Business Traveler, so I've been upgraded to a fancy-ass suite several times and plied with free alcohol by the French bar manager, Bertrand. I love my job. Meanwhile, no news of Brittany lately or Lindsey....Perhaps they've discovered Anusara yoga.
Love TSLerner

Brittney & Bangelore

Dear Blog,
Poor Brittney! Not only is her offical website still under construction, but one can only imagine the pain and self-loathing she must be feeling as she makes her way through various rehabs, San Fernando tattoo parlors and K-Fed's driveway. She is so interestingly self-destructive! Jenna Bush is nothing compared to Britsies! I'm a little disappointed that there's been no new Brit news since last week, but I suppose I'll have to distract myself with a growing dislike of being phone-routed to India when I need the help of a native English speaker, preferably accentless.
I never thought I'd find myself in need of a red-blooded American, but dealing with Electronic Art's tax bullshit is turning me into a bit of a racist. Perhaps racist is too strong a word. I simply want to speak with someone familiar with American tax forms, rules and regulations who I don't have to ask to repeatedly repeat themselves because I can't decipher his accent. I'm pleased that the bright young Indians fluent in English have good jobs at the phone centers of Bangelore, but all I want is to speak to an American employee of Electronic Arts.
Meanwhile, Brittney is another classic example of a child star gone wrong. Here's an idea: Crazy Stage-Parents, don't whore your child out! Of course Brittney is losing her shit - she was dressed in sexypot outfits and not only applauded for being a sexy 11 year old, but her repulsive mother pushed her to national fame, capitalizing on western society's sick sexualization of children. Hey Mrs. Spears, you think there's a correlation between the rampant pedophilia problem and young Brittney whoring it up in her hot "Oops I did It Again" video? Target offers thong panties for five year olds. I'm considering setting up camp, like Cindy Sheehan, in front of Promises, the Malibu rehab center, so when Brittney comes out, I can help her! I can show her how to put on her adult thong-panties and strap her 2 babies into their carseats. And I'll take her to yoga with me, where she'll develop a healthy inner-body-bright. Poor Brittney.
Love The UkuLady

The Donner Party & Latino HipHop

Dear Blog,
my Salvadorian/American neighbor, nicknamed DJ Nitrous, enjoys playing latino hiphop very very extremely loud, which does not bother me at all. In fact, I like that the DJ keeps me in touch with what the kids around Echo Park are listening to, without even leaving my house.
This morning, while lying in bed around 8am, DJ Nitrous was "kicking the beats" and the first thought that crossed my mind was, "What would the Donner Party think if they heard this music?" Did the Donner Party members ever hear words like bitch mother fucker and pussy? I think about the Donner Party at least once a day. I imagine if they heard the pulsing bass and the bitch mother fucker pussy (it's not always latino spanish-language hiphop, but often the traditional ebonic kind) from the freezing cold of their hastily-made lean-tos up at Donner Lake, during what was unfortunately, the coldest winter in 100 years, they would have been relieved, because it meant help, in a way, was on the way.
A fleet of urban rappers scaling the Sierra's, to save the stranded pioneers....ridiculous. Anyway, I think about the Donner Party a lot.
Love Miss The UkuLady

making out in K-Town

Dear Blog,
Just wanted to let you know I made-out last night in Korea Town at a Kareoke bar and then in my friend's truck. It was totally fun. Kissing in a Kareoke Bar in K-Town - good times. My friend is cute. The Kareoke Bar is called The Brass Monkey and it looks like the inside of a ship and I was concerned that our cocktail waitress is a slave/prostitute from an Eastern Bloc country. I'm really hung over.
Love Make-Out Lerner

Me and The Barfy Cameron Christians!

Dear Blog,
I write this, weary, exhausted and slightly sickened from my morning meeting/experience with Kirk and Candace Cameron's extremely right-wing evangelical Christian production company. I went seeking comedy material for this blog, for you, me dear readers, and once again learned that you cannot seek out comedy. It comes to you. And comedy rarely is worth the exhaustion of dealing with Christians. So Mrs. Cameron, 80's stage mother extraordinaire, runs a talent promotions company and they received my headshot/resume, after my mass mailing. They called me for a meeting.
After checking out their christian-overtoned website, I knew the meeting would be pointless, aside from the propect of good comedy material. It was barely that. On Tuesday I met with a fabulous agent who had worked at my SF agency, was a Mill Valley hippie/jeweler (like my mom), worked at the Renaissance Faire (like me) and knew all about Berkeley Rep, The Magic and we knew all sorts of SF theater peeps in common. She was highly impressed with my theater-heavy resume. The smarmy christians were puzzled by my theater credits and noted my resume lacked tv and film credits (duh).
Granted, they were very kind. The first question Shirlene, the stage-mother extraordinaire, who at the top of the meeting told me all about her 7 year old's recent guest appearance on Grey's Anatomy, asked me, was: what did I want for my career. I told her I want to be a Gay Icon with my own show. She was definitely taken aback. She said, "Like on a sit-com because you'd be perfect for a Disney Channel show! You look so young!" I said, "no, like the Sarah Silverman Program or PeeWee's playhouse." Later, in retrospect, I wondered if she and the company are anti-gay christians. She asked me to play a song on my ukulele, and I considered, playing Sunday Worship, the UkuLady's song about taking ecstacy, having sex and going to gay weddings on sundays, but I decided against it. I was there to try and play their game, pretend to be Christian. Literally, in this 10 minute meeting, Shirlene must have brought up her Christianity 5-10 times.
The best part of the meeting was Shirlene gushing about how Young I look. I was getting worried that I look old, but Shirlene assured me, thrilled, that "I look So young, but have so much adult confidence!" I wish I could say my time wasn't wasted, but the meeting was a total waste of time. And they were playing awful christian rock in the waiting room. It was also way-the-fuck in ventura county! Luckily, I have a mover/shaker friend from circus camp, who is editing a movie out in Thousand Oaks and after a rigorous tennis match, he was pleased to have lunch with an old friend, who is safely not an ass-seeking LA schmoozer.
Meanwhile, I feel Thousand Oaks should be called Christianland. Shirlene was plump with an Alice-in-Wonderland hair band and she was genuinely pleased that "I am a real person, not a phony and don't change a thing about yourself!" I was hoping for some face time with Barbara Cameron, who has recently written a book about raising "Godly" children in hollywood, but alas she wasn't in the office and I sure as hell am never going back there.
Now friends-of whatever religion-you-may-be, I feel I have respect for world religions (kind of) but I find the self-righteousness of Christians nauseatingly Distasteful and believe Christianity to be the most Hypocritical of the religions. Especially the white WalMarty kind of Christians who favor Glade plug-in air-freshener and drink cheap liquor on the sly, when they drink at all. I think all Christians should take some good acid or mushrooms and chill out.
I can't believe Anna Nicole Smith just died! A blog on that coming soon!!!
Love Miss Pagan-Buddhist-ish-Heebish-Hipsteirish Lerner

Me & Alice Cooper

Dear Blog,
Having grown-up in celebrity rich Marin County, I'm fairly unphased by hang-out seshes with famous peeps, however it still is always surreal and bizzare to find myself, oh, say, accepting a strawberry licorice whip from Alice Cooper, in the snug waiting room of a voiceover studio. I was catching up on US mag, which I'm hoping Best Gay Friend subscribes me too for my bday so I will always be flush with the latest Brittney, Paris and Sienna situations, waiting for a vo sesh, chitchatting with the delightful owners of the studio, when tromping (pretty accurate adjective) in the front door comes Alice, as Lindsey (fab studio-owner) calls him. I'm not too familiar with his genre of music, favoring more melodious and youthful bands, such as my new favorites, Of Montreal and Architecture in Helsinki, however,
I now know who Alice Cooper is, sort of. He's a very nice leathery-ish man with 3 kids, acid-reflex and a penchant for licorice and diet coke. He also likes dogs, wears black and red cowboy boots and agrees with me, that the strawberry licorice whips are indeed the same color as drunken Brittney's couture lingerie outfit in the US mag. We made small talk for a bit, dogs, kids, and japanese advertising tendencies. Then I worked, drove home on the 134, which thankfully, Nicole Richie was not driving on, and wrote a tiny toy piano song called Licorice.
Love The UkuLady
PS: The strawberry licorice whips were not those dark red, satisfyingly-chewy ones that I can't recall the name of right now, but the same brand that you get in the movie theater. They weren't as good as the dark red oddly-satisfyingly chewy ones. But they were soaked in fame!

Welcome SOM blog!

Dear Blog Readers!
Now I'm a blog fanatic and I'd like to announce the beginning of the Special Occasion Music Blog! Special Occasion Music writes, records and performs music for any special occasion! The SOM blog will hopefully add a little Special Occasion to you, my dear reader!
Love The UkuLady
PS: The LA Times today said there are a lot more homeless people in Echo Park since the skid row crackdown, but today, jogging my usual route around Echo Park lake, I noticed a distinct lack of the usual homeless loiterers. Socialism has several good qualities.
PPS: For the SOM Blog, go to www.myspace.com/SpecialOccasionMusic

For my Myspace Blog Subscribers!

Dear Subscribers!
I'm so excited that you are subscribing to my blog! I'm somewhat low-tech and didn't realize that I could dive into Narcissim in Action and see if I had any subscribers, until today! So, friendsies, I'm going to take this as a sign to write more blogs. I still have to write about my experience mistakenly working for the Scientologists! Yes! It's true! They all were dressed like stewardesses. I wrote a UkuLady song about it called "IGave My Social Security Number To The Scientologists", but forgot to rant and rave for readers. OMG, after the book-on-tape session, I felt like I'd done drugs I was so thrilled and frightened and excited! Infiltration....To The Downfall of Evil, my friends!
Love The UkuLady
PS: No contact from Jenna and Ashlee Simpson never responded to my friend

Lame Party, Good Sushi

Dear Blog!
After a rigourous UkuLady day of hanging out with my adorable producer and going to yoga, my best gay friendsy (from 7th floor of Chuckgate, Emerson College!) called me to be his faghag at a hollywoody party which required his attendence for political/networking reasons. Pleased to have a reason to simultaneously dress-up and yearn for a new wardrobe, I agreed to the last minute hollywoody party attending. And Blowfish Sushi was catering! The promise of Macy Gray dj'ing didn't really intrigue me, but hopes of a rehabbed Lindsey or a pantyless Brittney, sure did!
Unfortunately neither Britney or Lindsey were at the party, but the sushi was totally awesome. However, there was no unagi, so another complaint point. It was an extrordinarily ridiculous event with superior people-watching. As Best Gay Friend put it, "These kinds of parties fill me with Rage." Rage and saddness for the rampant insecurity of humankind. Insecurity, fear and self-loathing for not being pretty, skinny or rich enough. I noted to BGF that we were in a Room full of Bullshit. This particular party, a launch party for the Sunset Strip website, was full of, best way to describe them, Wannabes. Wannabe Important people.
They seemed to be marketing and PR people wearing really expensive jeans. Best Gay Friend and I played "Fake Boobs or Real?" And "Who Would You Sleep With If You Had Too?" Not very many hot sleepable people. Lots of really unattractive, heavily made-up, sad people. There was this one model type, thick with makeup, totally skinny and tall and she kept starring at herself in the mirror-wall and doing this lame lip-pursing/head/angle tilty thing that Paris Hilton does. And a not-very-attractive man with expensive hair and probably a cock-of-gold, was all over her. I call it Vanity In Action. Repulsive. She was wearing a couture nightgowny thing and had zero cellulite.
There was another ridiculous plumpish Jersey/Soprano lady in a beige mini-skirty outfit made of sweater with huge tacky gold earrings and beefy legs strapped into leatherette knee-high boots and a humungous juicy couture gold purse. She was like a Mafia Sausage Lady. I ate free sushi, we had ketel one with cranberry and left by 10pm. For all my myspace pals who don't live in LA and desire a piece of it, let me tell you, it's a sad sad ugly world. Insecurity fraught with disappointment, self-hatred and probably bad sex. The world of artistry, cheap taco trucks and wealth-mocking, is far more fulfilling. Best Gay Friend and I wondered if everyone at the party thought we were lame. I'd like to think no; and so the circle continues.
Love Miss The UkuLady Lerner

ATTN Single Gals! BestPickup Spot!

Dear Blog and Girlfriendsies seeking Manpanions,
Without a doubt the very bext place to be picked up, cruised, asked for coffee, is The Guitar Center. Due to my new burgeoning music career, I have been frequenting the LA Guitar Center on Sunset Blvd, and let me tell you, GalPals, this is The Place. It is packed with music boys and the ratio is about 7/1 - boys/girls. Ridiculous. I was asked out once and checked out at least 10 times, all within a ten minute visit. It is chock-full of music-stoner-cute-and un-cute-fellas who are apparently dazzled by female musicians. I highly recommend Guitar Center to any girls who want a date. Good Luck!
xxThe UkuLady

Poor Lindsey Lohan

Dear Blog,
I'm so worried about my non-myspace celebrity friend, Lindsey! She's not only taken to fully shaving her vagina, but she's gone into rehab! Blog, she's seriously in need of understanding, love and forgiveness and it seems that all she gets are million-dollar movie contracts and free drinks at hollywood hot spots. Poor Lindsey Lohan. Not only is her father insane and in jail, but her mother is really controlling and kind of ugly in a face-lifty way; so of course poor Lindsey has turned to cocaine because cocaine is the perfect foster parent and mentor.
The mentoring programs of America should stop wasting their time on training people and start handing out cocaine to the kids; along with a warning pamphlet so the kids don't get too hooked and have to go to rehab like Lindsey. Everything in moderation..... However, rehab in LA is the perfect place to make best friends with a celebrity, who is sure, upon rehab release, to fiscally support whatever art the celebritie's new rehab BFF is bent on creating! All us artists who want to make movies or have theater companies should get hooked on coke or anorexia so we can join our celebrity pals, Nicole and Lindsey in rehab; befriend them and our financial worries may be over! Good luck in rehab, Lindsey!
Love The UkuLady Storm Lerner

Home Depot & The American Dream

Dear Blog,
If you want to see the American Dream in Action, look no further than the Home Depot in downtown Los Angeles off Wilshire, east of Alvarado. There, within the confusing mammothity of Home Dept's ridiculously large aisles, plumbing-supply-dazed, yet proud homeowners, mostly of the non-pinky-white-variety, shop for neccessary knick-knacks for their homes! Shopping for dirt today, I felt a strange swelling of pride for all the non-english-as-a-first-language-speaking homeowners who were spending their Sunday, God's day, indulging in the American Dream, being homeowners and dabbling in homeowner activities; which requires a trip to Home Depot for gaskets, gas grills, griddle gadgets....
Outside the Home Depot are the Dreamers/Wanters of the American Dream; the day laborors. I felt hopeful that one day they could join the homeowners inside the Home Depot. I bought a lot of dirt for the re-potting of plants, because I am not a homeowner and cannot afford to put my fancy plants in the ground of my rental craftsman.
Love The UkuLady Lerner
PS: No word from Jenna, even during the holidays! ungrateful slut.

Urgent Plea for Nicole!!!

Dear Blog!
This is an urgent plea from Los Angeles for HELP! Nicole Richie weighs 85 pounds! Nicole Richie was fucking driving East on a WestBound FREEWAY! the 134, for those of my myspace friends living in LA! What the fuck? How fucked up is someone driving the wrong direction on the fucking Freeway!? And the fucking fucked up fuck is that they only gave her a DUI! The woman was driving the wrong way on a freeway! How does that happen? You would have to drive onto a freeway exit ramp or back-up an on ramp. Utterly ludicrous. I'd rather have a million shaved celebrity vaginas in my face than have celebrities be driving the wrong direction on the fucking 134.
So, my myspace friends, what can we do to help Nicole? Obviously Paris is a shitty friend,; Nicole needs us. Except she's so lame. She's not nearly as interesting as Brittney, although this is a step up; but I'm more scared than anything else, as I drive the 134 all the time.
Was Lionel a poor father? I mean, even Rain Pryor, who's father was a junkie and fucked countless whores, has her shit together, writing a book, performing a one-woman comedy show. What Nicole, Paris, Lindsay and Brittney all need is a fucking sense of humor; a little whoopie cushion or snakes in a peanut can. And a little bit of Angelina Jolie (Who I went to Jane Fonda acting summer camp with and she was kind of a bitch and never did theater; she did dance). All the little vagy-barring slutebrities need to head the fuck over to Cambodia (where I have traveled, although I did not adopt any children) and get some fucking perspective. A lot of profanity in this blog post, but desperate times call for a lot of the F-word.
Why didn't Nicole call a limo? There aren't any cabs in LA, so I understand that wasn't an option. Nicole needs to fucking eat, her licence must be revoked and send her to the third world for some community service. Nothing like a little real life Simple Life NOT on-camera to gain a little perspective.
Fucking brie is yummy and reality tv fortunes don't last long....
On a final and completley different note, I greatly dislike automobile owner/drivers who display beanie babies in their rear windows. They make me want to barf.
Love The UkuLady

Overdue Observations

Dear Blog,
FROM THE AUTUMN SIM & SOM SESSIONS...
1. What's the deal with celebrities flaunting 'n' flashing their shaved vaginas? If the pioneers or pilgrims knew their country had come to Paris, Brittney and Jenna Bush peekabooing their plucked cooters, they would probably become short of breath and choke on their salt pork snack.
2. Driving I5 between SF and LA there is a restaurant called The Apricot Tree, which is a pleasant stop as it houses a huge collection on vintage metal lunchboxes and thermi (plural thermos?). They have a giftshop which sells toy sleeping cats nestled in a basket and they breathe mechanically. They are fucked up. They also sell a book called How To Teach Your Child About God. I say, when they are about 18, give them some really good acid.
3. British-accented people talking about autistic artists.
A: He's Artistic!
B: Autistic?
A: Yes! Extremely Artistic!
B: Autistic?
A: Yes, Artistic!
4. Wussies from Worcester (using the appropriate New England accent)
5. Riding the Porkpole.
6. Living in the Pork Flats.
7. I'm a boarder in the whore quarter. That's what the filmmaker was who made that great documentary about the kids in the whore district in India. Good movie.
8. Like a Dove on Fire. FireDove - good album name.
9. Spungry - Spunky & Hungry
10. SimFluenza! That's what I have right now.
Love The UkuLady

What's up Jenna Bush? Call me!

Dear Jenna Bush!
Ok, I think I've been a really patient myspace friend, but I have to admit, I'm getting a little fed-up! You didn't make it to any of my UkuLady shows in SF or LA and apparently you haven't told your dad to get out of Iraq, because according to my daily newspaper, the US is still deeply intrenched and young poor kids with few options and prospects aside from the military, are getting killed daily, not to mentioned the scores of Iraqi citizens. What's the deal? If you were a really good daughter and myspace friend, you would hold a bit more sway over your dad.
Speaking of Washington, what do you think about Representative Foley, the homophobic homosexual pedophile Republican? Pretty interesting, but hell, I don't blame him! I mean, I like my boyfriends to have young firm asses too, don't you? I don't like them young, though. I like men, not boys. Is your dad into the same stuff as Representative Foley? Anyway, The UkuLady is going to to be on www.RingMyBell.tv wednesday, October 4th from 11am to noon and you can totally call in: 323-603-6300 and we can totally talk about whatevsies! I have to go underwear shopping at Ross soon - wanna come?
Love The UkuLady

The Downfall of Delta Burke

Dear Blog!
Poor Delta Burke! Today, browsing in the Ross Dress for Less underwear section, I discovered what Delta's been up too since her weight gain, divorce from that famous guy and subsequent disappearance from the spotlight...She's got an underwear line for fat ladies. I almost, so close, bought them. The $14 dollar price tag was a bit too steep for comedy puposes. It made me sad. The Delta Burke Fat Lady Panties weren't even pretty. They are ugly.
Love The UkuLady

The Love of Mr. Peanut & Mr. Potato-Head

Dear Blog,
Don't you think that Mr. Peanut and Mr. Potato Head would make a great couple?! Mr. Peanut is the flamy fashion-conscious, slightly prissy, of the couple. Mr. Potato Head is the bear, the voice of reason, pleasingly plump; perhaps dons a nice pair of leather chaps for the Folsom Street Faire. They bicker flirtatiously in public, perhaps engage in threesomes and other gay adventures; but ultimately Mr. Peanut comes home at night to Mr. Potato Head, who is cuisinarting a fresh pesto, using an Alice Waters' recipe.
They have their single gay friends over for manhattans and fictionary, Mr. Kool Aid and Twinkie the Kid, who occasionally meets Mr. Peanut for sultry rendezvous in tawdry motels or steamy cars parked near the ocean.
The most beautiful man I ever saw at the Folsom Street faire (Jenna, it's an S&M festival in San Francisco's leather district) was a totally hairless, naked, dark black man with piercing sapphire eyes, twirling in a see-everything tutu on a podium. My friend, Kacy, and I were magnetically drawn to him, gazing upon his hypnotic spin, when Kacy said, "Oh my god, that's my UPS man!" I think Mr. Peanut would look equally as magnetic tutu-clad, naked as only Mr. Peanut and his sexy monocle could be.
A new friend today told me there was once a Mrs. Kool Aid. I'm going to wikipedia that later.
Tortured with transition, The UkuLady

PS to last blog re: Brittney

Dear Blog and mymyspace friends,
here's my new brittney joke, in regards to my last blog about her new fragrance,m In Control: Brittney's so Out of Control that her vagina just got a DUI.
Say it out loud.
Love The UkuLady

Brittney's new fragrance

Dear Blog,
I just went to Brittney's Official Website and she has a new fragrance in stores called In Control, and I'm sorry Blog, but I think In Control is the last thing that Brittney is. Not only is Brit not In Control, but the packaging for In Control resembles a pregnancy kit home tester or some sort of creepy feminine protection. Also, Brittney is still insisting that things are great between her and the repulsive KFed. Wake Up Brittney! That should be the name of her new frgrance! Or Get The Fuck Out Of My Mansion! That would be a good fragrance name. If KFed puts out a fragance, it should be called Wear A Fucking Condom! I mean, poor Brittney! She's not only fat, but she's going to have 2 really unattractive babies under 2 with the worst rapper in the world; and, poor Brit, Child Protective Services have alread visited the Mansion twice? Three times? Unfortunately her website didn't provide that information.
Speaking of the physical unattractiveness of Brittney's baby, I don't mean to be unkind. However, that child is truly pretty ugly. The strange thing is, he was part of People Magazine's Cutest Babies spread. Are they retarded? Perhaps. As People Mag is partially responsible for the iconography of ugly celebrities, such as Ashlee and Nicole Richie and barf, Nicky Hilton. Also, a quick query, have my myspace friendsies noticed that Paris Hilton is only photographed at angles? Seriously, she's never straight on. Also, there is some unbelievable Paris Hilton cameltoe pics available on the web. It's like she loves having her panties up her coot.
Yours, The UkuLady

Weaving the Web of Komedy

Dear Blog,
Some thoughts (not neccessarily all mine - some from the latest Sim sessions):
1. Coifka - a philosopher/hairdresser
2. It's my time to be a prime time mime! Nor is it a crime to be a prime time mime.
3. My friend, Cullen wants to name his future child Spitoon. And I want to name my future child Petunia. If we have a progressive gay/faghag baby, we can name it Spitoonia.
4. Tsars eat tsnacks.
5. Party Robot! Life of the Party!
6. Liars, Fakers and Line-Cutters. Boo.
7. Cuddle me Cookoo!
8. A true fact: Famous Amos (of the cookies) signed Simon & Garfunkle. literally.
9. Mockchovy
10. Podquest! The next craze to sweep the internet.
Love The UkuLady Lerner
PS: Jenna a terrible myspace friend and Brittney is pathetic and fat! That makes me happy. And Ashlee's plastic surgery is horrifying. None of them will be mistaken for the Party Robot, that's for sure!

Small World is LOW BUDGESies!

Dear Blog,
Yesterday I went to Disneyland and had a fab time amidst the kitsch and crowds. The thing that struck most was the ridiculously low-budgetness of the famed Small World ride. It's built like it was made by the prom committee of FlatPoint High - what the fuck? It's like paper mache kids and tin-foil covered stars, attached with pipe cleaners and Elmers glue. You can seriously see cracks and fissures in the CHEAP cut-outs; and the ride is housed in what seems to be the high school gym shoddily transformed. Only the cool animal topiaries outside the ride seem to have been created by professional artists. Yet, there is something so endearingly charming about Small World.
And I suppose this is why the Imagineers and the Disney moguls at the top, the very same ones who decided the principal role in the Disney feature film I booked, beating out Mindy Cohn from "The Facts Of Life", should be filled by, not me, but an African-American man, namely, Samuel L. Jackson, are the ones deciding that It's A Small World's very charm stems from it's shoddy art class 101 features. I ate a turkey leg, which was Atkinsriffic - seems to be the best food available at the park - found in a cart at the roundabout in front of the Castle. I like the tiki room and the jungle ride the best.
Love The UkuLady Lerner
PS: Jenna still hasn't contacted me. She's definitely not invited to my fake-moustache party I'm planning on having in the near future.

Me and Mork!

Dear Blog,
Last night Mork from Ork warned me against using an unmarked urinal! Literally! It was definitely my greatest celebrity run-in (Listen up, Jenna! You can try and top this!) so far. Here's the scoop, Blog!:
After drinking a celebratory green tea with the fab Don Black, a celebrity in my world, and watching a long and somewhat mediocre comedy show, I found myself in urgent need of needing to pee. The crowd was bustling past the 2 seemingly unmarked restroom doors. Finally one of the doors opened and I rushed towards it. A strangely familiar voice said to me, right in my ear,"I don't think you want to use that one.", and turning, I found myself shockingly, face to face with Robin Williams, who instantly came to my mind as Mork! Mork! I thought, freaking out, shocked, awed, needing to pee! "It's ok, I really need to pee," I said, or something like it and then he responded! We exchanged another round of chit chat! "All right, go ahead if you really want to, "he said - the most famous hilarious person practically on earth, although his film choices as of late have been fairly poor. "Thanks," I said, and walked into a men's single with only a urinal, which I promptly walked out of and said to Mork, "Go ahead, you were right." and then he said, "Thanks." And then, as I was waiting for the sit-down toilette, an older gentleman opened the urnial room door on Mork and Mork yelped, in that totally familiar yelp we've all heard a million times. It was totally SURREAL and thrilling! Here's my list of celeb run-ins I've had that I can recall:
1. Mork! the best, hands down
2. Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life (in my old agency)
3. Winnie Cooper (really rude and snotty - my vo comp)
4. Today at a vo studio: The middle daughter, after Rudy from the Cosby Show - Tempest Bledsoe? She was kind of cold.
5. Coach Wolf from Strangers with candy - that was thrilling! In the Coffee Bean on larchmont.
6. There are too many minor celebs who look familiar, like I went to high school with them, but then I realize they were just on TV.
It was interesting that all I could think of when I was face to face, practically cheek to cheek with Robin Williams, was Mork!
Love The UkuLady

Jenna, your cooter's totally online!

Dear my Myspace Friend, Jenna Bush!
I was googling some images of you the other day because I'm making a music video about our special friendship, which, to be honest, has been a little one-sided; anyway, I came across a pretty private moment someone captured on-camera and has posted on the web. I know that I've gone to the beach and had to change into my swimsuit under my clothes, so I know how tricky it can be...so...your cooter is totally online, and honey, it looks, as my new best friend put it oh-so-delicately, Scuffed. Your Cooter looks Scuffed. A couple things:
1. Does your dad know there is a pic of your vagina all over the internet?
2. It seems like he's wielding an awful lot of Supreme Dictatoresque Power these days (you know, the phone records thing and stuff), and it seems to me, he should have some power over your scuffed cooter being downloaded and shared throughout the world wide web!
3. Who in the world does your waxing?
4. Perhaps giving so much, working for free at the DC inner-city school, isn't allowing you enough time to go to the salon? Maybe you should ask the inner-city school tyrants to Give you a little! Time, that is, to get things like your vagina waxed into, apparently a Heart shape?
5. Is that what you were going for, a heart?
6. Sorry to backtrack, but speaking of your dad and his spying-on-citizens program/getting everyone's phone records, are you at all worried about that? I mean, you seem like the kind of gal who might be a little kinky and into some phone sex? Not to make any assumptions about you.
Speaking of making assumptions about you, I'd really like you to put a little more effort into our myspace friendship. You haven't posted one comment about me, nor have you checked out The UkuLady and the song she wrote For You! I mean, like, how many people have written songs for you?! And this one is almost a ballad! So, I have no choice but to make assumptions, if you're not your to GIVE me a little to go on! I mean, I even had you on the guest list at my last UkuLady show, and not only did you NOT show up, but you didn't even drop me an obligatory "sorry I can't make your show" email. Didn't your Southern mother teach you any manners?
Anyway, Jenna, you're walking on a thin line with me. And also, you missed a really good yoga class today down in Silverlake. Your Myspace friend, The UkuLady
PS: What do you think about that schmuck your dad nominated to be head of the CIA?!
PPS: Schmuck means weiner-ish in the language of my people, the Heebs.
PPPS: Are you not in contact with me because of anti-semitism? Because I'm ony a cultural Heeb.
PPPPS: Can you believe Brittney is knocked up again!!!!?????
PPPPPS: (spears)
PPPPPPS: For all my other Myspace friends, all you have to do is google Jenna Bush Pussy and you will be shocked and awed. Perhaps a little sickened.

LARD

Dear Blog!
Yesterday as I drove home from an especially rigourous yoga class, I found myself behind a police car and I misread it's LAPD bumper sticker as LARD. I wish the cops would plaster the word LARD to their cars all over the world! Perhaps the day that happens we will have world peace.
Love The UkuLady

Jenna Bush isn't showing up :(

Dear Blog,
I'm concerned about my so-called myspace friendship with Jenna Bush, my Myspace friend. I've had 2 ukulele shows since I wrote a song about her and not only did she Not make an appearance, but she didn't even send me an email telling me she couldn't make it. And she hasn't thanked me for writing a song about her - bitch! What the fuck? I give and give and I thought she was a giver, I mean, she is giving to the inner-city school she works in in DC. I was really hoping she'd show up at my Rainbow Room Sunset strip show because it's so famous and she's so famous and famous things like to hang out with each other. I'm just not sure, Blog, when enough is enough? How much more do I have to give to Jenna Bush?
And I'm really sick of her dad's so-called "policies". Do you think she thinks he's an asshole, like the rest of the country. Sorry, Jenna - I didn't mean to use obscenities, but crikey, your dad has borrowed as much money during his term, from foreign investors as all the presidents before him, since Washington, combined, among the lesser of his moral shortcomings and criminal activities. That's a little outlandish, don't you think. Not that outlandish and assholes are the same. I'm not going to give up on you yet, Jenna, but I sure hope you start giving back. Or at least tell your dad he's gonna have the worst karma in his next life already, so trimming back on the outrageous corruption and lies might boost his chances of not returning next life as a gay-bashed, transgendered sex-slave woman dwarf with exzema, acne, leukemia and retarded parents. NO offense to any of those, but I imagine that life would be a difficult one. Hope to see you at my next ukulele show, Jenna! Maybe we can have pizza and makeovers afterwards!
Love The UkuLady

TonTon vs. Wonton

Dear Blog,
Wonton, tonton (creature from star wars whose flesh Luke sliced into with a satisfying blurble of tonton cellulite), bonbon, pon pom. That's what they're called - not pom poms, but pon poms, or pom pons,I can't remember. Picnic, backpack, blackjack, flap-jack, snack-sack, tic-tac, chopstick, matchstick, potsticker, pixiestick, swizelsticks, lipstick, nip-snitch, witch-snitch, sandwich, tip-top snap-shot. Good times.
I hate being in Santa Monica for the day and then driving in traffic on the 10 home to the Eastside and then realizing your friend's art event, that you should attend because it is your turn to attend his/her/event and you really want to anyway, is friggin all the way across town in Santa Monica and you have an audition early in the morning and another car ride across town sounds really difficult. This is when I wish I had a chaffeur. Meanwhile Universe Magic is all around me today! I knew Burning Man magic was around me year 'round. Met my new friend at a commercial audition - it was for musicians and the second I walked into the room, full of blond folk-rock chicks wearing lame high heels and such, our eyes met, zeroed in on each other's ukuleles and fancy uke cases. Turns out, of course, he's friends with all my friends, good ones too, and now we've started a band!. Good Times, thank you magic universe! I'm really into the decemberists this week. they fucking rock!
Love The UkuLady

Me & my Pharmacist!

Dear Blog,
I feel like I have a strangely intimate relationship with my pharmacist and the young latino teens who work in her pharmacy. I chose the neighborhood non-chain pharmacy when I moved to my neighborhood of Echo Park. I've never seen another white/heebish person in my pharmacy. Every time I go there to pick up my various prescriptions there is a teen working the counter. I suppose it's a good after-school job for the teens, but I feel a little akward receiving my birth control pills from a teen. The kid at the counter today was wearing a backpack and had his bike in the corner. The pharmacists are two ladies, one latina middle-aged, pleasingly plump lady and her partner, the same description, but Asian and not plump, slimmers; anyway, they are awesome, in that they really try to get me my prescription when it's run out and they remember who I am. I'm pleased I took a risk, going with the somewhat grubby pharmacy rather than the glizty Rite Aid or Walgreens. I'm making a fiscal difference in my neighborhood with my Allegra! On a totally different note, is Tom Cruise a robot? I think he's being groomed to be the head of Scientology.
Snerve The UkuLady Squibbles
ps: I'm back home, out of the sofitel hotel and the urge to talk in gibberish is gradually receding.
pps: i had to select a blog heading and I suppose the whole point of talking about me and my pharmacist, is that we are kind of friends. Kind of. Not the kind you invite over for your Frito Pie Birthday party, but the kind that know your name and what legal drugs you're on. Like Cheers. Somewhat comforting.

Inside the Sim Studio!

Dear Blog!
Just like Inside the Actor's Studio, but different, kind of...this is my expensive BFA in Action! Picture our studio...big-ish for a voiceover stude, filled with expensive audio equiptment and odd foley stuff, like corstarch, punching bags and palmolive. red-haired Bill, director, and slim experimental-music Xtopher, our awesome engineer, behind the glass; Stanford senior Jack and I, friggin choreographing interpretive dance and pretending we are Muffers and Ginnsy, theoretically, but also for realsy. Thank god Bill is funny, although admitedly a bit depressed, because if he wasn't funny, our job would be extremely tedious, although fiscally worth it. So we speak in gibberish ALL DAY LONG! Here are the highlights of the day!:
1. Taming the Wind! A new musical! Hit song from Taming the Wind! ..."My Voice is my Soul"!
2. Grapples - a new fruit, apples and grapes, pronounced Grayples!
3. "I put the sensual in consensual..."
4. Locust vs. Low-cost
5. Evil Alive! another new musical
6. Silent Touch! another new musical
7. Loni Anderson Day - a celebration of Loni, where we make a statue of Loni out of Pork.
8. Compliment City vs. Condiment City
9. Rap City, where we use Rap Lube, for those oh-so-dry days.
10. ShoobiQuando - a martial art
11. Smoo Ching, the exchange student
12. Mockchovies, on top of pizza.
13. The Porklipse - kind of like an eclipse, but different.
14. Chip Wibner, newscaster
15. Clam Jim or clam jam.
16. Your laugh cuts like glass...ouchy
NEW BAND NAMES: The Potty Mouths, Pixie Stix, Swizel Stix, Nurse Princess, Mock Rocket.
I love my job, but I feel weird living at the Sofitel Hotel, kind of. I can't decide if I should work out or go eat. Oh, we love talking about HAM PANTS! They are much more comfy than jam pants, which stick to the chair and reveal naked flesh. I think I'm too tired to work out or go eat. Perhaps I'll read the New Yorker and feel smugly superior.
Love The UkuLady Teen Sim

Chat of the Sims

Dear Blog,
I'm writing you, once again, from the lounge of the Sofitel Hotel in Redwood city. Today during our sims recording sesh we discussed Fruzenglajen. Where is it now?! It's so eighties! Apparently, according to the web, it was sued by Haagen Daaz, and then the brand sold to Kraft, and perhaps Unilever, which I thought was a soap company. Fruzenglajen was so heavily marketed in the eighties. It's hard to believe it's simply vanished off the face of the earth, which apparently, according to the web, it has. Fruzenglajen exists only in memories! Also, my sim partner, Jack, is so young, he's never heard the song, "The Girl is Mine"! Nor has he seen Ab Fab. That is more believable, but to not have experiences Michael and Paul...I'm a Lover Not Fighter is such a classic line, important to mankind. Last week during sims I thought about Goulash vs. Galoshes. Also, I can't stop saying, unconciously, Pork Lodge. Or Jamocha. I talk about the Jamocha Pork Lodge all the time. I can't help it. We also have some great band names, like Self-Rising Flour and HeadLocker. Today at the Sofitel gym I watched Pretty in Pink, while riding the stationary bike. Ducky is so much hotter than Andrew McCarthy, who is named Blaine in the movie, which makes me think of Red, White and Blaine, the pageant in Waiting For Guffman. Molly Ringwald and the cast of P in P are SO YOUNG! I was shocked. I remember watching that movie multiple times as a tweenager and thinking how mature and sexy the cast was. Now I'm old. Way older than Molly Ringwald in P in P. Luckily she's older than me still. Thanks for listening, Blog!
Snerve The UkuLady Lerner

The Sims & Me!

Dear blog 'n' friends,
I'm writing tonight as a business traveler, from the lobby of the Sofitel hotel in Redwood City, CA, only minutes from the Electronic Arts "campus". Once again, I have been fiscally saved by the sims. I am dressed in jeans, a sweater and children's frog rainboots and am apparently, the only woman in the bar area, where the Sofitel provides free internet access, and to me, a frequent guest, a free glass of wine. Across from me, is a cluster of business travelers, men in button downs, loosening up with liquor after a tough day of business conferences perhaps. I think I look out-of-place and people are wondering what in the world brings me to the Sofitel (rather pricy, paid for by EA) as a business traveler. I spent the day in the recording studio with Jack, my fab teen cohort, saying squibbles and nibbler flanachki and apparently jamocha and flanucci; and fabsy Bill, our ridiculously superbly funny director, and xtopher, our post-modern fab engineer. Today the animations required Jack and I to puke, make out, clean the toilet, chat on a sofa and disturbingly, poop. We resisted the poop animations, citing their probably cutting due to Walmart's family values. Bill concurred. We get to eat in the EA cafeteria and Bill told me the best lie I've ever believed, that he was a deadbeat dad of 2 kids. I was relieved it was a lie/farce. The Sofitel has comfy beds. If Jack and I got residuals, we'd be rich. Damn those cd-rom/interactive game contracts!
snerve teen Sim lerner

Dreamin' of Brittney!!

Dear Blog,
So before Michael Jackson moved to Bahrain to wear women's Arabic clothing in bathrooms, I used to have a reaccuring dream that we were good friends and I helped him, theraputically. I had a version of this dream about 4 times. Well, I've had the dream again, however, this time I was performing long-form improv with Brittney Spears at a comedy cafe in Topanga Canyon. We were good friends and held hands, but not in a girlfriend way. I'm a little obsessed with Brit. She's preggers again, barf, with Barfderline's baby. Gross. I feel bad for her though; for what is Brit, but a pathetic pawn of her fame-obsessed Mommy! Although she is fatty mcfatwich these days, she's still far prettier than her hideously ugly younger sister, Jamie Lyn Spears, star of crapola nickelodeon live action schlop. So, to quell the rumors, I'm not in an improv troupe with Brittney Spears, although, dreams do come true....Aim high!
Snerve Lerner

Malibu & Brittney!

Dear Blog,
So, today I went to Malibu with my BGF (best Gay friend) and the whole time I was so excited to hopefully catch a Brittney Sighting! However, I'm disappointed to report there is none to report. However, we did catch Angeline and her pink corvette. For those of you out of the loop, the millions reading this important dispatch from LA, Angeline is some weird pseudo-celebrity rich lady who used to advertise herself on billboards all over LA. She has no services to offer, save to gawk at her thoroughly plastic-sugeryied self. As of late, however, I've seen no Angeline Billboards. Back to Brittney... We stopped at the celebrity sandwich stopping-market, Hows.
Question one, who are the people who work there? If you've ever been to Malibu, it's clear that there are no normal people who live there. Everyone is extremely rich or a christian Pepperdine university student. Or perhaps a servant of a rich person. Hows is the market on the way to El Matador beach and it is renown for celebrity sightings. In fact, if I were a paparazzi, I'd definitely post myself at their sandwich counter. BYTW, not very good sandwiches. So, we order and then we have to pee. So I head to the pee room and as I sit down, I wondered to myself, "Has Brittney sat here and peed as well?" and really, the likelyhood of that, is pretty high. I may have sat on the same toilet as Brittney!!! BYTW, my sort of white-trash/but huge heart cousin adores Brittney and has named her cat Brittney and has a huge poster of BS kittycorner to her bed. She's also a single mom; cousin and probably Brittney very soon. Anyway, Brittney was a no-show at How's Sandwich counter, as well as Jennifer (aniston) and every other celeb who lounges in Malibu. It's really a ridiculous town.
After the beach, which was fab, save an distasteful interaction with some yucky sea fowl (gulls nipping into my tasty Trader Joes Apple Rings), we retired to Starbucks for a pre-traffic caffeine fix and I was really hoping this would be IT, as according to US and People mags, Brittney spends a lot of time in Starbucks....Sadly, there were only mock-celebs, rich peeps in peasant hippie skirts ordering 10 dollar non-soy-mock-vanilla-chai-fatte-lattes. I did pee, again, at Starbucks and this time, i'm sure Brittney has sat on that same toilet. She friggin loves Starbucks. BYTW, at the beach, there was a film crew doing a shoot with one asian actress (totesies hottie) and an old-fashioned pay-phone prop stuck in the sand. We (BGF and I) debated if it was a commercial or short film. They had a really nice camera, but a teeny crew and no craft-services. We agreed it was a well-funded shorty film. We strolled along the richy malibu beach and ogled at the ugly-ass mansions, that aren't really very big, but their beachfront locale and proximity to LA make them like 10 million dollar houses. Most were really ugly and gaudy. We saw dolphins and I remembered how in college there was a tacky trend for lame girls to get dolphin tattoos on their hips. BYTW, I have New Hip bones!!! I'm on a super LA no-grain diet (have been for like 8 months) and I have Hip Bones! Really, I haven't had hip bones since I was like 11. Sometimes they jut into me when I roll over in bed. Love it. Love the Mountain Goats! band. so hot. Friggin LOVE THEM! Love cute artist boys. Never will get over them. Love a nipper of wine and I wish everyone in the world would wear fake moustaches for a day.
Love The UkuLady

Just some girlfriendship chitchat w/Jenna!

Dear Jenna,
Why weren't you at yoga today?! We did a lot of balancing work and if there's one thing we need more of in Washington, it's balance. I think yoga would really help you and probably your dad. Not that I think you guys need help, but actually I do. I think everyone needs the help of yoga in their life. Your dad was on the cover of the LA Times today, talking about "staying the course" in Iraq and denying it's growing civil war. He seems to be in denial; maybe you could talk some sense into him. Like, when you and your twinsie, Babs (can I call her Babs?) were caught underage drinking in that bar...You guys didn't deny to the press that you weren't drinking, you guys owned up to your mistake and because of that non-sorority girls around the country totally respect you. Admitting mistakes is part of life, just like your cousin Sofia, admitting she was a coke head. Don't you wish Lindsey (Lohan, of course) and Mary-Kate would just admit it too, like your cousin. Everyone here in Hollywood knows they're all coked up. We also know that John Travolta is flaming gay, but, no duh! Wasn't he hot in Grease? Anyway, Jenna, is your dad illegally wire-tapping your apartment? Because if he has been wiretapping, he's possibly heard you getting wasted, playing those awesome drinking games and maybe even booty call with Chad and Slade! Girlfriend, watch out! Hope to see you at the UkuLady's ukulele shows in LA!
Best Friends4-Ever, TSLerner

A Frank Girlfriendship Letter to Jenna

Dear my new myspace friend, Jenna Bush!
First, I just want to say how excited I was to see you accepted my white myspace flag of girlfriendship! It's nice to know that the offspring of the dictatorship aren't narrow-minded. Sorry, if the word dictatorship is insulting, but I think it's time to be frank with you, Jenna. Honestly, I'm really excited about our impending chick-bonding! I keep imagining us strolling arm and arm at The Grove, when you come to LA to visit me... the state dinners you may invite me to... browsing at Nordstrom's Rack together... But, frankly, I'm really disturbed by an article I just finished in Harpers about your dad and his friends. I know Harpers is pretty liberal, but a lot of the facts they presented, make me pretty uncomfortable with the current "presidential" administration. That word's in quotes because of the questionable election results from your uncle's state. You know, how it is. Anyway, I'm mostly appalled by your dad. Your mom and her literacy trip seem pretty cool. I guess, though, when you ask me over to your house, I may have to steer clear of your dad, for politeness reasons. I keep reminding myself that our girlfriendship has nothing to do with the outrageous corruption and lies your pop seems to surround himself with. He's worse than Nixon! He's probably pretty cool, though, about having boys over, and stuff. I'll bet he's cool with all of us taking nips at the liquor cabinet....
Anyway, Jenna, I just wanted to be frank about how uncomfortable I am. But, hey, my dad's a fairly abrasive New York atheist Jew schmoozer and that might make you uncomfortable! He also really likes Japanese gardens and cheap Asian food, and hey, you might be allergic to Japanese! Judging you by your dad's actions is unfair and I'm going to strive to be a non-judgemental girlfriend. I hope the secret service guys who may be reading this, don't think I mean that in a lesbian sense. I'm straight, are you? Apparently Lynn Cheney has some pretty hot lesbian fantasies, according to the pulp romance novel she wrote. Weird. Anyway, hope the big Iraq Invasion Anniversary Party at the White House was fun! Did you guys have a DJ? Was the food good? Good luck with the Abramhoff scandal!
Your myspace girlfriend, The UkuLady

Jenna is my myspace Friend!!!!!

Dear Blog!
Ah Mah Gahd!!!
Jenna Bush is my myspace friend!!! I'm about 90% certain it's really her real space!
So...
Dear real-friends-I-know-in-real-life,
I now have a major responsibility to my new myspace friend, Jenna Bush and I may have to ignore you a bit. Sorry in advance if I don't make it to your parties, shows, whatevers, but I very well may be hanging out in Crawford, Texas! Or the White House! I plan on being a very good myspace friend to Jenna, regardless that her dad is into torture. I have dominatrix friends and they also like a little pain now and again, so what's the big whoop? I have to prepared at any moment to go anywhere or do anything for my new myspace friend! She very well may ask me to be a guest-artist at the inner-city school she teaches at! I'll have to drop my voiceover career and head to DC! Hopefully her invite will also include dinner and cocktails with Laura and George! Crossies! I'll bet George makes a mean martini - dirty with extra olives... When I do go to cocktails, I'll definitely ask after Mr. Whittington's health (Dick's hunting partner). I'm worried that George won't remember our cocktail hour, though, because he and Abramhoff apparently enjoyed over ten photo-ops together, and George doesn't remember anything! I'll recommend ginsing to him. In a gentle way, of course. I don't want to call attention to his memory-loss, which is obviously related to aging. I'm going to stay focused on my girlfriendship with Jenna! Here are some questions for our impending girlfriendship:
1. What kind of guys to you like, because I have a lot of single friends?
2. Do you read Harpers?
3. I don't mean Harper's Baazar - I mean Harpers.
4. Do you know anyone serving in Iraq?
4.5 Do you know anyone with a prosthetic limb?
5. Who were you rooting for in the Lynndie England trial?
6. Does the Patriot Act get in the way of your partying?
7. Spit or swallow?
8. Just kidding!
9. Being a social sort of gal, are you a fag hag? Because I am.
10. Do you want to go to the next DragStrip with me? It's an awesome drag show in LA!
PS: I'm making cookies right now, as I blog, and it occured to me as I spatulaed the most recent batch, that perhaps the Secret Service goes through Jenna's Myspace and checks into people's background.... Do you think they'll care that I voted Green Party for San Francisco Mayor?
PPS: I'm having a frito-pie party this saturday, Jenna! Hope you can make it! email for directions!
Love The UkuLady

Girlfriend Letter to Jenna and Barbara!!!

What's up Twinsies!?
Jenna, I went to your myspace and I totally respect your need for no mean comments about your family! Who wants to hear some schmuck diss your mom and dad? By the way, "schmuck" means asshole to the jews. I'm a jew, but more jew-ish, than jewish. I hope we can still be friends; not that you guys don't have very many jew friends, I mean, Ari Fleischer? His name sounds prety jewish. By the way, I think the myspace account for your sister, Barbara, is fake. You should tell her to get a myspace. Just because you guys are famous doesn't mean you shouldn't indulge in all the internet fun us "normal" people are having!
Anyway, I was wondering if you do yoga? In yoga today, I wondered that and then I wondered, if you shop at Ross? If you don't, you should totally check it out!! It has totally cute outfits for totally cheap!
Hey, I heard you're working at an inner-city school!! That's totally AWESOME!!!!!!! I love Givers. You're a Giver!!! I've worked with inner-city kids to and they are AWESOME!!!!! So cute!!!!!! It feels good to be a Giver!!! By the way, is there any news from your dad about Jill Carroll, the American journalist kidnapped recently? I hope your dad doesn't let her get killed, because she's pretty cool and definitely a Giver.
I was also wondering what you think of Karenna Gore Schiff and the book tour she's on? Are you jealous because she's a published author? I kind of am.
Come visit LA! I can totally introduce you to cool peeps and maybe you can get your own TV show!! I hope you write back and be my myspace friend!!! Bring Home the Troops!! All the Best, The UkuLady

Be my Friends, Bush Twins!!

Dear Blog!
I just went to Jenna and Barbara Bush's myspaces!!!! I feel exhilerated and I'm kind of quivering!!
If you girls are reading this, BE MY FRIEND! I'm a great girlfriend! Here's why! I'll amuse you with witty quips! I have great taste in music, art and fashion and I'm on my way to the top of the VoiceOver World! A world everyone wants a piece of! Seriously. You guys will LOVE me.
For everyone else, I looked for Chelsea Clinton's myspace and it doesn't look like she has one. There is a myspace for the president's daughter (hope that doesn't piss you guys off, jenna and Barb! There's room enough for all of you!) but I think it's fake. Meanwhile, I'm going to search for more potential girlfriends, like Britney! And Ashlee! And maybe even Jamie Lyn Spears! Thank god I switched from Friendster to Myspace! Friendster is so yesterday compared to Myspace!
Bush twins, are you guys on Friendster? By the way, do you guys read the New Yorker? There's an interesting article from last week about torture. I really am curious as to what you guys think of it; and I don't mean that as a diss on your dad. Nobody can be responsible for their parent's actions! Also, are you guys interested in philanthropy? Hope you'll be my friend!
Heartsy, The UkuLady

Be my Friends, Bush Twins!!

Dear Blog!
I just went to Jenna and Barbara Bush's myspaces!!!! I feel exhilerated and I'm kind of quivering!!
If you girls are reading this, BE MY FRIEND! I'm a great girlfriend! Here's why! I'll amuse you with witty quips! I have great taste in music, art and fashion and I'm on my way to the top of the VoiceOver World! A world everyone wants a piece of! Seriously. You guys will LOVE me.
For everyone else, I looked for Chelsea Clinton's myspace and it doesn't look like she has one. There is a myspace for the president's daughter (hope that doesn't piss you guys off, jenna and Barb! There's room enough for all of you!) but I think it's fake. Meanwhile, I'm going to search for more potential girlfriends, like Britney! And Ashlee! And maybe even Jamie Lyn Spears! Thank god I switched from Friendster to Myspace! Friendster is so yesterday compared to Myspace!
Bush twins, are you guys on Friendster? By the way, do you guys read the New Yorker? There's an interesting article from last week about torture. I really am curious as to what you guys think of it; and I don't mean that as a diss on your dad. Nobody can be responsible for their parent's actions! Also, are you guys interested in philanthropy? Hope you'll be my friend!
Heartsy, The UkuLady